Tools to Manage Trauma-Associated Behaviors
Topics:
“Tools to Manage Trauma-Associated Behaviors”
“Definition of Following a Feeling”
“The Destructive Action of Loop-Thinking”
Saturday, November 2, 2024 (Private)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Jessie (Anibeth)
ELIAS: Good day!
JESSIE: Good day.
ELIAS: And how have you been proceeding?
JESSIE: Okay. I was telling Mary that in a way I believe that what happened with my uncle happened, but maybe it doesn’t totally feel real or has sunk in yet.
ELIAS: Disassociation. It’s not unusual. When you’re a child, you disassociate from the experience to protect yourself. And it takes time, once you connect with the memory. The memory will seem to be fantasy. It will seem to be not real. And it takes some time, even after that memory has been moved to the other hemisphere of your brain, it still takes some time for you to objectively, in a manner of speaking, come to terms with it. And you don’t have to make it any more real than it is.
JESSIE: Yeah, because I’ve kind of been like, “Why am I not feeling more angry or upset about this?” I mean, I am—
ELIAS: You were, initially, momentarily. But then there is that disassociation, which shuts that down. And it’s not necessary for you to engage a lot of feelings or intense feelings. It’s not important that you do that. You likely will have times that it will surface and—
JESSIE: Will I necessarily know it’s that? Or it will seem random?
ELIAS: At this point, you likely will know that it’s that. The likelihood is that you most probably won’t feel much of anything about it unless you’re engaging him, unless you’re speaking to him or unless you see him. Then you probably will have some type of a reaction. Whether it be frightened or angry, it will be something that will be more intense.
JESSIE: Because my dad is dying and I’m already thinking about how my uncle’s going to be coming to visit for the services, and I would have to see him, and how I would handle that.
ELIAS: And that’s part of what we are discussing today, how to manage all of these things. How to manage yourself at home with your children, with different situations, with other people, with your mother, with your father and even with your uncle.
Now; remember we were discussing managing requires tools. And you already know some tools. The going outside is a significant tool. I’m going to also express to you that it would be tremendously beneficial for you to begin a practice of meditation. It’s not difficult and it will exceptionally center you, which will be very helpful and important. It, as I have expressed previously, has an immediate effect. You meditate; that same day you’re going to see evidence of it and evidence of the results of it. It’s not something you have to wait for.
JESSIE: So I could… Like should I…? I’m trying to think the best time. Like if I wake up early, before my kids wake up, would that be a good time?
ELIAS: Yes. Yes. I would definitely encourage you to do it in the morning because then you’ve set yourself up for the day. And you can see the evidence throughout the day that that meditation centered you. You don’t have to be blank in your mind. You don’t have to entirely not think. And what I would say to you is that if you actually move into a focused meditation, eventually – not long – but eventually you will move naturally into that state of not thinking. And if you begin to drift and you begin thinking about something, you can refocus. I would say you can also ask Michael about an easy method for meditation.
Now; that’s another tool, which I would very much suggest you write that down in your little book.
JESSIE: Right now? Or after? (Laughs) Because I brought a little book.
ELIAS: You did? Excellent. Then yes. Bring it out and you can be writing down these tools.
JESSIE: It’s cute.
ELIAS: Ah.
JESSIE: I just got it.
ELIAS: Ah.
JESSIE: Where is it? (Pause) It’s in here. Did it disappear? (Elias laughs) Elias? That is so strange. Maybe it’s in my car. Hm. (Elias chuckles) Well, I did have one. (Both laugh)
ELIAS: Very well. (Laughs)
JESSIE: Okay. I hope it’s somewhere. I liked it. Okay, well I’ll write it down after.
ELIAS: Very well.
JESSIE: (Laughs) Okay.
ELIAS: You can re-listen and write it down when you have the opportunity. Therefore the going outside, meditation – I would suggest you can begin with five minutes. I would definitely suggest that you work up to at least a half of an hour. That’s a good grounding time.
Now; what actions do you enjoy?
JESSIE: Dancing. (Pause) I enjoy cooking if it’s not like a time pressure thing.
ELIAS: What type of cooking?
JESSIE: Like a meal. Is that what you mean?
