Right Back on That Hamster Wheel
“Right Back on That Hamster Wheel”
“How Am I Supposed to Trust Myself?”
Thursday, April 22, 2004 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Gina (Lajos)
(Elias’ arrival time is 17 seconds.)
ELIAS: Good morning!
GINA: Good morning! How are you?
ELIAS: As always, and yourself?
GINA: Not bad, not bad. Cannot complain at all! (Both laugh) So, what is going on with my bleeding?
ELIAS: And your impression?
GINA: Well, the first thing that came to me was that there is something in conflict with my desire and my wants maybe, and it came out in stress and manifested in my bleeding.
ELIAS: And what is your assessment of this conflict between desires and want?
GINA: I think they might be in conflict. I just started reading some information on it, so I’m not really totally informed on everything. In other words, I don’t really understand the full concept of it.
My intent and my value fulfillment are, of course, in alignment, or else I wouldn’t be here. But what is my value fulfillment?
ELIAS: Your value fulfillment would be expressed in any of your experiences, regardless of what they are. Value is not always expressed in what you term to be comfort or what you assess as positive.
GINA: Like I said, I’m just trying to understand this. My wants and desires are in conflict of the value fulfillment in desiring conflict. I don’t know if I said that the right way, but I actually think that that’s what might be going on. That’s why I want to get validation from you.
ELIAS: And what do you view as your desire and what do you view as your want?
GINA: Want is not something that stays with you, because your wants are always going to change, right? It’s like your desires, right?
GINA: My want right now in this timeframe is just stability of some sort. My desire is to create money so that my wants will be fulfilled! (Laughs) I think that’s what I’m trying to say.
ELIAS: Ah. Now; your want is also to create money. Your desire is that which directs your movement. Your desire is that which is expressed in your intent in whatever direction you incorporate to be exploring your intent. What you are expressing an identification of is not necessarily desire but two wants.
GINA: It’s not so much the money. I’d like to have money because I want to be able to start sending money to my kids. For some reason, something’s in conflict because I’m not generating the money that I know that I’m capable of generating. I don’t know what is blocking me.
ELIAS: That is not necessarily a conflict between desire and want. That is more of an expression of trust — not trusting your ability to generate what you want, continuing to view certain elements of your reality in a manner in which you do not incorporate a belief that you create all of your reality, and therefore, some elements of your reality are dependent upon outside expressions or sources.
In that, you are not focusing your attention upon yourself and your abilities to generate what you want in trusting yourself. You are projecting your attention outwardly and attempting to seek out some avenue that shall provide you with what you want rather than trusting yourself to generate it and to create it yourself.
GINA: Let me bring this up, then. After we had our last session, I went back to work over there and I thought I was doing wonderful! I was generating money, and then all of a sudden this bleeding thing really kicked in super bad. It was right after Rick and I broke up, back in December. I don’t know if it’s because of stress or what.
I’m going to go back to the bleeding thing again, because it really has affected my work a lot. Of course, you know the type of business I’m in; it wasn’t actually easy to go ahead and do it. I don’t know if it was because it’s a trigger. It was like a domino effect, the bleeding. It affected my work; I wasn’t making money; I was getting tired; I was getting dizzy, wanting to pass out. That’s why I don’t understand the symbolic meaning of this bleeding that has been going on. Is it like a disease that I have? I won’t get my test results back until next week. I don’t know if it’s something that I have created, like a disease in my body, or if it’s just something going on with my hormones, or what the problem is.
ELIAS: Now; first of all, offer an assessment of what you view as what you may term to be a sequence of events that you have created within this time period subsequent to your dissolving of your relationship with this other individual.
GINA: You’re asking me for an assessment of why?
ELIAS: Events that you have created in this time framework.
GINA: Which is familiar, because the same situation happened in one thing I did recognize, so I’m happy that I was able to recognize that. But the same thing happened to me when my first husband and I broke up — I started bleeding real bad — so I’m relating it to that. At that point in time, I was putting myself through a lot of stress. If you look at it that way, you can’t blame it on the other person, because you’re participating. I was basically stressing myself out and that’s when I was bleeding real bad back then, and then it subsided and it stopped. Now it’s the same thing, the same familiar pattern again, and that’s what I can’t understand.
