Ending a Nonbeneficial Relationship
Topics:
“Ending a Nonbeneficial Relationship”
“You Get to Choose”
“Visiting the Faerie Dimension”
Saturday, June 24, 2023 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Jessie (Anibeth)
ELIAS: Good morning!
JESSIE: Hello, Elias.
ELIAS: (Laughs) And what shall we discuss?
JESSIE: I want to spend a lot of time talking about my relationship, but I want to start out with a few other questions.
ELIAS: Very well.
JESSIE: My dad, who you know, is curious about my mom’s stats. He thinks she’s soft, possibly Sumari-aligned, I don’t know about the family, thought focused. Any of that correct?
ELIAS: All of that is correct.
JESSIE: Okay.
ELIAS: And the belonging family (pause), Milumet.
JESSIE: Oh! Like me. Oh wait.
ELIAS: Ah.
JESSIE: Okay. And her essence name?
ELIAS: One moment. (Pause) Essence name: Portia (PORT-tee-ah), P-O-R-T-I-A.
JESSIE: Oh, okay, thank you. He is also wondering if you could just validate for him or if you have a quick comment. He thinks that he has improved in trusting, flow and acceptance. Would you agree?
ELIAS: I would agree. I would express congratulations. I know that it’s challenging for him and that sometimes he fluctuates, but I would definitely agree that he has moved in a direction of some significant improvement, yes.
JESSIE: Okay. Thank you.
I want to ask briefly about when my daughter was born two years ago. Her umbilical cord ripped as they were bringing her to my chest, and I was kind of curious, like maybe it’s simply just like a weak spot in the cord? Or is there any symbolic factor? I was thinking because she was born Juneteenth, which celebrates the freedom and emancipation for slaves in our country, and I thought maybe that ties in with independence and her just being a very independent –
ELIAS: I would very much agree. I would very much agree. And I would say that beyond that, she also has several focuses as slaves in your country. Therefore, there are no coincidences, my friend.
JESSIE: Yeah, that’s so interesting. I just thought of that the other day. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before, but yeah, it’s pretty cool. (Elias chuckles) Okay. So thank you for that.
ELIAS: You are very welcome.
JESSIE: Okay, another thing I wanted to ask: I don’t want to go too deep into it, but since I was little I could see like these very little sparkles, kind of. I don’t know how else to describe it. But is this simply a visual thing that my eyes are creating, or am I seeing some type of energy, or what?
ELIAS: What you’re doing is, you are seeing other energies. Remember: All dimensions occupy the same space arrangement. Usually you don’t see them and you aren’t aware of them, but in that, what I would say to you is you’re connecting with the fae dimension.
JESSIE: The what dimension? Fae?
ELIAS: Fae. Yes.
JESSIE: Like “fairy”?
ELIAS: Yes.
JESSIE: Oh! Cool. Is there anything I could do with that? Or just keep… I mean, I hadn’t had much interest in that until recently, but just like –
ELIAS: I would say you can engage two different actions. One is when it happens, you can relax into that and allow yourself to naturally move into a visualization, and that will allow you to connect with that dimension in a manner that will allow you to see them. And then you can also move in a direction of expressing that intentionally rather than simply waiting for that to happen visually.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: You can actually move in a direction intentionally in which you are engaging that dimension yourself.
Now, in that, you can either do that through a meditation or through a visualization. Either one will yield the same results. And in that, what I would suggest is that you engage one of two actions, or you can do both. In this, either move in a direction of finding one of your own focuses in that dimension and begin with that, connecting with that and moving in an expression of giving yourself information about that focus, and/or you can move in a direction of finding another individual that knows you in that dimension.
In either capacity, that gives you, in a manner of speaking, a type of touchstone in which you have some expression to begin with, and that can lead you in a direction in which you can then be experiencing more of the direction and experiences and culture of different individuals in that dimension, rather than simply attempting to find something. Because there are more than one group or culture in that dimension, just as there are in your dimension, and therefore that could be somewhat confusing or overwhelming to simply attempt to find anything in that dimension.
