Not Being Seen: The Experience of Not Feeling Valued
Topics:
Session 202012271
“Not Being Seen: The Experience of Not Feeling Valued”
“Appreciating the Simple Things vs. Adventure: Discovering Your Own Answers”
Sunday, December 27, 2020 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Oliver (Amir)
ELIAS: Good evening!
OLIVER: (Laughs) Good evening, Elias!
ELIAS: (Laughs) And how shall we proceed, my friend?
OLIVER: (Laughs) So, do you have opinions?
ELIAS: (Laughs) Do I have opinions? Mmmm, not actually, but I suppose that you could express that preferences would be opinions; therefore, in that context, yes.
OLIVER: Okay. (Both laugh) Well, nice meeting you. I have opinions too. (Both laugh)
ELIAS: Excellent! Shall you express some of your opinions?
OLIVER: Well, I think they’re evident in my questions. (Both laugh)
ELIAS: Very well! (Laughs)
OLIVER: So, I guess I have to say what a difference a year makes.
ELIAS: Ahhh. Depending on the year.
OLIVER: (Laughs) Well, it’s all relative, as they say.
You know, my first question to you is actually: In the shared focuses that you and me have experienced or are experiencing, what would be your fondest memory?
ELIAS: Of our shared experiences, my fondest memory? My fondest memory would be a very simple shared focus in which the two of us are partners and we share a small cottage by the sea in the United Kingdom, in England. And in that, it is a very, very simple life.
OLIVER: Right. Right. Yeah, I got a sense of that. I think the simplicity brings… It seems that there were no emotional or thought complications, in a way.
[The connection is broken and is re-established]
ELIAS: Continuing.
OLIVER: Continuing. Yeah, so I was saying it sounds to me that this life, there was appreciation that was not complicated by—
ELIAS: Yes, very much so. I would say you can investigate. This would be in the seaside town of Weymouth.
OLIVER: Can you spell that?
ELIAS: One moment. W-E-Y-M-O-U-T-H, Weymouth.
OLIVER: Okay, I will. I will.
ELIAS: I would say yes, that it was a lifetime that was uncomplicated and very much in an expression of appreciation and living in that simplicity.
OLIVER: Mm. It’s funny what emotionally in that association that is coming up for me is my grandmother.
ELIAS: Ah!
OLIVER: From my father’s side. I don’t know, I’m connecting… What is it I’m connecting here? I’m connecting, I think, her ability to appreciate simple things.
ELIAS: Yes. And in that, that can actually provide the most wondrous comfort and contentment. And in that, I would say that it makes everything in life easy and, in a manner of speaking, bright.
OLIVER: Hm. Well, there is— Sorry?
ELIAS: In which you actually appreciate the people in your town, in your community, you appreciate where you live, what you do. Everything seems to incorporate an element of appreciation in its simplicity.
OLIVER: Yeah.
ELIAS: Now; I would say if you were to imagine a focus that would be your favorite, what would you imagine it to be?
OLIVER: Oh, I think I go more in the direction of adventure. (Both laugh) Because there is… the simplicity, there is an element of restrictiveness that I feel. I do understand that it runs deep and that there are many doors to walk through and experience that each give a lot, so it doesn’t have to be shiny, but I just resonate more with diversity and adventure.
ELIAS: Ah. Therefore, perhaps you would be expressing that an explorer or a pirate would be more your favorite?
OLIVER: (Laughs) Well, I do know about one pirate of mine that’s off the Moroccan coast. Tompkin helped to make me aware of him, and yes, yes, that very much… There’s that sense of freedom, of self-directedness. Yeah. (Elias laughs) And when I connect to that focus, what I get is that really, every aspect was very life-affirming, because when he left the shore and he left his community behind he wouldn’t know if he would see them again, and so it made for a really deep-felt departure. And the same when he came back, it was a real appreciation of reconnecting and seeing them again. And when he was out at sea, you didn’t know what would happen, and the sea and the weather and just dealing with that, never mind dealing with other ships, it always brought on challenges which you weren’t quite sure if you would meet them. And at the same time, when you did and you did it over and over again, yeah, it was very life-affirming.
