“Interacting with Adolescents”
“You Have the Power”
Understand that there is a tremendous power in energy presently in opposition to connecting and communication. There is a tremendous divide. And you all are being influenced by it in different capacities, and therefore there are difficulties in communication and connecting with individuals.
But you have the power to change that. And every one of you that does generates more power to neutralize all of that energy that is opposing. You have the power to do that.
Sunday, June 19, 2016 (Group/Webinar)
Participants: Mary (Michael), Axel (Ricarro), Debbie (Tamarra), Harlan, Jean-François (Samta), Jens (Samira), Lexa (Aidan), Lynda (Ruther), Marij (Kammi), Val (Atticus), and Wendy (Myiisha). Moderator: John (Rrussell)
ELIAS: Good day!
GROUP: Good day, Elias!
ELIAS: This day we shall continue our discussion about communication. And I will open to all of you to present examples that you have experienced in relation to incorporating difficulties with communications with other individuals, in different capacities. And this will allow us to examine how you are communicating, what you are reflecting and how you can incorporate a different method, so to speak, of communication that will aid you in connecting and cooperating with other individuals.
We began this discussion with our recent group interaction and are continuing that discussion now, for it continues to be a significant issue and difficulty with many, if not most, individuals in how they are interacting with each other, and this factor of communicating with other individuals can be challenging for many different reasons.
Now; in this, let us begin the discussion with examples of perhaps engaging with another individual in the capacity in which it seems that the other individual is not hearing you or not listening to you, or that you seem to be incorporating two different conversations at the same time and speaking to each other about two different subjects at the same time, or when you are attempting to convey a particular subject to another individual and they seem to be misunderstanding you and that generates frustration, or how can you be interactive with another individual when you feel wronged.
Therefore, beginning with those examples – and I welcome you to offer other examples in addition to that – I will open to all of you to present different examples of your own experiences in which you perceive you are incorporating difficulty with communication or that you are frustrated in how the communication is occurring between yourself and another individual. And in that, we will begin to examine how this can be improved and what you are doing. (Pause)
JENS: Hey, Elias, this is Jens, Samira.
JENS: (Inaudible) Perhaps I’m not getting it, but I am having difficulties in communication, especially with my children. They are the special ages of thirteen and fifteen. They are all the time upset and I try to relax and not react each time, and I try to relate (inaudible) and they respond in an aggressive manner and stomp (inaudible). It’s especially (inaudible). (Laughs)
ELIAS: Very well (laughs), in relation to these special ages (laughs). And I would express that this can apply to other individuals also.
But in this, first of all, the first aspect to evaluate – and what I am expressing to you now, you can evaluate and think about and consider in other time frameworks such as now, not necessarily only when you are engaging with the actual scenario or with the other individual.
For let me express, first of all, that it is difficult for most of you to remember information while you are in the midst of engaging with another individual. Therefore, if you are considering the information aforehand, then you are more prepared when you ARE in a situation, and it may be easier for you to remember certain factors. And I will offer key points and words that you can remember that will be enough.
Let me express to you first, is that when you are engaging any interaction with any other individual, it only requires three to five seconds for you to pause (slowly and deliberately), and in that quick amount of time your body will reset, in a manner of speaking. It does not require considerable thinking or analyzing or time. Within three to five seconds of a pause, your concentration can reset itself and therefore allow you from that point to remember some of the factors that we will be discussing.
Now; in this situation, you are interacting with individuals that are in that time framework of their life of adolescence, and this can be considerably challenging, for, as most of you are aware from interacting with adolescents or from being an adolescent yourself at some point, this is a time framework in which, as individuals, you are moving into and approaching a position in which you will begin to develop constructs and attachments but have not quite done that yet and are not quite in that position yet but are moving in that direction.
