Who Do I want to Be; Anger, Frustration and Disassociation
Topics:
“Instructions for the Who Do I Want to Be Today Exercise”
“Dealing with Frustration and Anger”
“Disassociation”
Wednesday, May 17, 2023 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Lynda (Ruther) for Zoé (Tya)
ELIAS: Good morning!
LYNDA: Good morning. We’re going to finish Zoe’s seventeen minutes. And here we go, on May 17th, 2023:
“Dear Elias, I'm feeling MUCH better. I practice being present and letting more into my flow. It works better some days than others. But I notice that it is easier for me to cope with my everyday life. I meditate regularly and have started exercising again. And I pay a lot of attention to my self-communication. And I notice that I can catch myself better and better when I start having doubts or when I'm anxious or frustrated.
I think I'm on the right track. Would you agree?”
ELIAS: Yes.
LYNDA: Okay. Number 2:
“I find the Who do you want to be today? exercise quite challenging. It kind of started to stress me, because I find it very difficult to do it all day in every situation. Sometimes I even forget the word I chose. so I stopped doing it recently. But I want to start practicing again anyway.
I thought, maybe you could give me examples of words that are especially beneficial to me. I think that might be helpful as well.”
ELIAS: (Pause) It’s actually a matter of genuinely thinking about who do you want to be today, therefore thinking about what are qualities that you perhaps admire in other people. What are ideals that you value? What is important to you, in relation to behaviors in general? Therefore in that, evaluating and assessing what types of things are important to you as a person. What types of behaviors and expressions do you want to cultivate in yourself, do you want to develop in yourself? Perhaps make a list of things that you value, expressions that you want to develop in yourself and behaviors that you think are perhaps admirable.
And in that, after you make a list of all of the things that you value, the behaviors that you admire or that you want to express yourself or that you want to develop yourself, that perhaps you don’t perceive you’re very good at yet, and in that, then look at your list and determine perhaps several words for each thing on your list that are associated with that behavior, with that expression. In this, it’s a matter of remembering that this exercise is about paying attention to how you interact with everything else, how you interact with everything in your world: other people, other things, anything. This exercise is about how do you want to engage with other people, how do you want to engage with other things. Think about different situations that perhaps you lose your temper with, if there’s something that frustrates you and you have a tendency to lose your temper or become irritated and you would be happier if you didn’t do that or if you could express differently. Or that you simply want to express more effectively in certain capacities.
One of the words that I generally offer to most people is “I want to be listening today.” This isn’t listening to yourself. This is listening to other people, listening to whatever is happening around you. It doesn’t have to be in relation to other people if you’re not interacting with other people. Therefore it could be listening to sounds in your environment, paying more attention to what’s happening around you. And what are the sounds around you in your environment? Being more aware of where you are and what you’re in the midst of. And in relation to other people, genuinely listening to them. Not interjecting. Not anticipating, but genuinely being quiet in yourself and listening to what the other individuals are saying. That’s one example.
In this, it’s basically about any of your behaviors that you wish were different or that you want to develop in some different capacity. What is it that would be an expression that would make you comfortable with you and make you happy with you, in relation to how you interface with your world? Because you don’t live in a cave. You do interact with other people. You do interact with other things. And therefore it’s a matter of recognizing what will lead you in the direction of genuine contentment by developing something in your own behaviors, in your own choices.
And in that, it’s not something that should necessarily be a chore, because it’s something that you want to do anyway. It’s something that you want to be. That’s the whole point in the question: who do I WANT to be? Who do I want to be today? Therefore when you rise in the morning, what strikes you that day? What strikes you in that morning? What would you like to be?
It's a matter of recognizing that every day, every day of your life, you get to be whoever you want to be. You get to be that. Therefore it’s something that is encouraging and exciting and developing that contentment in your life, not something that is a chore.
In this, I would say that if you are writing down the things that are important to you and that you admire and that you want to develop within yourself, you should be able to attach several words to each idea and each direction. And in that, you can cycle through all of these different words. You can choose the words that are important to you.
LYNDA: That’s wonderful. Thank you.
“I wanted to ask you about my anger. Do you mean my frustration as well or do you mean something more specific by anger?”
ELIAS: Anger is what you feel when you don’t think you have any choices, when you don’t know what your choices are. You’re not aware of your choices and therefore in a situation, you become angry. You have a conflict with another individual and they say or do something and it makes you angry. The reason you’re angry is because you’re in a position in which you don’t know what to do. Therefore the only thing that you can do is react, because you don’t know what to do. You don’t know what your choices are.
You don’t think about all of that because it’s all reaction. And what happens in that is the only thing that you actually engage, other than being angry, is usually begin defensive, in which you blame someone else or something else and you feel defensive and you justify yourself. In that, you’re doing that because you don’t know what else to do. You don’t know what your choices are, to move forward in a productive and beneficial capacity.
I would say that what I was addressing to you was both the frustration and anger. They’re very close in expressions. The difference is that with frustration, generally eventually you will arrive at some choice. You will give yourself some recognition of some choice, a solution. It may require some time, but you generally will give yourself some type of a solution. In this, this is the reason that – or one of the reasons – that it is so important to pause and in that, think about what is the feeling that you’re engaging, identify it as frustration or anger, and then to be able to turn your attention to what you are doing. If you are frustrated, what you’re doing is you’re fixated on one direction and you keep repeating one direction. Which then interrupts your ability to give yourself an answer. And therefore, what are you doing? You’re repeating.