ELIAS: This is what is significant, and this is the reason that I am asking these questions to you, that you may be actively participating in evaluating what you are actually doing. As I have expressed many times, this is one of your most significant actions to be paying attention to and that offers you the most information concerning what you are creating. That is, to be paying attention to what you are actually doing.
Now; I am acknowledging of you that you are recognizing that you have created a pattern. But what motivates that pattern?
GINA: That’s what I cannot figure out! You said like energy attracts like energy, so why would I create something like that that would be affecting of something that happened already? It’s like being right back on that hamster wheel; it’s the same situation all over again.
ELIAS: I am understanding. The point in this is to be evaluating the information that you are offering to yourself in paying attention to what you are actually doing and allowing yourself to recognize what are the underlying expressions and what are the expressed beliefs that are influencing you.
Now; in this, in association with relationships in a romantic capacity, you have generated similar patterns for an extended time framework. You are merely emphasizing those patterns more recently in more objective imagery, which is being generated in physical manifestations.
In this, what is occurring is the expressed belief that you incorporate that you do not generate an adequate expression and energy to be creating a successful relationship in romantic capacity with another individual. It is an obvious discounting of yourself and not trusting yourself. In that not trusting, what you do is you project your attention to the other individual in the expectation that the other individual shall provide you with what you want, rather than allowing yourself to pay attention to yourself and allowing yourself to express yourself freely and create what you want through that action of allowing your own freedom — not what you may receive from the other individual, but what YOU want to express.
This is what generates the confusion and begins what you have identified as this domino effect, so to speak. For as you continue in the attempt to be generating the relationship but you are engaging that action by projecting your attention to the other individual and crediting or de-crediting the other individual with whether the relationship is successful or not, or crediting the other individual with your own expressions in time frameworks in which you do allow yourself somewhat of a freedom to be expressing yourself, you do not credit yourself with that action. You credit the other individual with bringing this out in you or allowing you to express yourself in the manner in which you want. Therefore, you continue to perpetuate this discounting of yourself.
Once the relationship is deemed to be a failure, you discount yourself more intensely, and in addition to the discounting of yourself that you have once again failed and that you have not allowed yourself to create what you want, you incorporate an energy to be punishing yourself through physical manifestations.
Now; this is significant, my friend, for this is a very similar direction that you create in association with other expressions such as employment and generating money, for you are creating a very similar type of energy that you are expressing outwardly.
GINA: What type of energy would you consider it? I know you can’t really put a name on it, because energy is energy. But what type of energy do I give off? Sometimes it’s really weird. I know you say that you attract people because you attract like energy, right?
ELIAS: For the most part.
GINA: So what is it about my energy? Do I have an irritating energy about me or what? What is it?
ELIAS: It is this point that you continue to distrust yourself and discount yourself, and you...
GINA: But Elias, I did so much better! Like I said, when I came back to work I was totally gung-ho, and then... I know, of course, that I participated in it, but I couldn’t understand a lot of the things that were going on. I’m not the same person that I was four years ago.
ELIAS: I am understanding. You have offered yourself much information, you have generated a widening of your awareness, and you have offered yourself much more of an understanding of yourself. But this particular element is so very familiar and automatic that you do not actually even recognize it.
GINA: That must be it.
I was reading David’s book that just came out, and there is a comment that you made in it that we only use ten percent of our brain. That’s how vast our awareness could open up to. In this point in time with the Shift that has been going on and everything, mass-wise how would you compare the mass as far as your comparison of us using only ten percent of our brain? Have we opened up our awareness twelve percent, fifteen percent?
ELIAS: It is dependent upon the individual, but generally speaking I may express that the capacity in which individuals are allowing in association with brain capacity would be approximately between fifteen and twenty percent.
GINA: So we have a long way to go yet, then, huh?
ELIAS: Understand, though, your brain is not what directs you.
GINA: I do remember you saying that in there. I know it’s because it’s not our brain that makes us think, it’s our consciousness, right?
GINA: Candace and I were having lunch yesterday, and we were really interested to ask — generally speaking, like you said — how much we have advanced our awareness and opened our awareness.
