Saturday, March 19, 2005 (Private/Phone)

Participants: Mary (Michael) and Alicia (Tisara)

(Elias’ arrival time is 16 seconds.)

ELIAS: Good morning!

ALICIA: Good morning. (Elias chuckles) How are you?

ELIAS: As always, and yourself?

ALICIA: I’m pretty good. I’m very excited but nervous to be talking to you. This is my first time.

ELIAS: (Chuckles) Welcome!

ALICIA: Thank you. First of all, I just want to say a little preamble here, which is that I discovered you on the Internet and you have made such a difference in my life, just reading all these transcripts. I feel like I can relate to just about everybody that’s come to you in some big or small way. One of the biggest things that I feel such fondness for with you is that I’m a psychotherapist by trade, and I think you have just amazingly helped me understand what my profession should be but mostly isn’t. You talk about how everybody really needs to work on self-trust and acceptance and self-acceptance, and I put it up against my profession and how when someone comes to see a therapist, it’s always what’s wrong with you, what’s your problem, which seems to be the exact opposite of helping somebody trust themselves and accept themselves. So, that has just been very meaningful to me.

ELIAS: Ha ha! Very well!

ALICIA: I know that everybody likes to get their statistics I guess they call them, but I would like to, in my road of working on accepting myself, I would like to give you my impression.

ELIAS: Very well!

ALICIA: Then you can award me points or not, as the case may be! (Elias laughs) Family, I was thinking of belonging to the Sumafi family. The reason I got that, I guess, is because I feel myself to be very playful, and also, looking back on my life, really feeling like I’m on a hamster wheel, as you have said. I seem to really have issues about distortion versus truth and wanting things to be truthful. I get kind of emotionally, I don’t know, wigged out when I feel something is distorted. So, that’s what I said to myself, and now I guess you can yea or nay me.

ELIAS: Correct. You are correct.

ALICIA: Oh, good! My alignment, I thought — I’m not sure I’m pronouncing the name right — but Tumold.

ELIAS: Correct.

ALICIA: I thought that because not only of my profession, but I feel like, again, my whole life has also been about working very hard at healing myself. My orientation I had a little bit of a harder time with. At first, I thought I was intermediate, but now I think that I’m soft. But then I was thinking I could also be dispersed, because I feel like there are times when I don’t really feel like I have that, I think you call it a bubble of energy around me. But I’ve gone back now to thinking I’m soft.

ELIAS: Correct.

ALICIA: In terms of type, I thought I was more the emotional type, even though I grew up in a highly thoughtful, intellectual family. I think my first response has always been emotional. I was always told that I was too emotional when I was growing up. So I’m going to say emotional.

ELIAS: Correct.

ALICIA: My intent, I was thinking about this. This might just be my intent with my focus as opposed to my essence. I was sort of looking at themes and repetitions in my life, and two kind of stuck out for me. I seem to be kind of like an alchemist, blending and balancing things — my thoughts with my emotions, or my emotions with my thoughts, my subjective with my objective. The second thing is that I see myself constantly doing things with a great deal of intensity. Just a minute. (Speaks off line) I’ve got four children, so that was just a little interruption.

ELIAS: (Laughs) Very well!

ALICIA: So again, I don’t know if this is more of I’m looking at my focus rather than my intent or my essence, but it’s something with intensity and blending and balancing.

ELIAS: And you are correct! Let me also express to you, the identification of an intent is associated with the focus, not necessarily with the entire movement of essence, but identifying what the theme is of your direction within your individual focus, and your identification is quite accurate. You are engaging the intent of exploring intensity in experiences in relation to and in conjunction with balancing.

ALICIA: And I’ll tell you, it’s lots of fun. Ha! (Elias laughs) Now, for my essence name, I got nothing. I was thinking that maybe I was using my intellect more than just letting things naturally flow. So, I’m lost with my essence name. (Elias laughs) Maybe you could throw me a bone and give me my essence name?

ELIAS: Very well. Essence name, Tisara, T-I-S-A-R-A (tis SAH ruh).

