Why Am I Holding Back?
Topics:
Session 20180617
“Why Am I Holding Back?”
“Don't Allow a Feeling to Dictate Your Behavior”
“Stop Thinking, and Take a Step”
Sunday, June 17, 2018 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Jason (Posha)
"Another excellent and wondrous part of being genuine and expressing yourself is that when you do that, you encourage other individuals to do it also. Therefore, you don’t only give yourself that freedom, but you encourage other individuals to express that freedom also.”
ELIAS: Good morning!
JASON: Good morning. How’s it going?
ELIAS: As always. And yourself?
JASON: (Laughs) I’m feeling very well.
ELIAS: Excellent. Do tell!
JASON: Yeah. (Laughs) I wanted to ask you, as you’ve been on my mind. What is happening…? I’m hoping you can help me understand what’s happening with me and my energy when I interact with someone that I’m very attracted to. Something that I’ve been noticing is that it feels like there’s obstacles, or somehow—
ELIAS: How so?
JASON: It feels like… first of all, I feel like I’m holding back from being my authentic self, and I also feel that the other individual has a situation going on that doesn’t necessarily allow them to fully be their authentic self with me—but I guess that’s reflecting.
ELIAS: Correct.
JASON: Yeah. (Laughs)
ELIAS: Now, what would your assessment be why you are doing that?
JASON: I feel like that on my end what’s kind of happening is that perceiving that there’s something to lose if they don’t like me, or if the attraction isn’t reciprocated, and I feel like I’m paying more attention to that, or lack, and… or what could go wrong. And I also feel that I’m paying attention to my flaws, or what I perceive to be my flaws, and that that’s what they are paying attention to as well. And that—
ELIAS: Let us think about this. Let us think about this in a realistic manner. When you meet someone, first of all they don’t know you. Therefore, how can they be paying attention to your flaws when they don’t know what they are? (Jason chuckles) Therefore, that is one point.
Also, what I would say to you is when you meet someone, you don’t have an investment yet. You don’t even know if YOU will like the other individual. You might be attracted to them, but you can be attracted to other individuals for many different reasons. That doesn’t necessarily mean that once you are engaging with them and learning about them that you will actually like them or be comfortable with them or want to develop a relationship with them. Therefore, you can’t lose what you haven’t invested yet.
JASON: But why am I so afraid? I guess that’s what I really want to understand. Why am I holding back?
ELIAS: Why ARE you afraid? What are you afraid OF?
JASON: Yeah. What am I afraid of?
ELIAS: Not necessarily WHY are you afraid, but what.
JASON: It’s not them, because like you say – and I intellectually get everything that you’ve just expressed, but—
ELIAS: But that doesn’t change the fear.
JASON: No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t. And that’s the confusion, is I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. For instance, I was at a party last week, and there was this guy there that I was very attracted to. As soon as I saw him I felt some degree of anxiety, and I overcame that and I interacted with him. But during the interaction I could tell that—I guess I just was concerned. Like there was this level of like (sighs)… it’s hard to describe. I’m not sure exactly how to explain this, but I just felt like this kind of negative energy within myself, like that something's going to go wrong, basically. Like it’s too good to be true.
ELIAS: Now; what is your perception of you?
JASON: Um…
ELIAS: If I were to ask you to describe yourself as an individual and to express genuinely what you like about yourself and what you don’t like about yourself, and what you think is good enough with yourself and what isn’t good enough, what would you say the ratio of that is?
JASON: I would say that there’s more things that I like and appreciate about myself than things that I don’t. If I had to pick a ratio, I’d probably say like 80% stuff I like, 20% stuff I don’t like.
ELIAS: Very well. How much do you believe you deserve, without earning?
JASON: That’s a good question. That's something else that I’ve really thought about, is the whole earning and deserving and worthiness subject. I guess it depends on what the subject is, right? Like if it’s money, then I probably don’t feel like I deserve it without earning it. If it has something to do with more of a subjective nature, like love or friendship or something like that, then I probably feel like I deserve more without the earning component.
ELIAS: Do you?
JASON: (Laughs) Um…
ELIAS: That you deserve to be loved and you deserve to incorporate intimate friendships and you don’t have to do anything for that.
JASON: Mm-hm. I think I perceive that, that I don’t have to earn friendships or be something other than myself in order to maintain them.
ELIAS: Then why can’t you generate a relationship?
