Session 202403042

Family Issues, Part 1


“Family Issues, Part 1”
“Take Care of You and Give Yourself Credit”
“Not Taking Personal Responsibility and Not Personalizing”

Monday, March 4, 2024

Participants: Mary (Michael) and Anon

ELIAS: Good afternoon!

ANON: Good afternoon, Elias.

ELIAS: And how shall we begin, my friend?

ANON: Well, I've been talking to Mary a lot about the main thing I want to talk about, but I would just like to ask a few fun questions first.

ELIAS: Very well.

ANON: Because also I feel like these two things can probably help me with what I'm dealing with. The first one, I'm going to read a statement from Bashar, and I would just like you to comment on it. He says, “Mastery over physical reality doesn't necessarily mean that you alter it. Mastery over physical reality means that you don't care if it changes or not. When you understand that you can be in bliss regardless of what's going on in the physical reality, then you will have mastered physical reality.” And I also substitute just “peace” or “comfort” for the bliss part of it.

So, what's your comment about that? Is it accurate?

ELIAS: I would say yes. I would say that's wisdom.

ANON: Right. Any other comments?

ELIAS: What I would say to you, my friend, is what is also wisdom and significant in relation to mastery over your reality is the recognition that it is all about you, and that it's all about your choices. And you choose everything, including what you feel and what directions you move in.

I understand that the less aware people are, the less they actually can realistically move in a direction of what their choices are and expressing about their choices in relation to their feelings. But the more aware you are of yourself, the more you can choose to feel comfortable with yourself because you're not afraid of outside sources, and you're not in a direction of control, and you're not taking responsibility for outside sources or personalizing outside sources. If you can move in the direction of not taking personal responsibility and not personalizing, you will be moving in a definite direction of contentment, my friend.

ANON: Okay.

ELIAS: Do you understand what that means?

ANON: Well, personalizing, that's taking personal responsibility for other people's feelings, right?


ANON: Or thinking that I caused the problem?

ELIAS: Yes. THAT is personalizing. When you think you've caused the problem, or you think that someone else is holding you responsible for causing the problem… or for anything. That when you are expressing in yourself that someone else is doing something intentionally to you to hurt you, or to harm you or to discount you, that's personalizing. Because most of the time, other people are behaving in the manner that they're behaving because of their own issues, and that that's simply what they know and that's what they do. And it isn't actually about YOU because they would be expressing the same in relation to anyone.

Do you understand that?

ANON: Yes, I do. And so my question is always, okay, is there some part of…? Like, I really want to be self-aware. If they're being so oppositional or accusatory towards me, maybe there WAS an energy there that was oppositional or antagonistic.

ELIAS: But let me express this first, because what I would say to you is you as an individual are very quick to question yourself and hold yourself responsible. That's the taking personal responsibility part. Now in that, what I would say to you is there's always a reason that you present things to yourself, but that doesn't mean that whatever you're presenting to yourself is a mirror. It's most of the time not.

Therefore, yes, there is always a reason that you're presenting things to yourself, and I would say that it's a good rule of thumb, in a manner of speaking, to… check in with yourself. When something is happening or someone is being accusatory of you, or someone is expressing in a hurtful manner to you, and when someone is blaming, it's a good rule of thumb to simply check in with yourself and to evaluate, ”Is there something in what the other individual is saying IN THIS MOMENT” – not in the past, not in the future – “in this moment am I actually doing something that warrants what the other individual is expressing?” And if you can actually look at yourself in the moment and say, “No, I'm not actually doing something that warrants this,” then it's a matter of recognizing this is the other person's issue.

And let me also express to you, this is also a very good rule of thumb to carry with you: When another person is blaming and accusing, that's the time to generally recognize within yourself, this is not about you; this is about them. And in this, the part that's about you is whether you choose to participate with that or not. What THAT means is, what choice are you going to make in relation to the behavior of the other person? If the other person is accusing or blaming, that is a behavior that they are engaging that's actually about themself that they can't look at. They can't see that part of themself, and therefore they project it onto someone else.

Remember the times that I have expressed to all of you about things that are so close to you and so directly in front of you that you can't see them?

ANON: Yes.

ELIAS: That's an example of it. When YOU'RE blaming or when YOU'RE accusing, that's an example of something that is so close to you and so directly in front of you that you can't see it and therefore you project it onto someone else. But other people do it to you also. It's not only what you do. You don't live in a reality alone. You live in a reality with many, many, many, many, many other people – billions of other people.