ELIAS: I would say that that definitely is a focus to appreciate. (Chuckles)
OLIVER: And yet my focus presently is one where I do have more caution and concern, and I do hang on more to ideas of safety and predictability.
ELIAS: Ah.
OLIVER: Mm-hm.
ELIAS: Exploring THAT avenue instead.
OLIVER: Well, I would say it’s… I think my exploration in this focus is that there are no simple answers for me. Like it’s not simply throwing caution to the wind or going for a life of caution; none of those is an answer, and it seemed to me that in any direction that I look and explore, there is never a simple answer for me.
ELIAS: Ah. And why would you express that? Why would you say that there is never a simple answer?
OLIVER: Well, because it never settles with me. It never satisfies me. It never turns out to be the answer. Well, maybe the answer is simple – let me rephrase that. The black and white, the let’s say maybe favored in cultural discourse answers, don’t do it for me. And when I come to an answer, it appears to me right now that what I simply have to do is accept that it isn’t those answers, but my answer lies somewhere in between in the spectrum and it has both sides to it. So, it has safety and predictability, but it also has adventure. It’s not a choice of one or the other.
ELIAS: I very much understand. What I would say is perhaps it isn’t necessarily that you aren’t satisfied with a simple answer, but that you want to discover your own answer.
OLIVER: Yes. And my own answer does not seem to be reflected prominently in the current cultural discourse.
ELIAS: I understand, and I would agree.
OLIVER: Which means I HAVE to discover my own. (Laughs) But that’s great. I mean that’s good, and no complaints here. So in that, I think I have made strides in figuring that out, that there IS indeed an answer for me, or there are many answers for me. I don’t feel like it has to be on one or the other side of that common coin.
ELIAS: I agree. I would express congratulations that you are aware of that and that you can articulate that so very well.
OLIVER: Oh. Thank you very much. (Both laugh)
So yesterday – no, two days ago – I had a black spot show up in the camera of my phone, like an artifact. And when I thought about it I thought, Is this a reflection on the main topic that I wanted to discuss with you today? And that is about my question of trauma related to the Second World War, the two generations past that you had talked about and that I’m part of, and I wanted to find out if there are any memories that I have repressed and about how the trauma or what trauma personally affected me. My impression is that this kind of black spot in the visual field in the camera was a reflection of it, and if it was, then it would show kind of also the relationship between a big picture that is quite accurate and quite sharp and beautiful, but there is a small part that is hidden and cannot be seen. Am I on the right track?
ELIAS: I would say yes. Now, what I would say in that is, in your assessment would you say that you either have a memory or memories that you can link to some trauma but you don’t have necessarily a feeling with it, OR the opposite, in which you may have feelings at times but you don’t necessarily have a link for them?
Now, let me explain that. Sometimes people can’t recall a memory, an experience, but they do have and are aware of the feeling that was associated with an experience. And what happens is, when THAT is the situation, then the individual will consistently experience something repeatedly in which they will… have a FEELING and it seems to be not proportional to whatever it is that they are experiencing.
OLIVER: I totally know what you are talking about, and I think I understand the concept very well as well. I would say that I think the most prominent… and yes, it is not memory but it is emotion, it is certain emotional states that I experience and that get triggered and seem to be justified but as you said are not in proportion, and I think that they boil down to the sense of not being seen. That is what tends to trigger me the most. If I interact with an individual, and I sense that I’m not really being considered or seen, that gets a strong reaction from me.
ELIAS: And what is the strong reaction? What is the feeling?
OLIVER: Well, it’s basically… like what I feel is a reaction TO that. Like my reaction to that is one where I get basically… I get angry.
ELIAS: That is very understandable, yes. And I would also say that that is definitely one of the types of experiences or expressions, the feeling that would occur when an individual doesn’t actually have recall of the memories.
OLIVER: Mm-hm.
ELIAS: Anger is a very common expression of something that is not recalled, and anger is a very common feeling that people express in relation to trauma.
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: Trauma that they don’t remember.
OLIVER: Right. So, can we go from the general into the specific in my case?
ELIAS: Yes, actually.
Now; what I would say is, what types of expressions? I am aware you said whenever you feel that you aren’t being heard or you aren’t being seen or you are not being expressed as being important: give some examples of that.
