Supporting Children With Autism Diagnosis
Topics:
“Supporting Children With Autism Diagnosis”
“Teaching Children How to Release Energy Without Training Them to Follow Feelings”
“Processing Trauma Without Blaming”
“Compensating for a Slower Circulatory System”
Thursday, May 27, 2021 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Corina (Ruborg)
ELIAS: Good evening!
CORINA: Oh, hi! (Laughs) How are you? (Both laugh) It’s been a long time.
ELIAS: How shall we begin, my friend?
CORINA: Oh well, this time I went quite different with my questions. I went quite old school, with paper and a pen and everything, so it’s quite funny.
I was talking to Mary before this, and I was just realizing that since the last time we talked, in the last year I haven’t made small steps, I’ve actually made leaps. I’m just proud of myself that I realize that I’ve made leaps, and I’m just so happy with how the situation is. In the same time, there were so many things to go through and so many things to process, but still the outcome was quite good and positive. So…
ELIAS: Congratulations!
CORINA: Yes, thank you. And it actually took me… I didn’t think about all these things, it kind of just came to my mind all of a sudden, and I was like, “Oh yeah!” I think I need to give myself more pats on the back for what I accomplish. And I’ve started just giving more gratitude, kind of like in all areas of my life, and just also probably acceptance would be it.
ELIAS: I would say that is tremendous, my friend.
CORINA: It is, especially for me. Especially for me, yeah. You know, it’s like… I was even telling Mary that the business that I have with my husband for such a long time, I thought Oh, you know, this business, he could run it on his own without me, but I couldn’t do it without him because he is the creative, he is the smart one. And just the other day after a business meeting I realized, Oh, you know what? I need to step up and actually use my skills and do something more than what I’ve been doing all this time, which is just all these little things that… I mean, little things but lots and many of them, that I felt that they needed to be done and I couldn’t find another person to do. But I said No, no, no. Now I need to just do the important stuff that actually has more value overall. So, yeah, that was a good understanding on my side.
ELIAS: I would say that is tremendous, my friend, and very empowering to you.
CORINA: Yes, that’s it. It’s very empowering, yeah. And also I had a situation with my daughter. The other week we were in the store, and I think it got a bit too much for her, the lights and the music and everything, because she just laid on the floor and she wouldn’t get up. So, I was sitting next to her for twenty minutes, asking her to please come up. At one point I was even crying, and I just didn’t know what to do. And in one second I stopped and I said No, stop following feelings. What do you do next? And I said Okay, I need to get her home, so I just picked her up. She started kicking and screaming, but I just took her through the store, through the shopping center to the car.
And the interesting thing is that in that moment I said, You know what? In the past I would have cared a lot about what people around me would think, seeing me as a mom with a crying kid through a store. They would probably think she’s a bad mom or whatever, but in that moment I was like well, you know what? I don’t care anymore what other people think. It’s not about them. So also that was an empowering experience for me.
And also with my daughter, trying to understand her better and trying to see more these cues when it gets a bit too much for her, so for me not to put her in those situations where she might get too tired of something. And also with the way she is, I finally accepted it, that it’s not about me but it’s about her, and just for me to be able to support her in her creation and whatever she wants to be, but just for me to be there to make her life easier and to support her, not to think that these things are happening to me, that it’s difficult or, you know…
ELIAS: I would say that is tremendous, my friend. That is genuinely excellent. Congratulations!
I would say that moving in that direction that you have is VERY empowering, to you AND to her. Even though she may have reacted in the manner that she did, she is young. And I would say that as she develops, she will actually appreciate that patience and that allowance that you express with her. And the factor that you were able to move in a direction yourself of realizing that you may have been momentarily concerned about what other people may think but then moving yourself so quickly into the direction of recognizing that it doesn’t matter, that’s not important, and to give yourself that, to move in a direction of expressing that what other people think and what they do or what direction they move in isn’t important. That, it is tremendous. That is genuinely tremendous, my friend. Congratulations.
