Saturday, October 15, 2005 (Private/Phone)

Participants: Mary (Michael) and Julie (Fontine)

(Elias’ arrival time is 16 seconds.)

ELIAS: Good morning!

JULIE: Good morning, Elias! I just had this wonderful conversation with Mary, and I’m sure you know all about it and what she has been doing. So, I was wondering — I just told her I would do this — if you could give me a method, the way her doctor gave her about Polly and paying attention to what she’s doing and not responding automatically towards Polly. The situation that I would like to address is my interactions with other people. My attention goes outside of myself very easily with other people, and I would like to apply this to my relationships with my children and my husband and people in my community.

ELIAS: Very well. Offer an example of situations in which you notice that there is conflict or behaviors that are unwanted or unwelcome in different scenarios with your children, with your partner, or one example generally that you notice with other individuals outside of your family.

JULIE: Let’s see, I think maybe I’ll do other individuals outside of the family first. I would say my automatic response when I’m speaking with another person is that oftentimes I don’t know what I want to say or do because I’m so focused on them. I mean I don’t know what I want to say or do because I’ve lost myself.

ELIAS: Very well. In this type of situation, you are paying attention to the other individual and listening to what they are expressing or watching what they are doing. How you can be more present with yourself is to initially allow yourself to pause. It is not necessary to immediately respond. Allow yourself a moment to pause and to pay attention to YOUR energy. What is your energy doing? What are you feeling? What are you actually doing?

Now; this may be an informative exercise for you, for in those types of moments, your automatic association is that you are not doing anything, that you are listening, and that is the extent of your awareness of what you are doing. But you are doing many different actions in that moment.

Therefore, in allowing yourself to pause and move your attention to you, assessing what you are actually doing, you may realize that you are standing or you are sitting or you are walking. You are noticing periphery actions within your environment. You are aware of your surroundings. You are perhaps tapping your foot, or perhaps you are moving your fingers. Perhaps in listening to the other individual, you may notice that your body consciousness may be relaxed or may be incorporating some element of tension. You may focus your attention momentarily to your solar plexus and notice whether it is relaxed or tight. For these are all communications and signals that you are expressing within yourself, and those are indicators of what type of energy you are projecting and experiencing. That also offers you information as to your own responses and allows you to move into a calm expression in that pause, in which you allow yourself to tap into how you want to
respond or IF you want to respond.

This does not incorporate an extended time framework. It is a brief pause, perhaps incorporating merely one of your minutes. But that is enough time framework to move your attention to you, to your physical body consciousness, to your surroundings, and enough of a pause to allow you to calmly assess what your desired response is.

Many times individuals experience this type of action in interaction with other individuals in which they become confused or they are unaware of how to respond or what to respond to or with what. The reason is that they do not allow themselves a moment to assess what is occurring within themselves and their own energy, for there is an automatic association that if you are interacting with another individual, if they stop communicating, you must immediately respond. Not so.

You may notice with certain individuals that incorporate considerable experience in interaction with other individuals, they generally do not immediately respond once the other individual stops speaking. There is a brief moment in which there is a pause, for these individuals have recognized that in paying attention genuinely to the interaction that they may be incorporating with another individual, they are genuinely listening and it may be more efficient to incorporate a momentary pause to allow themselves more clarity to respond more efficiently and to allow them to communicate in response what they want to communicate more clearly.

You are not in competition with the other individual that you are interacting with, and you are not engaging a race of who can respond the fastest.

JULIE: So, is that my belief, and that’s why sometimes I create that scenario? I do believe sometimes that I’m in competition and that if I don’t say something fast enough then I won’t have a chance to say it at all.

ELIAS: Partially, and also, if you do not respond immediately, there is an association that the other individual will perceive that you are not paying attention, which is not true. But in offering yourself that momentary pause, you can generate more clarity in relation to yourself and your own energy, and that allows you to respond in a manner that communicates to the other individual that you are genuinely paying attention and that you do incorporate understanding of what is being engaged.

Whereas, if you are immediately responding before you offer yourself that clarity or that awareness of your own energy, many times you may respond in a manner that you actually do not want to respond, and subsequently you engage explaining yourself, for the other individual, in your perception, has misunderstood. The other individual has misunderstood — or in actuality has not misunderstood, they have understood what you have expressed, but what you expressed is not what you want to express.

Therefore, subsequently this creates a circle in which you are responding immediately, quickly, you are not offering a response in clarity, and what occurs in this circle is that the other individual receives your response, you perceive that to be a misunderstanding, which you immediately discount yourself, and thusly attempt to justify yourself through explanation. Which, eventually you may generate the communication that you initially wanted, and it may eventually generate an understanding between yourself and the other individual, but what have you created in that process? You have created frustration, confusion, discounting, justification, explanation. You have essentially moved around your earth to cross your street.