Therefore, yes, you are creating all of your reality. Therefore, yes, you put yourself in a position in which you will be presenting that expression to yourself, not because you deserve that blame or that accusation, but more likely because it's a presentment to you of what choice are you going to make? Are you going to be responsible to you and move in a direction of choosing for you? Or are you going to assume what the other individual is projecting to you and take it in, and then discount yourself and judge yourself because of what the other individual is doing. You're not making them do that. Those are their choices.

ANON: Yeah, okay. That takes care of the second situation I wanted to bring up with you that I didn't talk to Mary about. (Laughing) But, yeah, that's all happening. And why it's so intense, Elias. I've never had such a situation where I've been accused of so much, and it's been so painful because it's been around my brother and his death and everything.

ELIAS: I would say that that's what people do. They present intense and very difficult situations to themselves; otherwise, they won't pay attention.

ANON: Okay. (Laughs) Yeah.

ELIAS: Because you push things away, and you don't even realize how many times you have pushed away certain subjects and for how long.

ANON: (Laughing) All right, I get it.

ELIAS: Or, at a particular point, you create such an intensity that you can't push it away any longer.

ANON: All right. I get that.

ELIAS: Or, you can if you entirely disassociate. But if you entirely disassociate, then you move in a direction of what happens with trauma. That's the same thing. And therefore, in that, it's a matter of eventually, especially if you are moving in a direction of being and becoming more self-aware, you eventually present an intensity to yourself that you can't ignore any longer and you can't push away.

ANON: Right. I can't ignore this one! Okay.

ELIAS: I would say that that is significant. Now, what I would tell you in that is genuinely remember what I'm saying to you about accusations and blame. That's not about you.

ANON: Okay.

ELIAS: Whenever people move in those directions of expressing accusations and blame, that's about them.

ANON: Okay. Well, it's even kind of obvious and spelled out, because I can see that she's doing all that stuff that she's blaming me for! (Laughs)


ANON: I can see it! I can actually see it!

ELIAS: And usually, that IS the situation. Especially, when you ARE more self-aware, you DEFINITELY can see when an individual is doing the very thing that they are accusing you of – or, doing the very thing that they are accusing someone else of doing.

ANON: Right.

ELIAS: And generally, let me also say to you that when an individual is in the direction of that type of behavior, they don't only target one person. Therefore, you won't be the only person that's being blamed or that is being accused.

ANON: Right.

ELIAS: And it won't be in relation to one subject. It'll be multiple subjects and multiple people.

ANON: Right. I've seen that too. Yeah.

Okay. You said two things: You said taking personal responsibility, and the other one… ? Oh, wait, that was the first thing. The second one was personalizing, right?

ELIAS: Correct. Correct.

ANON: So, taking personal responsibility: Can we talk about how I'm doing that with my father? – IF I'm doing that with my father. I know I do it. I probably do it with everybody. But you were privy to what I told Mary, right? Or should I say it again?

ELIAS: I'm not an eavesdropper! (Laughs)

ANON: All right. Okay, so my father has been living with us for two years since my mother died. And after [my daughter] and the family moved out and everyone moved away, I'm feeling more of… more limited. I was already feeling kind of limited. But on the other hand, I believe there's a strong part of me that wants to take care of my father and help him in his old age, but on the other side I feel hugely limited.

And then the third thing that's just been coming up, I would say in the last probably five months, is I feel really strong feelings when I'm in his presence of revulsion, of… I just have to say icky feelings in my stomach: nausea, turmoil.

I'm not sure if these feelings are coming from associations from childhood. I know some of them are. Is it his own energy of discomfort? Because he doesn't express anything, he just kind of keeps it down. He sneezes and coughs instead, gets allergies, whatever, but he doesn't express his feelings to himself or to me.

Also, icky feelings about him going on online dating websites, and I feel like it's all scammer stuff. And it's all … I don't know, I don't even hardly… that part's really bothering me, the dating stuff.

ELIAS: What bothers you about that, before you move on?

ANON: Because he's on these websites with young women, like in their 20s, and I feel like they want to scam my dad. And I also imagine that they're luring him in with a lot of sex talk and whatever. He's on his phone constantly, talking with them.

ELIAS: How do you think they are scamming him?

ANON: I worry that they… Well, he told me that they want to marry him, and he actually… He says he doesn't want to do that. I think he just wants to spend the night at a hotel with them, because he's tried to do that a couple times, but it always falls through.

