Genuine Grieving
Topics:
Session 201707191
“Genuine Grieving”
Wednesday, July 19, 2017 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Lynda (Ruther)
ELIAS: Good morning!
LYNDA: (Singing) “Melting your heart of stone. I’d love to take you on slow boat to China” – and me, too!
Okay. I’m back. What a fun last three weeks. Thanks so much, Lynda, for being in this dimension.
ELIAS: Ah.
LYNDA: I’m going to try to not be glib. I’m recording this, but I’m going to name names, and I don’t care. I’m recording it for myself—I hope.
Elias, I don’t know where to start. (Laughs)
ELIAS: At the beginning.
LYNDA: At the… when they begin the beguine. Okay.
The Sunday after the Thursday that Polly left, I had been with Fatma, and… I’ll get to the eating portion of our program in a minute, but it was the Sunday she was leaving, and I triggered two back-to-back Mary biggie jealousy triggers, and maybe a little Donnalie, and even a little Polly, that were so intense it shocked me and took my breath away.
How it happened was is I thought I had hurt… Frank sent through a letter about making a joke about Polly and then said he was going to really write Mary, and Mary made a comment later when I was here that she was really glad he didn’t send her a stupid note but sent her a meaningful note. And I took total responsibility for even being funny with Frank. I should have never done that.
Anyway, that was the trigger. I felt bad about doing that. It was my natural movement with him, and neither of us felt that it was funny, Frank and I, but it was our way of… And usually Mary laughs. (Whispering) I kind of wish this time she (inaudible).
Anyway, so it lasted twenty-four hours in its intensity. I shared it a little bit with Fatma, because we have a little bit of a transparent thing going on, but I felt terrible. And then I shared it with Rose and I felt much better, because she totally understood the grief situation and why the trigger would be exacerbated. And I was able to pretty much throw it off—not throw it off, but look at it, own it, and go, “This is never going to go away.” And all these… I’m pretty sure all these components exacerbated it.
But it set me off. And (emotionally) I haven’t really been the same in three weeks. I don’t know. I heard Jean’s session. I don’t know… I don’t get the mad thing yet. Maybe that’s the next layer, but I’m in and out of being just depressed and having no motivation. And at first, I felt I can’t… There’s no one for me to tell how much I’m going to miss Polly. Mary’s gone. And Mary and I just talked about this, because when Mary goes away, I don’t… It’s been a long time since Mary went way like this. And you know me—we have a sort of, in my brain, a symbiotic relationship, so when she goes bye-bye I kind of lose interest, but… I don’t know if that’s bad or good, but it is what it is.
So, anyway, I functioned. I did my Elias thing. I’ve gone to work every day. It’s hard for me to sleep at night. I wake up really blue. I do see a green dot hovering on the ceiling, and I go, “Whatever, Vicki” and I just sort of lost… My orange and yellow rings have kind of gone out, and I’m hiding in the fern with the bird. And I have moments where I want to express, and I express my passion, but I’m almost afraid to ask you what happened, because something happened to me. But I want to know what I did.
I have a couple of impressions—one impression, maybe—that… Could it be anything to do with counterpart action exacerbating it? In that moment? I can… Wait. Wait a minute. One moment. (Emotionally) Oh. Stop. (Lynda turns the tape off here but decides to just turn it back on and repeat what Elias said in that break point) It’s about a tremendous loss; it’s not about counterpart action. Polly’s a bigger loss than I know, and Mary was a bigger loss.
ELIAS: Both.
LYNDA: At the same time.
ELIAS: Both. Yes.
LYNDA: Okay. I’m not bad?
ELIAS: No.
LYNDA: This is not like a weakness or something?
ELIAS: No. Definitely not. This is grieving. This is real grieving.
LYNDA: This is not mad. This is grieving.
ELIAS: This is genuine grieving.
LYNDA: Thank you.
ELIAS: Genuine grieving is one of the most difficult processes that you as humans experience.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: Let me explain in this manner: As you already know, creatures are an extension of each of you, and dependent upon the type of relationship that you have with them, when they disengage that is an action of, figuratively speaking, disappearing a part of yourself.
LYNDA: My Gilda.
ELIAS: Yes.
