A Different Perception after Being in Prison
“A Different Perception after Being in Prison”
Wednesday, May 28, 2003 (Private/Phone)
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Anony (Mous)
Elias arrives at 10:51 AM. (Arrival time is 17 seconds.)
ELIAS: Good morning!
ANONY: Good morning, Elias! Long time no see! (Elias laughs) It has been a long time.
ELIAS: In your terms! Ha ha!
ANONY: Lots of changes in my life.
ANONY: I’m going to mainly focus on focuses, okay?
ELIAS: Very well.
ANONY: I’ve been sort of collaborating with Ken/Connor about possible shared focuses that he and I might have, and I’ve got quite a list here. The one that I thought about before collaboration with Ken was a shared focus that I had with Oscar Wilde. Was I your mother? Was I Oscar’s mother?
ELIAS: Observing essence throughout the entirety of the focus.
ANONY: Observing essence of his mother?
ELIAS: Yes, throughout the entirety of the focus.
ANONY: I’ve been taking a couple of computer classes, and I took a class on creating web pages. Our first assignment was to create a website on anything you want, and I for some reason decided to do Oscar Wilde. I did all this research on the Internet. I became totally obsessed with Oscar. (Elias laughs) I read about everything! I read everything he wrote, I read about his friends, I downloaded pictures — quite a handsome fellow, by the way! (Laughs)
ELIAS: I am in agreement! Ha ha ha!
ANONY: I was just so entranced! Then I remembered that when I was a child for some reason I read “The Ballad of Reading Gaol,” which is an odd thing for a child to read, but it all sort of connected. I felt so much pain for Oscar when I was doing all this research and reading. One thing that really hit me in the face was when his mother told him that if you stay here in England and go to trial, I will always be with you, but if you leave the country, you will no longer be my son. I thought that was terrible!
I felt really great emotions when I was creating that website, and so I was just absolutely positive that I had a really close connection to Oscar. As a matter of fact, lots of times when I think of you in my mind, I call you Oscar instead of Elias! (Elias laughs)
Ken thinks that he has a connection there, too. He wanted to know whether he was Beardsley or not.
ANONY: I told him that I didn’t like Beardsley because when Oscar got out of prison and was walking down the street, Beardsley crossed the street. I decided I did not like Beardsley at all! (Both laugh)
ELIAS: I may express the identification of paternal grandfather.
ANONY: Ken was Oscar’s paternal grandfather?
ANONY: He’ll be delighted to hear that! (Elias chuckles)
An Egyptian focus — I think I probably have more than one. I’m kind of relying on impressions I got when I was a child as opposed to impressions that I get now. I got a lot of impressions when I was a child, but being an adult I decided they were just imagination, so I don’t get them as much (Elias laughs) except when I’m reading something. Yesterday I was reading a book called “Ramses.” And don’t laugh — was I Queen Nefertiti?
ELIAS: A handmaiden.
ANONY: A handmaiden to her?
ANONY: You told me once that I have a focus in Russia whose name is the same as my essence name. Is that Russian focus a present focus? (Pause)
ELIAS: Overlapping, yes.
ANONY: Do I have any other Egyptian focuses, other than a handmaiden to Nefertiti?
ANONY: Could you give me a clue? (Both laugh)
ELIAS: Actually, you incorporate several.
ANONY: Are there any of them that I would recognize their names, that I might read about in a book somewhere?
ANONY: Initials? (Laughs) Male or female?
ELIAS: (Chuckles) My clue to you is not to look in references associated with royalty but an individual that may be discovered in historical references.
ANONY: I always enjoy reading about Egypt so maybe I can find that. Would it have something to do with temples, a religious-type focus?
ANONY: This was one Ken and I talked about. This would be a Russian focus. This was at the time that Ken was Nicholas. He thinks that I had a focus in that timeframe, where I was a ballerina or some type of a dancer.
ANONY: He also said that he felt that Rasputin was somehow involved. I don’t know whether he meant I was involved with Rasputin as a dancer.
ELIAS: That individual knows of your focus.
ANONY: I almost did a website on Rasputin instead of Oscar, but I was drawn more to Oscar! (Both laugh) My second website I did for the second part of the class was on Leonardo da Vinci, who was this very fascinating character. But it didn’t have that emotional draw for me that Oscar did. (Elias laughs)
An India focus — Ken feels that he was in India training to become a priestess but did not live to finish his training. He thinks that we had a shared focus there where I may have been the priestess who was training him. My impression would be that I was actually one of the invading Mongols as opposed to being a priestess in India.
