I Just Can’t Do This Anymore
“I Just Can’t Do This Anymore”
Monday, February 23, 2004 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Carmen (Tirza)
(Elias’ arrival time is 17 seconds.)
ELIAS: Good afternoon!
CARMEN: Hi, Elias. (Emotionally) I’m holding my energy really tight.
ELIAS: I am aware.
CARMEN: I’ll try and relax. I’m really scared to talk to you. I know I shouldn’t be, so I’ll try not to be. Oh boy. Well, as you know, I’ve been really doing a number on myself. I haven’t talked to you in the last two years because I have felt that I have been offering myself information as to what I’ve been doing and not doing, but I just thought it’s really time to make an objective connection. I do have some things that I would like some feedback on.
ELIAS: Very well.
CARMEN: I’m going to sound like I’m reading from a script, which I am.
ELIAS: It matters not.
CARMEN: I have moved a little, I believe, in the past two years in allowing myself to discover and express more of my creativity, but I’m really not allowing myself to see or pursue many of my choices and I often feel a lack of desire to even do that. Much of the time I am confused as to what I really want. When I do identify a choice that I would like, say an employment-related creative opportunity, then I doubt my ability to create it because I have not absorbed the understanding of choice and that I create ALL of my reality.
(Very emotionally) Now I’ve moved myself to the point where I often feel that I just can’t do this anymore. I want to move toward no longer — I’m ashamed to even say this — play the game, even though I am trying not to choose the either/or. There are times when I do feel peaceful with this because I think that I’m sort of aligning with that belief and discharging some of the energy that I put into fighting. But then I start to feel afraid of what kind of imagery I might create if I disengage, because I know that I take my objective awareness with me and that I will be me wherever I go.
But overall, am I correct that I have moved in self-acceptance, especially with regard to broadening my creative ideas of what I can do, and also increased my self acceptance in just who I am as a person, but that now the most influencing issues are my inability to see choices that strongly appeal to me and my lack of trust that I can create the opportunities that I want?
ELIAS: Yes, I would validate what you have expressed.
Now; express to myself, what do you assess as being what you want and the identification of those opportunities that you doubt your ability with?
CARMEN: This goes back to when we spoke before about my believing that I can incorporate my creativity into my work without completely stressing myself out. I would like employment-related opportunities where I am incorporating more of my graphics, my artistic abilities and imagination, into them. Not coincidentally, those are also the projects that I have under-priced myself on in relation to clients, so they aren’t the projects that bring in the most money. But even when I’ve created those, I have created some stress associated with them, although some moments of genuine pleasure and satisfaction.
ELIAS: Now; identify what generates the stress.
CARMEN: Well, one thing is that I have an underlying resentment that I am working many more hours than I’m getting paid for. Now that I think about it, those instances really didn’t have tremendous stress. There were a couple instances where the client asked for something to be changed and I reacted totally out of proportion, and I even realized it afterwards. Now that you pose the question to me, I realize that they did not incorporate that much stress other than the fact that I remember mumbling to myself, “Boy, I’m putting in a lot of hours, but I did enjoy what I was doing.”
ELIAS: Correct. Therefore, identify what actually generates the stress and WHEN it actually is being expressed — not actually in the time framework that you are associating it with, but in subsequent time frameworks in which you are recalling the experiences. THAT is the time framework in which you are actually generating the stress. And what is motivating that?
CARMEN: Oh dear. I’ve thought one reason I may be blocking projects like that, other than the fact that I still do... A part of me strongly believes that it depends on someone presenting it to me rather than my generating it, but part of that blocking is sometimes I wonder if their expectations will exceed my abilities. That hasn’t been real frequent, because I have generated extremely positive feedback on those projects, actually on all of my projects.
ELIAS: I am understanding, but that is not what is significant, is it?
ELIAS: What is significant is YOUR perception and your assessment of your value, which is the key, that you are not expressing adequate value of yourself. Therefore, you generate the fear of what other individuals shall express. Regardless that you offer evidence to yourself to the contrary, it matters not, for what you are battling is yourself.
The stress is not being generated in association with actual jobs, so to speak, or actual tasks that you may be generating in association with your creativity, but the tremendous judgment that you express with yourself, continuously pushing your energy and pushing yourself to be creating better. In this, I would not be agreement in association with that element of acceptance.