JASON: I think part of that has to do with my own conflicting energy around WANTING a relationship. But that to me is different than what happens with these people I’m attracted to, because I don’t necessarily want a relationship with them—I just want to feel like I can be more natural around them, like I’m not putting them on a pedestal.
ELIAS: But if you deserve without investing anything, then you could deserve to be engaging what you want with these individuals with or withOUT the intention of a potential relationship.
JASON: Yeah. I think the thing is that I just assume that they’re going to reject me.
ELIAS: Why?
JASON: That is definitely something…I think that that's… I think because I’m not white.
ELIAS: (Inaudible)
JASON: I think because I’m not tall. I think that those are the biggest factors around that.
ELIAS: You aren’t tall, and you aren’t white. Therefore, you are less than, not enough.
JASON: Yes.
ELIAS: Something else is more than you are, because it is better.
JASON: Or more that…like I don’t necessarily think that those things are better, but I think that socially that they’re more accepted. (Elias laughs) But yeah, I mean you can translate that to mean it’s better, yes.
ELIAS: What I would say to you, my friend, is if you are incorporating difficulty with something, with some subject that you think is socially less acceptable, that means that there is some aspect of YOU that believes that also.
JASON: Mm-hm.
ELIAS: Because YOU are projecting it.
JASON: Yeah.
ELIAS: That is the reason that I am asking these questions, because in that, I am prompting you to think about what you are saying. Look at your experience. Look at what you are reflecting to yourself. That is being expressed because of the energy that you are projecting first. I would express to you that there are many expressions in societies that are held en masse, but if an individual genuinely does not adhere to that themself, what they will reflect will be different from that which you term to be the norm.
Let me express in this manner: Let us use a simple example of sexual preference. Now; in that, you can obviously see that if an individual is presenting to themself obstacles and difficulties and a lack of acceptance, and experiences and situations in which they are not accepted or persecuted for their sexual preference, what would you say that individual is projecting? Would you say that that individual is entirely comfortable with themself?
JASON: No. I wouldn’t say that.
ELIAS: Would you say that it is likely there is some aspect of the individual that questions themself and questions whether they themself accept their expression as genuine to themself and that that is acceptable—or, are they paying attention to outside of themself and all of the expressions that tell them that their expression isn’t acceptable, and they are questioning that? They may not entirely believe that their own expression is bad or wrong, but they don’t entirely believe that it is acceptable also. They question.
JASON: Mm-hm.
ELIAS: Therefore, they also will express that they don’t deserve in the same capacity as other individuals.
Now; when you look at subjects such as race, that is something that is intrinsic to your being, just as much as your sexual preference. It is intrinsic to your being. Both of those expressions are. The color of your skin is intrinsic to your being in this focus. Your sexual preference is intrinsic to your being in this focus equally as much. Both those subjects can be expressed to you through your lifetime in a manner that influences you to question whether those parts of your being are acceptable, and whether you are a deserving individual BECAUSE of those parts of your being.
And THAT leads into other directions, that you will attempt to, in a manner of speaking, compensate for what you can’t change and what you question as whether it is entirely acceptable or not. Therefore, what will you compensate with? You compensate with what you do. If what you are is questionable, then that can be perhaps overridden by what you do. Therefore, if you generate a considerable amount of money, or if you express yourself in certain manners, or if you involve yourself with your community in certain capacities, dependent upon what you DO in actions, that might compensate and make the other parts of you, the other aspects of you, more acceptable. But it doesn’t change that factor that you are left with that question of what is enough.
JASON: Yeah. So how do you start to shift that?
ELIAS: (Chuckles) First of all, my friend, it is a matter of practicing being aware of you and being you, and not concerning yourself with outside sources. Let me express to you—
JASON: When you say outside sources, --
ELIAS: Yes.
JASON: --are you primarily referring to what other people think about me?
ELIAS: Yes.
JASON: Oh. Like being unconcerned with that?
ELIAS: Correct. Paying more attention to you and genuinely being you and genuinely expressing yourself as you, and not being concerned with what other individuals think, feel or do.
JASON: And let me just ask you, do you perceive that I’m very concerned with other people? Because I tend to think that I’m not that concerned with what other people are thinking about me. I mean, in the situation that I acknowledged, when you’re attracted to someone, then, yeah, I can understand that I would be paying more attention to them. But in general, do you think I’m doing that?
ELIAS: What I would say to you, my friend, is you presented this particular subject for a reason, because it is an obstacle. And the reason that it is important is because it is a gauge. In this, what I would say to you is you have been relatively careful in previewing those as friends and who you interact with, and in doing so, you don’t have to concern yourself with whether you are acceptable or not, for the most part, because you have, in being careful, chosen individuals that, in a manner of speaking, have proven themselves to be loyal.