JESSIE: Okay. Okay, I’ll play with that. (Pause) Can you hear me?
ELIAS: Yes.
JESSIE: Oh, okay. Last question before – maybe we’ll get some more asked later at the end, but we’ll see. I want to ask about a dream I had last night. I was going to ask about a hummingbird dream I had like two to three nights ago, but then I had this dream and so I want to ask about it. What I remember… Well, it was about I had lice, the little bugs in my hair, which is a little bit of a fear of mine. And I remember in the dream I kind of like popped or killed one of them. I was looking in the mirror at one point kind of looking for some, and I was also thinking about how much laundry I was going to have to do and so much cleaning and it was just going to be such a big ordeal. I don’t really remember too much else, details, but can you say anything about that?
ELIAS: It’s a dream about being overwhelmed.
JESSIE: Okay.
ELIAS: It’s symbolic imagery about being overwhelmed and being somewhat daunted by that, and not liking it.
JESSIE: Okay. Yeah. Well, that makes sense. (Laughs) I already knew that. (Elias laughs) Okay, thank you.
So I guess we’ll talk about me and my partner right now. Basically, I think I’m complicating things and confusing myself, so I have a lot to say and it might kind of come out in all different, non-related-seeming ways, but –
ELIAS: That is acceptable.
JESSIE: Thank you. So okay, there is a part of me that feels like I just want to leave the relationship, but then there’s another part of me that’s like well, I’m focusing and paying attention to what I don’t like about him or the relationship. So there’s that which is confusing me.
ELIAS: How is it confusing you?
JESSIE: Because I feel like if I can stop paying attention to what I don’t like and pay attention to what I do like, then things would get better. But then again, I’m not sure if I want it to get better with him. So I’m just very… I don’t know. I’m confused. (Laughs)
ELIAS: Very well.
JESSIE: And also, I… I realize that the relationship feels… Well, we haven’t really put in any work, so how could I know what it could be like? So I’m trying to stay open to different possibilities, and maybe that’s what’s stopping me from picking a direction.
ELIAS: Very well. Anything else?
JESSIE: Not at the moment. (Laughs)
ELIAS: Very well.
Now; let me ask you, how long have you been in this situation?
JESSIE: Oh, well… It definitely intensified after my daughter was born, I think, but there was… there was always a part of me that had certain feelings that I suppressed.
ELIAS: What types of feelings?
JESSIE: Um… Feeling, I don’t know, unhappy in the relationship or like I’m not getting what I need.
ELIAS: Very well.
JESSIE: I feel very disconnected from him, I’ll say.
ELIAS: Very well. And other than being very disconnected, what is it that you want that you’re not receiving?
JESSIE: Other than that, um… I would like more affection, showing any interest in me (laughs), communication – which, I’m not giving these things back either, but it feels so hard to do.
ELIAS: Are there any interests that you share?
JESSIE: Um… Besides our kids? (Laughs) Um… I feel like not anymore. I can’t think of any.
ELIAS: What did you share in the beginning?
JESSIE: Initially I think he liked that I used to play soccer, but I’m not really into soccer anymore. (Pause) I don’t know. I’m having a hard time remembering what our similar interests were.
ELIAS: How long has it been since you’ve shared similar interests?
JESSIE: Are you trying to point out that we don’t have similar interests? (Laughs)
ELIAS: I would say, I don’t have to point that out.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: You already know that, and I’m simply asking how long it’s been since you engaged anything together.
JESSIE: Um… We’ve gone out to dinner. I like going out to dinner. I don’t know that HE necessarily likes going out to dinner, but that was quite a few months ago. (Pause) Um… Yeah. I don’t know. I feel like if it’s something I like to do, he doesn’t necessarily enjoy it that much but he’s just doing it to be nice or because he feels like he has to.
ELIAS: Now for the difficult questions. What is it that you want? Do you want to continue with this relationship, or do you not want to continue with this relationship? – not what SHOULD you do. I’m not asking you what you think you should do; I’m asking you what you want.