I am in agreement with you that in the time framework between this conversation and our last conversation you have generated a greater understanding and you have generated a greater expression of acceptance in different areas. But in association with your abilities, there are some elements in which you accept your creativity and your abilities, but secretly.
Now; this is actually somewhat of a dangerous expression, for as I have expressed previously many times that there are no secrets within consciousness, the most dangerous secrets that you may attempt to hold are those of yourself or from yourself.
You express in secret with yourself that you accept your ability — but only with yourself. If you are incorporating interaction with any other individual, that secret acceptance of your abilities and your creativity is tremendously overshadowed and becomes camouflaged, and you move into this expression of forcing your energy, not actually in relation to doubting how the other individual shall perceive you or perceive your creativity. As I have stated, you have offered yourself enough evidence to the contrary to recognize that this incorporates no matter with the other individuals.
This is an expression that arises consistently, for it is a recognition of your own camouflage, that you are doubting your abilities and your creativity as not good enough. Although you consistently allow yourself to express your creativity in successfulness, you continue to force your energy and push your energy in striving for perfection, not acknowledging and not accepting the perfection of your expression as it is already.
This is very significant, my dear friend, for this is such an intimate expression of yourself that it influences all of your perception of yourself, not merely in association with your creativity but in every aspect of yourself in which you discount yourself and you express this devaluation...
CARMEN: And that I strive for perfection, not recognizing that I am already perfect.
ELIAS: Correct. Perfection is not the lack of what you term to be flaw, for the flaws or what you view as flaws are not actually flaws. They are the depths of your expression. As we have discussed previously, they are the shadows that present the depth, and in this, they are what you may term to be the colors that generate dimension in your expression. Therefore, whatever you are expressing in the moment is perfect in that moment and is the best that it can be in that moment. Therefore, it is ludicrous to be chastising yourself and discounting yourself and devaluing yourself and striving to be better.
There is a difference between challenging yourself to expand your objective expression of your abilities and generating a genuine appreciation for all that you are creating in that process and striving to be or to do better. Those are very different actions. One is merely an exploration and a genuine acknowledgment of your appreciation of yourself and what you express. The other is a striving to move within a tremendous doubt of your capabilities, and that is a continuous discounting of yourself.
CARMEN: Yes, I have been getting those emotional signals. I just want to make sure that I understand about this secret part, because as you say, it’s very, very significant. Am I correct that I tell myself that I trust my creative abilities because I look outward and see other people responding very positively, but inwardly is where the doubt lurks and that’s a secret I’m keeping from myself and that’s what’s influencing?
ELIAS: Partially, but not precisely. The secret that you hold is that you individually with yourself acknowledge your ability and recognize your own creativity and your talent, and you appreciate the action of engaging your creativity and it is satisfying to you. This would be acceptable if you were to be engaging this creativity alone and expressing this creativity privately only with yourself.
But once you engage other individuals, that acknowledgment of your ability becomes the secret, for that acknowledgment or that expression of value of yourself and of your expression should not be shared and should not be expressed in association with other individuals, for that, of course, is bad. That is arrogant and that is an expression of self-centeredness. Therefore, it becomes the secret. What you express as your “big dog” becomes the camouflage, and that generates conflict.
CARMEN: This is new information for me. I mean, I’m sure it’s in me but... So when I interact with other people, I... I’m going to have to think about this, because as I say, I hadn’t thought of it from that angle yet.
ELIAS: This is also evidenced in projects that you engage and you do not generate the type of income that matches the value of the expression. You are reflecting in your output (and) in your allowance of yourself to receive what you are expressing in this camouflage, in devaluing yourself and your expression.
CARMEN: That’s a new angle, that I actually do have the belief in my abilities and it’s just that something happens when I interact with other people, and I shouldn’t be afraid to really see my value in relation to other people.
CARMEN: As you say, this is influencing me big time in all areas, this serious discounting. (Sighs) Oh boy. It has for a long time, although I’m not supposed to think about that because every moment is new, which is very difficult for me.
