Addressing to the Trauma of Suicide
Topics:
“Suicide of a Niece”
“Addressing to a Trauma in Present Time Framework”
“Acceptance Isn’t for the Other Person”
“Carrying Energy That You’re Not Aware Of”
Tuesday, February 11, 2025 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Jared (Twen)
ELIAS: Good morning!
JARED: Good morning, Elias.
ELIAS: And how are you proceeding, my friend?
JARED: Well, going through this trauma therapy has been startling and eye-opening and at times painful and—
ELIAS: How so?
JARED: Well, just looking… Like I always say you sweep stuff under the carpet and then you realize there’s the carpet, you’ve got to lift up the carpet and clean all that stuff out of there. Sometimes it’s hard to look at what you see and you want to lay that carpet down, or you open that door into the closet of your trauma and you get a glimpse of it and then you shut it down. You shut the door.
And the good news is that I’m able to look at that door. I’m able to look at the stuff I’m sweeping under the carpet and look at the door without having to run and shut it. But I’ve been going through the process of lifting, of having these traumatic episodes with family members, and if it’s all right with you Elias, I want to talk about a recent trauma that was a trauma from afar, I guess you could say. And it… I haven’t even mentioned this to Jean to tell you the truth, because I’ve been thinking of the right – of Lyla, to Lyla, my wife – I’ve been thinking about the right time to say it and I’ve been just processing it.
But I had a niece commit suicide a couple weeks ago. And what had happened was she has suffered from mental illness her whole life. And she’s my… was my sister’s daughter, and she was about ten years younger than I was, and she was a beautiful, vibrant person and… But she was always withdrawn from her family. In fact the last time that anyone in the family had seen her, including myself, was nine years ago when we buried my sister, her mother, and the whole family gathered for that. But she has been living away from the family without any interaction.
And I got a call from my nephew and it was… You could tell when he called me, he had the task of telling all family members including his own father about – and her name was Maudie – Maudie’s suicide. And what had happened is she had been living in Delaware for about three years. She had been renting a room from someone and she left one day and drove to a nature area where she liked to walk around. It was hiking trails and that, and it was one of her favorite places. And she was very organized. She left a note in her car addressed to the police, and I don’t know the exact details of the note. I haven’t heard from my nephew since he claimed the body, but it was very laid out about what she had intended to do, and that was to take her life. She shot herself in the head in this nature sanctuary.
And her landlady had reported her missing and then the last thing she did was send a cryptic message about a lock combination to my other niece, her sister. And that was very worrisome, just to get a text from Maudie that gave a locker combination. And that is exactly what it was. It was a combination to a little safe in the rear of her car that had her end-of-life instructions in it. So she was very professional about this in how she did it, so that there were… Her end of life instructions would have been read to her sister or her brother or both. The police knew exactly what was going on. And she tidied it all up.
The only issue is she took her life and we don’t have her any longer, and I guess you could say that it jolted me a bit. We were not – and I emphasize this – overly close. It wasn’t just me. As I mentioned, she hadn’t seen any of her family in nine years and I was never particularly close to her but we would always see each other. I’d see her at graduation or a birthday party or something like that, and she just was a vibrant young person, very attractive, very vibrant.
And to get this news, it just kind of stopped me in my tracks. And I just thought I’d lay that out there because it’s a… It’s… I’ve been methodically going through trauma, methodically going through my trauma starting with childhood and I just thought well, Elias, this is pretty traumatic for the family, obviously for her father who’s still alive, both her sister and her brother, and of course for her extended family members like myself and my sister, who would be her aunt. And I just wanted to say that I’m still processing it. I’m still going through the procedure of dealing with it. And I guess you could say the word would be jolted, right? I was jolted because it was a relative of mine and I’m just having, I wouldn’t say I’m having trouble but it’s just that you’ve been shocked and therefore there’s a shock to your system and you have to adjust to that.
So I’m going to shut up now and let you offer me any feedback that you feel I should have.
ELIAS: Other than shock, what are you feeling and experiencing?
