Getting Through Holidays and Other Situations With People Who Don’t Share Your Guidelines
Topics:
“Getting Through Holidays and Other Situations With People Who Don’t Share Your Guidelines”
“Acknowledging One’s Sensitivity But Not Expecting That From Others”
“Evicting Someone Living Rent Free In Your Head”
Sunday, December 21, 2008 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Rose (Quillan)
ELIAS: Good afternoon!
ROSE: Good afternoon, Elias.
ELIAS: (Laughs) And what shall we discuss?
ROSE: I have a lot of topics today, as always. Let's start with relationships. This is one of the biggest issues right now. Okay?
ELIAS: Very well.
ROSE: We had this talk about my sister-in-law and the family and so on. I don't know if you remember that?
ELIAS: Yes.
ROSE: You do, okay. I want a little succession to this and relate it and connect it to other topics which are very timely right now going on. When I did this saying “Okay,” I was very clear that I don't want to continue like that, and so I expressed to my sister-in-law that I see that her perception is very correct for her; mine is just different, and my choice is not to be in contact any longer. I did that with a comparatively peaceful mind. I’m working on that more and more and more to whenever I express something, I make sure that I am very aware of what kind of quality I'm expressing in a specific moment, and I wait till I come from a very loving and peaceful energy until I express something verbally. And I work inside very much if there are sometimes emotions like anger or fear or whatever and I'm not clear, I’m confused and so on. I wait until I’m very clear and in this loving and peaceful spot till I really express myself verbally to the other person. But the topic I have to deal with currently is that it still creates tension when you... Or I perceive it as tension and not in a harmonious, relaxed atmosphere when we meet each other again, because we have an interface like my husband or whatever. And this tension, this unrelaxed atmosphere, is very hard for me to stand. I'm working on that, but I would really like to get some inspiring ideas from you about that.
ELIAS: And what is it that you perceive that you must engage this individual in certain situations?
ROSE: Let's take one example. This is the most difficult in the private life currently: my mother-in-law. She was here last Christmas and I perceived it as very stressful, and when Christmas was finished and some weeks were gone and I still was not fine with what had happened, I expressed to her that I really need to think over this relationship and I want to really have some distance in it for a while. And I did not say how long or anything, but I really needed this distance. And it is not fine – whenever she rings up, whenever there is something when my husband has her on the phone, it's just not relaxed. There is always this kind of discord and tension, and she continued to behave in a way that really did not attract me to make the distance smaller. In fact, I just wanted to continue to stay in this distance mode. That is painful for my husband because he would like to have it differently, and I don't like the tension. I'm so confused why I get triggered by the mindset of people so much.
And I've heard a story which is highly connected to this other person who was called "Wild Bill Cody," who was an occupant in a concentration camp. He was a linguist, and his wife and three daughters were shot in front of his eyes. And in this moment he made a kind of leap in his consciousness, and he had this decision to either hate or love unconditionally. And he made a leap to unconditional love, so he treated every other occupant, but also the jailors of this concentration camp, with the same unconditional love. And I find it a very fascinating story, but I cannot really accomplish this. I'm triggered by the mindsets of people, and I would like to grow into this "Wild Bill Cody" state but I'm not yet there. This is one of the things I want to address with you, how to do that.
ELIAS: Very well. When you are triggered, what is the threat?
ROSE: When I am what?
ELIAS: When you are triggered?
ROSE: Okay, when I am triggered, what is the threat? Um… (Pause)
ELIAS: Or let me express this: In your example with your mother-in-law, how does she express that triggers you? (Pause) What is it that she expresses that triggers you?
ROSE: It's like she's running you over. [Inaudible] She rings you up, and then she says what she wants but in a way that's kind of like… She's not saying, “Am I disturbing you? Do you have a little time for me? I would have a question or I would have this or that;” she just comes in and she's like a princess –and that is just an image, just like everything has to circle around her at once. She doesn't really care about where the other is, or how the other is; that's the way one can perceive it. I mean, I know there are different ways to perceive it. But if I would address it, it's highly probable that she would say I am nasty, I’m not friendly and so on.
The next thing is that she's saying this but meaning something very different. She's not genuine.
And then the next thing is that she... Okay, we can go with these two. I don't like it. (Laughs) I just don't like it! And I just cannot express myself genuinely, because then I would be the nasty one, and then there would be even more turmoil. I don't want to play along this game, so the only chance that I see I have is to withdraw.