ELIAS: Your awareness is not your brain capacity. What the increase in the use of brain capacity incorporates is an expanded expression of body consciousness and its physical mechanics, and what you allow your physical expression to do and to incorporate. It allows you to expand your direction of your physical body consciousness. Your subjective awareness directs the body consciousness and the body functioning, so to speak, and in that, it generates many of its directions through the physical brain, which incorporates signals to different elements of your physical body.
As you widen your awareness, what you do is you generate more instruction from the subjective awareness to the body consciousness to allow it to generate more of its abilities, which, in a manner of speaking, moves in a type of circle. For as you allow yourself more expressions and more capacity to be generating or experiencing your abilities physically with your physical body consciousness, that also enhances your ability to be incorporating expanded experiences, such as projections or materializations or generating more efficient manipulations of energy, and generating a greater understanding of how you create those manipulations of energy, for your capacity is greater in your abilities physically.
GINA: Now I’m going to ask one question also with the same subject. You knew when I first started talking with you at what point I was in in my awareness. What point am I at right now? Since I am trying to widen my awareness and trying to learn more about this and experience more experiences so I can learn more, have I gotten better with my awareness? It feels like sometimes my head’s not attached!
ELIAS: (Laughs) I may express to you that you have widened your awareness individually significantly from what awareness you incorporated previously as we began our discussions.
GINA: Wonderful. Now, I was an F-sharp before, as Bahlah. I don’t know if the tone changed now that I’m Lajos, or is it still the same? Is it F-sharp still or has it changed?
ELIAS: Slightly, to what you would identify in musical note as F, rather than F-sharp.
GINA: I’ve been wanting to ask you for a long time, and it finally came to me yesterday. When I was with Rick about a year ago, he said that I was talking in a foreign tongue again. He said it came out like “touluc molong something.” I am just curious, what language was that? It sounds like it could be maybe possibly Egyptian, Hebrew, Arabic, Aramaic... I don’t know.
ELIAS: This would be a dialect of an ancient Egyptian language.
GINA: Would it be possible for you to tell me what exactly was being said?
ELIAS: I may express to you that this may be an interesting exercise for yourself to be investigating, for this may allow you to practice with your impressions and genuinely listening to those impressions. As you allow yourself to relax and defocus your attention somewhat and allow your impressions to flow freely and do not discount what you offer to yourself, you may be discovering what you have expressed quite easily.
GINA: The only thing is that the words that I wrote down I can’t remember. It’s in another address book of mine that I wrote it down in.
ELIAS: It matters not.
GINA: That’s what I figured. It’ll come to me, right, if I am investigating?
GINA: That’s one thing that I’ve been getting a lot better at. I can be how you would say if you’re doing your dishes or whatever and you have thoughts going through your head and this and that. I’ve been getting a lot better with that. It’s like the unofficial information thing going on.
ELIAS: I am acknowledging of you.
GINA: Yeah, it’s so cool. It kind of freaks me out sometimes, like whoa, hey! (Elias laughs) But it’s cool.
Now this might be long, but if it is, that’s fine because I’m sure a lot of people that are in the forum would be really interested. Could you shed a little bit more light on the political? Not many people have asked you about the political thing. Could you explain a little bit more, shed a little bit more light on that?
ELIAS: In actuality, I have offered explanations recently. I may express to you that individuals that incorporate a political focus are more closely associated with a thought-focused individual, but they also do incorporate an element that may be somewhat likened to the emotional focus.
In this, individuals that are politically focused, although they process information similarly to a thought-focused individual, they also process information intuitively quite frequently. Therefore, they are engaging two actions simultaneously, which allows them to be assessing, in a manner of speaking, energy in a natural manner and not incorporating what thought-focused individuals would incorporate in practice.
Thought individuals may be assessing energy and may be incorporating processing information in conjunction with their intuition, but they do not automatically incorporate that action. Therefore, they would be generating an intentional action incorporating that and becoming familiar with that action through practice, but it would not necessarily be a natural flow of energy that they automatically incorporate. Whereas, a politically focused individual does automatically incorporate this other manner in which they process information.
GINA: You just said you had a session not too long ago where you talked a little bit more?
ELIAS: I have incorporated discussions with several individuals concerning this topic recently.