JESSIE: (Sighs) I think my initial response would be that I don’t want to, but –
ELIAS: No buts! This is not a question that you’re being graded on. This is simply a matter of you being genuine with yourself.
JESSIE: (Emotionally) I know, I was just going to say that I’m scared.
ELIAS: And that’s understandable. That’s VERY understandable, that this is one of the main reasons that people remain together in relationships, is because they’re afraid.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: They’re afraid to disengage with their partner. They’re afraid of what direction that will lead them in. They’re afraid that they can’t sustain themselves. They’re afraid that they won’t be able to find another partner. They’re afraid that they’ll be judged. They’re afraid of many, many different things. And what I would say to you, my dear friend, is what’s important for you to know – now – is that remaining in a relationship that you don’t want to be in because of fear merely prolongs the inevitable.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: Because if you’re not satisfied, if you’re not content, if you’re not happy in a relationship, and if you find yourself in a situation in which you keep thinking about different aspects of your partner in what you wish they would do different or what you wish they would do or stop doing, the relationship is definitely moving in a direction of not continuing.
And in that, what I would say to you, my friend, is that what’s important for you and for your family is that both of you can be genuine with each other and recognize that you’re not helping each other.
JESSIE: Yeah. That’s obvious.
ELIAS: And in that, the longer that you prolong the inevitable and the situation, the more damage that you do to yourself and your children. But you do tremendous damage to yourselves, which then makes it harder for you to move in a direction of engaging a successful relationship with a new partner. It’s not that you can’t; of course you can, but it simply is more difficult, because you keep adding to the difficulty and you keep adding to the situation of hurt, discounting, by remaining in a relationship that you don’t want to be in.
JESSIE: And I’m aware that I am discounting myself and not putting myself in the primary position like we talked about last time. But would you say that since we last spoke that I’ve been moving closer to being able to end the relationship?
ELIAS: Definitely, or we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
JESSIE: Yeah. Yeah, I think last time we spoke I could barely admit that I was unhappy with it.
ELIAS: Correct. And you were defending and justifying.
JESSIE: Mm-hm. I’ve also been talking with more people openly about it, which has felt better. I don’t know why I always felt so much shame.
ELIAS: (Slowly and clearly) There is no thing to be shameful about, my friend. Don’t do that to yourself. There is no reason for you to be expressing anything in relation to shame. And in that, I would say that you have moved in your directions because you thought that what you were doing was right. And then it is a matter of recognizing that many times what you think is right is simply what you’ve been taught, and you know, but that doesn’t mean that it is actually (laughs) right. And beyond that, it doesn’t matter anyway because what is right in its essence anyway? It’s simply a matter of your own guidelines and your own direction. In that, what is right for you is not necessarily right for someone else, and what is right for someone else isn’t necessarily right for you.
Therefore, it’s a matter of paying attention to you and recognizing that your greatest gift, my friend, and your right, is choice. In that, you are directing of you, therefore you get to choose what you want and what is comfortable and beneficial to you. And you get to choose that in relation to NOT choosing what is uncomfortable and not beneficial to you.
JESSIE: Right.
ELIAS: Therefore I would say, my friend, that there is no shame in moving in a direction of honoring yourself.
JESSIE: I know. I know that, but it was a long time of living a certain way.
ELIAS: Yes, and that happens. And then, in a manner of speaking, you wake up.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: And you realize that you’re not happy and that you’re not moving in a direction of what is your greatest benefit. And then from that point, it still takes time before you can give yourself permission to actually move in the direction of what IS to your benefit and what DOES make you happy.
And in that, what I would say to you is, the most important factor in all of this is that your health is contingent on your well-being.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: They move hand in glove. And therefore, if your health is important to you – which it should be – then it’s a matter of recognizing that your health is not going to be at its optimum if you are unhappy.
JESSIE: Right.
ELIAS: Because that is your well-being part, and they are hand in glove with each other. And in that, I would say that it’s very important.