CORINA: It is. Thank you. Definitely. I was telling Mary because in the society where I grew up, you’re taught that you need to care about what other people think, so that’s why it’s important the way you present yourself to society, to friends, to family. Like everything, it’s so… the other people’s eyes and their views matter so much. So yeah, I think it was deeply engrained in me that, you know, I cannot take the kids out if their clothes are dirty or things like that. So yeah, it was definitely an empowering moment for me, and just realizing that it just doesn’t matter, and just I wanted to make her feel better in that moment and just take her to a safe space. Yeah, that was a good moment.
And actually, now that—
ELIAS: I definitely agree. I definitely agree. That is tremendous, my friend. I express tremendous acknowledgment to you, that that is an enormous accomplishment.
CORINA: Yes, thank you. And now, you know that we still talk about her, about Willow. Last time, I believe Scotty asked you and you said no, she’s not autistic. Do you still keep that opinion?
ELIAS: (Pause) I understand that your physician may express that idea or lean in that direction, because that’s what’s familiar, that’s what they do – they express in relation to what is familiar to them. And when they don’t know, then they express a diagnosis in relation to this, and then it is done. And what I would say to you is, that’s not actually correct.
Now, what I would say to you is, that doesn’t mean that if they move in that direction, if your physicians move in that direction and express that diagnosis, I definitely would encourage you to use that. Meaning, you can use it in directions to support yourself, that you can support yourself and her in relation to engaging with other individuals and groups of individuals that can be supportive in a manner that is emotionally supportive and can also give you information in relation to their experiences. You can also use it in relation to support with school eventually.
CORINA: Oh yeah.
ELIAS: You can use it in support with different programs that may be available to you. Therefore, I would say that regardless of whether she actually is autistic, or what you name to be autistic or not, that doesn’t actually matter. It only matters to you. Meaning that it may matter to you in relation to knowing that although you can generate support in many different directions in relation to that, you also can express to yourself that this isn’t actually what she is experiencing. And that may be more empowering to both of you, because it may not be as difficult to reach her.
CORINA: Okay. I mean, either if she is or not doesn’t really worry me that much. Anyway, we started the steps, like she does speech therapy and occupational therapy, and we’ve seen really positive results from it and her coming out of her shell more. It’s just… I don’t know. It’s like the other week we were in the park, and there was a little girl like her age, and kind of like… I saw it right from the start, because my daughter was on the swing and the little girl wanted to go on the swing as well, and she was doing the same noises and like “No! No!” she was saying to her mom, just like my daughter. And I told to her mom, “Oh, your little girl, she sounds just like my little daughter.” And she said, “Yeah.” And after two minutes we started talking, and we did realize, just noticing each other’s children, that yes, they are the same. And the other people in the park and other parents don’t see that they are different, but we as mothers, we can quickly see that. So we just started chatting, and it was so nice to finally connect with another mom like that. And she was very encouraging, and it was just so nice. And her daughter was just simply beautiful. So, as I say, it doesn’t really matter if she is or if she is not; it was just kind of like just for me, I was just wondering if…
ELIAS: This is what I am expressing to you, that you can find support with other people in these situations. Therefore, even if you move in the direction of accepting that label, it is entirely acceptable because whether you do or whether you don’t, you can actually use the support that is available to you in relation to that.
CORINA: Yeah.
ELIAS: And that is very helpful.
CORINA: Oh yeah. Yeah, it is, definitely. I guess, like my own… If I put it [as] what I want, probably what every parent wants for their children is just to be happy, and I wish she would be independent when she grows up. I think this is where a bit of my worry is, that I need to give her the tools so she can be independent in life.
ELIAS: That can be. And I would say that this is something that is significant for you to NOT worry about, because she definitely can be.
