Discussing a Difficult Relationship
“Discussing a Difficult Relationship”
Tuesday, May 10, 2005 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Anonymous
(Elias’ arrival time is 18 seconds.)
ELIAS: Good morning!
ANON: Good morning, and thank you very much for all your help.
ELIAS: You are quite welcome.
ANON: I appreciate that.
I’m just curious. I had a phone call which connected to someone speaking French, I mean with a French accent. Did you have anything to do with that?
ELIAS: (Laughs) Merely a playful reminder of my presence.
ANON: I just had a feeling you were involved with that! I never thought I would ever get one of the Elias tricks, but I guess I did. (Elias laughs) I have to admit, it was pretty funny. I have an impression about my friend, (name omitted). Is he intermediate?
ANON: I’ve been told that he has a sort of a scattered energy or doesn’t seem to have a core or seems to put up like a little tornado or whatever. What is that about him?
ELIAS: The scatteredness is correct.
ANON: What is that scatteredness?
ELIAS: That is associated with himself and his attention, not focusing his attention clearly and also not incorporating a clear awareness of his own energy and how it is being projected.
ANON: Is that what we would call a mental illness?
ELIAS: Not necessarily.
ANON: What would we call it?
ELIAS: You may explain it to yourselves psychologically as a type of neurosis, but not necessarily a mental illness.
ANON: It’s emotional?
ELIAS: More so, but it could be altered, if the individual were so choosing, in allowing himself to focus his attention more clearly and to be aware more fully of his energy and how it is being projected. But as I have expressed in other situations, this would be the choice of the individual. Individuals at times choose to be experiencing their reality in different manners that may not necessarily correlate with what you generally associate as the norm.
ANON: Well, I don’t want to interfere with his choices, of course. I’m more interested in presenting options. But are you saying this is not something he would be interested in doing, altering the focus of his attention?
ELIAS: Perhaps you may interact with this individual and inquire, but in that inquiry, be aware of yourself and be accepting.
ANON: I’ve been working with this relationship, working not to judge myself in the relationship and to not judge the relationship. What would you say you see as the change in the way it has been, the change in the relationship?
ELIAS: What is your assessment?
ANON: It seems that there’s a degree of greater intimacy. However, (name omitted) is very unstable in his affection and in his emotions and stuff. It makes it difficult for me to evaluate it.
ELIAS: But the significant element is you and what you are doing and what you are creating and what type of energy you are projecting. That is what is the most important. And what is your evaluation of what YOU are doing?
ANON: Well, I feel more adventurous and I’m putting more attention on myself.
ELIAS: Yes, I am in agreement.
ANON: That seems to have a positive effect on the relationship.
ANON: And my greater attention on myself seems to facilitate greater intimacy in the relationship.
ELIAS: Yes, which I would encourage you to be continuing in this manner, becoming more familiar with yourself and your preferences and your energy, and to allow yourself to be present with yourself in the now in all of your situations. That shall allow you greater freedom in creating what you want more efficiently.
ANON: More present with myself in all my situations...
ANON: ...more creativity and more efficiency. Even though this relationship has been very frustrating for me in many ways, in some ways it’s a very efficient mirror. Because if my attention goes off myself, it seems that immediately there is a negative response or whatever.
ELIAS: I am understanding. Offer an example of a scenario that may occur in your interaction with this individual in this relationship that generates frustration or conflict with you.
ANON: For example, we’ll make an agreement like what we’re doing right now, which is exploring another way of relating in our relationship with me more dominant, and it carries over to our physical relationship. We will make an agreement about something and then he won’t carry through his agreement, or he will say I didn’t really understand that or I’m not real sure I want to do that, after he’s already gotten what he wants. When it’s supposed to be time for me to get what I want, then he starts fudging on it. This will be very discouraging to me and frustrating (inaudible).
ELIAS: I am understanding.
Now; let us evaluate this example. In this, you interact and you set forth what you identify as an agreement. That is the beginning of the pitfall. For you are in that moment, in creating this agreement per se, you are already generating expectations.
Now; once again, let us evaluate this situation, eliminating the other individual and merely concentrating upon you and what you are doing. Therefore, you are generating an agreement and you are immediately setting forth an expectation. You are setting into motion an environment of yourself that is expressing anticipation.