JASON: Okay.
ELIAS: But when you step out of that comfort into new situations, into attractions, then what do you do? You expose you to you. You aren’t exposing yourself to other people—you are exposing yourself to you, in what you question about yourself.
Does that mean you are never comfortable? Of course not. Does that mean you never trust yourself? Of course not. But you chose this subject to engage with myself because it IS an obstacle and because it is an indicator of more than meets the eye.
JASON: Yeah.
ELIAS: That there are underlying factors that are a constant.
JASON: Right. And this is something… it’s not just men that I’m attracted to. It’s like my music career, and how I feel like I am very talented and have this great skill to DJ, but I’m also feeling like I’m not where I want to be in relation to that and like I should be farther.
ELIAS: And perhaps a part of that also may be that in your perception, the powers that be that are in place that would be the influences to MOVE you farther are not necessarily looking for someone like you.
JASON: Yeah. Or that they’re… okay, yeah, that they’re not looking for somebody like me, or that they don’t want to see me succeed.
ELIAS: Or IF they are looking for someone like you, they are looking for a particular expression and sound also, therefore you don’t necessarily fit the mold of what you perceive they are looking for.
JASON: Mm-hm.
ELIAS: Therefore, I agree with you. It isn’t merely your attraction to other individuals. This is a subject that is underlying, and it does affect you in other directions.
Nothing only affects you in one direction. Nothing you do, nothing you express affects you in only one direction, because everything is interconnected. You might only SEE something in one direction, but that doesn’t mean that it is only AFFECTING in one direction.
But if you genuinely are looking at yourself and the situation, as you are, then you begin to notice there are other areas in my life that being limited, and they are being limited for the same reason.
JASON: Yeah.
ELIAS: It may not necessarily be as cut and dried or as black and white, in a manner of speaking, as it is a matter of the color of your skin or that you aren’t tall enough, but rather you don’t fit the mold of what your perception tells you is acceptable.
JASON: Yeah, it's about fitting in. Yeah, I’ve always considered myself—
ELIAS: (Inaudible) your perception about yourself and your perception about other people, and does that include what other people think and feel and do? Yes, it does. What their perception is in relation to what is acceptable, and the factor that you don’t fit the mold, that IS a piece.
JASON: Mm-hm. So, how can I move in the direction of changing that, and reinforcing that I DO fit in?
ELIAS: Precisely in what I was expressing to you previously: you begin practicing genuinely merely being and expressing, and every time you become anxious, every time you are uncomfortable, every time you are doubting yourself, you stop, and you move in a different direction anyway, even though you don’t believe it yet. Which means, you allow yourself to be you and express yourself genuinely, even though you don’t believe that that is acceptable yet.
JASON: (Coughs) I feel anxious just even imagining that. (Coughs and both laugh)
ELIAS: I am understanding. First of all, remember: you don’t have to believe something initially to move in a particular direction. You don’t have to believe that it is acceptable for you to be yourself and express yourself—you don’t have to believe that. You will, eventually, but realistically acknowledging you don’t believe it yet, you don’t fit the mold, and therefore your perception is it isn’t necessarily safe or acceptable for you to be you genuinely and express you genuinely and not concern yourself with those outside sources, with what other people think, feel and do. But you can.
JASON: Yeah.
ELIAS: And in that, remember: your feelings are not an indicator of what type of energy you are projecting. And this exercise and practice is an excellent example of that, because you can be feeling anxious and feeling uncomfortable and DOING anyway. What you are DOING is the indicator of what energy you are projecting, not what you are feeling.
In that, you can begin moving in a direction in which you DO, regardless that you are feeling uncomfortable. And in that, as you practice doing, you will likely begin to notice a different reflection. You might see other individuals becoming also uncomfortable but not shielding themself.
JASON: Yeah. You know, I’ve noticed that too. Because I have overcome that anxiety and interacted regardless, and it’s interesting, because in those moments I start to see that the other person is attracted too, and…
ELIAS: And may be somewhat uneasy or—
JASON: Yeah, and…
ELIAS: — uncomfortable because they are questioning also.
JASON: Yeah. Why are we socialized to question ourselves? I mean, it just seems like that's a very wide-ranging issue, like with many people.
