Wisdom in the Pause: Relax Rather Than React
Topics:
"Wisdom in the Pause: Relax Rather Than React"
“Changing Relationships with Daughters and Wife”
"Expressing Preferences Without Discounting Others"
“Structure in Retirement”
"Honoring Differences in a Partnership"
Session 20070428 (2257)
"Wisdom in the Pause: Relax Rather Than React"
“Changing Relationships with Daughters and Wife”
"Expressing Preferences Without Discounting Others"
“Structure in Retirement”
"Honoring Differences in a Partnership"
Saturday, April 28, 2007 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Anon
ELIAS: Good morning!
ANON: Good morning.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) Welcome.
ANON: It’s been a very long time, I think, since we spoke. I can’t even remember how long it’s been, but it’s not days or months, it’s been years.
ELIAS: (Laughs) And what shall we discuss now?
ANON: Well, I can think of a whole number of subjects to suggest, but the general category, I guess, would be relationships. I’ll start with the relationships between myself and my two daughters and the relationships that they have with each other, and the relationship that they have with my wife, and to try to get your advice, if possible, with respect to how these relationships have changed and are changing and whether that’s good or not so good. That’s a big mouthful, I suppose.
ELIAS: (Laughs) I would agree. And where shall we begin?
ANON: To begin, I think that as my daughters get older that they probably need to have more independence and less counsel from me and from [wife]. Would you agree with that?
ELIAS: I would agree.
ANON: Okay. And that they need to be independent and that they probably need to only… I’ll put it another way. The only times probably that I should be involved, or [wife] should be involved, is when they seek us to be involved. Would you agree with that also?
ELIAS: Yes. I would agree.
ANON: Okay.
ELIAS: If they are requesting your involvement or your support or your advice, that would be one direction. But many times, offering in a manner that you think is helpful when it is not requested is actually not helpful.
ANON: Right. And it’s hard to know in advance, because the temptation in any conversation is to take the role of the parent and to offer advice before it’s requested.
ELIAS: I am understanding, but you can also alter how you interact. In this, you can allow yourself that natural inclination to be helpful, but in a different manner. Rather than offering instruction or offering what you would view as guidance, it may be more beneficial and more supportive when you are interacting with them to merely share. In this, as they are expressing themselves, you can approach the situation in a different manner and merely share your own experiences. This offers a type of frame of reference, in one respect; it also offers a supportive interaction, for the other individual feels more understood but not judged. And in that, they also are not receiving your energy in an instructional manner, and therefore there is no threat that is expressed in relation to them.
ANON: Yes. It makes a lot of sense, the way you put it. In the actual moment of conversation, it almost sounds to me as though it’s a fine line between sharing, offering a frame of reference, and stepping over that line and intending to instruct. I think it takes a lot of, what shall I say, concentration to not cross over that line.
ELIAS: I am understanding. But in this, it may be helpful to you in your interactions with them to allow yourself to pause momentarily before responding. Allow yourself to genuinely listen, and before responding, pause momentarily and evaluate what your motivation is in whatever your response is about to be.
ANON: Very good point.
ELIAS: Let me express to you, it incorporates much more time to explain pausing and evaluating than it does to actually do it, for you can generate that evaluation of what your motivation is in your response very quickly, within a matter of seconds.
ANON: Mm-hm. I hope you’re right. (Elias laughs) But I must put it to the test, I think, just to find out for sure. But pausing, listening and not necessarily rapidly responding sounds like that’s very, very good advice. And also, it may be that directions that either or both of my daughters choose to take could very well be directions that I personally would not choose to take.
ELIAS: Yes. I would agree. And that creates a difficulty. I am quite understanding. For this expression of difference and the differences in each individual’s guidelines that motivate them to generate certain choices can create – and very often does create – conflict between individuals. For it may be difficult to stop and recognize that although YOU may not choose to incorporate certain directions that another individual will, that is not to say that their direction is wrong. It is different and it may be wrong for you, for it would be moving in opposition to your own guidelines, but what I would express to you as a reminder is that regardless of what an individual is doing, and regardless of whether it is comfortable or uncomfortable in their experiences, if they continue to participate within this reality, they ARE continuing to generate their own individual value fulfillment.
ANON: Yes.