Therefore, your attention becomes divided, for you are somewhat paying attention to the now and somewhat paying attention to what you are doing and somewhat paying attention to what type of energy you are projecting, but not clearly. For, the clarity is clouded by the anticipation and the attention being divided in that anticipation of your part of the agreement. Therefore, you generate an expectation of yourself to fulfill one element of the agreement, but you also project another expectation of the other individual, that they also shall fulfill their element of the agreement. Therefore, you have efficiently created a scenario in which you are expressing familiar patterns. Perhaps in a different manner, but it remains a familiar pattern of expectations. As you project expectations, you also generate a strong potential for disappointment.
Now; if you are genuinely paying attention to you and not concerning yourself with the other individual but allowing yourself to express you in the manner in which you want or you prefer, not concerning yourself with what you should or should not receive from the other individual or acquire from the other individual, you project a very different type of energy, for you are no longer expressing expectation. Remember, expectation projects an energy of threat and of discounting. It is discounting of you, and it is discounting of the other individual. The other individual receives that energy and responds, and therefore reflects to you what you are actually doing.
ANON: I guess I really have been mixed up in this area, because I kind of thought that was part of the game, to have the expectations back and forth. I guess that that’s not really much of a game to the other person.
ELIAS: And in actuality, not with yourself either, for you generate disappointment, and thusly, subsequently you discount yourself.
ANON: Yes, to think how foolish I was to have this expectation.
ANON: This person has agreed to go and see this particular therapist, but I’m feeling like this person might try to say, “She said I should make the appointment, but I don’t feel like I want to make the appointment.”
ELIAS: It is not your responsibility.
ANON: He said he would go, but I feel like I also have an interest in having him go. It’s just that I thought it would be helpful for us (inaudible) him up a little bit, but apparently this is not correct.
ELIAS: For this is not what the other individual wants. You are correct that if this is not the direction of the other individual, it shall not be helpful.
ANON: I guess my whole point in having that person go to this therapist was because I felt like it would somehow help him to be less fearful and rigid, and apparently that was an incorrect conclusion. Is there anything that would help this person be any less fearful and rigid?
ELIAS: Yes. That would be YOUR expression. That would be associated with you genuinely expressing an acceptance of the other individual without expectations, which projects a supportive energy. The other individual receives that energy in a manner that is supportive and not threatening, and therefore does not require protection. If an individual is expressing fear, they automatically generate different manners to be protective of themselves.
ANON: I see. So anything that makes him fearful is going to put up this shell.
ELIAS: Yes. But that may be influenced by what is occurring within his environment. If you are an element within his environment, if you are not threatening, there is less necessity for protection and there is less necessity to be shielding.
But that also may incorporate a time framework, for in association with fear, individuals have become quite familiar with the experience of fear. If they generate that in an on-going time framework, it becomes not merely familiar but also automatic, and many times individuals do not objectively view any manner in which they may move outside of that box of fear. Therefore, in a manner of speaking, they perceive themselves to be stuck and incorporating no choices. That, many times, is reinforced through what they draw to themselves objectively within their environment, what they are creating. It is familiar to him to be generating the type of behavior that he does. It is also automatic, and he does not objectively recognize many of his choices. Therefore, he holds to his energy, and he holds himself within this box.
If he presents to himself different expressions within his environment — which he is beginning to do, for you are changing and you are an element within his environment presently — therefore, there is some movement of beginning to explore some alteration. But fear is a powerful expression and may be quite challenging to address to, and it is easily fed. Therefore, if YOU are genuinely paying attention to you and not generating expectations and are not creating an energy of threat but one of acceptance, that eventually is noticed and becomes more trustworthy, so to speak. In a manner of speaking, it allows the other individual to risk lowering those shields temporarily to experiment with whether they can actually engage other choices or not. For, understand that while an individual is generating this experience of fear, they genuinely do not recognize that they do incorporate choices.
But in this, also, what is significant in your understanding of what you are doing is to be clearly aware that you are not paying attention to yourself and being present with yourself to the exclusion of other individual. Allow yourself to interact with other individuals and receive energy from other individuals, but be also simultaneously aware of YOU in that interaction, and aware of what you are doing, of what you are responding to, of whether you are reacting and of what your motivation is, therefore allowing yourself an awareness of whether you are projecting expectations or not.