Now; in relation to you and this situation, the relationship between the creature and Michael was so strong that the loss of that is tremendous and overwhelming. For you, this is a matter of not two losses, in a manner of speaking, but one deep loss, because the creature and Michael were so bonded that they were almost one.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: Therefore, the loss of the creature is translating into the loss of Michael also.
LYNDA: Right. Because that’s what she’s doing. She’s gone away.
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: I agree. I would express that that is… That is an accurate assessment. You are correct. Michael has pulled inward so far that for the most part, you are correct. There is almost no outward expression. And that is translating for you into the loss of the whole.
LYNDA: Of both of them.
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: At least there’s a reason. I’m not losing my fuckin’ mind.
ELIAS: No. You are not.
LYNDA: I’m not wounded anymore. I mean… Wait a minute. Let me take that—
ELIAS: You ARE, because this—
LYNDA: This—
ELIAS: --is a wound.
LYNDA: What I meant was… Right. Yes. This is a wound.
ELIAS: This is a significant wound.
LYNDA: A significant wound.
ELIAS: What I would express to you is that grieving is a process, and it is not a quick process. And the stronger the relationship and the bond is between yourself and the object of the loss, the more intense the process is.
Let me also express to you, from a different angle you are grieving in two capacities, because you are grieving the relationship that YOU had with the creature, which was your personal relationship.
LYNDA: And it was real.
ELIAS: Very much so.
LYNDA: And she let me say good-bye to her.
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: Was that cool?
ELIAS: Yes. That is VERY real. And that is your own personal relationship, which you definitely had, --
LYNDA: Thank you.
ELIAS: --separate and apart from anyone else. Then you also have a relationship with Michael. And what I will acknowledge to you presently is that in the many years that you have incorporated a relationship with Michael, the reason you are feeling what you are feeling now is that regardless of differences, regardless of what you have experienced together or even apart, Michael has never withdrawn in this manner.
LYNDA: I’ve seen her in soft mode before over the last many years, but not like this.
ELIAS: No.
LYNDA: Never. So that’s what you’re saying.
ELIAS: Michael has never withdrawn in this manner. Not merely with you—ever in this focus.
LYNDA: Oh my god.
ELIAS: This is a unique action. This has not occurred in this focus with Michael, retreating to this—
LYNDA: This—
ELIAS: — rate.
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: Therefore, you are feeling that also.
LYNDA: Because she’s nowhere. I can’t find her energy anywhere. Okay.
ELIAS: And that is very accurate. Because it isn’t.
LYNDA: Okay then.
ELIAS: And I acknowledge not only that that IS difficult, for it will be, for this is not likely to alter soon.
LYNDA: Okay.
ELIAS: Therefore, it will be difficult or challenging. What I will also express to you is a tremendous encouragement not to personalize this situation.
LYNDA: And trigger off. Yeah.
ELIAS: Regardless of what relationship Michael has or has had with anyone in this focus, the retreat is all-inclusive. It is… (pause)
LYNDA: Everybody.
ELIAS: It is not merely everyone. It is everything.
LYNDA: So she’s making herself sort of be on automatic pilot right now, to do things. Kind of.
ELIAS: To a degree.
LYNDA: She’s…
ELIAS: To a degree.
LYNDA: Not automatic, but she’s trying to—
ELIAS: No. I would express an acknowledgement—
LYNDA: To her.
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: Yes.
ELIAS: Because there are steps that are being engaged to re-engage in some actions, but that is being done for self. And let me express that—
LYNDA: She said that.
ELIAS: — at this point, that is a significant step, and I acknowledge it because it is significantly quick.
LYNDA: Really. That’s cool.
ELIAS: I would express that generally, individuals experiencing this type of loss generally don’t even move in these steps for self for months and months and months, some not for years.
LYNDA: Yeah.
ELIAS: Therefore, I would express that in keeping with Michael’s usual movements, this is relatively quick. But do not mistake that as moving back into usual, because the withdrawal remains.
LYNDA: Yeah.
ELIAS: The withdrawal is strong, and I would express that it is difficult to express a likelihood of when that may penetrate—
LYNDA: That’s okay.
ELIAS: —outwardly, but I acknowledge the steps that are being generated for self to not be, in a manner of speaking, drowning in this whirlpool.
LYNDA: Yes. Yes. This is so helpful.