And if you’re not happy, remember: Relationships are not one person. Therefore in that, regardless of whether the other person expresses that they want to continue in a relationship, they are participating in creating the situation if one individual is dissatisfied. It is never only one person that is moving in the direction of dissolving a relationship. Both –
JESSIE: Yeah. Can I…?
ELIAS: Yes.
JESSIE: Can I ask? I have kind of realized and told myself, which makes me feel a little better, that his actions are not showing that he wants to continue the relationship either. Would you agree?
ELIAS: I would.
JESSIE: Okay.
ELIAS: I would say that he may disagree with that initially – although he may not. He might be genuine, and he might express the same as yourself. I’m merely expressing to you that there is a possibility that initially he would disagree, but I would say that he would also express that eventually, because he’s not satisfied either.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: And –
JESSIE: [Inaudible]
ELIAS: Continue.
JESSIE: You could finish what you were going to say.
ELIAS: I would merely express that it’s important for yourselves, and it’s important as parents that you are expressing a healthy example.
JESSIE: Right. I know. (Sighs) Okay. I know.
So two other questions, while I think of them. One was, I was thinking of trying to use a therapist to kind of lead us in the direction of ending the relationship, but I’ve kind of blocked that from happening so far. But do you think that would be an option? I guess my fear was that if we did therapy, it would somehow, like, try to make it better, and that’s not the direction I want to go.
ELIAS: That generally is the direction of a therapist, is to attempt to fix it.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: And that generally doesn’t yield what the ideal is.
JESSIE: Mm-hm.
ELIAS: Generally speaking, if individuals are at the point in which they are seeking therapy for a relationship that is not proceeding well, they may engage a time framework in which they will attempt to change behaviors, but ultimately it will end the same. It’s merely a matter of – once again – prolonging the inevitable; the reason being that people don’t change behaviors for each other.
JESSIE: Right.
ELIAS: They simply don’t. People change behavior because something changes within them and makes something become important to them. But in that, this is one of the reasons that relationships don’t continue, is because what is important to one individual isn’t important to the other individual. And it’s not that that’s bad or wrong; it’s just differences. And in that, an individual may express attempting to make something important to themself because it’s important to their partner, because they care about their partner, but it won’t last, because it’s not important to them, and within a very short amount of time, they’ll forget. Because people don’t pay attention to what isn’t important to them.
JESSIE: Right.
ELIAS: It’s not that the PEOPLE aren’t important to them, it’s that different subjects aren’t important to them. And in that, that is a piece that becomes a bone of contention, because people automatically move in the direction of thinking that “the other individual should express in a certain manner if they love me.” No, that is very, very incorrect. An individual can care about another individual and can even love them, and that isn’t enough to change their behavior.
JESSIE: Yes. I know that. Can I ask you about a logistical question?
ELIAS: Yes.
JESSIE: So, financially I feel like I’m not really ready at the moment to be on my own because I’ve been a stay-at-home mom. I don’t have a lot of my own savings. We don’t have child care for our daughter, so it would just be… I mean, I guess I would figure it out, but…
ELIAS: I would say it’s very understandable that that is scary about not having the financial ability – for a time – to entirely support yourself. And what I would say is, it is not unreasonable to engage a realistic conversation with your partner and express that you require help, and that you would require his financial support in helping you, and that that’s actually no different than what he’s already engaging.
JESSIE: (Laughs) I know. For some reason, I feel like I wouldn’t want to ask too much of him financially because he’s already like… He’s supporting us in that way.
ELIAS: He’s already supporting you.
JESSIE: Yes, so it wouldn’t really change.
ELIAS: Correct. Correct. Therefore in that, it’s not actually that he would be engaging anything different except that it would be separated.
JESSIE: Yeah. I feel like –
ELIAS: But other – Continue.
JESSIE: I was just going to say once my daughter’s in preschool, when she’s 3, then I would be able to work more – unless we found a daycare, which we didn’t want her to go to daycare fulltime. That’s why I stayed home.