ELIAS: Correct, although you do incorporate the role of an observing essence in conjunction with the focus that he is generating impressions of.
ANONY: Regarding my Mongolian focus, was I one of the troops? Was I close to Genghis Khan? That’s another person that as a child I felt a real draw to.
ANONY: How close?
ELIAS: One of that individual’s soldiers, one that incorporates direct interaction with that individual.
ANONY: My friend Steve — did I share that Mongolian focus with him? Was he also one of the soldiers in this army?
ANONY: That’s what I thought, because he’s a total barbarian now! (Both laugh) Steve is my friend who I’ve known for like twenty years. He’s an attorney. He’s been my co-counsel, my attorney, my friend, my lover, and now I’m working for him. We go back a long ways. What is Steve’s essence name? (Pause)
ELIAS: Essence name, Francis.
ANONY: I’m fairly certain that he’s common, thought focused.
ANONY: What are his family and alignment?
ELIAS: And your impression?
ANONY: (Groans) I don’t really have an impression because I don’t pay that much attention to families and alignments, to tell you the truth. I don’t even know why I asked the question, because I don’t care! (Both laugh) It almost seems a little bit like astrology. I’m wondering whether the astrological signs, that whole belief in astrology, is a distortion of the family and alignments.
ELIAS: In what capacity?
ANONY: In other words, personally I do not think that astrology has a lot of validity. But obviously it’s an ancient belief system and it came from somewhere, and I’m wondering if that’s where it came from.
ELIAS: Ah. No, these are two different expressions. The essence families are actually not what you term to be related to beliefs concerning astrology.
Astrology is actually associated with movements that you individually and collectively generate. But you have reversed your association with it and generated this expressed mass belief that the planets move energy in association with you. In actuality, it is the reverse. You do choose to be manifest physically in specific time frameworks in alignment with those beliefs associated with astrology. This is not an accident.
ANONY: In other words, I chose to be born into the sign of Leo?
ELIAS: Correct, for there are mass expressions associated with that astrological sign and the movement of the planets and the energy of that particular association, which that is not an accident. In this, you choose to be purposefully manifesting in association with each of these astrological signs, so to speak, and generating qualities that are similar to the mass expressions.
ANONY: I’m a pretty typical Leo, according to astrology! (Both laugh)
ELIAS: This is the reason that many individuals generate strong beliefs in association with astrological signs, for they do display many of the qualities that are expressed in association with each of those signs.
ANONY: My grandmother was into astrology. When I was like ten years old she did my chart and told me all about Leos and blah, blah, blah. Obviously a lot of that was based on my belief system about how I was supposed to be as a Leo. But I actually was pretty Leo-like before anybody ever told me! (Both laugh)
Is Mata Hari one of my focuses? You’ve got to give me a famous focus, Elias! (Laughs) Everybody else has one!
ELIAS: You do incorporate famous focuses. Let me express to you, that individual is not a focus of you, but you do incorporate a focus associated with that individual.
ANONY: I’ll have to read up about her a little.
This one is for Ken. He would like to know what his connection was with Van Gogh.
ELIAS: Observing essence of Gauguin.
ANONY: I probably have run out of focuses now, unless you’re just going to tell me one of my famous focus’ names! (Elias laughs) The only impressions I’ve got were that it would be Nefertiti, Mata Hari, Genghis Khan. Those are the only ones that really pop into my mind.
ELIAS: I shall offer you an identification or a clue as to an identification of a contemporary focus, which is an overlapping focus of an individual with your essence name as the physical focus name, again, in the physical location of Romania. This is a famous focus.
ANONY: I will find her! I actually looked up my essence name on the Internet once and I did see a lot of different websites.
ELIAS: This individual is an athlete.
ANONY: You’re kidding!
ELIAS: No. (Laughs)
ANONY: It’s not the gymnast, is it?
ANONY: Her? She’s still alive?
ANONY: Oh my gosh! That is so wild, because Ken suggested that! He said, “I know that I’ve probably totally lost my mind. I want you to know that my logical mind is screaming at me that my imagination has really run amok with me this time! One of your current focuses is the famous gymnast.” He wants to know whether one of his current focuses is her husband.