JARED: Well first, a frustration because she was an ultra-stubborn person. That’s how her brother described her, so stubborn that she would not get a proper diagnosis on her mental illness and it affected her relationship with everybody. And so I was just a little frustrated that… that she couldn’t get the help she needed. (Pause) So that would be the first emotion—
ELIAS: Very well.
JARED: — is frustration that maybe it didn’t have to go this way. And I don’t like beat myself up but I think everybody in the family is thinking, you know, could they have done a little something to encourage her and that isn’t a strong feeling for me. It’s perhaps stronger for her siblings, her direct siblings. But we all as family members feel a little bit of gosh, I wish I could have done something that would have stopped that. So I guess a little bit of that, but the primary one would be frustration.
ELIAS: Very well. I’d say that it’s automatic, first of all, to move in the direction of thinking was there something you could have done differently that would have prevented this, and the answer to that question is absolutely no. And what I would also say is, this is a twofold situation in a manner of speaking. Meaning that everyone in association with their body consciousness has an aspect of the body that automatically moves in the direction of self-preservation and life. Therefore in that, suicide is not an easy choice because the body automatically will move in opposition to that and attempt to prevent it. Therefore generally speaking, most individuals that actually succeed with suicide have attempted it more than once and failed. And they become more adept with each attempt. They learn and they become more accurate with each attempt.
Now; in this also, that piece of self-preservation extends beyond that individual. It extends to all of the individuals around that individual. Because the idea of suicide is something that is very difficult for other people to accept, which is part of their own body consciousness expressing in opposition to that direction.
This is such a significant piece that this is something that has been woven into beliefs since long before the religious era. In this, it also invokes pieces within individuals of anger, unsettledness, overwhelm, because there’s no adequate method to understand and to be accepting of that. I would also say that there is a piece that people are not even objectively aware of that is somewhat off putting and even for some individuals can be scary, which is that this is the only action or method of death that creates an entirely different dynamic and paradigm in relation to what happens after the individual dies. Because they have made an intentional choice to end their life before their value fulfilment is complete. Therefore—
JARED: Before what? Elias, I’m sorry. Before what is complete?
ELIAS: Their value fulfillment.
JARED: Oh. Thank you.
ELIAS: Every individual that manifests in a physical reality – it doesn’t matter what physical reality it is – but every individual that enters into a physical reality with that experience of the physical reality does so with the awareness that they are engaging that physical reality for an experience, or for many experiences, and that they are expressing a value fulfillment in doing so. And when their value fulfillment is complete, and that could be three minutes after they’re born or it could be when they are a hundred and twelve, but when their value fulfillment is complete they will disengage – except in the situations of suicide. That is different because that is an intentional choice to end an individual’s life before their value fulfillment is complete.
Now; that isn’t simply difficult or perhaps challenging for the individual that (inaudible) act of suicide. It’s also difficult for all of the individuals around that individual or that knew them or that was connected with them objectively. And in that, it can be significantly challenging to the people that are remaining in physical focus because then you are left with many questions: What could I have done differently? Why did this individual do this? What was happening with this individual that they would move in that direction? The questions go on and on and on.
And what I would say to you in that is that first of all, you cannot know what the other individual was experiencing that led them in that direction. That’s the first piece, because it’s highly personal and it’s about this person, in very simple terms, could not create any type of coping mechanism that would allow them to experience the feeling of safety even in part. And therefore being in that constant state of unsafe led them in the direction of this choice.
And I would say that many, many, many people that move in the direction of suicide have become very good at masks and therefore that’s another piece that confuses the people around them, because it serves to express a picture of the individual that’s inconsistent with the act of suicide. But the reason for that is because they already don’t feel safe and they don’t believe that anyone understands or would understand, and therefore they learn how to wear a mask that is acceptable to other people and then move in their direction at some point and create this act.
Now; what I would say to you, it is what is important is that you are addressing to this now and therefore not allowing it to become a trauma that you have to go through and move and do all of that addressing-to. You don’t have to do that when it is a trauma that is in this present time framework, because you can address to it now.