If you are generating an expectation of the other individual to engage an action of seeking out interaction with a therapist, what is your motivation? Your motivation is that this shall benefit you. In that, what are you actually expressing? What you are actually expressing is that if the individual engages this action, this shall be beneficial to you, for the therapist shall engage some action of altering the other individual’s reality, which shall also alter your reality. Which expresses what? That you do not create all of your reality, that other individuals incorporate the ability to be creating some elements of your reality — and therefore, you become the victim.
ANON: One of the things I had considered was working with people who have sexual compulsions. Part of it is because of (name omitted)’s experiences in this area, and part of me feels a sense of compassion for him being locked into these patterns. It sort of sparks my interest in working with this area, but I feel intimidated by it. There’s been no progress really by therapists when working with people that have this compulsion. I am wondering if you see me being able to somehow becoming successful with this.
ELIAS: That is a potential; you can. But as we have discussed, this would also somewhat require you to be aware of yourself, aware of your motivation in different scenarios, to be clearly aware of what type of energy you are projecting, and to genuinely be supportive of the other individual, and to genuinely allow yourself to connect with the other individuals and therefore understand their fear and what motivates their behavior.
Sexual interaction can be incorporated as a camouflage for intimacy. It can also be incorporated as a camouflage for nurturing and acceptance. An individual can experience such a discounting of themselves and of their own value that they turn their attention to sexual activity as a false means of acquiring what they perceive that they lack.
ANON: What would it be that they perceive that they lack? Is that like acceptance?
ELIAS: Yes, and also value. Individuals, at times, may incorporate sexual activity as a camouflaged substitute, so to speak, as an expression of attractiveness or that they can express some type of production that is valuable, therefore equating that with their value, equating what they do with their value.
ANON: I’m sort of exploring these areas in terms of sexual expressions, and I feel like this is of benefit to me, to broaden my horizons in this way. Do you see it this way also?
ELIAS: Yes, for you are allowing yourself to explore more of yourself and discover more of your preferences and allowing yourself to be more freely expressive of yourself. That is a different action than what you are inquiring of concerning other individuals that appear to incorporate some type of sexual compulsion.
ANON: My understanding of the specific, particular compulsion that I want to specialize in is basically that a person engages in this at the emotional age they last felt good about themselves. Would you say that is accurate? In other words, if a person engages in a sexual behavior with a very young person, this was the age when they last felt that they had something to offer, or felt positive about themself.
ELIAS: That may be somewhat too general. I would encourage you to interact with the individual in a more individual manner in relation to their experiences, and not necessarily to be moving in the direction of your established psychological beliefs. That merely encourages the individual to generate an association more so as a victim.
ANON: I just want to ask about the peak state, in which I feel like I just loved him. I feel like I’m (inaudible) with these peak states.
ELIAS: But recognize, my friend, that you may experience sexual interaction in one manner and surfacely it may appear that another individual is experiencing similarly, but they may not necessarily be. Their experience may be quite different. There are individuals that incorporate issues with sexual interaction that actually do not experience the wonderment or the freedom or the pleasure of it at all.
ANON: So, how would I be able to know this? I feel like with (name omitted) that so far our experience is limited with this new thing, that he has felt secure and safe, then he left. Would you agree with that?
ANON: Can you explain more?
ELIAS: But there remain issues in association with genuine intimacy, and that is associated with his own lack of intimacy with himself and his own lack of allowance with himself to genuinely be paying attention to himself. That is what generates the fear.
ANON: And that is what is reflected in the sex?
ANON: The other part is, is he is able to relax for...? I mean, sometimes I feel he does not really enjoy having sex.
ELIAS: That is the point.
ANON: So would you say he does not enjoy having sex because he considers it an expectation, or he just doesn’t enjoy it, period?
ELIAS: There are many factors involved in this scenario, and it is not as black-and-white or as singular as it may surfacely appear. There are many factors that interplay.
ANON: I don’t know if he actually enjoys having sex with a woman, period. Is that a factor?
ELIAS: I would express that that is not necessarily a consideration at this point, for the individual is not clear enough with his own preferences and with himself to even incorporate the ability to generate that type of evaluation within himself.