ELIAS: In this, individuals express differently in relation to their guidelines, and some individuals offer themselves information more effectively if they are generating some type of experience that IS uncomfortable, for they will pay attention to that more so. It may seem illogical to some, and it may seem puzzling at times, for the automatic question is, “Why would any individual choose uncomfortable experiences that generate pain in their experiences?” But that question arises within individuals that generate different guidelines and would not choose those types of experiences; therefore, it creates difficulty in understanding.
But I will express to you, understanding is not always necessary, for —
ANON: So, taking that point and taking what you said earlier on – the pausing, the listening and genuinely listening and then recognizing that the path that they choose may not be the path that I choose – at some point would it still not be appropriate for me to express my disagreement with the path that they might choose?
ELIAS: It is not necessarily inappropriate to express your disagreement, but once again, I would suggest to you that you evaluate what your motivation is IN expressing your disagreement, and whether it is actually necessary. What do you hope to accomplish in expressing your disagreement? And, what manner are you expressing your disagreement? For this is significant. You can express disagreement with another individual but in a manner that does not discount them.
ANON: Ah. Very good.
ELIAS: In a manner that is merely your own expression and in a manner that conveys that you are aware that these are YOUR preferences and YOUR choices, and that YOU would not engage in the directions of the other individuals but that you are not discounting their choices as wrong.
ANON: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
ELIAS: Just as in a hypothetical example, if you were to engage a conversation with another individual regarding perhaps political issues, and you express in one direction and may incorporate strong convictions in your own direction, and the other individual may incorporate a very different opinion which may even appear to be opposing. But if you are comfortable and satisfied and trusting of yourself in your opinion, knowing that your opinion is right for you but it is not absolutely right, in that, you can actually listen to the other individual’s opinion and feel no necessity to verbally disagree with them.
ANON: This is very well said. That’s very, very helpful and just very helpful the way you put it, too. And I suppose, if I change the subject a little bit and not talk just about my relationship with my two daughters but their relationship with each other – which they not always stay constant and may sometimes have sharp friction between two young people who I believe love each other very much – it’s hard to stand back sometimes and observe that. But I guess standing back is the best thing to do. Would you agree with that conclusion?
ELIAS: Yes, I would agree. For the relationship and the dynamic between these two individuals is complex, for I am aware they do incorporate a very strong affection for each other and they also incorporate a very strong bond between them, but they incorporate very strong differences. And the difficulty with that situation is that they are very familiar with comparing themselves to each other and attempting to be alike, when in actuality they incorporate very strong differences. Therefore, their struggle is becoming acclimated to those differences and perceiving them in a different manner, moving to the point in which they can perceive those differences as complements to each other rather than oppositions with each other.
ANON: But that’s something that they probably need to accomplish themselves.
ELIAS: Yes.
ANON: I don’t think that I can be an instrument of help in that, that you just described.
ELIAS: You are correct – other than offering your supportiveness to each of them independently.
ANON: Okay.
ELIAS: But in relation to an involvement in what they are struggling to accomplish with each other, no. This is not your responsibility, and you cannot change that situation; that is for them to address to with each other. And I will express to you, knowing both of these energies and their directions, it may in actuality incorporate some time framework for them to accomplish this, but I am quite confident that they will. It is a matter of moving through some very strongly held perceptions and very familiar perceptions and patterns that have been created that are very strong, but they can each accomplish in this area.
Your role would be well served to interact with each of them individually and to offer your supportiveness to each of them individually, but to view them very individually and for you also not to compare, and in that, not contribute to that energy that they are already struggling with in that comparison.
ANON: Mm-hm. Okay. It may be that these patterns that you describe for each of them in their lives go back to their childhood, go back to their relationships perhaps with me and with their mother, but maybe it doesn’t make a difference where these patterns came from except to recognize that they’re there.
ELIAS: Correct.
ANON: And as you said, that they need to solve them. And I’m going to repeat what I think you said, is that the best help that I can offer is to try to be helpful to them individually.
ELIAS: Yes.
ANON: And not compare.
ELIAS: Yes. That is a very important point. And in this also, let me express to you, when they are together in your presence, it would serve you and them much more effectively for you to express a neutrality, in which you can genuinely express your genuine appreciation and affection for each of them, for both of them, but also to be expressing a neutrality as to not encourage any friction between them. In this, you can serve as somewhat of a stabilizing role in which, in your presence, they enter into the ceasefire zone. (Both laugh)
ANON: Yes. (Laughs) You know, you’ve said a great deal, and everything you’ve said makes very, very strong sense to me. The issue that I have is up to me, I think, to solve: it’s the issue of execution. (Both laugh) And I can envision, to use your words, that I need to take many pauses.