Now; in this, I am aware that your sciences attribute most of the contrariness of adolescence to hormonal changes. There is some factor in relation to that. Physiologically, the body consciousness is moving in considerable changes at that time framework in an individual’s life, but there are other factors that are perhaps more influencing and more significant. The individual is in a position in which they are moving away from the instruction and the guidance of their parents and other adult figures in their life. They are attempting to explore and establish their own preferences, what is important to them, what is not important to them. They are experimenting tremendously with these subjects, and that creates considerable confusion.
Now; the reason that it creates considerable confusion is that within this time framework, because of that new development and discovery and exploration of self in a more independent direction, they also are paying much more attention to feelings.
It is not that they are necessarily incorporating a tremendous amount MORE feelings than they have engaged in earlier time frameworks of their life – some, but not tremendously more. But in younger years they are, in a manner of speaking, somewhat resigned to allowing themselves, in certain capacities, to be directed. And therefore, because they are assimilating so much information constantly, as they are growing before adolescence, it is easier for them to allow other individuals, older individuals - not always adults but mainly adults - to, in a manner of speaking, guide them or dictate their directions and their behaviors, and they are more willing to acquiesce to that and allow that. And the reason for that is that it is easier for them to do that in a safe capacity while they are occupied with assimilating tremendous volumes of information about themselves, about their world, about life in general and everything that it constitutes.
Now; when they begin to move into that position and that age group of adolescence, now they are moving in a different capacity. They have assimilated volumes of information, they have mastered a considerable amount of that information, and now they are moving in a direction of establishing themselves and exploring themself in their position and where they fit in this reality and, in a manner of speaking, who they are, what their potentials are, what their abilities are, and how that fits with their world.
Now; in that, because they are paying much more attention to themself, they also are more aware of their feelings - not necessarily more aware of their emotional communications yet, but they are more aware of their feelings. And it seems outwardly that their feelings are a rampant mess; that they are expressing feelings every moment and all of them are extreme. They are not necessarily always extreme, although in many capacities the manner in which they express them may be somewhat extreme. The feelings themselves are not as extreme, but they are very obvious to them, and they are paying considerable attention to them.
Understand: before adolescence, what you do as an individual is you are absorbing volumes and volumes and volumes of information from outside sources. Therefore, your main focus of attention is outward and assimilating all of the information about the reality that you now occupy, which in itself is considerably confusing, which we may address to that at another point.
But, then at this point – and it varies with each individual; there is not a set age that it begins or ends with. But during this time framework that you identify as adolescence, their focus moves from being mainly outside of themselves and gathering information to it being inside themselves. And this is the time framework in which they are assimilating and discovering information about themselves.
Now; there are two very significant factors in that, that both are connected to the same subject, which is that concentration on self. They seem to be considerably contrary and argumentative, and the reason for this is twofold: one, any outside input is annoying, because they are so focused on themselves and self-discovery. Therefore, the ONLY input from outside sources that is received without opposition, let us say, is at times they are open to the reception of validation from other individuals of their same position - generally meaning of their same age. They are more willing to accept that input, but only as validation. This is the reason that they may seem more receptive to individuals of their own age.
Now; there are some exceptions to that, that if they perceive some other individual that is not of their same age, an adult, in a capacity in which they share an interest with that individual – and let me express that when I say interest, that does not necessarily mean about a specific subject matter. They could share an interest in the manner in which another individual expresses themself. They may like it, and therefore their interest is that they want to express in a similar manner themselves. But it is all based in what connects with them themself. They incorporate little interest in what is outside of themself or anything that does not actually affect them, or any subject that they perceive does not directly affect them. And that is also very individualized, for some individuals in this position of adolescence may be very concentrated upon world events or what is occurring in their community. But once again, it is a matter of how they perceive it affects themself or how they themselves connect to it whether they agree or disagree.
Now; as to how do you interact and communicate with an individual that seems to be entirely self-absorbed: that is precisely the key. And that is why I have elaborated on what position these individuals occupy, for knowing that gives you information in how to engage them.