ANON: I have kind of questioned the benefit to me that we continue in the relationship of the nature we’ve had, because it does seem like it’s pretty frustrating for me a lot of times.
ELIAS: But this is the point in evaluating YOU and being present with yourself in all that you do and your experiences, and allowing yourself to be becoming more intimately familiar with you, therefore evaluating what your motivation is in different scenarios — if your motivation is beneficial to you, or whether your motivation is to be fixing another individual or attempting to alter their reality, OR expecting the other individual to create some elements of your reality.
ANON: The book that I have called “Peak States,” I feel like I would like to pursue this. I’m wondering if some of these peak states will be critical to people who have developed these sexual compulsions. I understand that it is symbolic in some way because of my own experience with this altered state that I got into. They talk about how first you have the matrix, then you have physical symbolic events and all that. There’s some point during this whole process where a person gets on a sexual compulsion.
ELIAS: Not necessarily. That would more be an expression of exploring yourself and what you are capable of expressing and experiencing within physical expressions. A compulsion is influenced by other issues.
ANON: Which is what?
ELIAS: It would be dependent upon the individual.
ANON: So, it’s not the pre-birth experience that creates the compulsion?
ANON: Oh, that is very interesting, because I thought those pre-birth experiences pretty much set a person’s life habits.
ELIAS: No. That negates choice.
ANON: I thought it was kind of an illusion, but I still felt it was important, an important contribution.
Anyway, I wanted to ask about my health. How is my health doing?
ELIAS: I may express to you, as you are already aware, that it has significantly improved, has it not?
ANON: Yes, but I do notice that my hair seems to be getting kind of thin. I have hair loss and have been wondering what that is about.
ELIAS: And what is your impression?
ANON: Does it have to do with hormones or stress?
ANON: Forgetting that I’m young?
ELIAS: That also. Pay attention to your body communications. Your physical body communicates continuously, but generally speaking, individuals are not accustomed to listening to the communications of the physical body consciousness unless it is generated in what the individual perceives as a negative manifestation. Individuals generally do pay attention to that type of a communication.
Your physical body consciousness is quite efficient at communicating to you what is the most efficient for its functioning. If you are genuinely paying attention and aware of the energy of your physical body consciousness, it shall express to you what is the most efficient and beneficial actions to incorporate in association with its maintenance and in association with your beliefs, for your beliefs filter all of your reality and are influencing of all that you do, but...
ANON: How do I know which one is relate to the hair loss?
ELIAS: You have already identified several.
ANON: Is it my forgetting that I’m young?
ELIAS: Partially, yes, an association with aging. It is also associated with what you term to be stress, which is generated in frustration and not relaxing.
ANON: Is it just that I need to relax more and my hair will come back?
ELIAS: I may also encourage you to be investigating different vitamins.
ANON: Can you steer me in a direction?
ELIAS: (Chuckles) But this is an element of your adventure in investigating, which shall also be an action that encourages you to genuinely be paying more attention to you and what your natural expression of energy is — in a manner of speaking, a new treasure hunt.
ANON: Yes. Aside from my hair, is my health pretty good? Or is it a symbol of my general body health?
ELIAS: Is your hair a symbol of your general body health? No. And generally, I may express to you an acknowledgment that your health has been significantly improving, and you have been significantly successful in your movement with that.
ANON: I have to thank you for giving me a lot of help with this.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) But you are what implemented it.
ANON: I was also thinking about my eyes. Is that a stress situation as well, my eyesight? Or is that a vitamin thing?
ELIAS: That would be more associated with a tension. I may express to you that that may also somewhat improve as you begin to implement the action of genuinely noticing your energy and what type of energy you are projecting when you are interacting with other individuals.
ANON: I’d really like the experience of flying a plane, but I’m lacking confidence in my ability to create this. Is there anything you can say about it?
ELIAS: What do you view as an obstacle?
ANON: Well, the lessons are expensive. I wonder if I have the ability to really learn it. It seems like it is too good for me.
ELIAS: Ha ha! I may express to you, my friend, you quite definitely incorporate the ability to be accomplishing. It is merely a matter of what you want. But you do incorporate the ability to accomplish and be successful.
ANON: Are you seeing something that I don’t see, like I don’t really want it?