ELIAS: But I would express to you and to everyone that interacts with Michael, if you feel that void, if you can’t feel Michael’s energy, if you can’t genuinely connect, it is not you. It is not any of you.
LYNDA: It’s what’s going on.
ELIAS: It is that tremendous pullback, retreat into self, which is not actually generating a shield, but similar. There is no shield that is being erected, but the withdrawal is so tremendous, there is very little if any output.
LYNDA: Yeah.
ELIAS: Therefore, acknowledge what you feel. It is very real. It is very understandable. You are grieving two relationships, one in a temporary withdrawal, one in a permanent withdrawal. And in that, I acknowledge to you it is not only the helpless feeling of not having the ability to do, but it is also a helpless feeling in relation to the creature, because Michael is the only individual that can reconfigure that. And—
LYNDA: She’s not anywhere close to doing that.
ELIAS: Correct.
LYNDA: Goddammit. I knew it.
ELIAS: Therefore—
LYNDA: (Laughs) I’m not laughing.
ELIAS: — you don’t have—
LYNDA: The hope of something coming soon, like you know I do.
ELIAS: Precisely.
LYNDA: And like I—
ELIAS: I know you do.
LYNDA: I do.
ELIAS: And that is what I am acknowledging to you, that that is what generates this being more difficult, because you don’t have that ability.
LYNDA: I don’t have the hope to… Yeah.
ELIAS: Correct.
LYNDA: Or I don’t have it now. I don’t have it now.
ELIAS: Correct.
LYNDA: That’s Michael’s deal. You know, you saying that out loud, that Michael is nowhere near reconfiguring… Because it’s Michael that does it. (Laughs)
ELIAS: Correct.
LYNDA: It was me that did it with Gidget.
ELIAS: Correct.
LYNDA: (Emotionally) But I couldn’t take another minute without Gilda, so… But whatever. Anyway, that’s a different story.
ELIAS: I am understanding. I am understanding. And I know what you are feeling—
LYNDA: Right.
ELIAS: —in relation to this creature.
LYNDA: Right. Exactly. Thank you very much.
ELIAS: And I know that that is a strong want and wish for you.
LYNDA: But I’ll be good. No pushing. Don’t worry. I don’t even look at pictures anymore. I’m good.
ELIAS: That is not the point. Acknowledge what you feel.
LYNDA: Acknowledge that it’s real inside of me that I wish—
ELIAS: And that you miss her.
LYNDA: Terribly.
ELIAS: That you long for her.
LYNDA: (Emotionally) I long for her. “Pollent.”
ELIAS: Yes. THAT is the point.
LYNDA: It’s the point. And it wouldn’t be so bad to bump into her again. And I’ll know. I’ll know anyway. (Laughs) Thank you.
ELIAS: You are welcome.
LYNDA: So, I’m not kooky, and all this deep depression with the triggers and the human… I started to get crazy about the human race. What a broken bunch of people. But we’re just separated. Really, I had this moment of “We’re all fucked. We’re the walking wounded. There’s no hope. We’re the most fucked-up species!” And I went—
ELIAS: I would express to you that (Lynda laughs) I am quite understanding what you are expressing, and the actual encouraging aspect of that is you are correct. You are, in the terms of what is genuine, natural, nurturing, supportive and encouraging, you are a tremendously damaged species.
LYNDA: I know.
ELIAS: You are, and have been for millennia—
LYNDA: That’s SO encouraging. Keep talking.
ELIAS: — but—
LYNDA: But! Thank God!
ELIAS: You still survive.
LYNDA: We do.
ELIAS: And you thrive. And you accomplish. And you excel. It is astounding—
LYNDA: To those of you out there. (Laughs)
ELIAS: — that you do this with—
LYNDA: So little connection to yourselves!
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: Yes.
ELIAS: And so little connection to each other.
LYNDA: Right! Absolutely! Thank you.
ELIAS: But you DO. You excel. You accomplish. You are a tremendously impressive species.
LYNDA: Thank you very much, I think. (Laughs) Well, you know… Okay. So, I am going to have to wrap this up. Thanks for… Thank you for acknowledging my grief.
ELIAS: You are welcome.
LYNDA: And my connection to Mary.
ELIAS: It is strong.
LYNDA: It’s very strong, and she acknowledged it back to me too, and we have had a good moment, and the boogey-man of personalizing went bye-bye.