In this, the first piece in engaging an adolescent is, as an adult, asking yourself what is important in what you want to communicate and why. For in that, if your reason is that it is for their benefit or for their own good, then I would suggest that you relinquish that importance, for they are not receptive to what is for their own good or what is to their greatest benefit as being presented by OTHER individuals. They are attempting to assess that themselves. Therefore, they don’t want your input about what is good for them or what is to their benefit.
Now; I am also understanding that you occupy the role of a parent and that in your perception it is your job to guide them and to protect them and to care for them. But you can do that in other capacities than dictating to them.
Now; even in not dictating to them it can be considerably frustrating to attempt to communicate with an individual when they are expressing in considerably emotional capacities and they are not willing to listen and they are continuing to express in a contrary or oppositional capacity. When you know before you even engage that this child is not receptive to what you are offering and that they don’t want your input, then you can approach them from a different perspective.
In this, the first and most important piece, as I have expressed previously, is to listen and to convey your availability. Not push, but merely to express in action - and at times in words - that you are available.
Now; what does availability mean? It does not necessarily mean available to give input. It means that you are precisely that: you are available. That, as their parent, that what is important to them is important to you, and (inaudible) present, meaning (inaudible).
That does not mean you have (inaudible) exceptional (inaudible), you are (inaudible), you are (inaudible).That does not mean conveying your perception of them to them.
It means, “I see you. I hear you. You are valuable. You are important, and I am paying attention and noticing.” Key: “I am paying attention. I am not telling you how wonderful and how talented you are. I am paying attention to what you are expressing.” (Inaudible)
ELIAS: (Inaudible) questions.
MODERATOR: Elias? We appear to be having audio difficulties, and we heard everything that you were saying up to the point where it was ‘be available,’ and then the audio went bad.
ELIAS: Shall I engage Michael?
MODERATOR: Well, the audio seems to have improved now. Maybe let’s pause for one second and do that. Yes.
LYNDA: It’s not us. (Pause) Do you have (inaudible)?
MODERATOR: Yeah, I cannot hear you well, Lynda.
ELIAS: Shall I engage Michael?
MODERATOR: Oh yes. Yes, please. I thought you did.
ELIAS: Very well. (Pause)
LYNDA: The recording is fucked up.
LYNDA: The audio is screwed up.
MARY: What’s wrong with it?
LYNDA: I don’t know. I think it’s at their end.
MARY: Unmuted... Hello? What’s the matter?
MODERATOR: Yeah, we can hear you now, but for a period there the audio was very choppy. We couldn’t hear a thing Elias was saying. We paused.
MARY: But you can hear now?
MODERATOR: But now we can. There’s no adjustment at your end that you made? There’s no other app running on your computer or anything like that?
LYNDA: We can’t hear YOU.
MARY: What? What did you say?
MODERATOR: There’s no other applications running on your computer?
MARY: No. No. I closed everything out, right before we started.
MODERATOR: Okay. All right. Let’s try again then, I suppose.
MARY: Okay. All righty.
MARY: (Laughs and coughs) Wait a minute. (Pause)
ELIAS: Continuing. Now; in this, I acknowledge to any and all of you that engage this type of scenario in which you are attempting to communicate with adolescent individuals, it can be challenging, for the challenging aspect is more in remembering what to do yourself, and in that, not being reactive and not jumping to be responsive. Meaning, in many scenarios with these individuals they may be expressing in an emotional capacity, and they may be asking for your input, and they may be asking you to interact with them. And in that, it does not change your position.
What is important to remember is being consistent and maintaining your position and centeredness. Meaning, your position is witnessing them. And in that, it is not necessarily answering in giving answers, but rather expressing in a capacity that conveys that you are paying attention, that whatever is being expressed and however it is being expressed is important enough that you are paying attention and that your attention is not divided.
The reason this is so important is that these individuals, in that capacity of self-discovery and all of their emotional communications to themselves, are frequently confused by their own exploration. And in many, many, many time frameworks, they themselves do not fully understand what they are exploring and what they are presenting to themselves.