But I guess I worry that they're going to, like, get his phone and do things on his phone – you know, like get into his bank account or whatever. That's kind of one thing that I'm concerned about. And then the other thing is, yeah, like marry him. (Laughs) I don't know. Imagination things come up about stuff like that. But I really do work to change my energy through deep breathing and through meditation, going for a walk and distracting myself every time I start thinking about any kind of scamming stuff that might happen.

And then I'm concerned because he doesn't know his way around town, and he can't even see very well at night if he's driving, and I'm concerned, you know, like what if he gets lost? But on the other hand, I have had personal experience that things work out if I don't freak out and go in that direction. If I can stay calm and centered, then usually things are okay.

ELIAS: What I ask you is, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid of in relation to YOU? Not what are you afraid of that will happen to him. What are you afraid of that will happen to YOU?

ANON: That it was my fault, and I was a terrible daughter. (Laughs)

ELIAS: Ahhh!

ANON: Yeah. (Laughing) You got me!

ELIAS: Now THAT is taking personal responsibility.

ANON: (Laughing) Yeah.

ELIAS: And in that, are you creating his reality?

ANON: (Emotionally) No.

ELIAS: Are you making his choices? (Anon sighs) I didn't hear an answer.

ANON: No, I'm not making his choices.

ELIAS: No, you're NOT making his choices. And he may be older – [but] he's not a child!


ELIAS: And in that, he's capable of making his own choices.

Now; what if an individual met with him? What if he met some young woman and met them in a hotel? And in that, what is your worst fear that might happen?

ANON: (Emotionally) That he might not come back.

ELIAS: Ahhh! That he might not come back. And in that, what is the terribleness in that? First of all, he would.

ANON: Yeah.

ELIAS: But even if he didn't, let us say, in the worst case, hypothetical scenario, you're not responsible for that. You're not making those choices.

This is a matter of what I was expressing to you about presenting these things to yourself to look at your judgments, to look at your participation – and in that, what your participation means. You expressed that there is a part of you that wants to take care of him now that he is older. But I would say to you, genuinely: How are you taking care of you?

ANON: Not very well.

ELIAS: I would concern yourself more with that than taking care of him.

ANON: You know, I have wondered, is this my genuine desire and want? Or is this like a false idea that I took on, that that's just what I would do as a good person and a good daughter? I'm not clear about that.

ELIAS: I would say that actually, more of it is that.

ANON: Which one?

ELIAS: The latter. The part about obligation, because that means that you're being a good daughter, and that's your proof of being a good daughter. You're proving that to yourself.

You don't have to prove it to yourself.

ANON: Okay.

ELIAS: You're not abusive. You don't hate him – although that resentment could develop into that if you're not careful.

ANON: Mm-hm.

ELIAS: I would say that in this, you invited him to come into your home and to live with you so that he wouldn't be alone, (with emphasis) but you also have to let him be himself. He's not your child. He's your father.

ANON: Mm-hm.

ELIAS: And in that, I would say that the situation is coming to a climax, in a manner of speaking; that some of this DOES have to do with your past and your childhood. And in that, I would say that an individual or a parent does not have to be abusive to be perpetrating trauma. An individual can be emotionally unavailable, and that can be just as damaging.

ANON: Mm-hm.

ELIAS: What I would say is, in this situation, you're presenting this to yourself to recognize what your motivation was to bring him into your home. It's not wrong; it's simply a matter of recognizing that your motivation wasn't necessarily the most healthy.

ANON: Okay.

ELIAS: And it's coming to light now. And you've put yourself in a position in which you can't escape it.

ANON: Right. Well, Dad's always going to be emotionally unavailable.

ELIAS: Correct. Correct.

ANON: And so part of my motivation was thinking that I could somehow bridge that?

ELIAS: Partially, but partially also taking personal responsibility: that if he was emotionally unavailable to you as a child and still is, that that must be your fault.


ELIAS: There must be something wrong with you that he can't connect to you. That's not true, but it's a holdover from childhood because children automatically take responsibility.

If their parents or some other adult that is important in their life expresses behaviors that are harmful to them or traumatizing to them, children take responsibility. They automatically move in the direction of thinking and feeling that there must be something wrong with them, otherwise those adults wouldn't be behaving in the manner that they are. Because children are intrinsically trusting, and therefore, they don't make the association that there's something wrong with the adult – they automatically trust them. Even when they hurt them, they still trust them! And they move in the direction of wanting to help, and even as small children wanting to fix, because they take on the responsibility of the adult behavior.