ELIAS: And I would say that of course, from the time you are very, very, very small you are being taught to do what? Consider yourself? No. Consider everyone else. That is a lot to pay attention to. Don’t pay attention to you—pay attention to what everybody else is doing and what they are thinking and what they are feeling, and gauge yourself by that. Learn to take cues from outside sources. Learn to cue off other individuals, for then you will know what is acceptable to express and what isn’t acceptable, what is appropriate and what isn’t appropriate, by cuing off of other individuals. Be sure to be paying attention to everyone outside of you, and that is how you gauge yourself.
Therefore, as you learn that and you practice that for years and years and years and years in your life, of COURSE you become confused. And you question yourself, and you convolute yourself, and you think you are not enough, and you hesitate and you withhold, and many situations seem unsafe, and you feel uncertain. Because the one thing that you definitely can trust, you’ve been told not to pay attention to.
JASON: Which is myself.
ELIAS: Yes.
JASON: So, when you say pay attention to ourselves or pay attention to myself, is there anything in particular that I should pay attention to? Because I mean that phrase—
ELIAS: Yes.
JASON: — is pretty general.
ELIAS: It doesn’t mean only pay attention to you to the exclusion of everything around you—definitely not. Obviously, when you are interacting with other individuals you will be paying attention to what they are doing and saying. And in that, you are interacting with them.
But in that, what I would say to you is, how do you pay attention to yourself? First thing is pay attention to what you are feeling.
Now; this is exceptionally important, my friend. Therefore, listen to this. Yes, first pay attention to what you are feeling, but don’t necessarily FOLLOW that feeling.
If you are recording this conversation, listen to that piece over and over and over again. (Jason laughs) DO NOT FOLLOW THAT FEELING.
You pay attention to what you are feeling. You notice it. You acknowledge it. How do you acknowledge it? You express to yourself, “What is this feeling? I'm feeling anxious.” Very well. You have defined it. Allow it to be what it is. You acknowledge it: “I feel anxious.” Very well. THAT IS IT. You don’t try to change it, you don’t try to push it away, you don’t express that it is unimportant, but you also don’t give it so much importance that you allow it to dictate what you do.
JASON: Yeah.
ELIAS: “I feel anxious,” and therefore you withdraw, or you run away, or you stop interacting. That is allowing the feeling to dictate what you do. No! You don’t do that.
Feelings are signals. They are not designed or meant to dictate your behavior. They are designed to alert you about what you are doing in the moment—not what you were doing five minutes ago, not what you may be doing five minutes later—what you are doing in the moment. Not what someone else is doing.
“I am upset. I am feeling hurt because this other individual did this or said this.” No! Other individuals don’t make you feel. Your feelings are generated by your body consciousness. They are yours and yours alone. They are intimately, intrinsically yours, and what they are doing is alerting you about what YOU are doing in the moment.
Therefore, the first thing you do is, you pay attention to is what you are feeling. You notice it, you acknowledge it, THEN you express it. Expressing the feeling is not explaining it. That means not talking about it. Expressing a feeling is done through an action and a sound, which can be laughing, crying, sighing, pounding, kicking, groaning, yelling, screaming, being giddy. That is expressing a feeling in the moment. Talking about what you are feeling in the moment is explaining it, not expressing it.
If you don’t express it, you don’t release it. If you don’t release it, you continue to hold it – which influences you to continue to pay attention to the feeling, which then influences you to FOLLOW THE FEELING and allow the feeling to dictate your behavior: “I'm angry, therefore, I'm in a bad mood.”
Moods are created by holding onto a feeling and allowing it to dictate to you.
JASON: Yeah. I definitely know that.
ELIAS: That is how moods are produced, is that you are holding on to a feeling, not expressing it, and allowing it to dictate your behavior. And it does, and it influences everything you do. Even if you aren’t actually FEELING it any longer, it still continues to color what you do.
Therefore, the first piece is the feeling: notice it, acknowledge it, address to it. THEN—then you choose. You have choice as your innate right. You can always choose.
You feel anxious in the moment as you meet a new individual and you are attracted to them, but you are feeling anxious, therefore your automatic expression, dictated by the feeling, would be to be ingenuine, which is shielding; or to be defensive, or to retreat, or to be quiet, or to not be quiet and to cover yourself with some type of false expression, presenting yourself as something that you actually aren’t, that you think is more attractive. Those are all expressions that you generate following the feeling.
But when you pause, you acknowledge the feeling, you express it and release it, then you choose: what do I want to do in this moment? And you don’t have to analyze everything.