And the other very important factor is that they are moving closer – they are not yet in the position, but they are moving closer – to defining right and wrong. And that is tremendously confusing, which creates a scenario in which they are continuously questioning themselves in the capacity of what is right and what is wrong. They do not incorporate a clear grasp yet on that concept or that expression of right and wrong, for they have not developed attachments and constructs yet.
But they are moving closer to it, and therefore they are attempting to define that and discern that within themselves, and they question everything they do. Every action, every thought, every feeling is subject to question in relation to whether it is right or wrong, and all of the implications of right and wrong, which includes normal and not normal, therefore fitting and not fitting.
They are in the midst of a journey of that aspect of self-discovery: what is their position in this physical reality. And that is considerably confusing.
Therefore, let us use a hypothetical example. Your daughter is being considerably emotional and is stomping around your house, and is being considerably contrary and opposing, and perhaps is arguing with her sister, and perhaps is arguing or snapping at her mother, and stomps into her room and slams the door and is obviously distressed. And you enter the scenario, and you are attempting to approach gingerly to not exacerbate the situation, and you are compassionately inquiring, “What is the matter?” And she turns and yells at you, and expresses that you wouldn’t understand, and that that you are not being helpful, and that it is her sister’s fault. And she is not actually expressing to you what the difficulty is, but she is expressing all of these other factors that are annoying her and irritating her, and she is frustrated.
And in that, you attempt to discover what the main element of the subject is that began this turmoil. And let us hypothetically say that what began the turmoil is that she was attempting to decide what clothes to wear. And she chose certain clothes, and her sister expressed that they were stupid and that she appears to look like a clown. And she was upset, and she is now firing opposition at her sister, and her mother became involved because they were fighting with each other, and no one understands.
Now; in that situation, as the adult, when you discover that all of this turmoil and drama is being created because she was incorporating difficulty deciding what to wear, you might within yourself express a tendency to minimize the situation.
Now; outwardly, you are attempting to not express that, and you are attempting to be compassionate with her and perhaps also explaining not to pay attention to her sister and that what is being expressed is not true, and she is not a clown and she is beautiful, and so on.
Now; all of that is lost, for she has already involved herself in this entire scenario, and she has already moved into a position in which it began with her questioning herself, her appearance, and it is ending with her questioning even more. Now she is questioning herself as an individual and whether her judgment is adequate or not, or that she feels a certain feeling but is not allowed to express it if it involves her sister, and therefore she is questioning that. Now there are questions, questions, questions, and she is uninterested in anything that you are expressing in a positively reinforcing manner. And if you express in a negative capacity, it merely exacerbates everything that she is ALREADY questioning. Therefore, in your human terms, you are left in the position of you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don’t.
But you are not actually damned, for there is another direction. The other direction is to merely acknowledge her - not to fix it, not to express her talents, her abilities, her potentials, her beauty, her sweetness, none of it. Not to express about her sister or her interaction with her sister, or her mother or any other individual, but to convey to her that SHE is what you see in that moment and nothing else, and that she is ultimately important and that you are giving her your attention with no expectations or designs.
You are giving her your attention. She does not have to earn it. She does not have to express in a particular manner to keep it, that she has it, that she is important enough that you will pay attention without a judgment. She already has more judgments than she understands what to do with. Any other judgment, even if it is positive, is merely heaping onto the pile and adds more questions, or influences them to retreat, for they feel unheard, unacknowledged, and therefore they are in that pile of questions evaluating that without discerning each piece of this enormous puzzle, the entire puzzle is wrong, therefore they are wrong, and the easiest avenue to engage is to resign themselves to being wrong and retreating, in which you will either receive an apology - which is not actually an apology; it is a retreat – or an expression of false acknowledgement: “I know I should not be arguing or fighting with my sister. I’m sorry.” That is not an apology, either. It is also not an acknowledgment; it is a retreat. Or you will receive an obvious retreat, in which the anger continues and there is what you observe as a shutout. They are shutting out all the outside sources. You can say and do whatever you choose, and they are oblivious, they have stopped listening. That is also retreat. For they are so confused with all of these feelings and all of these communications, and attempting to discern what this subject of right and wrong means and how it applies to them and how do they use it, that all else is lost.