GINA: This is about my dreams. I have been having some really real dreams, like I wake up and sometimes, like I was telling Candace, it’s like my god! Sometimes it feels like my dreams are my reality and my reality is my dream. (Elias chuckles) I’ve been having a lot of that lately.
ELIAS: I am understanding. This is another evidence of widening your awareness, in which what you are doing is you are allowing much more of your objective awareness to translate the subjective actions that are occurring within sleep state. Therefore, in that incorporation of the objective awareness and not disconnecting that objective awareness, so to speak, you begin to blur the imagery of dreams and that of waking state, and therefore you begin to generate more of a lack of separation between...
GINA: There is a place that I visit many times in my dreams. It’s always with water, and it seems like a cavern-y place, almost like somewhere — who knows — in Europe or something like that. Sometimes I’m in the water; I remember going in the water one time. But it seems like it’s the same place all the time. It’s the same place! It’s surrounded by cavern-y, mountainous regions. It’s just interesting, and I’m wondering why in my dream state that I keep on going back to this place. What kind of significance does it have?
ELIAS: This is another focus.
GINA: Of course, it’s simultaneous, but is it one of my future focuses, or a focus that’s now, in this now, or one of my focuses from another time but not really another time?
ELIAS: Not within this present time framework.
GINA: We’re going to go back to that now, because you said I have 742 now. My question to you, what I was a little confused on, was when I had 369 focuses, I still have those focuses, those focuses are still with me, I just have a little bit more? How do I put this? With the focuses shared with friends and family members that have been asked of you in the past — like my brother, I think we have 12 focuses shared; with Belal, it was like 16; with my mom, it was like 12 — has that changed because I have more focuses now, or have those numbers stayed the same?
ELIAS: They do fluctuate, but those fluctuations, as I have expressed to other individuals, occur regardless of whether you have generated a fragmentation or not.
Now; in association with the experiences that you have incorporated in association with focuses in conjunction with the fragmenting essence, you continue to incorporate those experiences but the focuses may not necessarily be incorporated the same.
GINA: Gotcha. I’ve told you this so many times, I’m still trying to understand and get it into my head and understand everything. Does that mean that I have other focuses that I share with people? Is the 742 just in this lifetime, in this now?
Oh, that’s what I wanted to ask, ding-dong! Gosh darn it! How many do I have now? This Lajos, you said there were two that were unmanifest and there was one person that was manifest. So the other three essences that had the same Bahlah as me, are they still Bahlah?
ELIAS: The other focuses?
GINA: Yes. The girl that my brother met in Germany, her essence name was Bahlah.
GINA: They’re still Bahlah, right?
GINA: Now that I’m Lajos, how many people in this now are physically manifest with the essence name of Lajos? Is it just the one, like you told me?
GINA: Is this person a male or a female?
ELIAS: You incorporate presently five.
GINA: How many are male and how many are female?
ELIAS: Two male, three female.
GINA: Is one of the three females me, or is it five besides me?
ELIAS: Yes, one of the three is you.
GINA: So five including myself. Have I met any of these people?
GINA: Is there a potential?
ELIAS: Not likely.
GINA: Is that because they’re like in faraway countries?
GINA: I know if I ask you, you’re probably going to tell me to investigate, but could I guess and you tell me if I’m right or not?
ELIAS: If you are so choosing.
GINA: The other two females, would they be in the location of Mexico?
GINA: One in Mexico. For some reason, I’m leaning towards either Spain, Mexico, something that’s Spanish or of Mexican orient — could be Cuba, Puerto Rico. Anything like that, or am I way off base?
GINA: The two males, I’m going to have to go... France?
GINA: Let me see. Italy?
GINA: It is in another country, though, correct?
ELIAS: Ha ha ha! Yes.
ELIAS: No. (Chuckles)
GINA: How about China?
GINA: Are they both in India?
GINA: Oh my gosh... Turkey?
GINA: I’m not getting visuals here. Hold on, South America?
ELIAS: That would be Bolivia.
GINA: Oh, that’s Bolivia! (Laughs, and Elias chuckles)
ELIAS: New Zealand.
GINA: I never would have thought of that. Never! (Both laugh) That one just didn’t come to me.
In the Indian culture, they say they can shape-shift and stuff like that. Can you, so to speak, shape-shift with another essence? I remember reading some info on that, where you can actually kind of like meld together for maybe like not even a slight second with another person without actually being intrusive?