ELIAS: Let me express to you, this is another expression of pushing your energy. My suggestion to you in this time framework is to stop incorporating the “supposed tos” or “not supposed tos” or “shoulds” or “should nots.”
CARMEN: I cannot believe how I hammer myself with those!
ELIAS: This is overwhelming and is merely perpetuating this circle of discounting yourself and of devaluing yourself.
Now; I shall suggest to you in association with that temporarily allow yourself to breathe, and if you express to yourself an identification of an action that you are incorporating or noticing an expression that you are generating, DO NOT follow that with “I should not be thinking this way” or “I should not be expressing this energy,” for that merely generates another expression in which you discount yourself again.
In that, you are generating your movement, digging into your tunnel, and rather than continuing to move within your tunnel, you continue to move to the beginning of the tunnel. You have already dug a tremendous tunnel. It is not necessary to move to the beginning of it again and be digging the tunnel larger. It is already dug. In this, you fit quite nicely already within your tunnel. The point is to be moving to the next heave of earth or the next rock and moving it out of your tunnel to continue to move forward. The mouth of the tunnel is wide enough. (Chuckles)
CARMEN: You know, sometimes, not often, but right now I almost feel like laughing about it. Because if I were to step outside of myself and look at myself, it’s like I cannot believe what I am doing to myself!
ELIAS: Ah! I shall offer you an exercise. (Humorously) I may express to you that you have generated an excellent movement in discounting yourself and being forgetful of your fun! Therefore, we shall incorporate an exercise to re-introduce you to fun.
Now; in this exercise, we shall be quite specific. It shall incorporate actual paint.
Now; in moments in which you notice yourself expressing a should or a should not, you shall apply yellow paint to some area of your body.
CARMEN: Oh my gosh! (Laughing)
ELIAS: In moments in which you are expressing or noticing that you are pushing your energy, you shall apply blue paint to your physical body. In moments in which you are discounting yourself and you notice, you shall apply red paint to your physical body. In these expressions, in any other type of discounting of yourself that you notice, you shall incorporate your creativity and you shall choose other colors and you shall apply them to your physical body.
I am expressing to you that you shall incorporate this action regardless of where you find yourself, in any environment. And I shall express to you that I shall wager you shall be incorporating laughter quite quickly, especially if you are engaged with another individual and you recognize that you must now be applying some color of paint to your physical body. This shall become quite humorous! Ha ha ha!
CARMEN: I think that in one day I could cover my entire body...
ELIAS: Ah! And perhaps this shall be an exercise that shall interrupt this circle and this pattern of devaluing of yourself, for you shall offer yourself the opportunity to now view yourself as your canvas, (and) perhaps you shall begin to express that secret rather than camouflaging.
CARMEN: So in relation to other people, the energy that I am creating is that they feel that I do not value myself, is that correct? Because you said there are no secrets.
ELIAS: Correct, although I may express to you that in the camouflage that you generate, what occurs many times with the other individuals is that they merely do not pay attention. They are, in a manner of speaking, noticing that you are expressing in a manner in which you are not valuing yourself and they are compliant with that.
CARMEN: Because when I am creating, they are compliant in my creating situations for them where quote “supposedly” they can’t pay more. It’s not within their budget.
ELIAS: But that is what YOU are creating. That is what you are drawing to yourself, for you are not valuing yourself.
Let me also express to you, this type of camouflage does not incorporate you as the great humanitarian and it does not incorporate you as the good individual for you are being compliant with financial needs. It is actually you devaluing yourself and not expressing the type of energy in that value and appreciation of yourself to draw to you more of an outward reflection of that value, more of an expression of your value in reflection in the energy of the other individuals, and the individuals that you draw to yourself.
CARMEN: Well, that is the issue in this time framework, there’s no question, and it does affect my entire focus. The trauma I am generating is just debilitating, incapacitating. I do want to move beyond it or at least to the next rock.
ELIAS: (Laughs) And remember, in that tunnel, as you continue to move and uncover each rock, so to speak, each of them incorporates its own beauty and its own colors, and it in itself is...
CARMEN: That is what I have to learn or discover how to perceive, that thing about the shadows giving depth and dimension. Shadows are colors, too. That’s not an absence of color.
ELIAS: You are correct. They are.