ALICIA: Thank you.

ELIAS: You are welcome.

ALICIA: My essence color, I had two very strong dreams that seem to point to a violet color, but I also can feel turquoise and maybe something that’s more a pink-salmon color. I haven’t really zeroed things down exactly, but am I coming close with any of those?

ELIAS: Yes. The focus color would be violet. Your signature color, which would be your essence color, is aqua.

ALICIA: How many focuses, can you tell me, do I have in this dimension?

ELIAS: Numbering of focuses, 931.

ALICIA: My guess is that I have more in other dimensions.

ELIAS: Yes.

ALICIA: I was just wondering, because I’ve always had a really strong relationship to the Holocaust, have I had any focuses then? Particularly Anne Frank, for some reason, but I don’t know.

ELIAS: You do incorporate a focus that generates a similar experience to that individual in that time framework.

ALICIA: Also, I’ve had sort of an affinity to Charles Dickens, so I was wondering if there was any association with him.

ELIAS: The affinity that you experience in relation to that individual is that you also incorporate other focuses that are similar to some of the characters within his stories. Therefore, your experience is similar to what has been expressed in those stories.

ALICIA: Have any of those 131 focuses been famous?

ELIAS: Yes. That was not one hundred; that was NINE hundred.

ALICIA: Oh really! Anyway, I’m really interested in writing, so I was wondering if although I haven’t really done anything objectively with it in terms of publishing, I was wondering if my interest in writing goes back to anybody.

ELIAS: Yes, partially. Partially it is your own interest also. But yes, you do incorporate focuses that are writers, and yes, you do incorporate some famous individuals.

ALICIA: And? Could you tell me?

ELIAS: Ha ha! And shall you not investigate?

ALICIA: Oh, well! I was sort of, with Charles Dickens and Anne Frank. The other possibility I was thinking of was sometime during the 1940s and the writers of the Algonquin Roundtable, the New Yorker. I can’t think of her name. Dorothy Parker? I’m standing in the dark here!

ELIAS: That would be an observing essence role.

ALICIA: I guess I will investigate, then. How do you do that?

ELIAS: You may engage investigating of other focuses through visualizations or in dreams or within meditations. Also, listen to your impressions, for you may be offering yourself considerable information through impressions.

ALICIA: That’s kind of what I thought. I did have these impressions and I was close.

ELIAS: Yes!

ALICIA: So, do the same thing, continue in the same way. The other thing is that I was thinking that I was a final focus.

ELIAS: Yes.

ALICIA: I was wondering, because I feel a sort of, when I’m reading this stuff, a natural affinity with you, if I’ve had any focuses shared with you.

ELIAS: Yes, several.

ALICIA: In what capacity?

ELIAS: In the capacity of family members and friendships and one adversarial role. (Chuckles)

ALICIA: Adversarial! Oh no! Tell me it ain’t so!

ELIAS: (Laughs) Do not dismay, I am quite fond of adversarial relationships!

ALICIA: Now I have two questions that I would like to move on to, and they’re sort of burning questions for me right now. I was just wondering if you could give me some input. One goes back to my issues or experiences of intensity, and I was reading a transcript that you were discussing expectations in relationships and expectations with self. At the same time, like a week before that, I was reading a very interesting transcript that had to do with — the title of it was “Manifesting a Car” — and it had to do with beliefs about time. I’d never thought about time being a belief, and when I read it, it just sort of blew my mind.

I see that I’m really hung up on this, and the way I’m hung up on it, and I think it connects with expectations, is as you said to the individual that you were talking to in that transcript, that I feel like if I am not creating something in X amount of time, I’ve failed. Then what happens is, with my intensity and my struggles to accept myself and trust myself, I start to push with my energy, and I get into a real mess. That feels to me like part of my hamster wheel, and I really want to get beyond that, because I don’t think that it helps me create very efficiently or very powerfully. The funny thing, and I guess it’s why it feels like a hamster wheel to me, even though I know this, I feel like I’ve still got this rigid hold on it and I can’t let go of it, that expectation and sort of compulsion to push and be impatient.