And the problem with that is not only the behavior affecting the child, but that that child grows and develops and keeps carrying that with them. And many, many of you have grown and developed and carried that experience and that trauma with you (with emphasis) through your entire lives.

But now, you're becoming more aware. And the more aware you become, then the more you see things differently, AND the more you put yourself in situations to be responsible to you – not to take personal responsibility for other people, but to be responsible to you.

ANON: Okay, so while we're talking about this… Um, I know I myself was at times emotionally unavailable to my children.

ELIAS: Which is understandable, because that's what you knew.

ANON: And [my daughter] has been investigating, “What's wrong with me?” – constantly searching for that thing that's wrong with her. Then I'm going back – well, I HAVE been thinking about it, and lately I came up with, “Well, was it all the times that I kind of closed myself in my room doing my spiritual studies and, you know, kind of let them do their own thing?”

ELIAS: No; I will say something important to you.

ANON: Okay.

ELIAS: I understand what you're expressing, and it is important that you incorporate a time in which you reflect on your actions, your choices, and your behaviors – and that you reflect on how that has influenced and impacted YOUR children.

And then, rather than moving in the direction of guilt, what is important in relation to that reflection is that then you can engage with those children. You can express that you know what your participation was, even in a lack of participation; that's a type of participation. And in that, then when they are looking at their lives – and I do understand that that can be difficult for you to listen to – but, what I would say is, how you express healing for yourself and you support your children in their healing is by recognizing your participation and then expressing to them, “I understand what you're doing now, or what difficulties you're having now, because of my participation when you were younger. But – I also am not that person any longer, and I'm not doing that now. And therefore NOW I have things to say and to participate with you differently if you allow me to.”
It's not a matter of blaming yourself and judging yourself and expressing guilt. All of that is pointless, and all it does is diminish you. It doesn't accomplish anything, and it doesn't help anyone, especially yourself.

But when you can reflect, and you can look at different behaviors of your own, and you can also acknowledge that you don't have those behaviors now – or that if you do have some of them, that you are changing them, that you ARE moving in a direction of being more self-aware, that you ARE moving in a direction of being responsible to you and therefore you ARE moving in a direction of becoming a healthy individual and expressing a genuine wellbeing, which then also ripples and transfers to them.

ANON: Okay.

ELIAS: But it begins with you and your choices and being responsible to you, which means not taking on other people's behaviors and choices. Those are their behaviors and THEIR choices.

You might also consider, for yourself, choosing to write a letter to different individuals expressing what your participation in their lives has been and what you see as what your behavior was, and what you see now of how you are changing your life. Because in that, what that does is it acknowledges the experiences of the child, which may be an adult now, but it acknowledges their experiences as a child. And then it also shows them an example of how they can move in a different direction also because you are, and it encourages them. And it also creates a bridge of new trust. When you're vulnerable, when you're expressing genuinely in admission of what you see of yourself, that creates a bridge of trust.

I would say, if your father could actually sit down with you and express an admission to you of his behaviors when you were a small one, but that you could see that he was actively attempting to change that now, it would make a significant difference in how you think and feel in relation to him. And the same applies to you and your children.

I would say that at this point in your life, my dear friend, you ARE attempting to move in different directions. You ARE becoming more self-aware, or we wouldn't be having this conversation.

ANON: Yeah.

ELIAS: Therefore, give yourself credit.

ANON: Okay.

ELIAS: And recognize that you don't deserve what is being flung at you. But you have to express that first within yourself: “I don't deserve that.”

Now, let me also say to you in relation to that point, there are times, as you become more self-aware, that you can see what other people are doing, how they're behaving in relation to accusations of blame or a lack of participation. In that, you can genuinely acknowledge to yourself, “I don't deserve this type of behavior or expression.” But that doesn't always mean that it's necessary or important for you to say that.

ANON: Right.

ELIAS: Sometimes it's simply a matter of you acknowledging that to yourself that you don't deserve certain expressions and behaviors, and then making a choice – not forever, but making a choice for a time to not participate. Because you're acknowledging to yourself that you don't deserve certain behaviors and that you're worth more than that, and that you have been working hard to change yourself and that you acknowledge that with yourself and you credit yourself with that, and therefore YOU choose when you want to participate with individuals when they're not judging and discounting of you.

ANON: Mm-hm. Well, neither of my kids are doing a whole lot of that; it's mostly just me doing it to myself when I hear their struggles.

ELIAS: Which is not helpful.

ANON: Yeah.