CARMEN: My next question has to do with my motivation again. Am I correct in feeling that I have fulfilled much if not most of my basic intent and that now it’s more or less a matter of expanding on it if I choose? Because to be honest, I at times really do feel like I am running out of aspects of myself that I feel a desire to explore in this focus. I believe that I have explored and expressed many aspects of myself and my abilities and incorporated that into my broader definition of spirituality. I have been trying to offer myself ideas that will stimulate my motivation.
I used to be so driven and curious; I was just like a vacuum cleaner of information and things like that. Now there are times when it just feels like it is gone.
ELIAS: I am understanding, and this is a significant point also. For let me express to you, there is no shame in discontinuing.
CARMEN: (Emotionally) I have said that to myself.
ELIAS: It is a choice. If you choose to be continuing to expand and if that is what you genuinely want and if you incorporate your curiosity and you are generating a genuine appreciation of your movement, that is a choice. It is also a choice to stop. Neither choice is better or worse; they are merely choices. What is significant is to listen to yourself and to genuinely pay attention to what you are expressing to yourself.
I am aware that many individuals do generate their value fulfillment in association with their intent and move to a point, so to speak, in which they incorporate no desire any longer to be generating the exploration, and they create difficult and conflicting experiences for they attempt to be continuing with no desire — and that generates beyond conflict.
CARMEN: What I have been trying to do is realize that, as you’ve said many times, we take us with us wherever we go and...
ELIAS: This is correct. But let me also express to you, are you familiar with the ballet?
CARMEN: Yes, I have done that.
ELIAS: Now; as a ballerina completes a particular ballet, what occurs? What is the action that the ballerina expresses as she has completed her performance?
CARMEN: She takes a bow or she curtsies. You mean the entire performance or a single movement?
ELIAS: Subsequent to the entire performance.
CARMEN: She takes her bow, the feminine equivalent of a bow.
ELIAS: And thusly stands and receives her flowers, receives the applause and the appreciation of her audience and receives her prize of her flowers. Correct?
ELIAS: And merely stands. Correct?
CARMEN: Yes, she merely stands.
ELIAS: For she has accomplished her performance and now receives her reward in that expression of appreciation and needs not incorporate any other action. Correct?
ELIAS: Remember the ballerina.
CARMEN: It’s not that I have made that decision, because as I said, I’m trying not to choose the either/or.
ELIAS: I am understanding.
CARMEN: You’re saying listen genuinely to myself. I am fearful of the imagery, that I might possibly throw myself into chaos. I know I won’t go immediately into transition, at least I don’t believe so. I’m a final focus and they usually or they often or sometimes choose to take a period in which to discharge tension and address to themselves. But you’ve said to other individuals that it’s no easier or no harder to do it there than here.
ELIAS: Correct. But remember, each individual that I engage this discussion with, although it may be information that may be incorporated by other individuals in engaging the transcriptions, and in your terms, it may speak to other individuals for it may offer them different information, in each conversation concerning THIS subject matter, I am specifically addressing to the individual in association with their energy, what they are expressing, their beliefs and the potential of what they may express if they are engaging an action of intentionally generating a method to be disengaging.
Now; I am not expressing that an individual may not engage a specific method to incorporate death and be expressing a type of energy in which they shall not necessarily generate conflict or tremendous confusion subsequently, but many individuals do. Many individuals generate that objective imagery and continue to generate a similar reality temporarily to what they are generating within physical focus if they are not engaging a method for death. Therefore, it is dependent upon the individual and what type of energy they are expressing. That is the reason I express to you “remember the ballerina.”
CARMEN: That is very meaningful imagery to me, and also to incorporate my responsibility to myself rather than worrying about how a decision such as that... You probably know that I wouldn’t actually jump off a bridge.
ELIAS: Ha ha ha! Which is also a fearful action, for perhaps you shall not actually choose to be disengaging!
CARMEN: You’re right. Some people have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and lived. (Elias laughs) But one of my issues is what that would quote “do” to my parents. I’m trying to work through the “I express an energy and if they choose to incorporate that expression in their reality, they are doing so by their choice”...
CARMEN: ...rather than my inflicting something upon them.