OLIVER: I think that is my parents.
ELIAS: Very well.
OLIVER: And I guess… What can I give as an example? It’s almost like I’m so aware that this is what’s happening, it’s hard for me to almost put it into a specific event, because it’s really more a sense where I see that a person is… Well, let’s say my mother is telling me that I shouldn’t worry about something, where she never inquires if I’m worried about it in the first place. But then she acts on her assessment that is trying to protect me from worrying, but she never even considered or thought about asking me if I’m actually concerned about it in the first place.
ELIAS: And what about your partner?
OLIVER: She… Again, I feel like she has strong… Like I feel like she needs to have situations unfold in a way that are to her prediction or liking, and if they don’t, she comes in very strong energetically and tries to control the situation; whereas I often feel that what she actually wants, let’s say that something gets cleaned or something doesn’t break or something is being treated with care, what is important to her, I feel like I’m actually doing that. I am treating things with care, but I’m not doing it in the way that she wants it to be done, and so I get frustrated because I DO have… I feel like I see her, I know what she wants and I am considering it and I’m actually acting in accordance, but she doesn’t see that and then she comes in with control.
ELIAS: Ahhh.
Now; let me say to you that this is very understandable. Now, first of all let me ask you before I continue: Are you open and willing to hear what I will express to you?
OLIVER: Absolutely.
ELIAS: Very well, because it isn’t about THEM, it’s about you.
OLIVER: Yes.
ELIAS: Very well.
Now; beginning with NOW and then working backwards, beginning with NOW, the assessment that you are doing what the other individual wants and you are considering them and that they aren’t appreciating that and they don’t even see it, and that then they become irritated and your assessment is they want it done the way they want it done and that’s the only way to do it, ALL of that is ALL your perception, and it’s all based in trying to please.
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: Trying to please, but not quite being good enough yet.
OLIVER: Yes, yes, I can see that.
ELIAS: Now in that, let me say to you, it doesn’t matter that you may be at a point in which you perceive that you are good enough. If you are having these types of experiences, you still have that piece in which you’re still trying to prove yourself – to YOU, not to the other person.
OLIVER: Okay.
ELIAS: You’re still trying to prove that you are good enough, that you are enough, that you are doing enough, that you are being enough, and you have to do that in actual actions. It isn’t a matter of that you simply know that; you have to keep expressing that in actions.
But in actuality, BECAUSE you are doing that, because of the motivation behind that, that is actually the reason that the other individual becomes irritated or doesn’t want you to do it, or maybe even expresses that you aren’t doing it correctly. Any of their reaction to that is expressing already what YOU are expressing to yourself: you are wrong – not you did something wrong, but you are just wrong. And therefore, this is the reaction that you receive, because that is the reflection.
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: Because it isn’t that the other individual is doing something that is off-putting to you or actually even triggering to you, it’s that their expression is validating what you already perceive about you, but that you aren’t looking [inaudible] of “I’m simply wrong.”
OLIVER: Okay. I can see that clearly.
ELIAS: This is not stemming from one specific event.
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: This is stemming from an ongoing expression. And what I would say to you is that this has to do with both of your parents. It isn’t simply your mother; it is both of them. It is one of them jumping to conclusions, but she’s jumping to conclusions, in a manner of speaking, trying to protect you but not actually knowing how to do that and therefore not very well. And in that, what is she trying to protect you from?
OLIVER: Well, from any adversity – anything that may happen to me that is not in my interest.
ELIAS: Now, let us be more specific. And in that, what did I say? This is not about one of your parents; this is about both of your parents.
OLIVER: Yes. Yes, I do understand. I mean, you are hinting that she’s trying to protect me from my father’s reactions.
ELIAS: Yes. But not necessarily in the manner that you would think – more in the manner of him expressing in certain manners that would cause you to worry.
OLIVER: Hm. But is that accurate? Would I worry about things if he would express himself openly?
ELIAS: I would say that as a child, you worried about him.
OLIVER: Ah. Okay.