ELIAS: No. I may express to you that you are merely questioning your ability and doubting yourself, and therefore generating a restriction.
ANON: My thoughts are I wouldn’t have a plane to practice in, and how would I pay for the lessons, and do I want to start lessons if I can’t finish them. You’re saying these are not obstacles?
ELIAS: Correct. Allow yourself to relax and create in ease, and allow yourself an openness to many different avenues and possibilities. Whatever you do is not generated in a black-and-white method. There are many manners in which you may accomplish any action. Remember, objective imagery is abstract. Therefore, one subject may be expressed in many, many, many, many different manners.
ANON: We’ve talked about energy, cooperative versus opposing...
ANON: ...and I feel like that is a big element in my relationship with (name omitted) as well.
ANON: Also, I often see this around me quite a bit in what I would call passive-aggressive behavior. I’m very interested if you have a meditation or a little thing I can do, a little exercise like you suggested before for my work, about what I can do when I’m in a situation where the energy has become opposing, so that I can change it to cooperating.
ELIAS: Pay attention to YOUR energy and what you are doing with your energy. For if you are presenting to yourself opposing energy from other individuals, you are presenting to yourself a reflection.
Now; in this, as you become more and more clearly familiar with your own energy, you may at times present opposing energy to yourself to present yourself with the opportunity to notice that and notice how you choose to respond and how you can practice with not matching energy.
In this, pay attention to what you are actually doing. If you are experiencing a situation in which you are recognizing opposing energy, before you attempt to evaluate what you are generating within yourself that may be discounting or may be opposing and not cooperating, allow yourself momentarily merely to stop, acknowledge the opposition, and generate some expression of appreciation. That shall interrupt the opposition. That shall allow you to relax and not move into automatic responses of reaction or matching energy. Are you understanding?
ELIAS: Appreciation is a very powerful expression. Appreciation is one of your MOST powerful expressions and may be incorporated to alter the energy that is being expressed in an immediate manner, which allows you the freedom to relax and thusly generate more clarity in what you are actually doing.
ANON: I have a quick question about my dog. I’ve been considering giving away my dog because I don’t think I’m a good enough master. I know it’s kind of silly, but do you have any comments on it?
ELIAS: What is your assessment of yourself in relation to this creature? Explain that you are “not good enough.” Explain to myself what your evaluation is.
ANON: Because I don’t take it for walks, I don’t play with it, I feel like it is too big for my house, and I can’t be spontaneous in going overnight places.
ELIAS: Now; in this, allow yourself to reevaluate. It is not a question of that you are not adequate or not good enough with the creature. It is more a question of your preferences. It is not a matter of discounting yourself or devaluing yourself as not good enough in your performance or your relationship with the creature. But rather, it is a question of your preferences and allowing yourself permission to express your preferences, that you wish to be incorporating more physical freedom and less of what you perceive to be responsibility. That is not bad or wrong. That is an acknowledgment of your preference.
ANON: Can you see my work with peak states with this woman, (name omitted)? I feel it’s beneficial to me. Would you agree with this?
ELIAS: Yes, but remember that experiences are not absolutes, and they do not generate destiny.
ANON: That’s a really big part of what they go along with, is that it generates destiny.
ELIAS: That is not true, and that negates free will and choice. There is no destiny; there is no fate.
ANON: It seems like once your matrix is set in place, your whole life is sort of set in place.
ELIAS: No. That may be altered in any moment.
Now; let me express to you as I have expressed previously in this forum, as you choose to manifest within this physical reality, you do choose a pool of probabilities prior to your emergence into this physical reality, but that also is NOT an absolute. Most individuals generally do move in association with that pool of probabilities, so to speak, which is associated with their intent within a particular focus, and you do follow your intent within a focus for that is the direction of your exploration and what you have chosen to generate your value fulfillment.
But once again, it is not an absolute and it can be altered. Individuals do occasionally move outside of their pool of probabilities and generate an entirely different direction than perhaps was originally moved into, and therefore can dramatically alter the direction of their focus.
ANON: I would like to be able to alter some things, not necessarily everything.
ELIAS: Which you can, for you do incorporate the ability. This is the point, that there is no destiny and no fate, and that you do incorporate choice continuously.
