The Break Up of a Relationship
“The Break Up of a Relationship”
Sunday, May 22, 2005 (Phone/Private)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Marcos (Marta)
(Elias’ arrival time is 16 seconds.)
ELIAS: Good afternoon!
MARCOS: Hi, Elias.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) And what shall we discuss, my friend?
MARCOS: I have some things I want to talk to you about — and I’m sure that within our conversation we will be talking about totally different things than I have on my list, so. (Elias laughs) I’m really looking forward to it.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) Very well.
MARCOS: I would like to start with a question from Isabel. She had what she thinks is some kind of a projection, or a dream-type projection, where she was in her dorm, in her room. I believe she woke up, but I think it was part of the projection. She sits on her bed and sees and felt herself at the foot of the bed when she was three or four years old. The little Isabel is pulling on the big Isabel’s finger, like trying to take her somewhere. She felt her finger being pulled by little Isabel. The whole experience, I think, was a little bit of a shock, so she woke up. I asked her what her impression was, and that’s really what she wanted me to ask you, what the message was — obviously from herself to herself — what that was all about.
ELIAS: The imagery that she is generating in this projection is a reminder to herself to be gentle with herself and to interact with herself and be attentive to herself in a manner in which she would with that small one, to remember that the gentleness and the attentiveness that she would herself offer to a small one, even a projection of herself as a small one, is many times different than what she expresses with herself now, and that it is significant for her to remember to allow herself that gentleness and that attentiveness with herself now, as that small one.
MARCOS: I think that is a great way of putting it. I know she’s been under some pressure at school with examinations and finals and all that. It makes perfect sense, because it happened within that time framework.
ELIAS: Yes, and it is significant that she notices in time frameworks in which she is pushing and pushing herself and generating expectations of herself. She would not express that to that small one, and she deserves and is worthy of that same consideration.
MARCOS: She’ll understand that so well, because she is so good with small ones. She is so gentle and just so genuine in her loving way with small ones. I’ve noticed that in her, and she knows that, too.
MARCOS: Well, I will let her know. Thanks very much.
ELIAS: You are quite welcome.
MARCOS: You know I’ve been having a rough time. You and I have been communicating back and forth so much lately through this break-up with Paul. Like I was telling Michael, I’ve been noticing over the last few years but haven’t really been paying attention. I know I’m going through some major transformations within. I think I’m moving in so many ways sometimes that I don’t even know how. I know that without noticing it, I’ve been concentrating on this relationship, going back and forth and back and forth, over all this time. It’s just that it’s a break-up. I know I’m looking at it from a very black-and-white perspective, but the break-up has been very, very hard. I have done a lot of soul searching and remembering, and I have learned a great deal about myself and about the way I do things, which I think is the most valuable thing in all of this.
I just wanted to ask you, without going through all the same things that I have talked to you about over the last two or three weeks, is it something that I’m not noticing, something that slipped through the cracks, if you will? I want to make the best of this opportunity and really notice, Elias. I have had in the past sort of long relationships that I suppose I have ended, and I always I have this feeling, this very strong sort of emotion that comes out of my chest. It’s a pain, literally, and I don’t want to go through that again. I am noticing, and I want to pay attention, and I just want to make sure I haven’t lost anything. If you can fill me in?
ELIAS: (Chuckles) I may assure you, you have not lost anything — but I may also express to you to be allowing yourself. You are generating emotional communications, and they are valid. You are generating feelings, and that is natural.
Let me express to you, if you allow yourself to merely acknowledge your experience and not attempt to oppose it, not attempt to push away these feelings or ignore them — for they are signals which are accompanied by emotional communications — those emotional communications are not being expressed to berate you or to be discounting of you, but allowing you to express what you genuinely feel and the intensity of that and to acknowledge that.
This also is a temporary expression, as you are already aware. But in the intensity of it, you are moving your attention to you. The initial expressions are associated with perceived loss, which is quite common and understandable. For, this is the element in which you actually incorporate and implement the awareness of yourself and the evaluation of what is being expressed — some of which is disappointment, some of which is perceived loss — but that also shall serve to be helpful to you in more clearly identifying more precisely what you want, rather than moving in directions of what you think you want but are not actually generating a genuine clarity with. This is an opportunity for you to evaluate in that clarity.