ELIAS: (Laughs) Perhaps initially, but I will express to you, my friend, with practice this may become much more automatic, and it will also be helpful in allowing you to become more familiar with relaxing rather than reacting.
ANON: Oh boy. (Laughs) You’ve touched on the story of my life. (Both laugh) Okay: relaxing –
ELIAS: Yes.
ANON: -- rather than reacting.
ELIAS: Yes. For if you pause, you allow yourself a moment to relax rather than immediately reacting and responding.
ANON: It makes so much sense, what you’re saying, and I think it’s a statement that probably, although I’ve lived a few years already, that I should try to carry through to the rest of my life, because my nature is to react and not to pause, and that’s not a good thing. I realize that.
ELIAS: Let me express to you, my friend, wisdom is found in the pause.
ANON: I really appreciate that. I think, you know, the general subject that I hoped to pursue this morning is the subject of relationships. I think that the relationship between myself and my wife is also reaching a different level, because I hope that I’ve come to appreciate who she is, what she is, what her strengths are and to appreciate those strengths and not what differences may occur over forty-plus years of married life. So I think what you are telling me with respect to [daughters] and their relationship with each other probably applies to the relationship between myself and my wife.
ELIAS: Yes. I would agree.
ANON: And all of the words, too, to appreciate, in the case of [wife], what’s important to her and what’s part of her life, and to appreciate that is a step in deepening a relationship, which should be good for both of us, I would think.
ELIAS: Yes, I would also agree. And remind yourself what you value. Many times individuals react to the expressions of other individuals, and it is so automatic that they are actually objectively unaware of WHY they are even reacting and whether what they are reacting to is actually valuable to them. Many times what the individual is reacting to is NOT actually valuable to them, but it is a familiar response. And generally speaking, most occurrences in which an individual is reacting, that is being motivated by some element of defense within the individual themself.
ANON: You said some element of defense?
ELIAS: Yes. That when another individual expresses in a particular manner or generates a particular behavior, there is an automatic defense that occurs within you, and that creates the reaction. You may not necessarily FEEL defensive, but that is what is motivating the reaction, for the other individual is expressing in a manner that touches your guideline, which is different. And it may be in a manner that is distressing to you, or it may be that they are expressing a behavior or a direction that you view to be unimportant and therefore, a waste of time and energy.
ANON: And it sort of goes back to what you said in a different context just a few moments ago: It’s learning, to quote you, to relax rather than to react.
ELIAS: Yes.
ANON: And I think you also said that with practice that that ability can grow to become more, I think, automatic is what you said.
ELIAS: Quite so.
ANON: If the element of defense is an automatic reaction, it sort of suggests some reprograming along the way – a different response. Relaxing, as you say, rather than reacting.
ELIAS: Yes.
ANON: Am I correct in that?
ELIAS: Yes. You are. And in this, as you incorporate that pause to relax rather than to react, in that evaluation of what is motivating the reaction, you can evaluate what are you incorporating in this interaction as a threat that is generating that automatic reaction of defense? For many, many, many times individuals are defending and are unaware that they are defending.
If you are justifying, you are defending.
ANON: Yes. And then, if you could pursue that a little further, let’s assume that you’re justifying, that you’re defending, then what’s the next step?
ELIAS: To first of all recognize whether your response is a justification or not, for if it is, you are defending. And in that, you can inquire of yourself, "What are you defending? And is it necessary to BE defending? And what is it that you feel inwardly that you must be defending? Do you feel unheard? Do you feel concerned with the other individual’s perception of you or how they are receiving you?"
These are all actions that occur within you, in which you are opposing your own self in concerning yourself with the other individual’s expression. And concern and caring are two very different expressions. You can be very much caring but not be concerned with how the other individual is perceiving. And concern many times gives way into assuming personal responsibility for another individual. And when you generate that, you begin to generate a very large opposing energy, for you are discounting yourself and you are discounting the other individual, and that creates conflict.