Whereas, if you allow yourself that momentary pause to evaluate your energy, what you are doing and what you want to express, you shall allow yourself to avoid all of that energy of moving around your planet to cross your street, and you shall merely cross your street.

JULIE: That sounds wonderful. (Laughs with Elias)

ELIAS: Therefore, the key in the scenarios of interaction with other individuals outside of your family is to pause.

JULIE: The key is to pause, all right. Thank you.

ELIAS: You are welcome.

JULIE: Now I would like to talk about something that is occurring with my children; it has been ongoing. We’re home schooling. We’re actually not doing any schoolwork; I’m not making them do any kind of schoolwork. My conflict is when they want to play Gameboys and watch TV during the day. I have a lot of conflict about that. Then I also have conflict about not wanting to control them. So, I want to control them but I don’t want to control them, and that seems to be the conflict. Is that correct, or is there something else in there?

ELIAS: (Chuckles) Yes, that is correct.

Now; what are YOU doing?

JULIE: What am I doing in the situation with them? Hmm...

ELIAS: What type of energy are you projecting, and what are you actually doing?

JULIE: Besides wanting them to be doing something that I value?

ELIAS: And how do you do that? Visualize now: you are participating in that scenario, and they are engaging these games. What are you doing?

JULIE: Oh, I might be reading or wanting to clean the house sometimes, or sometimes I’m wanting to go outside for a walk.

ELIAS: And you are not speaking to them?

JULIE: No. Oh well, yeah, I usually say something. I usually try to limit their time on the game, or I’m irritated that they are playing the game to begin with, so I’m expressing that sometimes.

ELIAS: Very well. Therefore, in the scenario they begin to play the game, and you express to them an instruction that you do not want them to be playing the game. Therefore, you are offering a suggestion for them to be engaging a different action, which is actually instruction. Correct?

JULIE: Yes.

ELIAS: And their response is?

JULIE: They don’t want to do what I suggest.

ELIAS: And your response is?

JULIE: I’m frustrated. I’m not very clear about my response at this moment.

ELIAS: Do you express further engagement with them? If they express to you that they do not want to engage the action that you have suggested and they are continuing to play the game, what do you do in that moment?

JULIE: I think I usually give them a time period that they can have for the game.

ELIAS: Very well. And you are offering another instruction. The first instruction was not complied with; therefore, you follow with a second instruction.

Now; if you incorporate the time limit, what is their response?

JULIE: They usually don’t pay attention to the time limit unless I pay attention to it and further follow up on that and tell them to quit playing the game.

ELIAS: And what is their response at that moment?

JULIE: They usually ask for more time.

ELIAS: Therefore, they continue to challenge.

Now; in all of this interaction, the key is that you are not aware of your energy. You are not generating a cooperation; you are generating opposition. Therefore, that is what you reflect. But you are not aware that you are generating opposition, for you are not paying attention to your energy. You are not paying attention to what YOU are doing. You are paying attention to what they are doing, which is not the point.

You approach the situation in opposition, for before the situation even occurs, you already are in an expression of not wanting them to engage it. Therefore before the situation is presented, you are already projecting an opposing energy. Therefore, from the moment the scenario begins, it is expressed in frustration and reflections of opposition. There is no cooperation. I am not speaking of compromise, which is also opposition, which is also what you are doing in this scenario.

You approach the scenario with opposition, in disagreement of what they are doing or what they want to do, and subsequent to that, you compromise and express a time limit. You express to yourself and to them, “Very well, I shall comply with what you are doing temporarily. I shall compromise, and you can do this for this time framework BUT...” And what is the “but”? The “but” is the expectation.

Compromise always is coupled with expectation, for compromise is an action of opposition and of association that if you give, you expect the other individual to incorporate the same action, to comply and to give also. Therefore, you set into motion a scenario in which you are all participating in opposing each other, compromising with each other, complying with each other, and in that, you are all discounting, and that generates frustration and conflict. Whereas, if you are aware of your energy and you are not generating an opposing energy, you may manipulate the situation in very different manners. It is not a matter of compromise. It is a matter of cooperation.

Now; how can you cooperate in this situation?

JULIE: (Laughing) I was going to ask YOU that question!

ELIAS: Very well. One manner in which you can cooperate in this situation is to participate. Rather than opposing, engage. Rather than walking away and continuing to be expressing an opposing energy, you can involve yourself and participate, which generates an energy of cooperation. Which, in that scenario, the small ones may not actually incorporate as much interest in playing the game if you are involved, for that becomes a distraction for they are no longer individually incorporating the game, and perhaps that engages them, in which now they are interacting with YOU, for they are explaining what they are doing, which is not entirely focused upon the game. It also generates an energy in which you are actively paying attention to them and to yourself simultaneously and generating an energy of interest, therefore generating an energy of valuing what they value.