ELIAS: I understand.
JESSIE: Yeah. I’m just thinking… Yeah.
ELIAS: And in that, [audio cut off]
JESSIE: What?
ELIAS: The two of you can discuss the subject in relation to what you want to do and what is acceptable to both of you. And you are correct that potentially you can move in a direction in which you will be much more self-sufficient and expressing much more of your… autonomy, let us say. But with time, it may – [audio cut off]
JESSIE: You’re breaking up a little bit. I don’t know if it’s from all the rain. I’m sitting in my car.
ELIAS: Ah.
JESSIE: Can you hear me?
ELIAS: I would say that it’s simply a matter of recognizing that for a time, it’s not actually financially going to be much different than it already is.
JESSIE: Okay. And I do have a relative that if I really had to, I could ask to borrow money. But it’s… Yeah, it has gotten better, asking for help.
ELIAS: Ah! That’s actually excellent. It’s important to actually allow yourself to receive and to know that there is nothing wrong with that.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: And that you’re not failing because you are receiving.
JESSIE: Right. Um, so I guess it just seems like him and I just need to have some difficult conversations, is all.
ELIAS: I would say rather than thinking of it in terms of difficult conversations, I would encourage you to begin thinking about it in relation to being important conversations and beneficial conversations. That –
JESSIE: Okay. That’s helpful.
ELIAS: Because in that, it IS important and it’s definitely beneficial, and it’s beneficial for all of you.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: Therefore it is a matter of recognizing that yes, it’s about the two of you, but it’s also about more than the two of you.
JESSIE: Yeah, I know.
ELIAS: That –
JESSIE: Thank you, Elias. Yeah. Um… I don’t want my kids to end up in… I mean, obviously I can’t make their choices, but as an influence, I don’t want them to end up in my situation.
ELIAS: Correct. Correct. You want to set an example for your children in relation to them being healthy and moving in the direction of finding partners that are complements.
JESSIE: Right.
ELIAS: Not simply engaging in relationships because they have a temporary attraction.
JESSIE: Right.
ELIAS: But that they are actually finding individuals that are genuine complements to them that will then create a successful lasting relationship.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: And one that is beneficial to them, and EDIFYING to them.
JESSIE: Right. I know. (Laughs) And for myself maybe someday.
ELIAS: Most definitely! That’s part OF the example.
JESSIE: I know.
ELIAS: It’s not simply disengaging from a relationship that ISN’T a complement; it’s also about moving in the direction of generating a relationship that IS a complement.
JESSIE: Mm-hm. Okay, thank you, Elias.
Before time runs out, I wanted to ask, can you give me an example of ways that throughout my day I am, like, living “not enough,” or like a way that I’m not realizing…? Do you know what I’m trying to ask?
ELIAS: I would say this is actually not as difficult as you might think. And what I would say to you is, take two days – that’s all; that’s all that’s necessary. Engage two days. You begin today. Therefore for today and for tomorrow, pay attention to what you’re thinking and what you’re doing. Pay attention to any moment in which you think you don’t have enough time, or you don’t have enough support, or you don’t have enough patience, or that your children are not giving you enough space.
JESSIE: (Laughs) Gee.
ELIAS: Or that you look in your kitchen and your refrigerator or your freezer and there’s something – anything, it doesn’t matter what it is; there’s not enough milk, there’s not enough ice cubes – it doesn’t matter what it is.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: And in that moment, catch yourself. It doesn’t matter what it is that is happening. And sometimes not enough is expressed in somewhat insidious ways. These are the obvious directions that I’ve been expressing, but sometimes it’s somewhat insidious, that you want something for one of your children and you think you can’t do it. Or, that you’re expressing looking at something that you like but you automatically dismiss it, that you are simply fantasizing that you would like this, but it’s frivolous: “I’d like that piece of furniture. I love that design and I would like that piece of furniture, but it’s simply fantasy. I’m simply daydreaming about it.” That also –
JESSIE: Should I think something different? Or should I just stop the thought, or just notice the thought?