ELIAS: Yes, you may merge with another individual.
GINA: That’s what I thought. I think I’ve done it before; that’s why I asked. (Laughs)
ELIAS: You may be accomplishing this quite easily incorporating your empathic sense.
GINA: What is the potential of Belal being released sometime in the near future from the position he’s in? (Pause)
ELIAS: In what capacity?
GINA: Candace and I were trying to word it. “In what capacity,” as far as being totally out of there, because he has something coming up and you never know. That’s why I wanted to ask. She was even interested; she thought it should be an interesting question. We tried wording it to where it would make sense — basically the potential of him being released from the facility that he is in right now.
ELIAS: I am understanding, but...
GINA: What do you mean? Oh, capacity. As far as like to what extent? Is that what you mean?
GINA: I don’t know. I mean being let out to where he has one of those things on his hands where they can track him or something.
ELIAS: This would be dependent upon what type of energy the individual is projecting and what choices he incorporates.
GINA: Was I or am I now a chapter focus in some way, shape or form?
GINA: Was this before when I was Bahlah, or have things changed because I have now fragmented?
ELIAS: You incorporate that expression as both.
GINA: Really? Oh, wow! Can I get a little bit more detail? How is it incorporated in the chapter focus? At what point? Is it family issues that it would be a chapter focus? I’m not really too keen on the chapter focus thing, either. I know it’s kind of like a book thing, right?
ELIAS: In a manner of speaking; that is figurative. But if you participate in a particular book, which you do, you also participate in most of or all of the chapters. Therefore, you would be incorporated in shared experiences to some capacity with other essences that also participate in that particular book.
GINA: Gotcha. The reason I asked that is because I see a sense of familiarity in what Candace and Belal went through and what Bilford and I have gone through. You know what I’m saying? I’m wondering if what Candace was going through was a chapter focus also.
ELIAS: I am understanding what you are expressing, but this is not the definition of a chapter focus.
GINA: What would that be considered? You got to help me out here because I’m not too... But you understand what I’m saying as far as how similar the situations were?
GINA: So what would that be considered? What kind of a definition?
ELIAS: That would be associated with counterpart action.
GINA: Oh, that’s twisted! Is my mom my counterpart now?
GINA: She is! That’s what I thought! Hot damn! Right on! This is so interesting. Has this happened only because of the fact that I have changed essence names, or were we counterparts before?
ELIAS: You have periodically engaged that action of counterpart.
GINA: But now we are definitely counterparts because of the fact that this fragmentation thing has been done? So now we’re definitely counterparts?
ELIAS: It is not necessarily the fragmentation that has generated this counterpart action between you. It is more associated with these individual focuses and the experiences and directions that you generate in this focus that has influenced this counterpart action.
GINA: I know a person can have a lot of counterparts.
GINA: How many do I have?
ELIAS: (Laughs) I may express to you that it would be quite challenging to identify an actual number of counterparts. For, first of all, there are many, many, many that would incorporate beyond what your physical numberings may express, and secondly, counterpart action is continuously fluctuating. Therefore, it is changing, and therefore the number would be changing.
GINA: One of the questions that I have is one of my boss’ girlfriends that he just broke up with, are she and I counterparts?
GINA: That’s what I thought! That was my impression yesterday. I got that one down! I get so excited when my impressions are right. (Both laugh) It makes me feel good.
A long time ago — I think it was one of our first sessions — you told me I was a prostitute in Virginia City and I had died of a drug overdose or something like that. At that particular point in time back then, I don’t think they were given proper burials. Was I given a proper burial? Am I up in Boot Hill somewhere, or was I given an unmarked grave?
ELIAS: An unmarked grave.
GINA: That’s what I figured. Is that up in Boot Hill, or they just put me somewhere? I don’t really care where they put me.
ELIAS: Ha ha! In a field.
GINA: Is it in Virginia City?
ELIAS: Just outside.
GINA: Now that I have more focuses — which I’m still trying to understand how that was accomplished, but I’ll understand soon — have I incorporated more, so to speak, past focuses, even though there is no past, that I can do some investigating on?