Last year I had a very powerful dream that I associated with this. It had to do with being at a gas station and looking down and seeing that my fingertips were on fire. I kind of freaked out and put them in the sink or in a bowl of water or whatever, and then I was transported to the emergency room in the dream. So I woke up and I thought perhaps it’s something to do with when I’m trying to create, that I’m pushing it.

Most recently this has come about and become an issue for me, because I felt a really strong attraction to a man right after my divorce. Before we were emailing each other, I really didn’t need to experience another relationship at that time. I was pretty happy and actually feeling quite relieved at the sense of freedom with my divorce. But as we were engaging with one another, mostly by email, I really felt incredible, like he was like an essence twin, and I became very desirous and almost obsessive about him. At one point, I was driving my car and what I thought was an instinctive voice said to me, “Yes, he’s the one.” And I’d never really had that experience. Our interactions seemed to flow so naturally.

I could have sworn I read into some emails that it seemed like he was kind of flirtatious and interested and coming closer, and then, bam! Suddenly he backed off and he disappeared. In my confusion, I thought that — and I’m trying to work on this one — the control of the relationship came from outside of me. That’s where I was at at the time. I became addicted to contacting psychics regarding him. A few said this gentleman was not my soul mate, but most said that I had a deep connection in many lifetimes with him.

These psychics would say I see him coming around at such and such a time, by the end of December, by the middle of January. But then there would be nothing, so I would recontact him and say what’s the deal, and I could feel myself feeling a great deal of doubt, like where was my head at and I must have created this out of a whole cloth. A couple of psychics told me that they felt vibes that he was really shy and that I should be the one to help out by picking up the phone instead of emailing him, and calling him and just being friendly. I did that beginning of March, I think, and he hung up on me. So then I thought holy cow!

I became so nontrusting of myself. I couldn’t understand why, because in my gut I felt like this relationship was the right one, and it really transpired opposite to that. I want to understand what was I creating, because I just don’t know how helpful that was, that experience. If I was instinctively feeling something that had to do with there being a long association and kind of a twin essence sort of thing, is this relationship going to reappear? At this point, it feels like — and of course, I’m talking about probabilities — a part of me says forget it, because if somebody hangs up on you, that’s kind of a strong message. Anyway, I was just wondering if you had any thoughts about that, in terms of what would be most helpful for me to hear or understand about it.

ELIAS: Very well. First of all, let me express to you, in terms of what you define as soul mates, all of you incorporate many, many, many soul mates, not merely one. You also recognize familiarities, and at times, a strong draw to other individuals that you have incorporated many other focuses with. But that is not necessarily an indicator that you are meant to be generating a relationship with that individual now. It is merely communications that you offer to yourself concerning the familiarity of the other individual, which allows you an ease in interaction with that individual, or at times, may allow you an ease in repelling another individual.

I may express to you validation that you have incorporated many other focuses with that individual, but as I have stated, that is merely an identification of familiarity. What you generate in this focus now is dependent upon you and what direction you move within and what type of energy you are expressing. You create what you concentrate upon, and what you concentrate upon is not necessarily what you are thinking. In this, you also generate certain situations and expressions of other individuals in reflection to the energy that you are projecting.

In this scenario, what do you view changed? Or can you identify how the energy changed?

ALICIA: Oh, absolutely! I would say it started out with my energy feeling very confident and then flipped to a great deal of doubt.

ELIAS: That is a generality. You are correct, but let us be more specific. In this, as you began the interaction with this individual, you were expressing a confidence, but that also allowed you to express an energy of ease and one in which you allowed yourself to express playfully without expectations and merely enjoy and appreciate the interaction that you were generating. What changed was you beginning to doubt and thusly incorporating an energy of defensiveness and protectiveness of yourself, and expectation concerning the development of a specific type of relationship.