But the key is to not deny what you are feeling, for that merely compounds the situation. For part of the perceived loss is associated with a denial of your choices, the perception that choices have been engaged, and therefore, you now cannot engage a free expression of yourself in certain manners. That is an automatic association, that another individual has generated choices and therefore that dictates some of your choices or limits some of your choices, which that generates a denial of your own expression and your own choices, which creates disappointment and anxiety or sorrow.
But in not opposing that, in acknowledging what you are feeling, you allow yourself more clearly to examine and understand that regardless of the choices of another individual, that does not necessarily limit your choices or deny your choices. It merely is encouraging you to discover what your choices are and the different options and directions that are available to you that you may not necessarily have been viewing previously, and that your reality is not actually so black and white, and it is not expressed in either/or — either you are together or you are not. Once you allow yourself to genuinely be listening to your own communications and not attempting to push away and not generating opposition to them, the signals, the feelings shall be much less in intensity, and you shall generate a greater understanding of what you have been creating and what you are creating.
MARCOS: I’ve probably been concentrating on it, but I’m really noticing, right?
MARCOS: My automatic reaction was to push them away or ignore them exactly as you said, but I have, I think, successfully attempted to not do that nor to change the automatic reaction, but to go with these very, very strong emotions and feelings. It’s just that sometimes the intensity is a bit overwhelming. But I have not made snap judgments or automatic decisions as to whatever choices I want to make. I’ve not been clear about what I want to do, and I think that what you’re telling me now helps me to continue this process and listen more to myself.
ELIAS: Yes, for in acknowledging those feelings and also recognizing and understanding that many of those feelings that you are experiencing are associated with the perceived denial of choice, once you genuinely are evaluating that, you can recognize that that is not true and it is not set in stone, and that you may temporarily feel that your choices have been denied, but in actuality, it genuinely is a matter of your direction. You can choose regardless of what other individuals express, even in relation to the other individual.
MARCOS: That is exactly the question that I have in my mind right now. How does that work in the sense that...? I understand everything you’ve told me up to now. If I want to make a choice about that other individual, regardless of the choice that she has made, do I not need her physical interaction to create my choice?
ELIAS: No, you do not need that. I am understanding that you somewhat want that. It is not necessary, but even in the want, you can allow yourself to express your appreciation, your affection, your closeness with the other individual without an expectation of them and without an expectation of yourself that you must do something or implement some action to prove that, and that the expression in itself is enough. It is an allowance of yourself.
You can express to the other individual your genuineness in your affection and your appreciation and your love, and also express a lack of expectation that that must incorporate a particular response. That is not the point. The reason that you are feeling disappointed or are experiencing this hurt within yourself is that you are generating an automatic association that now you cannot express yourself for it will not be accepted. But the acceptance of the other individual is not a factor. What is significant is that you now have generated an obstacle in which you express to yourself, “I cannot express my affection any longer; I cannot express myself any longer; I cannot express my appreciation any longer.” Not so! You can, and without the expectations it shall be received.
MARCOS: Okay, I got it. No wonder when I do that, when I do express myself genuinely without an expectation, I have this completely different feeling of inner satisfaction is the best way I can put it.
MARCOS: When I do have an expectation, it’s very different. It makes me uneasy, and I think that’s the point. That’s exactly the point.
ELIAS: Yes, for also, if you are not generating expectation of yourself, either, you shall not incorporate this push of yourself to be implementing some type of gesture or action or manifestation to justify or prove yourself. For, there is no expectation of yourself to gain, and there is no expectation of the other individual to give or to produce. It is merely an allowance of yourself to genuinely express you, which does generate a strong satisfaction, for that is what you want.
MARCOS: It’s very clear as to what I feel in either case. With the expectations there, they’re automatic many times, and the feeling is very different, and it’s not a very good feeling at all.
ELIAS: And the response is different.
MARCOS: Totally, totally. Thanks so much for clearing that up. As you know, a very large part of me is like that. I like to express myself spontaneously, which is different from automatically.
ELIAS: Yes, I am aware.
MARCOS: That makes me feel good; that gives me the value fulfillment that I suppose I seek without really seeking it. It’s part of who I am.
