Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Participants: Mary (Michael) and Cynthia

ELIAS: Good morning!

CYNTHIA: Good morning.

ELIAS: And what shall we discuss?

CYNTHIA: It’s an honor to speak with you, Elias. First of all, I have a mother that I was very, very close to. It was like a mother-daughter relationship she and I had. We were very close to each other. She had a very difficult childhood, and she carried depression very well, hiding it, and I’m having problems moving on. This has destroyed me. I was sick, and I was always depressed all my life, and I always hated the state I was in, both mentally and emotionally and geographically. I never liked the desert, and she did. I feel guilty because I would ask her to loan me money, and her money was dwindling, and she saw me cry all the time because I was sick of being physically ill. Then, one day, she killed herself. (Emotionally)

I can’t move on, and it makes me suffer to know that she had such a horrible life and a childhood where she was attempted to be drowned when she was a child. I have these dreams of picking her up as an adult from the drowning tub. Anyway, I feel guilty for her taking her life, because I don’t know if she meant for me to finally be financially stable by selling her home that she loved so much, so that now I can move away from the desert, or maybe she was just sick of always hearing me being sick or always seeing me cry, because she loved me so much, and I loved her too.

I have so many questions in reference to her death and why she decided to... She took sleeping pills, and they didn’t work, and then she took a knife and slashed her wrists. When they found her, they found her with gauze on her wrists, like she changed her mind. This happened in April, and I’m unable to move on, Elias. I have to forgive myself. I wonder where she is, and did she suffer a lot, and was it because of me that she killed herself, and why? Can you tell me?

ELIAS: Very well. First of all, let me express to you, do not attempt to restrain yourself. Weeping allows a natural release of energy; therefore, it actually can be healing.

As to the situation with your mother, what is your indicator that she incorporated depression?

CYNTHIA: She was depressed all of her life, because she was an unwanted child, and they tried to drown her when she was born. Plus she’s a Cancer; she’s got two Cancer moons. All the indicators are there of depression. She was a Stepford wife; by that I mean she was always trying to be accepted by others, and deep inside she felt unaccepted by others. Logically, being an unwanted child, that gave her the indication that she was unwanted and unworthy, so issues of abandonment were there. She recently lost her husband in ’96, and then a few months before she took her life, she lost the only unconditional love that she had, which was her dog. She put him to sleep, which took a lot of valor, a lot of strength, and she didn’t even cry. Then she found out I was sick and had cancer, and I guess she felt that I was going to be leaving too. Either she left and took her life to beat me to it because she didn’t want to lose me and go through that loss again, or she got fed up with worrying. That’s all she did, and all I complained about, was her worrying.

I feel so guilty, because I gave her the impression that she was in the way. I would say to her, ”Mom, you’re stressing me out by being so stressed or by worrying too much. Mom, things will never be the same anymore, and I can’t be the laughing person I used to be. Mom, I’m 50, I’m no longer a child, and I’m having difficulty in life right now, so if I don’t call you in three days then don’t take it bad.” She said that she felt that she was in the way, and I said, ”No, Mom, you’re not in the way.” But then, one day I woke up, and I said, ”My God, please give me a miracle, something has to happen,” and I found out that she’d committed suicide. She left a note saying that I was the only one who really loved her, no one’s perfect, not me or her, and to be happy, and then that’s it, and that’s as final as can be.

I have a brother who’s an alcoholic, who I was hopefully dependent on for family support. Now he wants to come over here for me to support him. So, I’m alone, I’m literally alone. I have no friends here, I have no family here, and the only family I have is an alcoholic whom I sent $20,000 to and now wants more money. I’m depressed, and I’m an addict, I’m addicted to painkillers, and I wonder why. (Emotionally) I have so much to give, and I’m always alone, and I just can’t move on from the death of my mother. I have so many questions, and it’s so final. Had it been a stroke, it would have been different, but...