Now; you are no longer expressing playfully and appreciating what you are doing and how you are interacting, but the energy that you are projecting is one of threat and doubt, which generates the defense. To attempt to override the defense, you sought information to reinforce what you want, but these individuals that you define as psychics tap into one layer of your energy. Therefore, what they express to you in any given moment is an identification of what you are projecting in relation to what you want or what you think you want.

Therefore, they tap into certain probabilities or possibilities, for the probabilities that they are tapping into are not generated yet. Therefore, they are possibilities or potentials, and they express to you what are the strongest potentials in that moment, but that is merely associated with your energy and what you are projecting in relation to them. At times, they may be quite accurate as to what direction you are moving within. At times, they may appear to not be accurate at all, but the reason that they are not accurate is not actually that they have inaccurately tapped into your energy, but that they are tapping into it in the moment and that quite easily may change, for it is your choice of how you project your energy and what direction you move within.

In this, this scenario does not concern the other individual; it concerns you and your energy and what you are doing with your energy, how you are projecting it, and therefore, what you are creating. You may think that you want to generate a particular manifestation, and in actuality, you may not necessarily actually want that. But at times, your thinking may be accurately translating, but some of your beliefs may interfere with you actually creating what you want.

In this scenario, your thought process was partially accurate, not entirely. For remember, your thoughts do not create reality. They are an interpreting mechanism. They are a translating mechanism, and they may translate merely what you offer to yourself in information, and that is dependent upon where you are projecting your attention. If your attention is not upon self, your thought process is not accurately translating all that you are offering to yourself, for you are not paying attention to what you are communicating to yourself.

In this, your attention moved quite strongly away from yourself and to the other individual, in which you began to generate expectations — expectations of yourself, of what you should and should not do and how you should and should not behave, and expectations of the other individual, of what he should do and should not do and what you want from him, which is not the point. It does not concern the other individual. It is what YOU want with YOU, what YOU want to express and how YOU want to generate your own freedom.

This is a point of confusion for many, many, many individuals in association with relationships. What is familiar to you is to project your attention to the other individual and generate expectations concerning what you want the other individual to express or to do or how to behave. And that is not the point, for the other individual shall behave and shall express and shall do in association with reflecting YOU. Therefore, the most significant element is YOU, for you are creating EVERY aspect of your reality. Even the other individual and what the other individual does, YOU are creating that in your reality. It is a reflection of what YOU are doing.

Therefore, if YOU are pushing your energy in association with yourself and generating expectations of yourself in how you should behave and how you should not behave and how you should express and how you should not express, and you are generating more and more agitation, you shall reflect that with the individuals that you are interactive with. As objective imagery is abstract, you may be reflecting that energy in many different capacities, dependent on what individuals you choose to be interactive with. Even your children shall reflect some of this energy in their own agitation in relation to you, or restlessness — not necessarily conflict, but in anxiousness.

Now; the most significant element to be examining is what you are doing. We have already identified that an element of your intent in this focus is to be exploring intensity. But the other element of that is in relation to balance, how you may be expressing intensity but how that may be associated with balance, balance being the key term. In this scenario, where was the balance?

ALICIA: I don’t even think there was any balance. (Laughs)

ELIAS: Correct! There was not, and that is the point. You generated extremes, and you triggered familiar automatic responses. In this, rather than allowing yourself to stop and evaluate and examine and notice those familiar automatic responses, you merely continued to express them and generate more and more and more intensity, which also generated more frustration and confusion.

ALICIA: Right! I have to say, one of my problems here as I’m exploring intensity in relation to balance and I don’t have a balance, I hate that intensity and I’m not sure what...

ELIAS: I am understanding, for intensity may be quite satisfying and exciting, but it may also be quite uncomfortable if you are not generating that balance.

ALICIA: It’s uncomfortable, but also I don’t feel very accepting of myself, and I sort of become... Well, I’m self-hating of myself.

ELIAS: I am understanding. The manner in which you generate balance in intensity is to not push against it.

ALICIA: Not push against the intensity?

ELIAS: Correct, to not oppose it.

ALICIA: So, to accept it?