ELIAS: Now; can you see the threat?
ROSE: The threat is… the threat is I feel overrun by her, not respected, not seen. And the threat is that I shall be the bad one and I will be the one who has brought up the next turmoil, and it ripples into the whole family and I just don't....
ELIAS: I am understanding.
ROSE: Okay! Okay, okay.
ELIAS: Now; you are moving ahead of yourself, for you are expressing what you perceive to be the consequences, and I asked, “What is the threat?” You did identify the threat, for the threat is that you feel devalued – you feel not seen, or not heard. And in that, the reason that is presented as a threat is that you want to be acknowledged by this individual, and that sets you in a direction of being disappointed over and over again.
In this, it is a matter of evaluating and questioning yourself, why is it important that this individual acknowledge you? It is important that YOU acknowledge you. Now, you move into the consequences of being the bad one, the individual that expresses in a manner that creates turmoil, and that ripples out throughout the family. But the consequence is also associated with the threat, for if you are acknowledging yourself and you are not seeking that acknowledgement from other individuals, it is not necessary for you to instruct the other individual as to what they are doing wrong or what they are not engaging. It is not a matter of importance any longer that you are informing the other individuals of what they are doing or what their perception is. You have created this idea that you are expressing yourself and that you are acknowledging the other individual when you express that you see that their perception is different from your own but that you cannot engage in those situations and engage interaction with them because of those differences of perception.
What you are actually doing is not acknowledging the other individual, you are not being accepting of what the other individual is expressing, and you are also not acknowledging yourself and not accepting your own expression as valid. What you ARE doing is, you are generating a judgment in relation to what the other individual is doing – which is not bad, but you are moving a step more in that by moving yourself in the direction of creating your own consequence by informing the other individual of what they are doing, or how they are expressing, and in that, you are also projecting an energy of expectation of the other individual to change, and that if they cannot change, you cannot engage them. Therefore, you offer yourself only two options, the black and the white: either the consequence or removal.
But in actuality, the situation is initiated by you, and it is not AS much in relation to how the other individual is expressing or how the other individual is behaving; it is more a matter of that is not necessarily your guideline – and your guidelines are acceptable – but also IN your guidelines, you want them to be acknowledged by outside sources rather than moving in the direction of being comfortable with you and being satisfied and acknowledging of how you express and not generating the expectation that the other individual will express similarly.
It is not necessarily a matter of removing yourself, but it is definitely not a matter of informing the other individual of what they are doing. For, you are correct, that merely creates conflict, and you are also correct that it does ripple out, for you are rippling that energy outward.
In association with your partner and family – and I am understanding the implications of holidays and the significance of families participating with each other, and many times that does create friction, but in this, it is a matter of allowing yourself to move in the direction of your comfort, therefore pay attention to the elements that are comfortable for you and not to pay attention to the expressions that are uncomfortable for you.
When you are in the same physical proximity to these other individuals, rather than confronting them or informing them of their own behaviors, and also rather than you being silent and removing yourself in relation to interaction or communication – [and] you may be physically present, but you may be removing yourself from engaging. In this, you continue to express the same energy. You are continuing to express an opposing energy, for regardless of whether you are actually engaging the other individuals, your energy is continuing to repel them, for you are continuing to generate the association that you do not like the manner in which they express themselves and you do not agree with it, and you view that as being disrespectful and selfish and inconsiderate. And for you to express in that manner WOULD be, for those are your guidelines.
And therefore, it is a matter of acknowledging your own guidelines and allowing yourself to adhere to them but not expecting other individuals to conform to them, and in that, not removing yourself from the other individuals while you are simultaneously physically present – and therefore, as I have expressed, continuing to generate that opposing energy regardless – but perhaps rather to experiment and generate some new actions that can allow you to be physically present in proximity with these individuals and not be distressed and not be irritated.
Now; perhaps one manner that you could experiment with is, are there any other individuals in these family situations that you ARE comfortable with? And are there any children?
ROSE: There are a couple, yes. There are no children.
ELIAS: No children; very well. But there are some individuals that you are comfortable with, correct?
ROSE: Yes.
ELIAS: Very well.