ELIAS: There are different types of cooking.
JESSIE: I like the process of chopping and… Yeah, the process.
ELIAS: Yes. The chef.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: I understand.
JESSIE: I do like doing different artsy-type things, but haven’t had much inspiration lately in that arena.
ELIAS: What types of artsy types of things?
JESSIE: I like pottery. I do like painting. But these are things I find a little harder to just whip out and do. I like eating. (Laughs) Actions. These are all actions, right?
ELIAS: Yes. Yes.
JESSIE: I like doing my oracle cards. (Pause)
ELIAS: Do you like music?
JESSIE: Mm-hm. Yeah, I like listening to music.
ELIAS: Do you like books?
JESSIE: I like books.
ELIAS: Do you like to read or do you like to be read to?
JESSIE: Um… (Pause) You mean like an audiobook? Probably an audiobook. Yeah.
ELIAS: The reason I’m asking these questions is because these can be tools. When you feel yourself becoming anxious or irritated or stressed and you are having more intense feelings, whether you know where they’re coming from or not, having a list of all of these different things, when you look at you can choose which thing will be effective in that moment, in relation to what you’re feeling and what you’re experiencing. Because not everything is going to fit, and the point of the tool is to pull you out of that experience, to pull you away from that feeling and—
JESSIE: Like is it following feelings, or…?
ELIAS: Let me define that for you, so that you know what it is to be following feelings. Following feelings is what happens when you have a feeling that’s somewhat intense and then it builds. Let’s use anger, because that’s easy. And something makes you angry and you’re paying attention to the feeling. And because you’re paying attention to the feeling, it’s becoming more intense. It’s building. And in that, while it’s building, you start thinking. That’s the following feelings part, is the thinking part. Not the actual—
JESSIE: Trying to make sense of it.
ELIAS: — feeling, but that you begin to think about that feeling and you begin to think about other situations. You move in tangents. You’re building the feeling more and more. You’re maintaining it and keeping it going, because you’re thinking. And the thinking is expressing all the things that are irritating you even more. And then you’re thinking about what to do about it and what you want to do about it. And then you move in mean directions, because you really want to do something that is angry. That’s following feelings, the thinking part. Which simply perpetuates everything.
Now; in relation to experiences, it’s very easy to move in those directions of following feelings. What you want to do is catch that and use your tools to stop it. Because it doesn’t benefit your or anyone else around you. It’s a destructive direction.
And your tools are your management system. They help you in two capacities. One is to alter familiar behaviors, behaviors that you are accustomed to expressing and engaging, but that don’t serve you. The other is to bring you into the present with then feelings that are not now, and then experiences, and to pull you out of the then and to bring you back into the present. And therefore allow you to empower yourself and to be able to make choices.
When you’re caught in then feelings and experiences, it’s very difficult to make now choices. If you—
(laughs, as an interaction with Mary’s dogs occurs) Very well. (Laughs)
JESSIE: I tried and tried. (Both laugh) (To the dog) You’re back up.
ELIAS: Now; sometimes it’s not unusual to be somewhat caught up, in a manner of speaking, in thoughts that might not even include feelings but thoughts about experiences, and to be almost mesmerized by them. You keep focusing on them. They seem to surface randomly and then you’re caught in this direction of paying attention and thinking and thinking and thinking about the situation and the experience and what was it and what do you think about that and what do you feel about that and… And you’ll tangent with that also.
When that happens, that’s also destructive. That’s the reason that you need these tools also, because it’s not constructive to keep thinking about these experiences. You can’t change them by thinking about them, and it doesn’t serve you in any positive capacity. What it does is it discounts you.
JESSIE: How do I know if I’m avoiding it though? Like if I’m—
ELIAS: You can.
JESSIE: If I’m not thinking about it.
ELIAS: That is the point. You can avoid it. You don’t want to be engaging it. Therefore, the point IS avoiding and ignoring it, because this is, this is an old monster. The more you think about it, the more you pay attention to it, the more you feed it. And it doesn’t need to be fed.
JESSIE: And so I heal from it by avoiding it? Or—
ELIAS: You already know. You already have the information. You already know.