ELIAS: What I would say is for this two days, simply notice how many times and how many things fall into that category of not enough.
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: That begins to familiarize yourself with it, and then you begin to actually pay attention.
Now; after two days of noticing, then I would say – and this you can actually play a game with your children if you are so choosing – that every time you move in the direction of not enough, that you put a quarter in a jar.
JESSIE: Mm. I’ll have to get some quarters. (Laughs)
ELIAS: And in that, I would say you can give some of the quarters to your children and you can express to them, “Whenever you see mommy being not enough, you tell me and give me a quarter.”
JESSIE: Yeah.
ELIAS: And then you can put the quarter in the jar.
JESSIE: Okay.
ELIAS: Or you can simply do it yourself.
JESSIE: All right. I’ll try that. I have trouble with the other exercise of “Who do I want to be today?” I just can’t remember throughout the day. I just am not present enough, I guess. I can only –
ELIAS: That is never a [inaudible] being present and about being now. That is more difficult when you are preoccupied with your situation and being unhappy with it and continuing to move in a direction of avoiding it. That makes it much more difficult to engage that exercise. I would say that –
JESSIE: Okay, well maybe that’s for a future exercise. (Laughs)
ELIAS: I would say that once you move in the direction of addressing to your situation that then it will be a benefit to engage that exercise.
JESSIE: Yeah. Okay.
So, earlier you said, “Your greatest gift is choice,” but I didn’t know if you just meant that in the context of what you were talking about. But I was going to ask you, what is my greatest gift?
ELIAS: (Pause) For you, individually, I would say your greatest gift is your capacity to see the… gifts, let us say, of other people. I’m not going to say “potential,” because many people have many potentials that they never use. But, in this I would say that your gift is to be able to see the gifts that other people have, and to be encouraging, because you are a very naturally encouraging individual.
JESSIE: Okay. Do you think that makes it easier for me to accept differences in people?
ELIAS: Yes.
JESSIE: Okay. Okay. Um… All right, I guess… Well, thank you for telling me that. It’s nice to know.
ELIAS: You are very welcome.
JESSIE: Maybe I will ask about the hummingbird dream. I’ll tell you what I remember of it. I think I was in my parents’ house, the house I grew up in, but I’m not positive. But I noticed there was a hummingbird flying around the house and around me. I could feel it buzzing. I think at one point it drank some nectar.
[The timer for the end of the session rings]
And then it… I was able to get it outside. I can’t remember how. And it landed on my shoulder, and I was trying to have someone take a picture, and that’s pretty much what I remember. But I do remember feeling a buzzing or like an energy or something of the hummingbird.
ELIAS: I would say to you that that was your imagery that you were generating. It wasn’t actually the energy of a hummingbird that you were feeling. It was energy of this other dimension that you were feeling, but you were translating it into the imagery of the hummingbird.
JESSIE: Are you talking about the fae dimension?
ELIAS: Yes.
JESSIE: Oh. Okay.
ELIAS: Therefore, I would say you’re getting closer.
JESSIE: (Laughs) All right! (Both laugh) How cute that for my daughter’s first birthday I had a theme and it was her “’fairy’ first birthday.”
ELIAS: (Laughs) I would say, quite clever, my friend. (Laughs)
JESSIE: Maybe we have some focuses together in that faerie dimension.
ELIAS: Yes, you do. (Laughs) I would say that is quite clever. (Chuckles)
JESSIE: Okay. Elias, the timer went off but I just… Yeah. Thank you for talking with me and I feel less confused. (Laughs)
ELIAS: You are exceptionally welcome, and I am tremendously offering my energy in support. I am always, always with you.
JESSIE: Thank you.
ELIAS: You are very welcome.
Until our next meeting, my dear friend, in tremendous love and great encouragement to you, and a great expression of bravery –
JESSIE: Thank you.
ELIAS: I express to you dear friendship. Au revoir!
JESSIE: Goodbye!
(Elias departs after 1 hour 1 minute)
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