ELIAS: And I would say that it wasn’t necessarily that you worried about the world but that you worried about him – and that is a lot for a small child to take on, taking on that responsibility of a parent when the parent is in the position of taking responsibility for the child. But when the child is in a position in which they view their parent to be fragile or breakable, then that makes the child feel unsafe, and then they feel it is their responsibility to take care of, or to worry about, the parent.
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: Are you understanding?
OLIVER: Yeah, I can see that.
ELIAS: Therefore, in that, I would say that the more your mother moved in the direction of telling you not to worry, the more you worried.
OLIVER: Right. Right. Right. Right.
ELIAS: Because in that, the more you are being told not to worry, the more you perceived precisely what you have analyzed, that you aren’t being taken seriously, that the situation isn’t being taken seriously, that you aren’t being seen and you aren’t being heard, and that there is something important that should be addressed to and it isn’t being addressed to.
OLIVER: So, does it mean – and that’s a spontaneous thought that comes up right now – does it mean that the expressiveness and, let’s say, the attention-grabbing reactions of my mother are essentially all smoke and mirrors, to not have attention be going to my father?
ELIAS: No, no.
OLIVER: Okay.
ELIAS: I would say that no, your mother genuinely cares about you. She genuinely loves you.
OLIVER: Oh yeah. Absolutely.
ELIAS: And in that, I would say that your mother genuinely didn’t want you to be a worrisome child or a worrisome person.
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: In that, I would also say that in part, she did see why you were somewhat of a worrisome child. But in that, I would say that that also created a situation in which she did have some blame towards your father. And let me say to you, this all, with a child, most of what they understand and receive is energetic.
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: Therefore, they don’t have to be told what something is; they feel it.
OLIVER: Yes. Yes.
ELIAS: They sense it. Therefore, if your mother is blaming your father for you being a worrisome child, you pick up that energy and you receive that energy, which then exacerbates the situation.
OLIVER: Mm-hm. Yeah.
ELIAS: Because there is more expectation on your father, who is already not entirely… mmm, what should I say? Genuinely allowing himself to be expressive.
OLIVER: Yes. Yes.
ELIAS: And then there is that added pressure and energy of blame and expectation. And then there is his own expectation, because he also loves you, and therefore he doesn’t know how to express himself properly, and it creates an exacerbated situation.
Now, in that, in an ongoing situation and time framework, what that does with a child is it creates an environment in which the child – you – never feel safe.
OLIVER: Mm. Yeah. Yeah.
ELIAS: Because you never feel actually recognized.
OLIVER: Right. Like, my summary was that in a way they’re very busy with themselves, right? Because the dynamic you’re just describing, the dynamic between my mother’s perceptions and expectations of my father, my father’s self-perceptions and his own feeling of inadequacy, all these things are their dramas.
ELIAS: Yes.
OLIVER: And they were busy with this, whereas I was there witnessing and being affected but not seen for who I am.
ELIAS: Correct. Correct. And that also creates that feeling of being not safe, because you aren’t important enough.
Now, in that, then the influences of that is then you have that development, in a manner of speaking, of compensating for that by doing for.
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: And trying to please, and anticipating what another individual, another person wants or needs, and therefore doing something before they even know that they want or need something.
OLIVER: Yes.
ELIAS: But in doing that, you are (chuckles) thwarting yourself, because then the other individual interprets that either – like your mother – as being worrisome, or that “Why are you doing that? I didn’t ask you to do that. And you didn’t do it correctly anyway. I have my method of how I do something, and I will do it. I didn’t ask you to do it. Don’t do it!” Do you understand?
OLIVER: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
ELIAS: And what happens in that is that then that recreates this situation over and over and over again, in which then you become angry because you feel devalued and not seen and not appreciated. And in that, you have created the situation by anticipating what someone else wants, because that is how you take care of.
OLIVER: So does that mean, because I have this tendency, that I find myself involved with people who are actually not really fitting the person that I am, but I basically maintain those relationships and this closeness because I am going out of my way and allowing kind of enough satisfaction of a relationship to take place, whereas if I would just simply do what I feel is right and when I do it and how I do it, then those people, because of the differences, would not basically want to be close to me? Does that make sense?