Now; perhaps what you can experiment with is to engage those individuals first, allowing yourself to establish a comfortable energy, and rather than directly engaging the other individuals such as your mother-in-law or your sister-in-law, observe how they interact with the individuals that you are comfortable with, and observe how those individuals that you ARE comfortable with interact with them. In this, you are not directly participating, but you allow yourself to be in a position to be observing a different interaction than your own. And in that, you can view in what points will another individual begin to become agitated, or do they, and how much the other individual can engage these two individuals without an irritation or without a frustration.
In this, you are generating more of a study in behaviors than actually engaging the individuals, and therefore, there is removed that direct threat to you – that threat being threatening your guidelines and you moving in the direction of wanting the acknowledgement of your guidelines from the other individuals, which merely creates disappointment, for they are not expressing that, and most likely will not express that, for they are generating different guidelines, and that dictates what THEIR behavior will be.
In this, if you can move in some creative different avenues, which does not remove yourself but allows you to observe different manners of engaging, you can be more playful and less agitated in those situations.
I am understanding that you do incorporate the option to remove yourself entirely but, as you have expressed, that also incorporates its own consequences, for that creates tension or strain between yourself and your partner – which is not necessary, for that is allowing outside influences and expressions to affect your relationship with your partner. Therefore, if you are allowing yourself to engage physical proximity with the other family members by engaging them in a different manner, that may reduce that opposing energy, and it may also eventually defuse their expectations that you WILL create some troublesome situation or some opposing or disapproving energy – which can also be a game that you can play and experiment with, with yourself, for you can assure yourself that they are looking for that. They are expecting and anticipating you to be generating, or to be the source of, some agitation or some conflict, and therefore allowing them their payoff of their own satisfaction that they were correct and allowing them to move into blaming. But if you are not playing their game – just as you expressed that you do not want to play their game – if you do not want to play THEIR game, create your own game in how much you will not satisfy their expectation to be the troublesome factor, that this is not the direction that you want to engage, and therefore you choose to be directing and engaging the choices of how the game pieces will move rather than merely being a game piece that you allow them to move around.
ROSE: Yes, okay. Can we take this a little bit further?
ELIAS: If you wish.
ROSE: I wish. Okay, we have a situation in our company. We have two parts. One is, let's say, guided by my husband and myself, and this is based very much on trust and on cooperation in a positive way. And the other area of the company is guided by one person, which is very much different in many ways, and he's much more into control. That's how I describe him, because I perceive him like that. I see a movement in him towards a change, but on the other hand he is one who is very different. I’m trying to save time so I'm not so much describing him, but there is a lot of tension between him and myself, or I perceive it like that. And there is another person working for him.
This person is like the boss, starting to control a lot. Actually, he's a young man, and he's very often stepping over boundaries and it's like power struggles and pecking order topics which are suddenly going on. I'm not interested in that, and simultaneously unpleasantly excited when this happens, just energetically.
One day my husband really freaked out, and this other man… For example, when you ask him something he sometimes simply doesn't answer. And I try to work very much for him in a way that he has it easy and have his back free for the things he has to do, and when I needed him to answer he just simply didn't answer. So one day I said No, this is enough and I don't want to continue like that, so what will I do? And what I decided to do, I said okay, I wrote an email and at that moment I didn't engage a personal conversation. We were not in the same building, but I was in my village and he was in the city. And so when he hadn’t answered and hadn’t answered, I made a decision for myself. I said, “Okay, please give this part of my tasks which are next to you to somebody else. Thank you.” And he didn't answer again, and he just acted along and he did what I asked him to do.
My husband was very angry about that, and he addressed it. The other boss just said, “Who did start this?” And my husband said, “You. You. In this case you did start it, because you never answer.” And sometimes my husband overexaggerates, but it's a lot of turmoil.
I see there are two different systems running in this company. One is based on fear and control, and the other one is based on trust and cooperation. It's not that one is good and one is bad, but there is a lot of tension and this tension, it's hard for me to stand it, to cope with it. (Emotionally) I said to my husband, “I don't want go there anymore, this is too much.” And again, I’m the baddie in there. I feel that I'm the one bringing stuff to the surface, and it's hard. It's hard. And sometimes I have a feeling like I cannot cope with people at all! I want to have some inspiring thoughts of you. Okay...
ELIAS: First of all, express to myself, why did your partner confront the situation that you had already addressed to?