CORINA: Okay. All right. Then I’ll just take it like this, because at the end of the day I know it’s her choice. It’s her choice if she wants to be independent or her choice if she doesn’t want to be, and… yeah.
And then, with children that are so young, I was just thinking about this today. How can you show them or teach them not to follow feelings? Because you know, kids tend to, like if something happens they get upset and they keep on crying, or… Or is it just this way they express themselves and just let them be?
ELIAS: First of all, crying or expressing in manners of yelling or generating those types of expressions, that actually is expressing feelings, which is releasing energy. And some children require releasing energy more than other children.
In this, how do you teach a child not to follow feelings? In two capacities. One is obviously through example, because children learn from your example more than anything. But in addition to that, I would say that it is significant how you are engaging with them, what you are expressing to them in relation to what they feel. In this, what people have generally done pastly is either they are, in a manner of speaking, teaching their children to ignore feelings or they are somewhat misdirecting, meaning they are teaching them to act on their feelings.
Let me give you a very small but common example. With a small one, if they fall down and they scrape their knee and they begin to cry, the parents may come and be attempting to comfort them, and then what the parent will do is they will express to the child, “The ground is bad. It hurt your knee. And you tell the ground that it’s bad (Corina laughs) because it hurt you.”
Now, this seems harmless and it definitely is distracting for the child, because the child won’t automatically think in that direction. They won’t do in that direction and they won’t think in that direction, because children don’t actually naturally follow feelings.
CORINA: Okay.
ELIAS: They know that whatever they are feeling in the moment is a signal, and they respond to it by expressing it, which as I have said many times previously, expressing a feeling is done through a sound and an action. Therefore, crying is an action with a sound, or yelling, in which the child or the person may be jumping or they may be shaking their hands or they may be hopping on their foot. And in that, they are making a sound and they are generating an action.
Now; I would say that this is what children do naturally. They don’t naturally think to let the feeling dictate their behavior. Therefore, when you say something such as that to a child, if they fall off a chair and they hurt themself, you might hit the chair for them and say, “Bad chair!” In that, it likely will make the child laugh, because—
CORINA: Because it’s funny. (Laughs)
ELIAS: Because that’s strange to them. They don’t understand that action, and it’s something that will be odd and different. But they wouldn’t naturally do that, because they aren’t allowing their feelings to dictate their behavior. When you implement actions such as that, what you are doing is you are teaching the child to let the feeling dictate their behavior.
CORINA: Oh, yeah. No, but that—Sorry. Go on.
ELIAS: When you do that repeatedly, then they learn to let their feelings dictate their behavior in ANY situation, and that leads them in directions in which then when another child takes their toy, they hit them.
CORINA: Yeah. Oh yeah. I understand now the association. Yeah. No, it’s… I’ve never done that, to say, “No! Bad chair!” and that actually sounds very funny to me. (Elias laughs) It was just more my youngest daughter, I don’t know, sometimes she wakes up in the morning and she just whinges for a long time and I hold her in my arms, right? And I kiss her and cuddle her and she just continues. And I’m like, Aw. But I guess I got your point, and yeah, they just need to run with it until they are done. Okay. Thank you for that.
Now I just wanted to talk to you about… It’s been good for me and positive that I’ve processed my trauma. And the interesting thing is that even though I have that memory – well, half of it – I never thought it affected me that way. And just now that it’s been processed I’m kind of like every day seeing more things that are not there anymore, like my worries and my control and my perfectionism and so many things that I used to do. And I realized that now I just don’t care about that, that that’s just not important to me.
And I always thought before, always thinking back about my childhood, I always thought that my parents’ behavior toward me, I thought that would affect me more than, you know, that sexual trauma.
ELIAS: Explain.
CORINA: Well, you know, my mother (sighs)… Well, I remember her, while growing up she would always be angry, and… yeah, just angry and yelling a lot, and never be available to have a conversation. And my dad, he was just kind of like the same, emotionally unavailable, and for him, disciplining was with the belt – you know, just that generation. And I always thought that that would affect me more than just, as I said, the other trauma.