But in this, as you genuinely allow yourself even to practice with recalling – temporarily – previous situations and allowing yourself to evaluate your response in those situations and what generated that response, that may allow you to become more familiar with some automatic responses that you generate now. I am not expressing in long-term past experiences, but perhaps in recent experiences in which you have noticed that you generated a reaction that did not quite produce the outcome that you wanted.
In that, you can offer yourself examples of these automatic responses that you generate and what motivates them. And that will allow you to be more aware now and futurely, and it will encourage you more to actually generate that pause prior to a reaction and encourage you to be generating that evaluation of what is your motivation: What do you think you will accomplish? Are you justifying? Are you justifying yourself? Are you justifying another individual? And if so, you will know immediately that is a defense. "What is it that I perceive needs defending? And is it my expression or my position to be defending it?" Especially if what you are justifying is another individual.
ANON: Hm. That’s really a great deal of wisdom in what you’ve just said, and I’m thinking very hard how to make what you said more an automatic response – or practice, as you said, to have it become a more automatic response. But I do understand what you’re saying and I appreciate it. So, the task then is for me to put it to good use, I think.
ELIAS: (Laughs) I would agree. And remember: It is not your responsibility to be justifying or defending another individual; that is their responsibility to address to. And you are actually not being helpful when you generate that action, for rather than accomplishing what you want to accomplish in being helpful, you are actually generating the reverse, for you are discounting the other individual that they are not equipped enough to express themself.
ANON: Oh, that’s very powerful. And I appreciate what you’re saying, and I think that in the past that I’ve been guilty of having the reverse of what I hope to accomplish by not expressing neutrality. So, that truly is very helpful.
ELIAS: But do not discount yourself, my friend, for change can be effected in every moment; therefore, it is pointless to be chiding yourself for what may have occurred pastly, but allow yourself to appreciate those experiences as now offering you information in which you can proceed more effectively.
ANON: Okay. I will definitely try to put that to good use. (Elias laughs)
I wonder if I could introduce one slightly different subject in this conversation. I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to ask, but I’ve had a long career, business-wise, in doing what I’ve been doing. And one wonders as one’s age increases – I’m 74 years old – whether…
Many people that I’ve grown up with – classmates, etc. – are people who have retired. I have not retired, I go to work every day. And I think to myself, what else should I do with my life? Because the notion of retiring scares me. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I woke up in the morning and didn’t have the challenges of what I’m used to doing. And yet I think that there is a time when I should be looking to do something else with the time that I have left to live, and I’m in good health. It’s a puzzlement. (Both laugh)
ELIAS: I would express to you, first of all, do not overwhelm yourself. But you can begin in increments now, discovering what you enjoy, discovering what your preferences are and what you like to do. I am quite understanding that your natural flow of energy moves very efficiently and effectively with structure, and this is the reason that you continue to incorporate your employment, for this is comfortable to you, to incorporate that structure and that knowing of routine, which you move very well within.
In that, knowing that you flow naturally in structure, you can set on a new treasure hunt to discover different actions that you enjoy that will also incorporate some element of structure, which you can allow yourself to engage but you continue to incorporate that element of repetitiveness and structure and therefore will continue to express your own comfort. Perhaps engage your partner also, and discover what she enjoys, and in that, perhaps you together can discover what activities you enjoy together.
But I would strongly suggest that you do this in increments, that you merely allow yourself perhaps a small time framework each day to be engaging this new discovery, but not actually to be overwhelming yourself in the question of whether you should retire or not and being that black and white. Allow yourself a time framework to become acclimated to incorporating other types of actions.
And once you begin to genuinely recognize what activities you enjoy doing, allow yourself in increments to begin engaging those activities and perhaps allow yourself to slowly, incrementally, engage your business less. It is not a matter in which you must stop or continue moving, but allowing yourself to transition into new directions. The stopping can be quite overwhelming, for it is, in a manner of speaking, somewhat necessary for you to become familiar with you first and to become familiar with what your preferences actually are, rather than merely moving in automatic pilot.
ANON: Hm. That’s very, very interesting. In fact, I think that the notion of stopping – black and white, as you say – is not only overwhelming, it’s frightening.
ELIAS: Yes.
ANON: It’s a departure from what’s, in a way, comfortable. (Laughs)
ELIAS: Yes. I am quite understanding.
ANON: Yes.