What you’re doing is generally very simple. It’s not a complicated answer. It’s a one-sentence statement in relation to what you’re doing. If you’re angry, it’s a matter of recognizing you’re not seeing your choices. Either situation, the first action to do is stop. If you’re frustrated, stop paying attention to whatever it is that’s frustrating you and do something different. And then you can come back to that subject later and likely will give yourself an answer. If you’re angry, it’s a matter of stopping and, in a manner of speaking, asking yourself, “What is making this intensity?”
[The timer for the end of the session rings]
ELIAS: “What am I doing that is creating the intensity in what I’m feeling?” First of all, it’s generally your attention is completely outside of yourself and fixed on something or someone else. And in that, you’re definitely in the mode of blaming. Blame doesn’t serve anyone. Therefore it’s a matter of stopping, looking at that. It’s not beneficial to turn it and blame yourself either. Blame doesn’t serve anyone. Therefore it’s a matter of looking at the situation, looking at why are you reacting in an intensity, because anger holds intensity. It always holds intensity. Which is also one of the differences between anger and irritation, is that you can be significantly irritated in a moment but anger generates a very strong intensity.
In this, look at what is generating that intensity. Is it fear? Is it blaming not only the other individual but yourself? Is it justifying? Because that can intensify the anger also, which is something that people very frequently do. They become angry at something and then they justify themselves in being angry.
In that, whatever it is, even if you cannot entirely identify what you’re doing, there are the basic pieces that you can identify, is that you’re likely blaming something or someone else, and you’re not certain and don’t know what to do about that. And there isn’t anything you have to do about that. You don’t have to do something about it, other than recognize that perhaps what another individual or a situation has presented to you is something uncomfortable and you don’t like it. That doesn’t mean that it’s something to hold on to blame. It’s merely a recognition that you don’t like this, you’re uncomfortable.
If that’s as far as you can proceed in the moment, that’s enough. And then it’s simply a matter of not following the feelings, meaning don’t move in the direction of thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking. Because that will not serve you at all. Therefore in that, it’s simply a matter of acknowledging that you’re not comfortable and something intense is occurring, and you haven’t quite identified that yet. It will come to you, if you allow it to. The thinking, thinking, thinking fights with yourself. That blocks your ability for that information to come to you. Therefore you’re not going to give yourself an answer as long as you’re fighting with yourself. And if you’re thinking about why you’re angry, you’re fighting with yourself.
Therefore it’s a matter of acknowledgment, and then stop. Move to whatever position you can of giving yourself whatever answer you can in the moment. And that’s enough. That is important to tell yourself: that’s enough. That’s enough for now.
LYNDA: That’s enough for now.
ELIAS: Yes. And that if I allow, I will give myself more of an answer.
LYNDA: Okay.
ELIAS: If I am thinking, thinking, thinking, I’m not going to give myself any more of an answer. I’m going to be stuck in a partial answer.
LYNDA: Okay. Zoé’s session is up. She had a very quick question about:
“The last question is about inner numbness. I keep having such emotional numbness, I often feel numb inside. I feel like it comes whenever I have doubts or concerns, but I don't quite understand what this numbness reflects, I find it a little bit disproportionate to be honest, and don't quite understand the body's reaction. It's simple a signal that I follow feelings? Or is there something behind it, that I may address?”
ELIAS: This is the opposite of following feelings. This is disassociating.
LYNDA: Okay.
ELIAS: And you disassociate when feelings become too intense and you don’t know what to do with them, and you keep following them and it gets to a point in which you’re overwhelmed. And then what you do is you disassociate. And what disassociation is, is it is you turning off. Therefore you don’t feel anything. You feel numb inside because you’ve turned off those feelings. You don’t know what to do with them. You don’t know how to address them, and they’re overwhelming you. And so you turn them off, and that creates that numbness.
Therefore that is the opposite of following feelings, and just as destructive.
LYNDA: Okay.
ELIAS: Now; in relation to disassociation, that’s a matter of recognizing that (sighs) you’ve turned off your feelings and now it’s important for you to turn them back on. That doesn’t mean you have to move in any specific direction of addressing to any specific feeling or invoking any specific feeling. It simply means be aware that you’ve turned them off. When you turn off feelings, when you disassociate, you don’t simply disassociate from feelings. You disassociate from everything. Therefore start doing something that you are responsible for.
When you disassociate, you stop doing actions that are routine, that are your responsibility. People often stop paying bills. They stop—
LYNDA: Cleaning.
ELIAS: — answering their telephone. They stop doing different actions that are their responsibility or they stop doing actions that they actually enjoy and are beneficial. They stop journaling. They stop doing anything that is beneficial to themself. They may stop exercising. You become unmotivated because you’re turning everything off.
Disassociating is a turning off. You cannot turn off one thing. You can’t partially turn off. You either turn everything off or everything is on.
LYNDA: Good to know.
ELIAS: Therefore when you disassociate, it affects everything. Therefore it’s not simply that you’re numb inside. You’re also not engaging what you generally engage normally in your routines.
LYNDA: Okay. She may choose to talk to you about that at another time.
ELIAS: Very well.
LYNDA: Okay. Thank you very much, Elias.
ELIAS: You are welcome.
LYNDA: From dear Zoé. (Elias chuckles) Okay. Love you, Zoé.
(Audio ends after 29 minutes)
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