ELIAS: I am understanding.

CYNTHIA: I suffer so. My life is just a vacant... I don’t know why I exist. There’s nothing there, yet I know I’m God, but I don’t know why I don’t change my probabilities. That’s why I’m calling you, so I may have a change or a fork in the road and start using the energy. I just wonder why my life has been such a difficult one. It’s hard not to feel like a victim, because all my life I’ve lived alone and always been alone or abandoned or depressed and had to depend on chemical alterations to feel good, because otherwise I don’t.

I need to know where my mother is. I need to know that she’s okay. I need to know that she’s happy. I need to know that she’s finally at peace. I need to know so I can move on. I need to know why she did it, if it was my fault.

ELIAS: (Strongly) First of all, let me express to you, it is not your fault. You do not create another individual’s reality. You create your reality, but you do not create the choices for another individual. In this, you also do not influence an individual’s choice to disengage or to continue. That is ultimately an individual choice. This...

CYNTHIA: And this would be for disengaging? I mean, is she at peace right now, does she see me?

ELIAS: I shall offer you an explanation of what her experience is presently, and I shall also express to you, it is unnecessary for you to be expressing and experiencing guilt. This was this individual’s choice, and she was aware of her own choice. In that, let me also express to you that her choice was not engaged in depression. Her choice was engaged, in actuality, as a gift.

CYNTHIA: As a gift? What kind of gift?

ELIAS: It is important that you understand the perception of the other individual in this situation, for in valuing you and in valuing the expression of love with you...

CYNTHIA: But she did it for me.

ELIAS: It is not because of you; it was her choice. In her perception, it was a choice that she engaged intentionally, knowing that in some manner it would serve to be a gift to you. But also, it was a choice engaged recognizing the ease of moving into that choice of death, and in the moment, recognizing within herself that it matters not.

CYNTHIA: Did she die easily? Did she suffer a lot?

ELIAS: There was no suffering.

CYNTHIA: (Emotionally) Where is she now? Is she okay?

ELIAS: Yes. In this present now, she is experiencing what most individuals experience subsequent to that choice. Let me explain.

CYNTHIA: Don’t explain it – don’t explain it if she’s being punished! I just want to hear you say she’s finally at peace. I just want to hear that she’s happy.

ELIAS: In a manner of speaking, yes. There is no expression of suffering in what she is creating now.

CYNTHIA: Then how am I supposed to move on if I know that I was a great part of her choosing to take her life because I created a lot of problems that she didn’t know how to get out of?

ELIAS: (Very strongly) No, no, no! That is incorrect. You did not create difficulties for that individual that she perceived herself as incorporating no choices. That is entirely incorrect. You did not cause this choice.

CYNTHIA: Could I have prevented it in some way?

ELIAS: No! You could not.

CYNTHIA: Did she try suicide before?

ELIAS: No. You could not have changed what she chose. Had she not chosen the method that she did, she would have chosen another method.

CYNTHIA: Why so violent? If she is so innocent, so childlike, why did she choose to slash her wrists? I don’t understand.

ELIAS: For that assured her of success.

CYNTHIA: I see. So it’s nothing karmic, because somebody said that.

ELIAS: No, no.

Let me express to you, my friend: First of all, at this point presently, she is not entirely aware that she has disengaged. She does not remember yet the death. This is not uncommon; this occurs frequently with individuals.

CYNTHIA: Is she lost in limbo?

ELIAS: No, not at all. What occurs is the individual, in a manner of speaking, momentarily blinks out, and subsequently, they re-engage their objective awareness. Therefore, they continue to generate objective imagery quite similar to what they created while they were participating within your reality. There are some changes, but the individual has forgotten what occurred prior to their disengagement, and they have forgotten their disengagement. Therefore, they begin to create objective imagery similar to what they engaged within physical focus.