GINA: Really? Give me some clues.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) Offer yourself impressions, and subsequent to your impressions, allow yourself to incorporate research. In that research, continue to listen to your impressions, and that shall provide you with more of an accurate direction. For initially you may be incorporating an impression that may be somewhat cloudy, so to speak, which may generate a motivation to be investigating in a certain direction. That may not necessarily be entirely accurate, but if you are continuing to listen to your impressions within your investigation, you shall, in a manner of speaking, steer yourself in the right direction. Ha ha!
GINA: You said that we shared six focuses together. Has that changed? Because, remember, I asked you about the family thing and you said it could fluctuate.
GINA: Oh, really? How many do we share now?
GINA: Cool. I’m going to say that most of these focuses shared were probably in Europe.
GINA: That’s what I thought. What about Julio? Can I get his essence name?
ELIAS: Essence name, Jarris, J-A-R-R-I-S (JAR riss).
GINA: Do you have a word for Candace to contemplate, other than “trust self”? (Elias laughs with Gina) You know my mom!
ELIAS: Express to Candace to remember to be playful.
GINA: Is that it, for the moment?
ELIAS: In this moment that is significant. Perhaps also to remember that in this particular wave in consciousness, information is being expressed through experience, not intellectual.
GINA: My brother, Mikah — you know that there’s been a lot of conflict between him and me. Of course, I participated because we were writing back and forth on the computer. Why is he so bent? He was out of my life for such a long time and he doesn’t tell me anything, and now he says these things to me and I can’t understand where he’s coming from. What is the issue that is going on at hand right now? There’s a lot of conflict there. I kind of know but I’m not really sure. I’d like some validation from you to find out exactly why he is so angry with me. I tried explaining to him, but he doesn’t really know the whole story of what went on. I’m trying to understand where he’s coming from.
ELIAS: What is more significant is what are you generating.
GINA: (Sighs) When someone says something to you, you can go with the no-conflict and say “whatever.”
ELIAS: I am understanding what you are expressing. What I am expressing to you is that it is significant that you recognize what you are expressing and what type of energy you are projecting outwardly to generate this type of reflection. What you are generating is an energy of defensiveness.
GINA: Exactly! There you go. That’s a good one. I feel like I was getting bashed. I don’t like playing victim, to be honest with you. We all do it, but I don’t like playing it. In some way, shape or form, I feel that I can play at that point because of what he was writing to me. It was kind of confusing me.
ELIAS: Let me express to you, the point is that you are expressing that energy of defensiveness and justification, and therefore what you create in response as reflection is accusatory, for that is a reflection of what you are already projecting.
GINA: I see. I understand what you’re saying.
I have another question, and we had this in our last conversation, too. I have been trying, and I really can’t say that I haven’t tried hard, because you know that I went out there to try to make amends with him and try to work things out for the kids’ sake, and he wasn’t accepting. But now, I am so willing and would love... I told him that I wanted to be friends with him and I wanted to try to work things out for the kids’ sake, because to me — this is my belief — it’s not healthy for the kids to have... I don’t think that what he is doing is very fair. Nothing’s fair, but for the kids’ benefit he is trying to stifle the situation as far as I go, trying to make it become like I don’t exist anymore. I’m trying to make friends with him and he told me straight out, “I don’t want to be friends with you! I don’t want to. I have no interest. I have nothing.”
If I’m mirroring him, why is he going in the opposite direction? I’m trying so hard, Elias, to be nice to him, and he doesn’t want to be nice! What am I doing wrong?
ELIAS: It is not concerning this individual.
GINA: I don’t understand. Can you explain?
ELIAS: You are expressing that your motivation is to be interacting with the children. That does not require the other individual’s participation. If your motivation is your own participation and interaction with the children, that is what it is. But if you are not expressing that direction, you are offering a camouflaged or false message to the other individual.
GINA: Yes, but even with him, Elias, I even told him I wanted to be friends with him, not just for the kids’ sake. I mean, I have little thoughts, but you know, I’ll get my little triggers and it’ll bring up certain things that happened with us, but I know that we both participated in it.
ELIAS: And what is your motivation?
GINA: My motivation is that I would like to have a no-conflict relationship with him and my children. I want to be friends with the man. I don’t want all this.
ELIAS: And what is your motivation?