The key is to understand and be aware of your energy, knowing that what energy you are projecting, you are also reflecting: projecting and reflecting. Therefore, if you are generating an energy of opposition, the small ones shall be opposing also. The more you oppose the action of them engaging the game, the more they oppose you by engaging the game and pushing energy, which translates in pushing the limits. But it may not be necessary to set limits — which are also that instruction, which creates another expression of opposition through compromise — the interest may not necessarily be as focused if you are participating and cooperating rather than ignoring.

JULIE: Does the same apply to things like TV, schoolwork, I suppose?

ELIAS: Yes.

JULIE: I can see how watching TV with them and discussing things with them might change the energy of that also. As far as schoolwork goes, I guess I don’t really believe that they need to be learning exactly what everyone else in their grade level is learning right now. But then sometimes I do want them to learn something, so sharing that, participating with them in that.

ELIAS: And also generating an energy of curiosity and fun, rather than chore and work, recognizing that you can accomplish what you want in an energy of cooperation and fun, stimulating curiosity and inventiveness and incorporating imaginative creativity rather than participating in an energy of struggle and drudgery and have-to and chore.

Individuals many times with small ones move in a direction of action and reward, which in actuality, for the most part, is inefficient and does not accomplish what you want. For, if the reward is in an outcome, that is not as motivating. If the reward is in the process, if the process becomes the reward, it is much more efficient and much more motivating. In this, it also presents an example to each of you that the accomplishment is in the process, not the outcome.

Therefore, you begin to acknowledge and appreciate what you are doing rather than engaging an action in drudgery or chore merely to accomplish a temporary, momentary outcome and reward. The process becomes the ongoing fulfillment rather than a momentary, temporary reward.

JULIE: Thank you.

ELIAS: You are quite welcome. I express to you, the most important element in all of these scenarios is to be genuinely aware of your energy and what you are actually doing, continuously, for therein lies your freedom and your choices. In that freedom, the expression of it is that in those choices, you can intentionally manipulate energy in a manner that is more in keeping with your preferences, not generating frustration or conflict, and [that] shall be continuously an acknowledgment generating appreciation rather than a discounting or compromising or justifying.

JULIE: Okay. Thank you.

ELIAS: You are quite welcome.

JULIE: I’ll go ahead and talk about my husband too, then, the relationship with him.

ELIAS: Very well.

JULIE: It seems sometimes that there’s this heavy energy between us, like when I’m feeling light or more carefree, and I come in contact with my husband and it feels like everything has gotten heavy. I feel like I can’t express myself, even though I was before. Sometimes when I express my happiness with him, he has no comment, or it feels like everything dies right there. It feels like a dead-end or a block or something.

ELIAS: And this is associated with expectations.

Now; this is commonly expressed between individuals, for you generate a certain expression, and in that, you expect the other individual to express in like manner. In that, what you create is disappointment within yourself, and you express an energy of threat to the other individual, for you are discounting the other individual. You are disappointing yourself, which is a discounting, and you are also discounting of the other individual, that their expression is not adequate.

In recognizing differences, you may be generating excitement in one manner, you may be expressing happiness in one manner, and he may express those same expressions in a different manner. You may incorporate tremendous anxiety, and expect the other individual to be nurturing and sympathetic but in a particular manner. The individual may be sympathetic, but your expectation is that it should be expressed in a particular manner. If it is not, it is not adequate, and thusly you incorporate conflict.

This once again is the reason that it is important for you to be aware of your own energy and what you are doing. If you are not generating an expectation of the other individual, it shall matter not. If you are generating excitement and the other individual merely smiles, it shall matter not. You shall not be disappointed, for you are not generating an expectation of how the other individual should respond. The acknowledgment of the smile is adequate, it is enough, for it is an acknowledgment from the other individual that they notice your excitement, that they are aware of your excitement. In actuality, that is, generally speaking, what individuals seek in interaction with another individual.

What you actually want is merely the acknowledgment that you are present, that you exist, that you are heard and that you are understood. It is not actually the type of response; it is the acknowledgment of your presence and what you are experiencing.

Now; of course, if you are excited, if you are happy, if you are distressed, if you are sad, you like and appreciate the response from another individual if it is quite similar, for that is reinforcing. If the other individual responds similarly to you, that becomes a validation, and you translate that as the other individual genuinely paying attention to you. But you are filtering through your own guidelines. Another individual may have different guidelines, and therefore, their perception, their expressions may be different. That is not necessarily to say that they are not acknowledging of you or that they are not paying attention, but that they may not respond in the same manner.