ROSE: I think one of the reasons is because it happened to his wife over and over again that this person behaved in a way that was for me hard to stand. I had a problem with it. I didn't like this cold kind [of behavior] he sometimes displays. It’s not all the way through, but sometimes he's really... you could say like disrespectful. It’s not personal, because he is doing it with everyone. But I have a hard time with that, because I have different preferences. Okay; my husband kind of accumulated several angers, and maybe this was just a trigger for him, like the drop that runs the thing over. He was feeling so bad, he said, in his own company, that he didn't want to feel like that. That was the main thing, why he went over.
ELIAS: Very well.
Now; in that clarification, what I will express to you is that what occurred was not your fault. You addressed to your own situation in a manner that allowed you your own least conflict scenario, and I am acknowledging of that. You chose to address to this individual and express yourself in a manner that is very keeping with your guidelines and expressed not in a conflicting manner but that you were generating a choice, and in that, although the individual did not directly respond to you, he did comply with what you expressed and what your choice was and implemented that.
Now; the involvement of your partner was not you and was not your fault. In this, he was generating his OWN response. Yes, I would express that you were a participant in that in being somewhat of a catalyst, but what he engaged was associated with his own issues and his own directions and his own dissatisfactions; it was not you. Therefore, the first direction to address to is to stop blaming yourself, that you are not a cause. You are generating choices for yourself, to allow yourself to be more comfortable and to not move in directions that you notice generate a significant discomfort for you, but you are not the cause of other individuals' expressions or conflicts.
Now; in this, I would express an acknowledgement of the relationship that you incorporate with your partner and in the business also, and therefore, your partner incorporates some similar guidelines as yourself.
Now; the other individual, once again, incorporates very different guidelines, and his perception of what he does is not necessarily controlling or instilling or prompting fear in his perception. In HIS perception he is being very structured, and in his perception that is good and that benefits the business and that is what you do in business, you express in a very structured manner. That is not necessarily correct, but many individuals do perceive in this manner.
In this, you are also correct that how he interacts, how he responds or how he does not respond is not intended personally. You are correct in your observation that he expresses in this manner naturally, regardless of who he is engaging with. And in this, he also perceives that as being a factor of his structure.
I am also acknowledging of you that you were paying attention to yourself and recognizing that his methods and his structure are not necessarily comfortable for you, and therefore allowing yourself to evaluate what YOUR choices are and what you would choose to do to allow yourself to BE more comfortable.
Now; one other point in this is that you were moving in the direction previously of accommodating this individual and doing for this individual, which I acknowledge in a very genuine intention to be helpful. But in relation to the other individual’s perception, that becomes expected, and that generates, once again, another situation in which you feel unappreciated, you are not being acknowledged, and therefore, you become disappointed for you are not being acknowledged or appreciated.
I would express that this is a significant challenge for you, presently. You have presented yourself with several examples that are very present in your reality of how you express this automatic expectation – for that is what it is – that other individuals will acknowledge you and will approve of what you do and who you are.
Another factor that is involved is that you are a very sensitive individual. That sensitivity can be very beneficial to you in many, many directions. It can be very beneficial to you in relation to intuition and also to compassion with other individuals, but it also at times creates uncomfortable situations for yourself, for you express so naturally your own sensitivity that it is almost incomprehensible to you why other individuals do not express that type of sensitivity. And once again, this is a matter of differences, and as I expressed at the onset of this particular wave [Emotion Wave], this is one element of this wave that may be very challenging for many individuals, for it is not merely a matter of concept or intellectualizing differences; you are EXPERIENCING differences. And now you are generating through those experiences why differences create such a threat and why they are so important to accept rather than oppose, for they create significant conflicts.
And let me express you, accepting is not moving in the direction of necessarily liking what the other individual is doing. It is not necessary for you like it or for you to APPROVE of it, but that you accept that this is a difference and that for the other individual it is not necessarily bad.
ROSE: Elias, I have an idea that I do accept it; the only thing is, it still is perceived – not only on my end – as a challenging situation, and the challenge sometimes seems to be, or many times seems to be, experienced as unpleasant and tension-full in an unpleasant way. And we cannot all physically move to different islands where these people are and that people are and so and so.
ELIAS: You are correct.
ROSE: So I think it is very much a matter of moving or removing or, you know, combining what is a good combination and a beneficial combination if you are interested in a non-conflict scenario, which I am very much. But in the interim solution, because you… When I remove myself from this company and then I have the same situation as I had in several areas before, then I have to look for something else to make myself self-sufficient. It would remove some burden from my husband's shoulders and so on and so forth, and it is it is combined with so many other topics all the time.