ANON: If I am connecting to this, to the (inaudible), would this be my way of realizing this choice?
ELIAS: You are offering yourself new and different information to allow yourself to expand your awareness, and in that, I am merely expressing to you the reminder that there are no absolutes and that you may incorporate whatever information you offer yourself in whatever manner you choose, but that is a choice. You are not destined in association with certain experiences to move in a particular direction. You always incorporate choice, and you can always alter your direction and your experiences.
ANON: With my sexual exploration, I’m looking for a mentor, a positive mentor. I know there’s a lot of sort of dicey people out there, and I just want to get a good mentor.
ELIAS: I would express to you, in paying attention to you and paying attention to your energy, you shall draw to yourself that type of individual.
ANON: Would the Internet work? Some of these meeting rooms or whatever, is that a good place to look?
ELIAS: That is an avenue, but be paying attention to your energy, for that is what shall draw the individual to you. Therefore, if you want to draw a type of individual to yourself that will express a compatibility and a complement to your energy, pay attention to what you are projecting.
ANON: Do you have any recommendations along those lines?
ELIAS: That was it! (Laughs)
ANON: My last question is on my relation with (name omitted) again. (Sighs) It seems to be, for some reason, he makes things very focused around sexual issues. If he does not really enjoy sex, then why is he so focused on it, especially with us?
ELIAS: As I have expressed, this is an outlet of energy which is a camouflage for other issues.
ANON: Would it be of greater benefit to be direct about those issues or just leave it the way it is?
ELIAS: As I have suggested to you, practice acceptance and no expectations. In that, you shall express a supportive energy which may allow him to be more open in sharing.
ANON: What’s interesting is that sometimes he wants to have certain sexual experiences, and they’re pretty self-focused for him and I’m not really wanting to and I...
ELIAS: Pay attention to YOUR preferences. Pay attention to YOUR energy, pay attention to what YOU want and allow yourself your own freedom to express what you want. Evaluate genuinely within yourself what motivates you to accommodate, for it is not a matter of acquiescing or compromising or accommodating with the other individual. It is a matter of paying attention to you and allowing yourself to express your preferences and your freedom and cooperate, not acquiesce.
ANON: Say we’re in a situation where he wants me to do something for him...
ELIAS: What would be your motivation to comply?
ANON: He just seems so desperate for something.
ELIAS: And what is YOUR motivation to comply?
ANON: (Sighs) I guess it feels uncomfortable to be in the presence of that fear, and my action caused him to feel... I don’t know, for some reason the fear seems to dissipate if I have a certain behavior, and then I’m more comfortable.
ELIAS: Therefore, you are fixing, but you are also perpetuating what you do not want.
ANON: Yes, and he’ll actually put quite a bit of pressure on me. I’ll feel very uncomfortable continuing to hold my ground, and then I give in. You’re saying that I need to be true to myself and really just stick to what I am preferring.
ELIAS: Yes, and remove yourself from the situation if that is helpful. That is another avenue that you may incorporate.
ANON: Even though he becomes very angry and...?
ELIAS: (Strongly) It is not your responsibility to fix that.
ANON: I appreciate that, because that’s been tough for me.
ELIAS: It is not your responsibility to moderate his behavior. You are not creating his reality, but you are allowing him to dictate your choices.
ANON: And why does he do that? Why...
ELIAS: It matters not! What is important is what YOU are doing.
ANON: I just feel like it is not very considerate or kind of him to be so demanding, and that gets me angry.
ELIAS: But this is not your concern. This is a judgment of the other individual associated with YOUR guidelines of what YOU do or how YOU behave. But this is not your concern. What IS your concern is YOUR choices, and how you continue to allow this situation, and allow the other individual to dictate your choices by acquiescing and not paying attention to you, and not moving in your own preferences. You perpetuate that type of behavior that you dislike.
ANON: All right, thanks.
ELIAS: You are quite welcome. I shall be offering my energy to you also in encouragement and in supportiveness. And remember, be playful!
ELIAS: To you, my friend, as always in great affection and in genuine appreciation, I shall be anticipating our next meeting. Be encouraged. I express to you in fondness, au revoir.
ANON: Thank you.
Elias departs after 1 hour, 14 minutes.
©2009 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved
Copyright 2005 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.