If you are experiencing, as you have stated, being excited, and you enter the environment of your partner and you are sharing the excitement and you begin to feel heavy, this is YOUR energy changing. This is your indicator to yourself to pay attention. This is your energy turning from that excitement to the heaviness, which becomes motivated by your automatic response within yourself that your expression is not important enough to warrant a reaction. Whereas, if you are paying attention to you and not questioning yourself, it matters not what another individual’s reaction is, for you shall be more occupied in your attention with your own expression.

This type of interaction becomes automatic, for the expectation is ever-present. It is underlying continuously, the expectation that the other individual will not respond in the manner that you want and that you shall be disappointed. Therefore, once again, in similar manner to the scenario with the small ones and the game, the energy is being projected before the scenario even begins. That underlying expectation is always present; therefore, the energy projected is anticipating before the interaction even occurs. Therefore, once the interaction occurs, that energy has already been being expressed, [and] therefore, you immediately create the reflection. And these types of circles become automatic patterns.

JULIE: What is the key for this one, for unlocking this automatic pattern?

ELIAS: To be aware of your energy, once again, and to be aware of expectations — to be, in a manner of speaking, checking within yourself whether you are generating an expectation or not.

The manner in which you can gauge whether you are generating an expectation in relation to the other individual is by recognizing whether you want some expression or behavior from the other individual. For if you want the other individual to respond in a particular manner or to express or behave in a particular manner, you are not paying attention to you. You are not paying attention to what YOU want and what you want to express in your own freedom. You are focusing your attention upon an expectation of the other individual, and expectations always generate threat, which also generates another form of opposition.

JULIE: So, the other individual feels threatened? Or I feel threatened?

ELIAS: The other individual receives an energy of threat, which they may not objectively in thought translate in that manner, but their automatic response bears it out, for their automatic response is defense, which as we have discussed, defense is another expression of opposition. Therefore, what occurs is you are generating an energy of opposition, with the expectation, in threat. The other individual responds with opposition in defense. You receive that energy and generate another form of opposition with yourself in being disappointed.

JULIE: Thank you for clarifying that for me.

ELIAS: You are very welcome.

JULIE: Aaron’s my son, and I would like to ask about his leg pains that he experiences during the night occasionally. Possibly once a week or so, he wakes up and his leg is hurting a whole lot. We’d like some understanding about that. (Pause)

ELIAS: This is partially associated with growth, and it is partially associated with tension. It may be less painful and occur less frequently if he is genuinely allowing himself to relax prior to sleep. In this, it also may be helpful to engage a short walk within your evening, and subsequent to that, engage a brief time framework of relaxing in a fun manner, perhaps engaging a fun relaxing visualization.

It is not necessary to incorporate an extended time framework, but a brief time framework of perhaps 10 or 15 of your minutes in which he can incorporate a visualization of being in a location that is very pleasing to him, [and] once generating that pleasing area, to begin to play with his senses and incorporate sense data with the visualization. Such as, for example, if you are visualizing walking upon a beach, the sense data would be the feeling of the sand with your feet, the feeling of the sun upon your skin, the smell of the air, the sound of the waves, the taste of the salt. Incorporate the actual outer senses; engage them in the visualization. This creates more of a focused attention in the visualization, and in that, allows the individual to incorporate more fully a deeper expression of relaxation.

JULIE: That sounds like something that we’d enjoy doing at night. Thank you.

ELIAS: Very well.

JULIE: Is Aaron political focus?

ELIAS: Yes.

Let me also offer a different type of visualization that may be incorporated, which also may be helpful in allowing for more of a relaxation. You may also incorporate active visualizations in which the individual is physically calm and quiet but the visualization is quite active, therefore creating an association with being tiring, such as incorporating a visualization of occupying a ship and being engaged in actions of piracy and swordfights, in which there is tremendous physical exertion and great accomplishment in acquiring your treasure. In that, the association is that the visualization shall incorporate such strenuousness that the body consciousness must relax.

JULIE: That sounds fun, too. That really sounds fun for Aaron’s personality. Thank you, Elias.

ELIAS: You are very welcome, my friend. I am greatly encouraging of you, and I may express to you, you can accomplish. Therefore, be encouraged. I shall be anticipating our next meeting, and I shall be offering my energy to you in supportiveness. To you in great affection and appreciation, my friend, au revoir.

JULIE: Goodbye, Elias. Thank you.

Elias departs after 1 hour, 2 minutes.

©2010 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved

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Copyright 2005 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.