ELIAS: I understand. And I would actually agree with you, because it’s more constant, and because it is something that is ongoing. And that can definitely be equally, if not more, affecting than other expressions that you may engage, other traumas that you might experience and that might be expressed to you that certain traumas would be more affecting or more serious.
But I would say to you my friend, genuinely speaking, it is… very individual. And in that, yes, for one individual it might be more traumatic to have one experience, one sexual experience, that might be more affecting of them. But I would also say for most individuals, even in relation to sexual trauma, if the individual is enduring ongoing, all-the-time, very consistent trauma that is repeated over and over again, AND if they are not being nurtured at all and if they are not being given any type of emotional support at all – which, nurturing and emotional support are very different expressions, but I would say they are both very important. And if a child is not being given any of this, that can be much more affecting, because they are, in a manner of speaking, languishing – which means that it is very similar to having a plant and never watering it.
CORINA: Yeah. Yeah.
ELIAS: And what will happen? It will wither. And I would say that for children, this is very much the situation also, that when they are not being given any emotional support, they wither also. They have no tools. They don’t understand how to care for themselves. They have very few coping skills, and the coping skills that they develop will be dysfunctional.
CORINA: Oh yeah. Definitely. It’s… Yeah. But in my case, I feel like since, as a young adult, I’ve been working on this, even though I didn’t know that I’m working on this – you know, reading books and trying different things. And being now that I’ve processed that sexual trauma, but I feel that all these years have been leading on to this point. Like you know, just doing little by little by little by little, and I can see that. And you know, with my parents, like it’s… I think they both have their traumas. My dad definitely, but think somewhere my mom as well. And I’m not blaming them. I think they’ve just done their best, I guess. It’s just they didn’t know any better, so what can you say? But does this mean that now —
ELIAS: Yes. I very much acknowledge you, my friend, in that, because that is correct. And I would say that you deserve to be acknowledged in that, because many, many, many people don’t move in that direction. Many people move in the direction of blame with their parents and that they hold them responsible for their own experiences.
Now, I would say that it is important not to EXCUSE the behavior of your parents, but that’s not the same as blaming them. You can not EXCUSE them, and therefore then you aren’t expressing that it was acceptable that they did what they did or that they expressed in the manner that they did, because it ISN’T acceptable. It is hurtful, but that doesn’t mean that you blame them or hold them responsible for your reality, because they AREN’T responsible.
CORINA: Yeah. I agree. Yeah. And now, do you think now I’m processing that trauma as well? I mean, do you think it’s all together I’m processing, or being processed?
ELIAS: Oh, I definitely would express that you are processing that and that you are doing quite well in that.
Now, what I would say to you is what is also important is that you express that compassion, that emotional support, those types of expressions with your small ones, but don’t move in the direction of overcompensation. Don’t compensate for what your parents didn’t do with you by doing more with your children. Therefore, pay attention to how you are expressing and how you are being supportive. And in that, be supportive emotionally but not excessively, not to the point in which you encourage dependence.
CORINA: Right. Yeah. I agree with you. It’s I think something I’m working on, because I find my husband, he’s kind of creating this dependency. And you know, many times we have discussions about the fact that since we had children, we’ve never, either me or him, went away somewhere or something. And (sighs)… I don’t know. It’s just it’s hard for me even to have this conversation with him, because the way that he grew up, that his dad was not very involved, I think that he feels that he needs to be there all the time.
ELIAS: I understand. I definitely understand. And let me say that that is an expression of compensating for what the individual was lacking and therefore generating this compensation for that with their children. In this, what is very important for you to communicate with him is another very, very important piece, an important example for both of you to be expressing in relation to children is nurturing your own relationship.
CORINA: Yes.