ELIAS: I am understanding, my friend, and this is the reason that I am expressing that it is important for you to acknowledge your own sensitivity but not to expect that from other individuals, for you merely set yourself in a direction for disappointment and BEING uncomfortable. It is a matter of acknowledging yourself and knowing within yourself that you are satisfied with yourself, and in that, yes, other individuals may behave and may express in manners that you do not agree with or that you do not like, but it is a matter of paying more attention to you than you are to them.
ROSE: Okay, how do I stop thinking about it so much? In other words, that is a question I have all the time. Is there a session like the “thinking, thinking, thinking,” or would you recommend a session which has already happened for me to read to get this answer so I have more time for the other answers which are not already addressed?
ELIAS: I would express that it is a matter of catching yourself when you ARE thinking, thinking, thinking and when you ARE concentrating upon other individuals and what they are doing, to inquire of yourself what you are doing in that moment – which will be easy to answer, for you are concerning yourself with another individual.
Now; once you respond to yourself with that – for that is the easy answer – inquire of yourself what do you want to be doing in that moment. Remove the other individual from your perception entirely.
ROSE: Okay.
ELIAS: In that moment, whatever other individual you are engaging your attention with or you are concerning yourself with, now they do not exist; therefore, it is only you, and what you yourself want to do in this very moment.
ROSE: Okay.
ELIAS: In that, you change your energy – and it can be expressed in any situation. You can even be physically in the presence of another individual, and momentarily you can disappear them. They do not exist. You are alone in that location, and it is merely a matter of “What do I want to do in this moment?”
Now; I would also express to you that for the most part, you occupy more time thinking about the other individuals than actually engaging them.
ROSE: Because I find it very often so difficult to be with them, and (laughing) I cannot stand more being with them, and –
ELIAS: I am understanding, but this is a point in which it is significant for you to actually recognize that the actual physical time that you engage with the individuals that you are uncomfortable with is considerably less than the time that you engage THINKING about these individuals.
ROSE: I agree, I agree.
ELIAS: Therefore, what you have allowed to occur is, you have allowed these individuals to take up residence and be renting rooms in your head. Therefore, without even being physically present, they are continuously present with you. But they are not serving you, and they are creating a situation in which you are considerably uncomfortable for a considerable time framework in each day. In this, when you find yourself thinking about any of these individuals, I would express to you to stop, pretend that the individual IS physically in front of you but is very, very tiny. (Rose laughs) This individual is so very tiny that it could actually physically fit in your head.
Now; in that moment, rather than thinking of the individual you can engage your thought mechanism in a different manner which will be much more playful and much more comfortable and less exhausting by addressing to this very, very tiny individual and perhaps even pointing your finger at them and expressing, “You are not paying your way. You are not paying your rent in my head. Therefore, you no longer are allowed to occupy that room in my head, for you do not pay for it. Therefore, you are now evicted. Find another room to reside, for this room is closed.”
And if you have to evict each individual from their rooms in your head several times, it matters not.
[The timer for the end of the session rings]
It is an action that you can engage and that will accomplish several different expressions simultaneously: it will accomplish interrupting that uncomfortable thought process; it will interrupt an opposing energy; it will acknowledge you; it will change your energy into a more playful energy; and it will allow you an avenue to release all this energy that you are holding to in relation to these other individuals. But in this action, be quite sure to generate the image of each of these individuals in a very tiny form. (Chuckles) In that, YOU incorporate the power and the choices, my friend, not them, and you will be expressing that power in relation to these tiny individuals that occupy so much room. (Chuckles)
ROSE: (Laughs) I must experiment with this.
ELIAS: (Laughs) And perhaps it may be somewhat fun and allow you to feel somewhat more comfortable. (Chuckles)
ROSE: I have, if I may, three or four quick questions.
ELIAS: I would express that you can incorporate one.
ROSE: Okay, one. Oh my, which one? Did you set off the alarm in my bathroom?
ELIAS: Yes.
ROSE: Powerful action. (Both laugh) Okay. Thank you very much.
ELIAS: You are very welcome, my friend. I shall greatly be anticipating of our next meeting, and I shall be offering my energy to you in tremendous encouragement. You can accomplish and stop blaming yourself. (Chuckles)
ROSE: Okay. Thank you.
ELIAS: In tremendous lovingness and in great appreciation of you, my friend, au revoir.
(Elias departs after 62 minutes)
Copyright 2008 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.