ELIAS: Excellent.
LYNDA: Thank God. Anyway… Yeah, it surprised me because I’m getting pretty good at that. All right.
So, I (laughs)… I’m going to name my desire Bill. And I sure as shit hope Bill knows what I want, because right now in all this grieving process and trying to figure it out, I’m “No… I’m just going to let desire manifest. It may take a minute, because I’m a little depressed, but anyway.” I’m just playing. I’m just throwing off steam. But don’t you think good? Desire, naming him Bill. “You figure it out, Bill, and let me know how it works. You know, throw me some magic.” That would be great.
ELIAS: Excellent.
LYNDA: Okay. I am going to segue into my personal life here. I—
ELIAS: Because that wasn’t personal.
LYNDA: No, nothing I just said was… (Elias laughs heartily) Yeah. Nothing I just said was very personal or transparent.
But in any event, I got off the eating train and got back into things. And it was really kind of fun to eat and hang with our friend, who in this moment is called Eve, and the chick is no dummy. But anyway, I love her and that was good, but then it got to be a little overwhelming, because, you know, how much fried calamari can I eat? But (Elias laughs)…
And I got a cold because… And it went right into my chest, like of course I believed it would. Anyway, long story short, I got back into the swing of things. And I have decided to very slowly… I joined my local gym. And I’m going to be there at 5:45 every morning. And I met the owner, who I’m pretty sure is either a focus or observing essence of Paul Gill—Chip. Am I right? Counterpart? Something.
ELIAS: Counterpart.
LYNDA: Oh my god! No, you can’t meet him, Paul. He doesn’t know anything about dead people. (Elias laughs) But you know, he’s definitely… So, he’s a sweet man, and I’m going to very slowly work all the muscle groups and then end it with some treadmill, just walking. My body… I haven’t exercised in four months. A week ago I started doing stretches at night, and I feel… My body memory came back. And I actually feel stronger from doing it. So I’m going to do it three days a week. Even though I may look old, I mean I may BE old, but I don’t… (Elias laughs) I meant that the other way around. But anyway, I just want to—
ELIAS: Excellent.
LYNDA: Don’t you think that’s a good idea?
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: It’ll… I want to do it for strength. I’ve given up on losing my “Bubbie’s” (grandmother in Yiddish) jet flaps, but I can strengthen my body and bones and muscles, --
ELIAS: Definitely.
LYNDA: --and balance, so if I do fall down and break a hip it won’t break anything. Whatever. (Elias chuckles)
Appreciate what you told Linda about we’re not moving backwards. It was “Okay, that means the jet flaps are not going anywhere and the smooth tushy skin is never going to be around again.” But I’ll figure it out. That’s really what motivated me to go to the fucking gym: Okay, if I’m going to look like shit, I’m going to be strong. (Elias laughs) Anyway, I appreciated that for our little… And it’s also still perception because sometimes—
ELIAS: Yes, it is.
LYNDA: — when I look in a mirror, it’s not Dorian Gray. I’m just saying.
Thank you for making me smile.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) You are very welcome.
LYNDA: I love you, Elias. I hope to see you… I’m going to see if I can stand two weeks, and if not, I’ll be one week.
ELIAS: Very well.
LYNDA: It might be one week. I didn’t realize… Anyway.
ELIAS: And I am with you.
LYNDA: Always. (Singing) Not for just an hour. “Not for just a day, not for just a year, but always.” You are.
ELIAS: I am.
LYNDA: I know. Thank you.
ELIAS: And I would express to you: grieve.
LYNDA: (Chuckles, then emotionally) Oh, right.
ELIAS: (Gently) Grieve. Acknowledge and grieve.
LYNDA: Okay. Thank you. I think I can do this grieving somewhat easier without personalizing it. It’s not easy.
ELIAS: I would agree.
LYNDA: Yeah. I’m good with random crying. I’m good with that. Okay. All right. Thank you.
ELIAS: I shall be anticipating our next meeting.
LYNDA: I’ll be here.
ELIAS: And I express tremendous lovingness to you—
LYNDA: Thank you.
ELIAS: — dear friend.
LYNDA: Dear friend.
ELIAS: Au revoir.
LYNDA: Au revoir.
(Elias departs after 30 minutes)
Copyright 2017 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.