Let me express to you, my friend, you can simplify tremendously by merely acknowledging whatever it is that you are feeling, which you can do in a fraction of a second, and then choose: what do I WANT TO BE in this moment? Who do I want to be, and what do I want to be in this moment, REGARDLESS OF THE FEELING? I noticed the feeling, I acknowledged it, but what do I want to do in this moment? Who do I want to be in this moment? And be that.
JASON: Yeah. That’s going to be challenging. I mean, it’s like… (Both laugh)
ELIAS: What I would say to you, my friend, is congratulations, because that is a very genuine response.
JASON: (Laughs) Yeah. As you were just saying—
ELIAS: But—
JASON: — imagining that, I’m like (inaudible). It’s just probably because I don’t ask myself those questions. I think my norm is to allow the feelings to dictate, and I don’t really have a RESPONSE to those questions (inaudible).
ELIAS: You will. But you will.
And in that, if your response initially is “I don’t know what I want to be. I don’t know who I want to be,” then merely allow yourself to just BE, for a moment. Because whatever your feelings are dictating to you, that isn’t your genuine self, and that isn’t what you want to be or who you want to be. Therefore, THAT is important to note to yourself.
Allowing your feelings to dictate to you isn’t genuinely who you want to be or what you want to be. Even though you think it is, it isn’t.
JASON: Yeah. Right. I have the feeling that kind of following my genuine self will lead to more abundance.
ELIAS: I would express, definitely. (Jason laughs) Definitely so. Yes. In every direction.
JASON: Mm-hm. Yeah. It’s definitely something I can like intellectually see the correlation, but the actual practice of it I think is going to be, at least initially, difficult.
ELIAS: But you will come to find, my friend, that as difficult as it may initially be, it is tremendously valuable and tremendously worth it. Because when you allow yourself to genuinely be you and express yourself genuinely, you will be successful in everything you do.
JASON: Yeah. Yeah. As I’m thinking about this too, it’s like, why am I not already doing that? Like why am I not expressing myself? It really comes down to a fear of rejection, which is what—
ELIAS: What I would say to you is the more genuine you are, the less rejected you will be. Because what generally is rejected is when individuals aren’t genuinely being themself. What is rejected is when they are already afraid—therefore, the fear—or when they are camouflaging, or when they are expressing some compensation for themself. All of those false expressions are rejected, not the genuine self.
JASON: This is something that I noticed, like when I’m out, say for instance at a bar. I feel like people are interested in me and simultaneously don’t want to express that.
ELIAS: Because you aren’t the only individual that has learned not to express yourself. (Both laugh)
JASON: Right.
ELIAS: But let me also say to you that that is another excellent and wondrous part of being genuine and expressing yourself is that when you do that, you encourage other individuals to do it also. Therefore, you don’t only give yourself that freedom, but you encourage other individuals to express that freedom also. Because if you can do it and they can see you do it, then they also very quickly assess [that] if you aren’t afraid, then they don’t have to be afraid either.
JASON: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think I hear that timer going off.
ELIAS: Think about you are always reflecting, my friend. Therefore, as much as you can actually see how you are reflecting when you aren’t being genuine or when you are being afraid or when you are questioning, you will equally be reflecting when you are being genuine and confident.
JASON: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think that this is going to just help me in a lot of ways, like… There’s so many things that I’ve been thinking about doing that I haven’t done, that—
ELIAS: And I will say to you again: stop thinking about, and take a step.
JASON: Right.
ELIAS: You use an incredible amount of time thinking. Stop thinking, and take a step.
JASON: I am going to do that (inaudible). (Both laugh)
ELIAS: And I would say to you, my friend, I shall be anticipating our next meeting and what you have accomplished in relation to what we have been discussing this day.
JASON: Yeah. Yeah. I (inaudible) have something to report back. (Both laugh)
ELIAS: I have no doubt. (Both laugh)
JASON: Well, this was a very, very stimulating conversation. I appreciate it and I appreciate your energy also, and I’m looking forward to having that conversation.
ELIAS: Excellent. I express tremendous encouragement to you, my friend.
JASON: Thank you.
ELIAS: You are becoming more and more self-aware, and you are aware enough at this point to begin to drop these obstacles and move in a direction of being more genuinely you, and therefore being much more successful BEING you also. (Chuckles)
I express tremendous lovingness to you, my dear friend, as always. And in great affection, au revoir.
JASON: Bye.
(Elias departs after 1 hour 2 minutes)
Copyright 2018 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.