JESSIE: So healing is choosing different…Yeah, using my tools.
ELIAS: Yes. Yes. And choosing different actions and different behaviors, which includes different thinking. This is something you already know. You don’t have to keep repeating and repeating and repeating thinking about it. It does nothing except to make you uncomfortable, disempower you and discount you. Therefore there is no benefit from this loop thinking.
JESSIE: Okay. The other piece though is having kept it to myself for so long, wouldn’t it be healing to either talk about it or confront—
ELIAS: Yes.
JESSIE: — certain family?
ELIAS: Yes. Yes. When you’re ready, which we discussed in our previous conversation. Yes, I definitely agree with that. And I would say that—
JESSIE: I think that’s part of my loop thinking.
ELIAS: Ah! That is also not beneficial.
JESSIE: Does that just mean I’m not ready?
ELIAS: What I would say to you is instead of loop thinking, journal. When you’re thinking about what you want to say to someone and how you want to confront that individual, write it. What happens when you are simply thinking, first of all when you’re thinking, you’re only using one hemisphere of your brain again, not both. When you’re speaking or writing, you’re using both hemispheres of your brain.
JESSIE: What if I type it on my phone? Does that count? Because—
ELIAS: Yes.
JESSIE: — sometimes I might not have paper. But I have written things in my phone before that… Like to my friend, things I wanted to say to her but didn’t, wasn’t actually going to send to her but I would write it in my phone.
ELIAS: Yes. You can do that. That’s entirely acceptable. A tablet, your phone, the computer, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to do it on paper. But I would very strongly encourage you to, when you start thinking, write it. Because you waste a tremendous amount of time simply thinking. You can consume so much time thinking and when you’re doing that, you’re not doing other things.
Therefore also comes into play the subject of procrastination. What you don’t realize is that a lot of the procrastination is actually implemented and instigated by thinking, because the thinking is taking up so much time, and you’re focused on that. Therefore you don’t want to do anything else except think and the more you think, the less you do.
JESSIE: You mean like in all areas of my life?
ELIAS: Yes. I would say also, you mentioned that you like doing artsy things. I would say to you that again, doing something with your hands is very important because your brain can’t focus on thinking, thinking, thinking and doing something with your hands. It’s always going to move in the direction of what you’re physically doing over what you’re thinking. Therefore doing with your hands, choosing something to do with your hands, is important.
What I would also say to you is, the action of choosing something to do with your hands, choose something that you can do routinely. It doesn’t matter what it is.
JESSIE: What about like beading?
ELIAS: Yes. Yes. That would be excellent. Something that you can do on a daily basis, or even if you don’t do it daily, you’re doing it frequently throughout your week. That it’s something that you do routinely, because that changes the chemical firing in your brain, which is good. And by changing the chemical firing in your brain, what it’s doing is it’s retraining your brain to move in different directions, to alter those signals, to alter behaviors. You have to be very intentional with these actions because your brain moves in very familiar directions. It’s very repetitive. And therefore in these types of situations, it’s somewhat oppositional to what you want to do.
Now; write down beading as something to do routinely. This is a preventative. It prevents you from becoming depressed. It prevents you from panic attacks. It moves you in a direction of being less thinking, more calm. Automatically. You don’t have to work at it. The action of using your hands does it for you.
This is the wonder of humans, that there are many things you can do that automatically alter behaviors. And make you feel better.
Write down cooking. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate, but it is a good and a strong distraction and different direction to engage if you’re beginning to feel something intense. If something is less intense, you can listen to music for a short time. (Pause)
Another direction that can be very helpful is to include your children. Because when you include other people, it helps you to take the focus off you, which is good. Therefore I would suggest that you make a list of activities, not elaborate ones, but activities that you can do with your children that are fun and that don’t require much.
JESSIE: Legos and play-doh? (Chuckles)
ELIAS: Making leaf pictures, with waxed paper. That’s something that you can do now at this time of year. And in that – or you can make leaf bouquets and put them in flower vases, which is also simple and doesn’t require much time and doesn’t require much effort. But it’s something that you can do with your children that’s fun and that is definitely distracting, and that has enough energy and power in it that it can take you away from the experiences and the feelings that you don’t want to perpetuate. Go outside and collect sticks, and pretend they’re wands. There are many different things you can do. Use your imagination. Write down a list of different activities. I would suggest that you make an extensive list, because whatever you’re going to do is not going to take much time. And therefore you’re going to need many of them. But – and in that, you can involve them in cooking also. Anything. When you involve other people, it’s powerful.