ELIAS: It does make sense. And I would say yes and no. Meaning initially, the people that you draw to yourself, or that you have drawn to yourself, yes, that if you were not in the direction of taking care of, they likely wouldn’t be drawn to you. But now comes the no part, in that with some people that may have been the initial draw, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that that can’t change, and that the person wouldn’t be drawn to you or attracted to you with the change.
Therefore, actually I would say that it is very possible with your partner, for example, that if you simply began to move in a direction of catching yourself and stopping yourself from what you think of as being helpful, and not being helpful until you’re asked, OR, if you CAN’T wait until you are being asked – and let me say to you, my friend, realistically that could actually be difficult. Therefore, if you can’t wait until you’re actually being asked, then YOU ask, “Would it be helpful if I did this?” and then listen to the answer and accept the answer.
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: If the other individual says, “No, it’s fine. I’ll do it myself,” listen to that. Don’t push it.
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: Don’t continue on the conversation and continue to ask, “Well, I could do it.” Don’t do that.
OLIVER: Right. Right. I hear you.
ELIAS: Hear what the other individual says and accept their answer, and let it be.
OLIVER: Now, I guess the thing that I see happening is that – and my partner is a good example, and maybe my parents similarly – I feel that they want it in a specific way, that then I (sighs)… It’s funny. Like for me it breaks down between principle and detail. And so in principle, I’m happy to be helpful and I do understand and resonate with certain outcomes and basic sentiments, but I feel that often they want things done in a specific way – which I understand maybe wrongly, because of that outcome, which I can align with, but I cannot align with necessarily their specific way of doing it, so I feel controlled. Do you understand?
ELIAS: I do. And in that, then that is a matter of you allowing them to do the action in their manner, in their specific way. And in that, if they want something done in a specific way and you are not necessarily inclined to do that because you feel controlled, then let THEM do it.
OLIVER: And they will not feel that frustrated because I’m not being supportive?
ELIAS: You can be supportive. You can be supportive and not necessarily engage the task. Let us say that the subject is doing the laundry, and that the other individual does the laundry in a specific manner and that is the manner in which they want it done and if you are going to do it, please do it in this manner. And you don’t want to do it in that manner simply because it feels as if you are being controlled – that you have no problem doing the laundry and that you would be happy to do the laundry, but you feel controlled having to do it specifically in that manner.
OLIVER: Yes.
ELIAS: In that, you can simply express to the other individual, “I would be happy to do the laundry for you to help lighten your load with other tasks, but I likely won’t do it exactly in the manner that you would. Therefore if that bothers you, then I won’t do it and I can do something else.”
OLIVER: Which would lead into the same thing, that something else I also just really would want to do if I can do it my way. (Laughs)
ELIAS: But there may be SOMETHING, eventually, that it wouldn’t bother you to do in the manner that they do it, that it wouldn’t be important.
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: It may be that they prefer a certain soap, and that the soap doesn’t actually matter to you.
OLIVER: Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Yeah.
ELIAS: This is also a piece in which this comes to you, that first of all it is a matter of you not anticipating the other person, but remember: You are only asking if you can help when you can’t wait for them to ask you.
OLIVER: Yeah, yeah.
ELIAS: In that, it is also a matter of evaluating to yourself what you are making important. If the other individual does something in a particular manner, then what are you making important that you can’t do it that way? But—
OLIVER: Well, I can tell you what is important to me is that when I DON’T do it that way that they need it or want it, then both my partner as well as my mother come with a very strong, emotional reaction.
ELIAS: I understand.
OLIVER: And that’s what I don’t like.
ELIAS: I understand. But why are you NOT doing it in that manner? That is the question, because it comes back to you and what you are doing. The reason you don’t do it in a certain manner is not because you don’t want to be controlled; it is because you are already in that perception of doing something wrong and being wrong, and therefore you do something in a manner that they aren’t going to like. That is the reason that I expressed, “Wait for them to ask you. And if they don’t ask you, don’t do.”
OLIVER: Okay. I hear that loud and clear. And I think I can—
ELIAS: One moment. Let me also give you another piece in this.
OLIVER: Yes.