And the first part is to walk towards the fear. Trauma always involves fear. Therefore it’s a matter of looking at that. The advantage that you have now is that you’re not a small one and in a manner of speaking you’re not at the mercy of other people or adults, because you are an adult. And in that, it’s simply a matter first of instead of moving away from the subject and moving away from the fear, it’s a matter of looking at the situation, looking at what you feel. And what does that bring up to you? What memories does it touch? What fear does it touch? And then allowing yourself to walk towards that fear, because you know that one, fear is always an anticipation. It’s not now. And two, that this is not something that you have to be afraid of, because you’re not choosing it. You’re making choices every day and you’re making choices to not move in that direction. Therefore that first piece that involves fear can be addressed to very quickly and now, because you can recognize that this is not a direction that you would be choosing. She chose it. You don’t necessarily know or understand why she chose it, and that’s acceptable. You don’t have to know. You don’t have to understand. But that you can accept that this was her choice, but it’s not yours. Therefore you take away the threat, because suicide is a threat to almost everyone.
Then, once you have walked towards the fear and you can evaluate that and not be afraid, a second piece is to recognize that you don’t have to understand to be accepting. You can accept that this was her choice. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to agree with it. You don’t have to understand it. But you can accept that this was this individual’s choice. And let me say to you, that might sound somewhat silly because you might think to yourself, “Well, I have to accept it. She did it.” No. You don’t have to accept it, and there are people that won’t. and they’ll fight with it and they’ll be miserable and angry and hateful because they aren’t accepting. And that’s something that you do to yourself.
Acceptance isn’t for the other person, and it’s not about the other person either. It’s about you and for you. It doesn’t matter to the other individual now that they’re dead whether you accept their choice or not. It has no relevance to them, but it has a great deal of relevance to you. And in that, it’s a choice of whether you can accept that this is something that this individual chose or are you going to fight with that and hold on to that and therefore make your life miserable because you can’t accept it.
Many individuals for a time framework, usually parents, have a great deal of difficulty with that piece of acceptance and many of them don’t for a considerable time framework, some for many years. Therefore that’s the second piece that is part of the process.
Now; it’s also important in processing that you recognize that there are different expressions that you will experience that are simply natural, that come from not understanding and struggling with that piece of acceptance. And that will be expressed in generally anger and frustration, and it’s important for you to allow that, that that is entirely natural and acceptable and that it’s part of the process.
It’s also important to acknowledge the loss. Even if you weren’t close, that doesn’t mean that this type of loss isn’t impactful. It is. Therefore that’s another important piece of this process.
It’s also important to, in a manner of speaking, reach out to the other individuals that have been affected. Allow yourself to express yourself and to listen to them. This is important because it gives all of you an outlet in relation to how this event has impacted you and in what degrees. And even if the degree of your impact is much less than someone else’s, you offer them a gift by listening and they offer you a gift by connecting. Therefore this is also an important part of the process in relation to this particular type of event.
Do you have other questions in relation to this?
JARED: Actually no questions, but everything you’ve just said has made perfect sense. One of the things that the family is doing is they’re sending… They’ll probably have a Zoom call over this, over Maudie’s death, but they’ve… What we have is a sort of email group chat and back and forth, back and forth, people have been making comments, and that—
ELIAS: Did she have children?
JARED: She did not. She did not. She was alone her whole life. Other than a handful of relationships, she was mainly by herself her whole life. And—
ELIAS: Very well.
JARED: So the people she was closest to – and again, she hadn’t seen her brother or her sister in nine years, or me – were her brother and sister. But I don’t have any particular questions, since you’ve done such a great job covering it. I will—
ELIAS: How did you…? Let me ask you this: how did you make an association and with what in relation to yourself and your experiences?