CARMEN: I think of my mother in particular, because I chose her to symbolize the small dog in me, the one who is working with her creativity, to express that and move through her tunnel. The thought that goes through my mind is it would kill her if something happened to me or something like that, but then I bring myself back around to by incorporating responsibility to myself, I fulfill responsibility toward other essences automatically.
ELIAS: Correct. I am not expressing advocating any particular choice. I am merely expressing information to you individually concerning your energy and your choices, that regardless of what choices you view or what choices you incorporate, they are your choices, none of which are better or worse than any other choices.
CARMEN: I do appreciate that and I take what you have said as an offering of information and not advocating of any choice.
ELIAS: Correct, for this is your free will and it is concerning what YOU want and your direction and listening to yourself and what you are communicating to yourself in association with what you want.
CARMEN: Yes, that is very helpful to me. Am I correct... You can’t predict because it would depend on my energy at the time of the choice what I would be choosing. I was going to say I probably would not go directly into transition.
ELIAS: That is a strong potential.
CARMEN: Not to go. Yes, I understand that.
ELIAS: But that is not to say that continuing to be generating objective imagery would necessarily be traumatic. That is the point of the offering of the ballerina, the standing and receiving.
CARMEN: This is going to sound really arrogant, but maybe this is what I should be doing, sounding arrogant. I really do think — and I know that everybody is me — that I have at least wanted to offer the best of myself, and now I think the best of myself is everything. But it has been a desire of mine to be genuinely contributing to other essences on my sojourn.
ELIAS: I am understanding.
CARMEN: I did have one question about my intent that we discussed a while ago about incorporating every single possible expression, aspect and expression, of consciousness into my definition of spirituality. You mentioned in one of my sessions that I had applied that wider definition to myself for the most part. I’ve been trying to think, for the past couple years is there any aspect that I’m not seeing, that I’m not defining as spirituality?
ELIAS: That which we have been discussing this day.
CARMEN: The part about arrogance? Not arrogance, but believing in oneself?
ELIAS: And the appreciation of your physical expression.
CARMEN: I am allowing myself to be influenced by religious beliefs about “the meek shall...” that part about debasing myself?
ELIAS: Yes, and in this, you are offering yourself the opportunity to genuinely discover what is meant in being a spiritual being in its fullness, that your physical manifestation and all that you generate with this physical manifestation is as great of a spiritual expression as any other expression of consciousness, for you ARE essence.
CARMEN: I have approached that obliquely, tangentially at times, but yes, I understand.
When I go to sleep sometimes I hear a hammer sound in my left ear. I’ve identified it as a hammer because it sounds like a hammer hitting on an anvil and it echoes. I’ve interpreted that as maybe distracting myself from my cycle but also literally that it is a hammer, telling myself how I am hammering myself. Is that correct or is there any other meaning to that?
ELIAS: You are correct in your assessment. It is a manifestation that you present to yourself to be moving your attention to recognize not merely how often you generate this action but generating a manifestation that perhaps shall become annoying enough that you shall recognize that you may incorporate action to discontinue this continuous judgment that you express with yourself.
CARMEN: Have I begun transition? I’m thinking that I haven’t because I haven’t been creating any visual bleed-throughs, but transition may involve other kinds of experiencing.
CARMEN: I have?
ELIAS: Yes. But that does not always incorporate visualizations and you may not necessarily incorporate tremendous unusual experiences. It is dependent on the individual and whether they choose to be engaging this action of transition in an intensity or not.
CARMEN: So I’m more of a low level?
ELIAS: Ha ha! In a manner of speaking!
CARMEN: Well, I don’t want to overwhelm myself!
ELIAS: I would express to you an agreement in that statement. You are already creating enough overwhelmingness. (Laughs)
CARMEN: I sure am. Another question has to do with I have been taking muscle relaxants. I’m trying not to take a lot of them, but that’s a belief system that I shouldn’t take a lot of them. I understand that I create their effects, but I’m wondering if they are hampering my movement, if the effects I am creating are hampering my movement in any way.
ELIAS: In what capacity?