ELIAS: As, in anticipation of what direction you possibly would go in after that (Oliver laughs), I would say to you that then if the other individual begins acting or behaving in a manner that seems to be irritated with you that you aren’t doing enough, then you can express, “I feel the energy of irritation with you, and I understand that you might not think that I am doing enough actions, but if you want me to help, all you have to do is ask me.” (Pause) “I’m not going to jump in and do if you don’t ask me, because I’m attempting to address to something presently with myself about not constantly being wrong.”
OLIVER: Right.
ELIAS: “And therefore, I’m not going to move in the direction of doing certain actions if I’m not asked to, but I will willingly engage if you ask me.”
OLIVER: Right. Right. Okay. Yeah, that all makes sense. So, is this subject matter in a way the… like it’s a core subject matter in terms of like where I…? I don’t know if dysfunction is the right word here, but that has been affecting in a not-beneficial manner?
ELIAS: Definitely. Yes. And I would say that this definitely is one of those subjects that is associated with trauma.
OLIVER: But the trauma is more the… I think, as you said, it’s not a specific action directed against me; it’s more that I was witness of events and an atmosphere?
ELIAS: Yes. Yes.
OLIVER: Yeah. That was also my assessment before. So (sighs)… Hm. So the way…? So basically you gave me directions or suggestions which would create a pathway out of that?
ELIAS: Yes. And I would definitely express to you to share with these individuals that you are addressing to something with yourself, and therefore they know that you aren’t being obnoxious and ignoring them but that you are attempting to move in a direction of addressing to something that will allow you to incorporate a more successful relationship with them.
OLIVER: Right. I am getting a little bit stuck on the idea of fear or anticipation of their frustration if I don’t do things exactly that they want me to do. But you—
ELIAS: STOP!
OLIVER: Hm?
ELIAS: Stop. Don’t do that.
OLIVER: Okay.
ELIAS: Stop that concentration right now.
OLIVER: Okay.
ELIAS: And catch yourself when you move in that direction, because, as I expressed, you can speak with them each and tell them you are addressing to something and that this will actually help you to create a more successful relationship with them, but that in the meantime you aren’t going to be engaging actions unless you are asked.
OLIVER: Yeah. Yeah, I understand, but if they ask me, they still – I anticipate – they still will ask me then to do things in a specific manner.
[The timer for the end of the session rings]
ELIAS: And in that, you also have THAT information. If they do ask you to do it in a specific manner, then you have the choice to evaluate what is important to you, and if it is actually important that you don’t do it in the manner that they want you to, or to express to them, “I might not do this in the manner that you want it done. Do you still want me to do it?”
OLIVER: Right. Okay. That’s better. Because what I really don’t like is being in that type of relationship where another person dictates details to me for their liking. Right?
ELIAS: Yes. I understand.
OLIVER: Okay. Okay. I’m just writing this down. Okay, perfect. (Laughs) Well, I’m very happy that some light has been shining on this part of my makeup.
ELIAS: Excellent. And I would say that actually, it is very likely that you can move through this relatively quickly.
OLIVER: Mm-hm. Yeah. Do you find that my…? Like, when it comes to work interactions, specifically the last ten years or so in my own business, I feel like that is always a good example of how I achieve good flow with people, and where because of the setting I’m happy with myself but they are also happy with me.
ELIAS: Yes. I agree. But I would say that these other difficulties, that comes from longstanding situations, and that is expressed with people that you incorporate some type of intimate relationship with.
OLIVER: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, that… Absolutely. That’s what triggers it, or that’s a framework where that happens.
ELIAS: Yes.
OLIVER: Okay. Well, I’m sad to say you must be on your way. (Both laugh)
ELIAS: I shall greatly anticipate our next meeting, my friend. And perhaps you won’t be incorporating a year before we are meeting again.
OLIVER: Well, maybe we can celebrate Christmas in summer. (Both laugh)
ELIAS: And create a new tradition! (Chuckles)
OLIVER: Here we go. Okay, I do hear you, and I’m happy to be speaking to you before the year is over – I mean the next year.
ELIAS: Very well, my friend. I express great encouragement to you and dear friendship. In exquisite love to you as always, my dear friend, au revoir.
OLIVER: Au revoir.
(Elias departs after 1 hour)
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