ELIAS: Yes. If you are generating opposition, you feed that intensity and you generate it to be stronger.

ALICIA: This brings a question, I guess, as to why I chose to be born into the family that I was. I mean, I know it was a choice, but here I was, very intense, and I really felt like I got a lot of emotional, verbal abuse for my intensity, and often times I was the scapegoat, I felt, in that my intensity was ruining the family. My father would verbalize that to me on occasion. So if I’m to learn to accept — and that’s an important piece, to accept my intensity as a way of bringing in balance — then what was the point of my creating such an opposite scenario growing up, where people around me were telling me the opposite?

ELIAS: I may express to you, many individuals choose similar types of experiences in association with their intents, and initially they may be appear to be contrary to the expression of their intent. But the reason that you choose these types of experiences is to explore those differences and to become familiar with differences in intensity — for that is an element of your intent — and therefore move yourself more genuinely into an actual understanding and acceptance. That is a motivation to be generating that acceptance.

ALICIA: So you’re saying it’s creating a challenge?

ELIAS: Yes.

ALICIA: Woo, well, what a challenge I did create! I tell you, I’m 49 and I’m still struggling with that acceptance and being able to feel okay about being intense.

ELIAS: I am understanding. But in this, as you become more familiar with yourself and who you are and how you naturally generate, it is futile to be opposing your own energy. What that generates is continuous conflict. This is what you have chosen in this particular focus, and it is not bad. It may be different from the expressions of other individuals, but that is an element that generates your uniqueness, and every individual incorporates their own uniqueness.

The reason that you seek sameness is that that provides an atmosphere of safety and it generates validation. You automatically view difference to be a threat, but difference may also be a complement.

ALICIA: Complement to the thing it’s different from?

ELIAS: Yes.

ALICIA: That in itself brings balance?

ELIAS: Yes. It is a matter of perception and what you generate. Just as with your clients, it is not a matter of you fixing them; it is not a matter of you fixing you, either. It is merely a matter of becoming more familiar with you and your natural flow of energy and your natural expressions and your preferences, and that your preferences are acceptable.

ALICIA: Right. That’s the $64,000 thing, I guess. In terms of working on becoming more familiar with my energy and learning to accept it, I feel like these last six months have been very difficult. But I also think that it’s been difficult because I’ve really been working hard, and it’s evident. Do you think that’s correct?

ELIAS: Yes.

ALICIA: Sometimes it feels like the difficulty is that I’m absorbing so much understanding that it can be overwhelming.

ELIAS: I am understanding. And remind yourself, you are not generating a race.

ALICIA: I’m not generating a race?

ELIAS: Correct. Therefore, it is not a matter of competing, and it is not a matter of winning. It is a matter of allowance.

In this also, in association with time, you may be experiencing much more of an ease and discover that you incorporate much more time if you are present with yourself in the now, paying attention to what you are actually doing in the now, and focusing your attention in that manner. You may practice in generating focusing your attention in one day.

ALICIA: I have to say that I’ve been really trying to be more conscious of this in the last week or two, and I would say objectively, maybe subjectively a little bit more, understanding that experience of ease. When I am just relating to people in the now without any expectations, it’s really so much more enjoyable and I’m so much more playful.

ELIAS: Correct! And much more relaxed.

ALICIA: Much more relaxed, yeah, they kind of go together. I don’t know if this is what happened, but I think I started to communicate with this person and then he got busy or whatever, and I started to miss him. Then I started to have this belief that if he’s not volleying back to me communication, then is this really the case that this is going to become a relationship that’s a good one, and I started to push because of the doubtfulness. But what do you do when you’re starting to feel that sense of really strong desire and longing or missing that person? I mean, how do you...?

ELIAS: Express that, rather than pushing. This is the point. The point is you, and what you want is you want to express yourself. You want to express what you are experiencing.

ALICIA: That’s very scary for me, because I get all caught up in the idea of rejection. But even when I did, I thought “express missing,” maybe it’s at that point, that as I expressed my missing, I was also pushing.

ELIAS: Correct.