CARMEN: Well, if they may be blocking my emotional communications. I started taking them because I thought they would calm me down enough to listen more to myself so that I wasn’t so tense. But I’ve wondered, am I just anesthetizing myself? They seem to have varying effects at different times. I mean, sometimes they seem like a stimulant and other times they seem like a sedative. As I said, I don’t take enough to really knock myself out. The intention has been to just calm me down a little bit and they definitely help me sleep.
ELIAS: I would express to you that you are not incorporating a blocking or a masking with this action. I may also express to you that regardless of what method you are incorporating, it is favorable that you offer yourself an avenue in which you may be incorporating some relaxation, regardless of your method.
CARMEN: Let’s see, do I have any other questions? This is just off the top of my head. The individuals who I have chosen as my parents, they are not final focuses, are they?
CARMEN: And my brother, I’m just not sure.
CARMEN: Is my brother thought focused?
CARMEN: I thought so. I’ve got three minutes left, do I have a three-minute question? (Elias laughs) I’ve torpedoed several sessions with you because I thought I don’t have any questions, I’m giving myself this information. But I did reach a point where I need — or I don’t “need”...
CARMEN: We have no needs except for ourselves.
ELIAS: That was an example!
CARMEN: Oh, really?
ELIAS: That was an example, and in that correction of yourself, apply your paint! (Laughs)
CARMEN: Ohhh! (Laughs) You know, there are times when I think to myself “Am I sure that I’m not Sumafi?” because boy, this perfection thing, even in the things I create that is really ingrained. I’ve ingrained that in myself.
ELIAS: Yes, but this is somewhat differently motivated. For previously within your focus, throughout your focus, that has served you well in motivating you to be challenging yourself and to be expanding. That is what we discussed this day in the difference between that action which you have incorporated previously in your focus and the action of striving for you are discounting yourself.
CARMEN: Yes, that idea of better.
CARMEN: Well, I think that I have, unless there is anything else that would be helpful, I think I’ve asked all of my questions.
ELIAS: Remember to be playful.
CARMEN: I have been trying — but not to push myself in being playful.
ELIAS: Correct. Merely allow yourself to be playful. Perhaps your exercise, as I have stated, shall reintroduce you to your own playfulness. (Laughs)
CARMEN: It will give me a few chuckles, that’s for sure!
ELIAS: Ha ha ha! Very well. (Chuckles)
CARMEN: I want to thank you very, very much. I’m glad that I was brave enough to have the session.
ELIAS: (Laughs) And I am acknowledging of you also. As always, my dear friend, my tremendous affection is with you, and I shall continue to be expressing my encouragement and my supportiveness and my lovingness to you. Allow yourself to receive it.
CARMEN: Thank you so much.
ELIAS: To you in great fondness and anticipation of our next meeting, au revoir.
CARMEN: Au revoir.
(Elias departs after 1 hour, 7 minutes.)
(1) Analogy of the large dog and the small dog, from 8/18/01:
ELIAS: ...I have expressed previously an analogy of the two dogs which are, figuratively, manifest within each of you — one which is the large dog which expresses a very loud bark and appears to be quite threatening. This is the expression of yourselves in automatic response of beliefs and the expression of discounting and distrusting yourselves. This dog is fed quite well and often, and has become quite large and imposing, so to speak.
But you also incorporate a small dog within you each. That small dog is the expression of your acceptance and trust of self and your communication in intuition to yourselves. This dog is not fed as well or as often, and therefore its voice, its bark, is quite soft, and its form is quite small, and it may be overshadowed quite easily and quite often by the large dog.
But as you move in widening your awareness and becoming more familiar with self and begin paying more attention to the small dog and feeding the small dog more often, you begin to recognize that the large dog continues to be present, but ah-ha! You discover that the large dog in actuality incorporates no teeth. (Marcos laughs) It merely appears ominous and threatening, but in actuality it incorporates no bite, and the small dog is allowed to become more of a focal point in your attention.
It does not necessarily grow larger, but you allow yourself to express an affection for this small dog, and in that action, you may hold the small dog upon your lap continuously and be paying attention to this small dog, expressing pleasure in your interaction with it and begin to ignore the loud musings of the large dog, for you recognize that this large dog is merely noisy but needs not appear ominous or threatening any longer, for it incorporates no teeth.
©2007 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved
Copyright 2004 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.