Therefore, very simply, how do you interact with an adolescent in that type of scenario in which it seems to be nothing but opposition? You don’t. You BE. You pay attention, you witness, you allow, and you don’t judge in either direction, good or bad; you don’t judge. That is how you interact.
And when I express you don’t judge, I am expressing that in relation to yourself also, not only in relation to them. You don’t judge yourself either in what you should or shouldn’t be doing, or what you should or shouldn’t be saying. You allow it to be what it is. The fight comes from not allowing whatever is to be whatever it is, that it should be something else.
If it is allowed to be what it is, then there is no fight.
JENS: Thank you very much, Elias.
ELIAS: You are very welcome. And not incorporating that problem, so to speak, with Neo. (Laughs) Not yet.
JENS: No. (Inaudible) problem, but a little bit, I guess. (Both laugh) Okay. Thank you very much.
ELIAS: You are very welcome, my dear friend. (Pause)
MARIJ: Hi Elias. This is Marij, Kammi. [Transcribers’ note: The audio for Marij’s question was pretty much indecipherable, and we asked Marij to help us with it. She listened to the audio and graciously supplied the following as the best she can remember that she said. Thanks so much, Marij!-NG] I didn’t really think of a question before, but it will come out when I speak. I have a girlfriend that I have known for ten years, and there was always a lot of sharing and talking together about growing awareness and whatnot. My partner and I would even stay in her house to take care of her cats, and we had many discussions about things. She had many issues with her friends, male friends. She would call me, we would talk or she would come by and cry, and this went on for ten years. She would ask me, like, “Marij, what do you feel about this, is that what you feel?” In this I tried not to be discounting or anything else but listening. But in the end, a year ago she told me I was putting myself “above her.” And I couldn’t understand that, and that is why I was surprised.
So, what could I have done differently in the conversations that she could have felt that I appreciate her as a person and was merely listening and giving back what I felt rather than being judgmental or discounting(inaudible)?
ELIAS: Now; let me express to you, this is also an excellent example of a very different type of scenario. Most of you engage relationships, and regardless of what type of relationship it is – it matters not, whether it is a friendship, whether it is a parent and child, whether it is a friendship, a partnership – when you develop relationships, what most of you do is you develop a foundation with that relationship. You establish your commonalities that draws you together and you form a construction, a form of the relationship in which it almost is its own entity.
And I have recently expressed in relation to this subject with some other individuals; but in this, what occurs is you may or may not incorporate a factor of intimacy in that relationship, but the main aspect of this is that what occurs is you place that relationship, metaphorically, in a cage, and expect it to remain the same. You change, the other individual changes, you grow, you evolve, you move in different directions, they move in different directions, they grow. Regardless of whether you SEE how another individual is growing, they are. They may merely be doing it in a very different capacity than yourself.
Now; in that, all the while the relationship remains in that cage locked, that it must be maintained the same. It is not allowed to change. And what happens in that is that as you change, but the relationship is locked in that cage and not allowed to change, expectations begin to build about what the relationship SHOULD be and how it SHOULD be expressed, and how YOU should express it and how the other individual should express it.
And in that, generally speaking, one of several directions is almost inevitable to occur. Either both individuals change in a capacity in which they both begin to notice differences more and more and more, and they focus on those differences rather than the similarities, and they move in different directions. Or one individual notices differences and may focus their attention on the other individual and generate expectations of what the other individual should be doing or not doing, and what they should know and not know. Or one of the individuals is noticing differences and turns the expectation on themself, that they should be more understanding or more accepting, or they should be expressing differently, or they should be more accommodating, or they should be more compromising. But it is difficult and they fight with themselves, for they are expressing what is important to themself but they are continuing to concentrate on the relationship in the cage that is not changing, for it is not allowed to change and evolve; and the individual is attempting to maintain it in that unchanged state and therefore turns the expectations on themself and blames themself for not maintaining the relationship adequately or not knowing how.