In relation to all of the things that you mentioned, dancing. You don’t have to go dancing to dance. You can do it in your home and release that energy, and focus on something different. Focusing on the music and the movement. Focus on your body. Which is another thing that I would say can be a powerful tool, is to genuinely focus on your body and listen to your body. What is happening with it? And respond to it.
Feelings create reactions in the body. Therefore know what your body is doing and you can respond and alleviate that. Therefore that’s another tool to write down.
Another tool that is very important for maintenance for you is to give yourself time for you, alone. I know that can be challenging when you have children but it’s important.
JESSIE: Do you mean on a daily basis or just throughout the week? Because I do have a few days that the kids are with their father.
ELIAS: Good. I would say that for some designation of time, such as for your meditation, it’s important on a daily basis for you to have some alone time. (One of Mary’s dogs whines)
JESSIE: What does he want?
ELIAS: It wants here. (Jessie places the dog) I would say that paying attention to what you are experiencing – and I know that that’s challenging, but it gets easier – paying attention to what you’re feeling, what you’re experiencing in your body, will be tremendously helpful. And in that, that will give you direction in relation to your choices and what to do, and also even in relation to confronting people in association with these experiences. It’s very important that you do that when you’re ready. Don’t force it, because you’ll do more harm to yourself than anything.
When you’re ready, it won’t matter what the other individual’s response is. Because the other individual’s response is likely not going to be what you want it to be, unfortunately. But when you’re not ready, that will be very bothersome to you and then it disempowers you again. When you’re ready, you are empowered in yourself and you are stable enough and centered enough that you can listen to someone else’s denial and it won’t matter because you know what you know, and you also know that they’re simply defending themselves. And defense is opposition, always, and that’s what they do to hide. But that’s to be expected. People don’t like being accused, especially when they’re guilty. (Chuckles)
JESSIE: Of such horrors.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) In all of this, I’d say that it’s also important for you to be giving yourself some time of some fun and some pleasure. It’s important. You’re not only a mother and a working individual. You’re much more than that, and it’s important that you allow yourself to experience what you haven’t been allowing yourself to experience. Do you understand?
[Portion omitted]
ELIAS: A red flag is when you are engaging with another individual and they express in some manner that makes you very uncomfortable – or it might not make you very uncomfortable, but you don’t like it.
JESSIE: You’re saying that’s their, the red flag that—
ELIAS: It’s their behavior that you’re observing, because you’re going to attract individuals that match where you are at now. Therefore your red flags are instructional. They are expressions that are good that you notice because they give you information about what you’re attracting and what you want or don’t want. The red flags are what you don’t want. In that, when the other individual does something or expresses a behavior or expresses in any manner that annoys you, that makes you feel unsafe, that begins to cause you anxiety, that irritates you, any of these negative feelings, when someone else does something that invokes those types of feelings with you, those are your red flags. Because that means that you have drawn to you something that you don’t want. That that’s something that’s still somewhat of an issue, that you’re still doing something. You’re still expressing something that is discounting of yourself, that’s pulling that energy to you that you don’t want.
You don’t have to look for it. Therefore, stop the loop thinking. You don’t have to be scrutinizing every other individual that you engage with. You’ll know if something is uncomfortable for you. It will automatically happen. And in that, you don’t have to find it. You don’t have to be looking under every sheet and every pillow and every blanket to find the thorn. If you sit on it, you’ll feel it.
In that, what I would say to you is, it is important that you give yourself the opportunity to play, to have fun, to enjoy yourself. That’s good. Therefore do it. (Elias laughs) And don’t look for the thorns. It doesn’t matter. And if you’re not finding thorns, all the better. That means you’re actually drawing somebody to yourself that is good and that you can trust. And that means you’re trusting yourself more. That’s—
(Audio ends after 46 minutes)
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