ALICIA: It didn’t feel very accepted.

ELIAS: Correct. But...

ALICIA: That’s because it wasn’t flowing with ease. It was really kind of frantic.

ELIAS: Correct. In that, you were generating expectations of the other individual. Other individuals may not necessarily objectively identify that you are projecting an energy of expectation, but they do receive that energy and respond to it, and do recognize the threat of the expectation and are immediately responsive to that, just as you are in receiving expectations from other individuals.

There is an automatic natural repelling that you all generate in relation to expectations, for expectations generate a threat, and the threat is expressed in relation to the discounting of the other individual. You are already discounting of yourself. But in generating the expectation, you are also discounting the other individual, for whatever their expression is in the moment is not adequate enough.

ALICIA: I’m really starting to see that. But sometimes I see it and I do it anyway!

ELIAS: I am understanding, and that is an automatic response and it is very familiar. Therefore, it may incorporate some practice for you to be noticing and intentionally stopping, moving your attention to you and evaluating what you are actually doing: what signal are you expressing that generates a feeling, identify the feeling that is the signal, and subsequently allow yourself to decipher what the message is that you are offering to yourself.

You generate this experience of panic for you have ceased to generate your own playfulness and free flow of energy, and you are not allowing yourself to genuinely express. That circle may have been interrupted in the beginning of its creation by merely allowing yourself to stop and evaluate what the signal was — missing the other individual — and what message accompanied that signal — that you no longer perceive that you can interact with the other individual. But that is not true. You can.

ALICIA: Yes. We just have a few more minutes here, and I’m confused about whether or not this is a relationship in terms of possibilities and probabilities that would be important for me to pursue, or if it was a relationship that offered me this information and that now that I have it, to move on. Can you give me any information about that?

ELIAS: That is a question concerning quite black-and-white directions.

ALICIA: Well, that goes with my intensity, I guess.

ELIAS: In this, I may express to you first of all, it is your choice in association with what you want. You have offered yourself information, and what you have created thus far has been quite purposeful in offering you an avenue in which you may be exploring more of your own automatic responses, allowing you to actually view how you generate certain types of energy in association with denying your own expressions and restricting yourself. In this, it is your choice if you choose to be continuing to generate a relationship with this individual, but that also would be dependent upon what you do and how you project your energy.

ALICIA: So it has to do with how I project my energy, regardless of whether or not I objectively email him or pick up the phone and call him.

ELIAS: Correct.

ALICIA: That’s kind of what I’m thinking, sort of that I don’t really have to do anything if I want this relationship. At first I thought I really blew it, but then I’m thinking maybe... And that’s not accepting of myself and discounting myself.

ELIAS: Correct, and it is not that black-and-white.

ALICIA: The most important thing right now is for me to be able to just express myself...

ELIAS: Yes.

ALICIA: ...and get back to that balanced place.

ELIAS: Yes.

ALICIA: That could be regardless of whether or not I actively reach out to him. It will still be projected.

ELIAS: Yes.

ALICIA: That’s the trust, having to do with trusting subjective things and trusting things that I can’t see versus the concrete.

ELIAS: Yes. That is trusting yourself.

ALICIA: And it doesn’t have to be an actual encounter.

ELIAS: Correct.

ALICIA: That’s in the physical. I get really kind of confused about that and think the physical is everything, but that’s where I’m living right now in my attention. (Elias chuckles)

So, I’m going to let you go, and I want to thank you very, very much. I enjoyed talking with you.

ELIAS: And I you also, my friend. I shall be projecting my energy to you in encouragement and supportiveness.

ALICIA: I hope so, and I hope that I can continue to speak with you.

ELIAS: I shall be anticipating of that. I express to you great affection and a reminder of your playfulness. (Chuckles)

ALICIA: Thank you.

ELIAS: To you, my friend, in tremendous fondness, au revoir.

ALICIA: Au revoir.

Elias departs after 55 minutes.

(1) Alicia is referencing Session #894, 8/31/01.

©2008 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved

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Copyright 2005 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.