ELIAS: And this is not unusual and it is not bad, for what you are recognizing in part is that this IS a natural flow of energy for you. Some individuals do not function well within rigidness or much structure. Some individuals function very well within the comfort of structure, and if that is removed, the individual can be very overwhelmed and floundering, for they are unfamiliar with any other type of experience.
ANON: Yes.
ELIAS: And it may not be a natural flow for the individual that does naturally flow with structure. Therefore, it is significant that you discover what types of activities you enjoy that also do incorporate some structure.
ANON: That’s very… Again, it sounds like it’s an exploration, but an exploration in sort of comfortable, slow stages.
ELIAS: Yes.
ANON: Is what you’re suggesting.
ELIAS: Yes. A new adventure.
ANON: Mm-hm. Nice. That’s a great challenge, actually. (Elias laughs) And put the way you put it, it’s one that I can actually look forward to. I think many people are not so fortunate to have the opportunity to look for new challenges as they grow older. I guess I’m lucky in that respect, but nonetheless anxious to look to pursue different things.
ELIAS: Yes, and this—
ANON: I’m just not so sure what they are.
ELIAS: And this can be quite a fun adventure for you.
Let me offer you an example, also. For you, let us hypothetically express a scenario in which the activity of enjoyment is perhaps traveling.
ANON: Okay.
ELIAS: In traveling for one individual, they may incorporate a trip and they may move to their destination and incorporate no actual plan in what they will engage while they are in a new city, and they may flow with that quite well and allow themselves to be quite spontaneous. This would be NOT an efficient type of action for you. (Anon laughs) What would be more efficient for you and much more comfortable would be to incorporate a trip and to plan an itinerary, and to incorporate a structure in which you know what you will visit each day and within what time frameworks, for this is more comfortable for you.
This can be incorporated in many different manners, even in generating actions such as learning to incorporate a musical instrument: in setting a specific schedule, not merely for the lessons but also for the practicing, knowing what actions you will be incorporating in what aspect of the day. Therefore, even in leisure and in incorporating actions that are enjoyable or fun, if you include that element of structure, you will be more comfortable.
ANON: Yes. And I think the example that you chose is a good one because it could very well be that my partner would prefer, in a given location, to be spontaneous in a way that would be different from my mentality and my structure. And it goes back to the relationship between husband and wife or children or whatever, to again relax (laughs) and to react to the other person. And it’s sort of in the context of the latter part of our conversation about seeking new adventure, if you will.
ELIAS: Correct. But in this, let me express to you, in this hypothetical example of the traveling, I am understanding that you are partners but, in that partnership, in honoring your differences, it is not necessary for you to engage every action together.
ANON: Correct.
ELIAS: Therefore, you can incorporate your natural flow in planning your itinerary and incorporating your structure, and she can express her spontaneity and you can meet in different time frameworks. You can share some explorations and experiences together, and you can generate the allowance of yourselves to explore independently also, which allows for that honoring of both natural flows and both guidelines.
ANON: Wow. (Laughs) You know, as I think about our conversation this morning, I think that you’ve given me a lot of homework. (Both laugh) And perhaps, while we haven’t had a conversation in a very long time, that the result of this conversation is that I would look forward to the opportunity to have a follow-on conversation, to learn a little bit from the notes that I’ve taken this morning from this conversation and hopefully put into effect.
ELIAS: And I would greatly be anticipating of that and extend a very sincere invitation to you to engage that action. (Chuckles)
ANON: Okay, that’s a good spot for me to thank you again. I really appreciate your wisdom, and I hope that I can put some of it – a lot of it – into practice in the time to come.
ELIAS: Do not hope, my friend.
ANON: I’m sorry?
ELIAS: Do not hope; do. (Both laugh)
ANON: I plan to.
ELIAS: It is not a matter that you will, but that you are. (Laughs)
And I shall be offering my energy to you continuously in supportiveness and in encouragement, and perhaps occasionally as a reminder to also be incorporating playfulness. Let us not be forgetful of fun. (Chuckles)
ANON: Okay. (Both laugh) I say then thank you very much, and good-bye for now.
ELIAS: You are very welcome, my friend. In dear friendship and in great lovingness to you, au revoir.
ANON: Bye-bye.
(Elias departs after 55 minutes)
©2007 Mary Ennis. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright 2007 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.