ANONY: Oh my gosh! (Laughs) He said he was really stretching his imagination! When he asked me to ask about Van Gogh, he said, “If Elias says my focus was Vincent, visit me in the mental hospital!” (Both laugh) That is very interesting. Now we’re done with all the focuses.
As you know, I did end up getting sentenced to go to state prison, which was a real shocker. When I stood there in the courtroom and he said that, my ears couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Of course, I was petrified. The very first day they put you in county jail when they’re waiting to transport you, and the damnedest thing happened. I meet this woman, my first — I always call them roommates, never cellmates; my vocabulary will not allow certain words! (Elias laughs) Her last name was... You had a focus in France where your first name was Elias and your last name was...? It starts with a B.
ANONY: Yes! So the first person I meet when I walk into this county jail, her name is Lisa B., and it just clicked! (Elias chuckles) She was reading a book and said, “Oh, look at this funny name!” In the book this person’s name was a combination of our names! I thought, come on! I bet you I could read this book a year from now and that name wouldn’t be there! (Both laugh)
But I made it through. As a matter of fact, it was a fascinating experience. In many ways, it was actually a good experience. I know you know this, but I ended up at the place called the Restitution Center. It was an old hotel in Los Angeles, three stories, co-ed — the men were on one floor and the women were on another floor. We would go out and get a job, work every day, come back, order pizza, go out on weekends, get manicures, pedicures! It was totally...! (Laughs with Elias) It was not like your experience at all.
I got a couple of things from it. First thing I got is you just hold your head up and put one foot in front of the other and keep moving! (Laughs) In other words, you just walk through things. I was constantly thrown into new situations where I didn’t have a clue what was going to happen next. I’d start to be afraid, and then I would just keep walking and it was okay.
In the Restitution Center I had roommates, and I got to experience what it felt like to have sisters. That was a completely new experience for me in this particular focus because I was an only child. It was really neat having sisters, people that were my friends. We’d borrow clothes or we’d borrow money or we’d borrow cigarettes. It was just an incredible experience. (Elias chuckles)
I got to visit L.A., where I was born and raised. In fact, the very first job I got was a block from the apartment building that I last lived in when I lived in L.A. When I stood there on the corner and I looked, the building was still there and it looked exactly the same. I had the strangest feeling! (Both laugh) I’d actually kind of like to go back to Los Angeles.
I’d like to have nothing to do with law. I want to create a completely new career, which is why I’m taking computer classes. I was thinking computer programming, but I’ve taken this class called “Fundamentals of Computer Science” and it is so hard! It’s just really hard. (Elias laughs) My mind doesn’t want to wrap around it. But I’m going to take it again, because I refuse to say die on the damn thing! (Both laugh) I think designing web pages and websites might be something I’d be good at, and it’s something that is fun.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) Quite interesting, is it not, how you may alter your direction and your perception and therefore alter your reality in manners which may be quite surprising in association with the choices that you generate and that are not as absolute as you initially perceive them to be. You may generate a belief and an association with the belief that certain actions are bad and certain incorporations of directions are bad and negative, and dependent upon your perception and how you move your energy, you may generate experiences that are quite different from what you expected.
ANONY: Absolutely, yes. I never expected to actually have fun in state prison! (Both laugh) I never expected to meet nice people, either!
ANONY: The Restitution Center was wild. There were doctors, lawyers, accountants, city managers, dentists! It was just like people I knew before! (Laughs)
ANONY: It was an experience that was probably really beneficial to me.
ANONY: My friend Steve says, “You used to be such a prima donna. Now you’re not anymore!” (Laughs)
ELIAS: This has offered you an opportunity to widen your awareness and to alter your perception, which has been quite beneficial for it has allowed you to view your world in a different manner, which has also generated much more of an expression of acceptance.
ANONY: Absolutely. I sure did! I ran into situations before I got to the Restitution Center that were totally foreign to me, and I could have sat around judging 24 hours a day and exhausted myself! (Laughs and Elias chuckles) I’ve certainly become a heck of a lot more accepting of other people.
ELIAS: Which also generates much more of an acceptance of difference and a recognition much more so in the lack of difference, which has been quite a beneficial experience in association with yourself individually, in previously generating judgments in association with other individuals that do not incorporate as much difference as you perceived them to incorporate, and allowing yourself an experience to view that other individuals incorporate much less of a difference in scenarios than you expected, which has also been influencing in your acceptance of actual differences.