Now; in this, they create familiar individuals, such as images of yourself, and interactions. The difference is that there is no actual energy participation of the other individuals that now occupy their reality. They are merely projections of herself. Therefore, the reality becomes very predictable, which serves a purpose, for eventually that offers the individual clues and generates curiosities with the individual, noticing that there are differences.

CYNTHIA: Where is the white light? Where is the paradise? Is she with Dad? This makes me feel like it’s not a done deal yet. She’s not at peace; she’s not in what we call heaven.

ELIAS: There is no heaven.

CYNTHIA: I know there’s no heaven and no hell, but this makes me feel uneasy thinking that she’s not engaged yet or she’s not with Dad.

ELIAS: In her reality, all of these individuals are present, for she is creating them to be present.

CYNTHIA: Is she happy?

ELIAS: Yes.

CYNTHIA: Does she see me?

ELIAS: In imagery, yes.

CYNTHIA: How can I let her go and move on with my life? Why am I so destroyed? I know it’s my choice, but I’m just shell-shocked. I’m still in shock; I cannot believe it.

ELIAS: I am understanding.

CYNTHIA: I may be being selfish, but she was the only constant, unconditional love I’ve ever had in my life (emotionally), and I destroyed her.

ELIAS: (Firmly) You did not destroy her.

CYNTHIA: Well, she destroyed me then!

ELIAS: And she did not destroy you.

CYNTHIA: Her absence and her taking her life destroyed me. I feel so lost and so disoriented without her that I don’t know what to do with my life. I have no reason to be here in this state anymore. I don’t know where to go, and I’m tired of being alone. I don’t know what to do with my life. All I know is that I need to get off these pain pills, and I want to meet the love of my life, and I want a stable life. I have two fibroid tumors that need to be removed, but I’m scared to go under the knife. I read in one of your transcripts that we’re all able to un-create them, and I believe that, but there are days that I believe that I’m God, but then more so there are days that I don’t. I’m hoping that you can steer me or guide me into choosing that probability that I am empowered or that I can choose a different life.

ELIAS: Very well.

CYNTHIA: Because this one has not been working, Elias. It has not been working. I have been vacant for 50 years, and why am I alive then? Why am I alive?

ELIAS: Very well, we shall begin at the beginning, and the beginning point is for you to understand, first of all, that you are not responsible for or the cause of or the reason for your mother’s disengagement, and we shall begin with not continuing to generate the role of the victim.

Now; in this, what you have presented to yourself is an opportunity to genuinely pay attention to you, to genuinely begin to nurture and express a gentleness with you, and to begin accepting of yourself.

As to physical manifestations, yes, it is possible to uncreate any physical manifestation that you have created. But let me also express to you, all that you do, all that you associate with, all that you create within this reality is filtered through beliefs. Therefore, it is important to acknowledge the beliefs that you express. Regardless of whether you agree with certain methods or practices or not, regardless of whether you like certain expressions or not, it is important that you acknowledge the beliefs that you incorporate, for that is what influences your perception, and that is what...

CYNTHIA: Is there a quick fix on how to not change my beliefs but choose other beliefs?

ELIAS: That is not the point, my friend. That is not the point. The point is to recognize that each of your beliefs incorporates many influences, and in those influences lies your freedom.

Case in point: You have incorporated a manifestation physically that you do incorporate and express beliefs that physicians can alter this physical manifestation – in a manner of speaking, that it can be fixed. You also do incorporate the belief that physicians incorporate the ability and the skill and the knowledge to address to physical manifestations successfully. This is important. Remember, you are creating all of your reality. Therefore, whatever method you choose to engage matters not, for you are creating the physicians, and you are creating the effectiveness of them.

CYNTHIA: But I don’t want to choose physicians. I don’t want to go that route. I just had another surgery not too long ago, and I don’t like it, I just don’t like it, and right now I feel too weak to go through that fear again.

ELIAS: Very well, but what is important is that you acknowledge that belief, and in that, you can choose a different avenue but continue to incorporate some element of acknowledgment of that belief. For example...