ELIAS: I would say that what IS helpful is how you can be the greatest support is to NOT be generating that judgment of yourself – and to actually be able to express that. That you see what your participation was or what your behavior was at a certain point, but that you're not feeling guilty about that any longer, that you did that and you're done with that, and that you're beyond that now – when you move beyond it; I know you're not beyond it yet, but WHEN you get beyond it – by acknowledging yourself and crediting yourself and valuing yourself, that that is also very supportive to them, and even to your father. When you can express that no, you don't feel guilt, you're not judging yourself, that just as much as you can acknowledge another person and you can understand their behavior and not necessarily excuse but recognize that at whatever point in their life they are at that they are expressing what they know and what they can.

ANON: Right, of course.

ELIAS: And if they could express differently, if they knew different and if they could express differently they likely would, but they can't.

ANON: Right. I get that.

ELIAS: It’s a matter of affording that to you, too.

ANON: Right, I have. I mean, I do that. I recognize that I did the best I could. I mean, I've always been trying to do the best I can, to be the best person I can. (Laughs) And I was back then, and I just have more information and self-awareness now.

ELIAS: Correct.

ANON: So that's just that, yeah.

So what do you think about this idea of if [my husband] and I want to go on a six- or seven-day trip and just leaving dad here at the house, which I think we're going to do…? And he's capable. He may not enjoy being alone, and he may not enjoy having to come up with his own dinner, but he's capable of it.

ELIAS: And I would say that also, that's somewhat of an assumption that he might not enjoy being alone.

ANON: Oh. (Laughs) Okay!

ELIAS: He might.

ANON: Yeah.

ELIAS: And in that, it might not matter to him about making his own dinner because he can make whatever he chooses – or not! And in that, he doesn't have to participate with anybody, he doesn't have to answer to anyone, and if he wants to spend all night online with some young woman that is 20 years old, no one is there to… hover.

ANON: (Laughing) Judge him.

ELIAS: Precisely! Therefore, he might actually not be distressed in being alone.

ANON: Okay. Right.

ELIAS: And let me also express to you another point in relation to many individuals – male and female, but more so men – that when they become older, they move in the direction of feeling unattractive and useless. I would say they trade places with women in younger ages.


ELIAS: Many times women at younger ages feel unimportant or unattractive or useless because they're managing the home and they're not actually doing what they want to do. In that, men, when they are older, feel very similar. And they do move in directions of attempting to attract the attention of younger women because it makes them feel attractive, it makes them feel that they're still able to attract the attention of a young woman that should be looking at young men.

ANON: Mm-hm.

ELIAS: And in that, I would say that, realistically, many times with these older men, they don't care about giving money to young women either. Because in that, it's an expression of they can do something; they have something that is wanted and that is attractive. Even if it's not their own physical expression, although they do have a tendency to think that they are (chuckles) attractive to younger women regardless; that is definitely an ego expression. But it's very common. And in that, I would say to you, you worry too much.

ANON: Okay. I got that. Okay. I think I could just make things easier if, you know, if dad does end up staying here, if we can just go and do our own thing.

ELIAS: There's no reason for you not to – except for you.

ANON: Right.

ELIAS: You're the one that is holding yourself hostage and being obligated, and it's not actually even being asked for.

[The timer for the session rings]

ANON: Okay.

ELIAS: There is a significant key. (Anon laughs) Something to ponder, my friend.

ANON: Okay.

ELIAS: (Whispering intensely) Stop judging yourself. You're worth much more than that. Where's all that spiritual training that you [inaudible]?

ANON: (Laughing) Yeah.

ELIAS: Did it all disappear?

ANON: (Laughs) Yeah, when it comes down to it, I guess it did when it comes to me.

ELIAS: Ah! Find it – and use it.

ANON: Okay.

ELIAS: And I will be expressing my support to you tremendously, and always.

ANON: Thank you, Elias. This has been very helpful.

ELIAS: You're exceptionally welcome. And I express tremendous, tremendous love and affection to you, and a tremendous acknowledgment of what you have already accomplished and what you WILL accomplish.

Now credit yourself. Agreed?

ANON: Agreed.

ELIAS: Excellent! I shall greatly be looking forward to our next conversation – and more of your accomplishments.

ANON: Okay.

ELIAS: And no more judgments.

ANON: Mm-hm. All right.

ELIAS: Very well.

ANON: All right. All right. I love you. Thank you!

ELIAS: You are very welcome. With great love and dear friendship to you, as always, au revoir.

ANON: Au revoir.

(Elias departs after 1 hour 2 minutes)

Copyright 2024 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.