GINA: To have a relationship — a decent, nice, friendly relationship, just to be friends with him.
ELIAS: That is not your motivation. Your motivation is to justify yourself. In this, the energy that you are projecting is being received and the other individual is generating an understanding of that energy and chooses not to be participating, for there is a recognition of the type of energy that you are projecting. You THINK you want to be incorporating a friendship with this individual, but your beliefs are expressing differently. That is a camouflage. This...
GINA: Yeah, but you know what? Maybe that might be the underlying issue, but I really don’t think... I think at one point, yes, it was to justify, but now with all the stuff that I saw Candace and Belal go through, I didn’t want to have to go through all that stuff. I just felt like it was opening up more cans of worms, you know what I’m saying? I really don’t need to justify myself anymore.
ELIAS: Ah, but...
GINA: He’s going out of his way. Now, listen, I don’t want to say too much, but he’s going out of his way to try to bring up... Just the other day, last week, I spoke with him. He wrote me back all these little messages and stuff, and I couldn’t understand where he was going with it. Why? Why would you want to do something like that? What is the point of it?
ELIAS: As you continue to incorporate blame, you continue to express that defensiveness and that justification, and this is what you generate in reflection, which in actuality is quite similar to what you generate with Mikah. If you genuinely are not expressing that defense in the discounting of yourself, you shall not generate that type of energy and you shall not generate these types of responses.
GINA: But what am I supposed to do in order to get close to him and my kids? What am I supposed to do, stay away from them?
ELIAS: I am not expressing this. I am expressing that what you do to create what you want is to allow yourself to trust yourself, to accept yourself, to not be incorporating your own judgment of yourself, which is what you are doing, and to allow yourself to express yourself in your appreciation for yourself and for other individuals.
GINA: One more question. You say that I’ve got to trust myself and accept myself, do not incorporate judgment. But let’s just say maybe a month or two from now, because my kids have been asking me when I’m going to come out, if I go out there, I’m going to have to deal with the legal system, and what’s the legal system going to do? They’re going to bring up all the past stuff, and that’s where the blame’s going to come from.
ELIAS: That would be your choice of whether you choose to move in that direction and whether you choose to generate that. If you are genuinely accepting of yourself and allowing yourself the freedom of your expressions, not focusing upon expectations of what you may receive from other individuals but what you may offer, that may change much of your reality.
GINA: So when you say trust myself and accept self, does that mean...? I’m learning who I am, I know what I’ve done, I know what I have been, so to speak, branded as — you and I both know my line of work, and that to other people is not acceptable. I accept it; I don’t have a problem with it. It’s other people; it’s the legal system. They think that I am not an acceptable mother. I KNOW I am, because I took care of my kids for so long. So how am I supposed to get that across to them? If I go there to try to see the kids...
ELIAS: Let me express...
GINA: ...I’m not going to bring anything up as far as that goes! He’s already threatened to bring things up! So how am I supposed to trust myself totally, when I already am trying to?
ELIAS: I am understanding.
GINA: So how does that happen?
ELIAS: I may express to you, the manner in which it genuinely occurs is not by thinking. You may be thinking that you accept yourself and that you trust yourself and that you do not judge yourself, but that is a camouflage. For if that were genuine, you would not be creating all of these reflections outwardly.
GINA: Gotcha. All right, let me see what else I have on here. Do I have any more focuses in Egypt now that I have more focuses?
ELIAS: Yes, several.
GINA: I’m going to investigate, but I know one was a dancer. The second focus I had out there I think you said was a makeup artist. The third one you said was an apprentice. I’m going to go ahead and guess that I’ve been a dancer out there more than once.
ELIAS: Yes, you are correct.
GINA: I’m going to have to say also that I was in the makeup thing also.
GINA: That’s only three. I’m going to say that maybe I have like six focuses out there at this point.
ELIAS: As an Egyptian?
GINA: In Egypt, yes. Before, it was three. I would have to go with six, maybe, or nine?
ELIAS: Slightly more.
GINA: How about eleven?
GINA: I was going to say that.
(Recording ends after 1 hour, 8 minutes.)
(1) Gina is referring to The Shift: A Time of Change, by David Tate.
©2007 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved
Copyright 2004 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.