In this, you move to points in any of these scenarios in which it is very likely that the individuals will eventually part ways, so to speak, and they will move in their individual respective directions and usually will dissolve the relationship. And it can be considerably confusing and painful for one or both of the individuals, for generally they are left with many questions and continued expectations.
In this, if you are the individual that expresses the expectations of yourself, then you express this type of question: “What could I have done different that would have salvaged the relationship?”
If you are the individual that is focused upon the other individual and generating expectations of them, you will be expressing: “They should have done this and this, and then we could have continued with the relationship.”
If you are BOTH in directions of paying attention to each other and expressing the expectations of each other, you will part ways and blame each other and not necessarily question much.
Or, you might BOTH be generating the expectations of yourselves, in which scenario you would likely continue to drag through, carrying this caged relationship for considerable time frameworks and being miserable, for you are continuously attempting to do different, or accommodate, or discover what was the RIGHT thing to do and the RIGHT thing to say at different times.
It is not about the right thing to do or the right thing to say. It is about allowing relationships to evolve as you evolve, and recognizing that different individuals evolve at different rates and do not always evolve together. And therefore, that does not mean that the relationship was a failure. It merely means that MOST relationships that you incorporate in your life are temporary. They are not relationships that you engage throughout the entirety of your lifetime, for each relationship presents something for you to gain, to benefit from, to learn. Not all of them are permanent. Most of them are not. Eventually you do evolve in different capacities, and in some situations you outgrow each other. Or you merely move in different directions of interest; what is important to you changes.
Importances are always changing, and when importances change but the relationship is locked in that cage and not allowed to change, then there is the expectation that the importances should not change either. And they do.
In this, it is not a matter of what should you have done or what could you have done differently that would have allowed you to maintain that relationship. It is more a matter of not mourning the relationship or the loss of the relationship but rather celebrating the aspect of the relationship that you maintained when you did, and acknowledging that to yourself.
Now; in relation to the subject of how can you prevent that from occurring in association to future relationships or present relationships, that is a matter of giving yourself the key, which is the awareness that you and every other individual in your world are always changing, and using that key to unlock that cage and allow the relationship to change also. Allow it to move in whatever direction it is naturally evolving to.
And it may evolve into an entirely different type of relationship than how it was initially [begun]. It may have begun as a friendship, and it may evolve into a partnership. Or it may have begun as a partnership, and it may evolve into a friendship or a different type of partnership.
It is not devolving, or less than, when it changes. It is merely different. If it began as a partnership and moves in the direction of not being a partnership and being a friendship, it has not devolved. It has changed. It has evolved with you in the direction that serves you the most efficiently and that is the most beneficial to you, to you both.
In this, relationships are not graded as higher or lower, better or worse. Partnership is not more important than a friendship. A partnership is not more intimate than a friendship. A parent and child relationship is not less important than a partnership. A grandparent and a grandchild is not less important than a partnership. Every relationship has its own merits and its own importance.
Friendships, in genuine expressions of friendships that include intimacy - and I am not speaking of intimacy in relation to sexual activity; that is only one very small expression of intimacy - but friendships that include the factor of intimacy are tremendously valuable, which is also the reason that it can be considerably affecting when they dissolve. It can in some capacities be more affecting than a partnership.
What I would express to you is how you maintain a relationship and communication and interaction in a relationship with another individual is by being present, by being aware of yourself and the other individual, valuing yourself and the other individual in equal capacity. Not valuing yourself more than the other individual, and not valuing the other individual more than yourself, but recognizing that you hold equal value and importance and allowing the relationship to develop and to evolve and to change in whatever direction it naturally does. Not to cage it and not to expect it to continuously be the same, or generating the same guidelines with it, for guidelines in association with relationships change also as you change. Therefore, adhering to the same guidelines in a relationship is also caging it.