JARED: Well, it… I did have one prior experience with someone who had committed suicide. It was a young man, and I think I’ll answer your question. It was a young man. This was about thirty years ago. And I was out of college about four or five years and I was just at a public park in Durham, North Carolina, playing in some pickup basketball games. And there was one player who was a very, very fine player and clearly was the best player on the court. And after the game, I just asked him. I said, “What’s your deal?” And he said, “Well, I’m still in high school.” And I was a little surprised and I said, “Well, you’re going to play obviously in college, right?” Because he was so talented. And he said, “Well yeah, but I’m really not sure where I’m going to go.”
And not wasting a minute, I recruited him to go to my college and I said, “Well, you know I think you might enjoy, if you’re interested in playing basketball and getting a good education, go to the school I went to.” And he actually ended up doing just that, and he set all sorts of records as a freshman. He set all sorts of rush scoring records and he was probably the best player in the history of the college. But he had also signed up for engineering, which is a very difficult subject and it was very difficult for him, being a star athlete and a start student. He was both. When he signed up for engineering and had to take the very heavy math and science and calculus courses, it was like a whirlwind to him. And even though he had had this great freshman year, he was about to be suspended for academic underperformance. And instead of just changing a major, not being an engineer, something that he could more readily handle, it was the worst shock. He simply decided, as entering his sophomore year, he took a car and put an exhaust, put a hose on the exhaust pipe and killed himself that way, in the very beginning of his sophomore year.
So it was a giant shock to the whole college community. I remember going down to North Carolina for his memorial service because I wasn’t living there. I had moved from North Carolina after I’d recruited him. So to answer your question, her, Maudie’s suicide evoked memories of this first suicide. His name was Dylan, is Dylan. So it made me realize – and I think you use the word “overwhelm,” I use the word “jolt” – how it is so overwhelming. It is a jolt. And I’m so appreciative of you going through the process of where I have to accept it and don’t have to like it, but have to accept it. So I hope that answered your question, unless I misunderstood. It immediately evoked another person who I was somewhat close to and took his life. He was nineteen. I don’t even think he was twenty, whereas Maudie was in her fifties. So it was a difference in terms of age, but it immediately brought that to mind.
ELIAS: And what did you feel when that memory was touched?
JARED: (Pause) Boy, I’d have to think about that. You had used the word “fear,” and I hadn’t really thought of it that way, but a lack of comfort so strong that it would be fear.
ELIAS: Understandable.
JARED: And I never really—
ELIAS: And—
JARED: — thought of it as fear, to tell you the truth. I just thought of it as frustration, but I think that’s a better way of putting it for sure, Elias, your definition.
ELIAS: I would say that it’s a matter of allowing yourself at this point to feel that also. When people move in this direction of suicide, the people that remain in physical focus will have reactions to that in relation to their own experiences pastly. Not necessarily other suicides. Sometimes it will be associated with that, and that is the time to allow yourself to address that also. Therefore you’re not carrying that with you any longer. Because you don’t realize many times the energy that you’re carrying with you or how it affects your behavior, but it does.
And in that, let me express to you as a very simple example with this, carrying the energy of a suicide that you don’t even realize that you’re carrying can be expressed in behaviors of anger. And what it does is it exacerbates that or intensifies it, and you don’t even realize that that is happening because you’re not aware of carrying that energy. Therefore in that, I would say that it could also be expressed in an automatic turning away or running away from something that is uncomfortable.
Therefore when some experience such as this is presented and you have an automatic association with it, it is also an opportunity for you to look at that other experience in addition to this experience and allow yourself to do the same thing, in that process that I outlined for you.
JARED: Hm. I see.
ELIAS: And therefore then be done with it, and not be carrying that energy with you any longer. (Pause)
JARED: I understand completely, Elias.
ELIAS: Excellent.
JARED: May I switch the subject?
ELIAS: Yes.
JARED: And thank you. Thank you for that very detailed answer and response, and especially the association I had with Dylan, the first suicide. I had never thought about going through the process you outlined for him as well. And it really is sort of shocking how… It’s simple, but it’s still shocking about how that could have been a source of anger for me. I’m sure it was. I’m sure it is.
ELIAS: Yes.
JARED: And the intensity of that. And I’m sure it—
ELIAS: Because that is a part of the processing.
(Audio ends after 42 minutes)
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