MARCOS: That’s great; I understand. That question is totally cleared up, and I really thank you not just for answering it but for all this time that you’ve been around, lending me your energy. Do you feel it too, especially at night I reach out to you and I send you spontaneously my energy? You receive that too, don’t you?
ELIAS: Oh, yes, quite definitely, and I am continuously expressing my appreciation to you and my genuine lovingness and affection.
MARCOS: What can I tell you, I feel it all the time and I just want to do the same. You’re such a great friend. I don’t have words to...
ELIAS: I am understanding, my friend. Our friendship is quite valued with myself, also.
MARCOS: Let me kind of finish this up, this theme with the dream I had. It was very clear. Again, I wonder if I missed anything; I don’t think so. I was in a room with Isabel, and I think the reason Isabel was there was because she was just lending her incredible, wonderful energy. I went to the bathroom, and after I went to the bathroom, I flushed the toilet. That kind of signifies to me that whatever I have inside, or I had inside, I’m letting go of. In the same dream, in the same room, there were like three small candles that were almost burnt out. I kept trying to light them with matches, and the matches would go out. It was a very small wick in each of the candles, and they were slowly but surely dying out. My impression of all of that is very illustrative of this process and that you let go of some things and you go a different way for others.
ELIAS: Yes, and how very familiar it is to continue to attempt to ignite certain interactions or relationships that have been expressed in a familiar manner, and that these relationships change. It is significant to be aware of their changing and allow for the flexibility of difference, not necessarily to eliminate, but to allow for expansion and difference.
It is significant that you incorporate three of these candles, for each of these candles represents a different relationship — one with your previous partner, one with Paul, and one with your daughter — and they are all changing. They are not being eliminated, but they are changing, and to continue to attempt to ignite and sustain them in the same familiar manners in which you have previously is not quite efficient and does not allow for the expansion and the changes and the new expressions.
MARCOS: I understand it now; I understand that perfectly. Here’s something I just thought of, too. In the last few nights, I also had another dream that I’m pretty sure was a projection. It felt like one of these wonderful projections that I have, that I just fly about and it feels so free and incredible to be doing all kinds of things in the air. But it was pitch black, and I didn’t know where I was headed. I was just flying about and following this road, this path, and there was somebody up by the curb that was running ahead of me or flying ahead of me. It was black, and I think that was a beckoning for me to follow that called me. I was a little bit afraid because it was so dark, yet I was also not very afraid because I just kept on going and following. When I woke up, the feeling I always have after one of these is really a wonderful feeling, even though it was pitch black and I didn’t know where I was going. I sensed that that person up in front was you.
ELIAS: Yes, encouraging you that although what you may be approaching or moving into is unfamiliar and in some respects somewhat unknown, regardless, you are safe and you are not alone, and that movement into that unfamiliar and unknown may be the doorway to a much greater freedom.
MARCOS: Wow, that is so incredible. I knew that, and yet I just wanted to make sure because it’s a big step for me, as you know. But that’s where I’m going to.
ELIAS: And I am with you also. (Chuckles)
MARCOS: I appreciate that. Now, I think, after all this, it’s time for some fun.
ELIAS: Ah! Very well!
MARCOS: (Laughs) Oh, Elias, it’s been so great to talk to you. I do it all the time. I go about my house talking to you out loud. (Elias chuckles) I know you’re there listening and validating, sending me your energy, which is extremely helpful. It’s a hell of a lot better of a trip with somebody like you. It’s great. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
ELIAS: You are very welcome my friend. (Chuckles)
MARCOS: I think I shall be off and see what kind of great things I can create this beautiful Sunday.
ELIAS: Very well, and I shall be with you and interacting with you, and I shall be offering my energy in playfulness to you!
MARCOS: Thank you so much, my friend.
ELIAS: To you my dear, dear friend, I incorporate genuine appreciation of our interaction, of our friendship and of our connection in lovingness. I shall be anticipating our next objective interaction, but I shall be with you as always, continuously. In unbounding fondness, Marta, au revoir.
MARCOS: Au revoir.
Elias departs after 31 minutes.
©2009 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved
Copyright 2005 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.