In this, the more present you are, the more you will be expressing what is genuinely important and the less reactive you will be, therefore the more open you will be to sharing in the relationship.
And another important factor in this subject is being aware of defining the relationship in the capacity of which it is being expressed. Not every relationship is intimate. That does not mean it is not important. That does not mean it is not valuable.
Some relationships are intimate. Some are not. But they all incorporate value, and they all have a purpose. And that is also an important factor to be aware of, for when you are not aware of that, you automatically move in the direction of generating, once again, expectations: expectations of the relationship itself and of the other individual, and what it should be and what they should do, and what they should give and how they should express themselves, and what that relationship should constitute in appearance; all of those shoulds. And all of those shoulds create considerable weeds in your garden of your relationships. And those weeds choke all the blooms in that garden, and you are left with the remnants of the weeds, which is regret.
Therefore, to avoid all of that, it is a matter of recognizing what you are doing.
Now; in relation to our subject of communication, that would be the factor of recognizing what we were discussing in our group interaction: evaluating the complement between yourself and another individual, generating commonality to establish a foundation, and sharing importances in association with each other - that your importances may not be identical, but they will be successful if they match.
Matching does not always mean that they are the same. It means they fit together. Puzzle pieces are not always the same shape, but they fit together. That is what matching means, that you fit together in what is important to you, each. Even if your importances are different, they match.
In that, you will incorporate a much greater ease in communication with each other, for you have a foundation of commonality.
Now; if you don’t have many commonalities but you have enough matchings in importances, you can establish and develop a successful relationship, and communication is a key with that. Communication is a key to every relationship.
But in that, communication may be more challenging if you are individuals that do not share tremendous commonalities. Let us say that you incorporate significant differences, but you have enough importances that are matching that will hold you in a relationship and that you can build a foundation on. And it does occur, frequently, in which individuals may express very differently. Now that may be more challenging in communication, and once again it requires listening, not assuming, asking questions if you are not clear in your communications, and always being aware of honoring yourself and also honoring the other individual.
This is a key point, my friends, and this is likely one of the most difficult points to implement. How do you honor yourself and honor another individual if they are irritating you? Or more so, if they hurt your feelings?
If you feel discounted or if you feel unseen or unheard, how do you honor yourself and express yourself but also honor the other individual? That is key.
When another individual expresses in a manner that you perceive to discount you or to hurt you, the first piece is not to automatically assume and personalize, but to seek out more information - clarify.
Now if you seek out more information and clarify, and it continues to appear to you that the other individual is being inconsiderate or not considering your position or your feelings, or is being hurtful, the next piece is to consider what is the other individual’s motivation.
Now; this brings us to a very important piece. And I am aware that we are approaching the end of our time, but this is an important piece to be communicated.
Now; in that, in these situations, what I would express to you is yes, you are always reflecting to yourselves. And I would express to you in this moment I can sense all of the questions of “Pay attention or ask myself what is motivating the other individual? What am I reflecting to myself?” That is the automatic question that you will present to yourself: “What am I reflecting?” But you consistently display that you do not actually understand what these reflections are. You are defining them as mirrors, and they are NOT.
In many, many, many situations, a reflection is presented to you – I would express, almost all of them within your day, in every day. everything that you present to yourself is a reflection. And in almost all of them, what that reflection is expressing is the element of choice. Not that you are doing the identical expression that you are reflecting to yourself - you are giving yourself choice. That is what reflection does. It gives you choices.
I express the formula in expressing your reality is you project energy, you reflect energy, and then you do what? You either react to the reflection, or you choose. Reflection is the presentment of choice.