CYNTHIA: How do I acknowledge that I’m God? I mean, yes, I am part of God, God is part of me, but it’s not something that hardly any of us were taught in grade school. How do I just one day say, ”Okay, I choose this probability. I am God, so I’m going to choose my probability and I’m no longer sick. I have moved on from the death of my mother, I am moving to the perfect geographical state, and life is good.” How do I do that? I need laughter, yet I’m still attracting weird people. Is it because they’re a mirror of me?

ELIAS: A reflection.

CYNTHIA: Well, then, how do I stop? Oh God. I have too many things to do! When am I going to give myself a break?

ELIAS: Begin now.

CYNTHIA: How?

ELIAS: Begin now by listening.

CYNTHIA: Speak to me.

ELIAS: As to the physical manifestation, there are alternative methods that you can engage that will not oppose your beliefs but will allow you to choose the direction that may be more empowering to you, but continue to provide an expression of engagement of another individual. In this time framework, my friend, you have incorporated such a familiarity and such an extended time framework in which you have not allowed yourself your own empowerment, in which you have been in this role of victim to such an extent that it is quite unlikely that you would allow yourself all of these alterations of your reality without help.

In this, as you recognize that you do incorporate an expressed belief concerning the authority and the knowledge of physicians, you can incorporate that in a useful manner in which you may engage a different type of physician, one that does not express the method of surgery. As an example, you can incorporate a physician that generates acupuncture. The point in this is that it matters not what alternative method you choose; what is important is that you do not oppose yourself by moving in a direction that opposes your own expressed belief and allows you to engage another individual temporarily to be helpful to you, that can pool their energy with you, which shall allow you to begin to generate your own healing.

In this also, you can begin now, this day, generating other expressions that shall reinforce you and your acceptance of yourself and shall reinforce your recognition of worth. In this, I shall express to you an exercise that you may engage daily in which, at the least, three times within your day, stop and allow yourself to generate some genuine expression of appreciation of yourself. It matters not what it is. It may be that you appreciate your eyelashes; it matters not. Or it may be that you appreciate your preference in clothing. The point is that you precisely and genuinely express some type of genuine appreciation of yourself. In that, each time you express that genuine appreciation of yourself, you shall place a small colored piece of paper in a jar, a clear jar, that you can view these colored papers in.

Now; also, I shall express to you another exercise in which, at the least, twice within each day you shall acknowledge some accomplishment that you have generated, and in that, it matters not what the accomplishment is, either, but that you genuinely acknowledge some accomplishment.

CYNTHIA: Some accomplishment that I made that day or any other day?

ELIAS: That day. And note it. It is important that you incorporate the colored papers in the jar with the appreciation, and it is important that you note the acknowledgment of accomplishments.

I shall also express another exercise that you may incorporate temporarily. This is a visualization. I shall express to you to generate once within each day a visualization of an area, a physical location that is pleasing and calming. In this visualization, incorporate some type of creature that shall accompany you in this physical area. This...

CYNTHIA: What kind of animal? What kind of creature?

ELIAS: Yes, some type of animal.

CYNTHIA: Like a dog or a bird?

ELIAS: Yes.

CYNTHIA: But not a human.

ELIAS: No. What creature do you like?

CYNTHIA: Horses, cats, dogs, Brad Pitt. (Laughs)

ELIAS: (Chuckles) What would you deem to be your favorite, most playful creature?

CYNTHIA: A puppy.

ELIAS: Very well, incorporate the puppy in your visualization.

In this, as you generate this visualization, engage your physical senses. Whatever the location is that you choose that is a calming, pleasant area, engage your senses: your hearing, your smell, your touch, the air against your skin. Feel the environment around you. That shall incorporate a stronger energy in the visualization. The point of the visualization is to be generating a calm, relaxed energy and one that reinforces gentleness, playfulness and nurturing. This is the point of the puppy, for the puppy is you.