ELIAS: And in that, expressing in a manner in which they will grow up seeing, observing a healthy, loving and engaging relationship between the two of you, in which you are both encouraging your own relationship to grow, and that you are paying attention to that relationship as it grows, as it changes, and that you engage that involvement with each other. That is tremendously important, because that is another example that you give them.
CORINA: Yeah. Yeah, I—
ELIAS: How to successfully engage a relationship when THEY are of an age that they would be engaging with a relationship. That is very important. And in that, this is another piece that they learn by example.
CORINA: Yeah.
ELIAS: You can tell a child what to do in relation to engaging a relationship, but they will do what they have learned by what they have observed.
CORINA: Oh yeah. I definitely agree with that, because I saw myself having some behavior that I’ve noticed my parents had and had to break out of that. Yeah, I agree.
ELIAS: Therefore, in that, this is a very important factor, that he is paying attention to the relationship with YOU and therefore nurturing that, encouraging that to grow and to be strong. And in doing so, that will be generating a tremendously important example that will be very, very affecting of their lives in a considerable capacity.
CORINA: Yeah. I agree. Yeah, I’ll have to think of a creative way to talk with him about all of this.
ELIAS: Is he aware that you engage a conversation with myself?
CORINA: No, because I (sighs)… I just don’t know how to explain to him all of this, because I don’t think he believes in this, so—
ELIAS: Very well.
CORINA: Yeah.
ELIAS: That is acceptable. I was merely inquiring. Many times when couples are both involved in conversations with myself, it can be much more helpful and there can be more movement in a shorter time framework, but it isn’t necessary.
CORINA: Yeah. On the flip side, he’s a very emotionally attuned guy, so it’s not like… You know, he gets… If I talk to him, he gets where I’m coming from, and he will try his best, I know that. He just (laughs)… With him, I find many times he gets distracted along the way with different things that he does and passions and with the business, like he just continues to grow. But as I said, I think this is for me to think about, how to creatively put this, and maybe also for me to be more proactive in things that we as a couple can do and not just say we need to be more mindful of this but actually to come with ideas, that oh, let’s start doing this or that or something. But yeah, thank you for reminding me about that.
ELIAS: Excellent!
CORINA: Yeah. I wanted to ask a few interesting questions. So just because I want to get this right, can you confirm the time of my birth? Is it 11:30 a.m.?
ELIAS: 11:30 a.m.? 11:31.4 a.m., yes.
CORINA: Sorry? Can you say that again?
ELIAS: 11:31.4 a.m., yes.
CORINA: Oh. Okay. Thank you.
ELIAS: Therefore, 11:30 is close enough, yes.
CORINA: Right. Okay. And can you give that for my husband as well? His mom said around 6:30 p.m., but she didn’t remember exactly.
ELIAS: (Pause) Actually that would be (pause) 6:47.32.
CORINA: Oh, amazing. Thank you.
ELIAS: You are welcome.
CORINA: All right. I had kind of like my first real love when I was young, in my 20s. It’s this Portuguese guy. And it seems that lately he keeps popping into my mind, and I’ve tried to look into that and I thought okay, it’s because of the freedom that I had back then – you know, no responsibilities, no all of that. Then I thought it’s just missing the fact that I’m young, or… So yeah, I just don’t know exactly. Maybe you can help me to clear this.
ELIAS: I would say, this isn’t unusual. And what I would say to you is, this individual is very familiar. You have many, many lives together. You could consider this individual a soulmate. And let me say to you, my friend, that this is actually considerably common, that sometimes people will engage a brief or a temporary relationship with another individual and they will have that significant familiarity with them. And in that particular lifetime, so to speak, they won’t necessarily engage an ongoing relationship with that individual, because in that particular lifetime they don’t quite fit. But you may actually have time frameworks in which you think about that individual, and that may happen repeatedly throughout your life. It may happen throughout your life until you disengage, because you are connecting with the energy of that individual in that familiarity that you share.