Therefore, it is in many, many, many situations, if not most, the presentment to you of “What are my choices in this situation? What are my choices to respond, or whether I WANT to respond? What are my choices in relation to what to do or not do?” That is what reflecting is. It is the presentment of choice. Simple. Not a mirror.
Now; in that, when you are interacting with other individuals and you are reflecting in some manner that is uncomfortable or frustrating or irritating or hurtful or confusing, it is your presentment of choice. What are your choices in relation to what is being expressed?
In that, if you are allowing yourself to consider what is the motivation of the other source that is presenting that reflection to you, it gives you more information about your choices and therefore about how you can communicate.
In some situations, you may be attempting to communicate with another individual and they may appear to not hear what you are expressing at all. And they continue to express in the manner that they are, and it seems to you that you are worlds apart, and that you are not connecting, and you are not even engaging the same subject. Or if you ARE engaging the same subject, you are each approaching it from entirely different angles and it seems that there is no possibility of connecting.
And what generally most of you will do is either be opposing, or once again you will retreat and give up. Neither of which is a very satisfying response or solution, and either of which encourages you to continue to pay attention to what you don’t want and what you don’t like and the negative.
In this, if you can assess even a small aspect of what may be motivating the other individual in what they are expressing – not to you, not personalizing, not about you – but from their perspective, what is the subject that they are expressing? And what is motivating them in that subject? Are they attempting to convince you? Are they defending themselves? Are they attempting to appear more knowledgeable? Are they asserting themselves? Are they being aggressive?
In this, it is not a matter of analyzing the other individual. All that is required is that you access ONE small aspect of what the other individual is expressing and one small aspect of what their motivation for that is, removing yourself from the scenario, for that is not ABOUT you; it is a presentment of choice.
Therefore, your choice is if you WANT to be connecting, if you are motivated to be connecting, if you WANT to be communicating with the other individual and it is important enough to you, then you can remember to honor yourself and honor them. And how do you honor the other individual? By acknowledging what their motivation is for what they are expressing. Or, simply acknowledging what they are expressing. Whether you agree with it or not, in acknowledgement of what they are expressing, what you are doing is you are stopping the conflict because you are communicating that you heard them.
And once they have been heard, they are much more likely to listen and to hear you also. But this is also a matter of evaluating what the importance is to you. Are you attempting to prove or convince or appear more knowledgeable, and that is the reason that you are expressing in a particular manner to the other individual, and therefore they are reacting in defense and therefore expressing in some manner to override you?
Or, is this a situation in which what you are doing may not necessarily match what your intention is? That you may genuinely be intending to connect, but what you are doing is not completely matching that?
Or, is it simply a situation in which you are presenting to yourself a different expression as a reflection to give you that opportunity to evaluate what your choices are and how you choose to respond or IF you choose to respond?
But whenever you are communicating with other individuals and there is a discrepancy or there is a disconnect or there is difficulty or opposition, and you want that to change or you want that to not continue, the most important factor to remember is to honor yourself and to honor the other individual. When you honor the other individual, whether you agree with them or not – and you may very much, vehemently, disagree with them, it is irrelevant – when you honor them, the opposition is broken. That energy is cut. (Pause)
When you are next asking yourselves in frustration and confusion, “What am I reflecting to myself?” answer yourself with this: a presentment of choice.
And I shall leave you with that expression which always acknowledges you, for you always have choice.
I express tremendous appreciation to each of you, and great acknowledgement to each of you also.
Understand that there is a tremendous power in energy presently in opposition to connecting and communication. There is a tremendous divide, and you all are being influenced by it in different capacities, and therefore there are difficulties in communication and connecting with individuals.
But you have the power to change that, and every one of you that does generates more power to neutralize all of that energy that is opposing. You have the power to do that.
To all of you in tremendous lovingness, as always, and in exceptional encouragement of all of your wonderment, au revoir.
GROUP: Au revoir. Thanks Elias.
(Elias departs after 1 hour 41 minutes)
Copyright 2016 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.