In this, as you engage these three exercises in each day, they shall provide you with an avenue in which you shall begin paying more attention to you, and you shall begin to empower yourself and value yourself more.

Now; I shall also offer you the suggestion that you allow yourself to NOT move in the direction of attempting to be helpful to other individuals, temporarily, for the manner in which you are expressing helpfulness is not helpful, such as with your sibling. The manner in which you are being helpful is merely reinforcing what you do not want.

CYNTHIA: I’m no longer going to give him any more money, because I’m creating a dependent. It’s a very negative situation for me...

ELIAS: I am understanding.

CYNTHIA: ...to find out that my only sibling is... I was hoping that they would be able to give me a shoulder to lean on, to give me guidance, to give me help, to be a family to me, but now they are latching on to me to help them, to save them. How, if I’m looking for someone to save me, since I can’t, now they’re asking for more money, for me to save them and to move over here with me. No, I can’t do that, I can’t, and I agree with what you say.

ELIAS: Very well. This is quite important, my friend, for in this time framework now it is important for you to genuinely be focusing upon you. In doing this, you shall allow yourself eventually to create all of those wants, and create, perhaps in a different manner, your own family per se. But...

CYNTHIA: Where do you see me? Can you give me some information on where you see me now and where I will be after I start incorporating these exercises? Am I going to choose to disengage somehow? Not by will, because I don’t see me taking my own life, but I can see creating a situation where I can. Or do you see me actually finding a family? I’m tired of being alone; I’m tired of being lost and vacant. Can you give me some words?

ELIAS: First of all, remember there are many different types of families, not all are biological. And I may express to you, within your energy I incorporate the recognition of a tremendous desire to be altering your reality. I cannot express to you whether you shall choose to disengage or not, for that is your choice. That is not the choice that you are expressing now, and I may say to you, now your energy is quite strong in the desire to be altering your reality and creating it in a different manner. You do incorporate tremendous potential to accomplish that, for you incorporate a strong desire, and I am very encouraging of you to be moving in that direction in recognition of this desire.

CYNTHIA: Where should I move to? Should I stay in Tucson, should I move to another state or...? I know you’re not a fortune teller, but can you pick up anything as to should I move by the ocean or should I stay put, should I move back to South America? I don’t know.

ELIAS: I shall express to you again a treasure hunt, and this may also, in a manner of speaking, serve as another exercise but one in fun, although the other two may be fun also.

In this, allow yourself to evaluate what types of areas you genuinely appreciate, what types of areas you genuinely prefer and feel a draw to. Once you have offered your scenarios of physical locations that you are drawn to, engage a treasure hunt. Engage these different areas, and pay attention to your energy. Pay attention to how the energy of the place feels to you, and allow yourself to be aware of whether your energy resonates with a particular area or not. This may, in actuality, be a fun treasure hunt for you.

CYNTHIA: Elias, how do I change my vibration?

ELIAS: That shall automatically begin to occur as you engage these exercises.

CYNTHIA: I think that pretty much answers my questions at this time, Elias. You’ve been a tremendous help.

ELIAS: I am always available to you, my friend, and I may express to you, I shall be offering my energy to you continuously in encouragement and supportiveness.

CYNTHIA: Thank you.

ELIAS: You are very welcome. Remember: were there to be a waste of energy, it would be that of guilt. Therefore, stop. (Laughs)

CYNTHIA: I will. Thank you, Elias.

ELIAS: Engage your time in your exercises. That shall be much more beneficial. (Laughs)

CYNTHIA: I shall.

ELIAS: I shall be anticipating our next meeting.

CYNTHIA: As shall I. Thank you.

ELIAS: I offer to you great affection and great appreciation, my friend. To you in lovingness, au revoir.

CYNTHIA: Au revoir.

Elias departs after 50 minutes.

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Copyright 2005 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.