That doesn’t mean that you have missed anything or that you should have engaged a relationship ongoingly with this individual; it simply means that periodically throughout your life, because you are connected, you may think about them, you may have dreams about them, you may wonder about them, you may remember them fondly. It is simply that connection in energy that you are tapping into and that it continues to come up. Depending on the strength of the connection, it may come up frequently or it may come up often, meaning continuously, meaning that you may be having these connections with the other individual’s energy throughout your life.
CORINA: Okay. Yeah, well that makes sense. Yeah, thank you.
ELIAS: You are very welcome.
CORINA: Okay. I got my stats, I think, a long time ago from Tompkin. So… I don’t know. The essence name is quite… I don’t know. It sounds so (laughs)… It sounds tough. It sounds strong. (Laughs) And then I’m thinking yeah, I am strong. So, I just want to check. Well, first of all, beside… So, I’m Sumari, alignment Vold, soft and political, dispersed and leader personality. Are there any other tags that we can add to this? (Both laugh)
ELIAS: I would say that is enough.
CORINA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, same here. But I just thought if there’s something else I should know about it now, because just recently (Elias laughs) … Yeah, even though I knew for a while I’m a leader personality, just a couple of weeks ago I read about it. I was like, Oh, that’s interesting. Yeah, that’s me. All right, now I can see it. Okay, I claim it. This is me. All right. Let’s move on. (Both laugh) All right. So that’s that. Nothing else?
ELIAS: Correct.
CORINA: Okay. (Elias chuckles) All right.
[Section deleted]
CORINA: Okay, so always I’ve been very cold, right? It’s even here in Australia, and the whole winter I’m just going around like freezing all the time. Is there something I can do about it? Or is it just me? I just cannot explain it.
ELIAS: How much physical activity do you engage?
CORINA: Well, I go out— yeah?
ELIAS: I mean in relation to physical exercise.
CORINA: Yeah, I go to the gym. This is not a typical gym, it’s more gymnastics and stuff, but I go like three, four times a week.
ELIAS: And when you are there, do you feel warmer?
CORINA: Yes.
ELIAS: While you are exercising?
CORINA: Yes.
ELIAS: What I would say to you, my friend, is you, in like manner to some people, have a slower movement of your circulatory system. This isn’t bad, and it isn’t anything that is associated with any type of dis-ease, but it’s simply that your circulatory system moves slightly slower than the average individual.
Now because of that, that creates a situation in which you would tend to feel cooler or colder than other people, and that the outside temperature would not necessarily compensate for that, or generate enough to have you feel much warmer. What I would say is, when you feel cold at times, generate some type of movement such as for a few minutes, perhaps two or three minutes, run in place.
CORINA: Okay.
ELIAS: And that will increase your circulation. It will increase your movement of your circulatory system, and that should help in generating more warmth. I would also express that if you are incorporating the use of garments such as leg warmers – and you can use that also with your arms – that that will be helpful.
CORINA: Okay.
ELIAS: When you are generating additional layers with certain parts of your body, it helps to maintain your body temperature in a warmer capacity. Therefore, if you are layering your extremities – you don’t have to layer your entire body, but if you are layering your arms and your legs with leg warmers and you can generate the same with your arms, that actually will be very helpful.
It isn’t that there’s something wrong with you; it is simply a situation that is not as common.
CORINA: Yeah.
ELIAS: But that it isn’t abnormal, let us say.
CORINA: Yeah, I understand. Look, at the end I’m in the right country, right? Because nine months of the year it’s so warm, so in the summer I’m like, Oh, I’m doing so well, you know? I’m not sweating, I’m not hot, it’s great. (Elias laughs) So, I can just look at the bright side. (Both laugh)
ELIAS: I would say that you definitely are in the right country for your body consciousness. (Laughs)
[The timer for the end of the session rings]
CORINA: Yeah. (Laughs) Exactly.
CORINA: Okay. Thank you so much for today. It’s been so great.
(Audio ends after 59 minutes)
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