ANONY: When I left the Restitution Center last spring, about a year ago, I had a couple thousand bucks with me, but I didn’t have a car, I didn’t have a place to live — it was just like agh! That was an interesting experience.
So I called my parole agent — who happens to be a very nice man and I like him — and he found a room and board place. Talk about differences! The differences continued. The lady that had this place was black. The other people there, two guys, were both on Social Security disability for mental disabilities. One of them was a total burned-out druggie. The other guy was a Jehovah’s Witness who sat around and read the Bible all day.
The first week it was like, oh my god, I’m hanging out with stranger people than I was when I was in jail! (Elias laughs) But after a while, it was okay; it didn’t matter! I just wish that I had time to sit around and read all day! (Both laugh) My choice of reading material would have been different, but...!
When I’m downtown, I still run into that guy that was the druggie. He’s just so far gone; he’s in his own little world. But he’s okay, you know? I always give him a cigarette or two when I see him or bus fare or whatever. (Elias laughs)
One day I was at the parole office because you have to check in every other month or something, and I always hated going there because there were weird people there, right? (Both laugh) I walk out of there one day, and there’s this guy who’s just been there — his head is shaved, he’s got tattoos on every visible part of his body, he’s got earrings in his nose and everywhere — and we just have this nice 30-minute conversation! (Both laugh)
I still do not accept myself a hundred percent. I still feel uncomfortable in this town because everybody knows me and everybody knows what I did. I’m still uncomfortable — not anywhere near the way I was, but it’s still not... I’d like to go back to Los Angeles.
ELIAS: Which you may, if you are so choosing.
ANONY: I think I probably will. (Elias chuckles) Sonoma county’s beautiful, but I’ve actually decided to have an allergy this year, and I do not like it!
ELIAS: Ah! Interesting creation.
ANONY: Well, you know, you turn the TV on — I could have had SARS, mad cow disease, all these other things, and I settled on an allergy! (Both laugh) Our world right now is certainly polarized.
ANONY: It’s almost kind of scary. (Laughs)
ELIAS: I am understanding.
ANONY: I think our president is insane, for starters. (Laughs)
ELIAS: I may express to you that what you view within your world presently may serve as strong motivation to be genuinely examining self and generating an awareness of the type of energy that you are expressing outwardly, what beliefs are influencing you and how that influences the energy that you express outwardly, and whether you are expressing an energy that may be configured differently but is in alignment with the expressions that you do not agree with within your world.
ANONY: The energy in our world today is definitely one of emphasizing differences and wanting to change them, wanting to cram down everybody else’s throat — using the United States — our own beliefs, our own political beliefs, our own religious beliefs, like we’re right and everybody’s wrong. But we’re not content to just let it go at that; we want to change them!
ELIAS: Which is interesting imagery, for this is the automatic response of most individuals in an individual expression throughout your world.
ANONY: Oh, it is, and I find myself automatically responding that way many times. But also, many times as I find my head going, “Look at that person. Why aren’t they doing this? Nyah, nyah, nyah,” I stop.
ANONY: Most times now I stop and say you know what, who cares — or as you say, “It matters not.”
ANONY: Most of it doesn’t matter. More and more I’m seeing how things that I think are important aren’t really important. So what if you do it a half-hour later? Who cares? It doesn’t matter. (Elias chuckles) Or what if you do it tomorrow instead of today, or if you even do it next week? Or what if you don’t do it at all — so what? More and more I’m able to feel that, and it’s a great relief because it turns off that thing in my head that is criticizing and judging.
ELIAS: Correct, and also you may allow yourself to recognize your preferences and express those preferences, but recognize that they are YOUR preferences. Preferences are merely preferred beliefs.
ANONY: They are not do-or-die absolutes.
ELIAS: Correct. Therefore, other individuals incorporate different preferences and they are not absolute either, which interrupts your drive or even your motivation in attempting to change another individual’s preferences or behaviors or expressions.
ANONY: Right. I mean, what do I care if somebody likes strawberry ice cream instead of chocolate?
ANONY: That’s just a preference. Who cares?
ELIAS: What matters is that you allow yourself to express YOUR preferences but not concern yourself with the differences of other individuals.
ANONY: I found that accepting people as they are makes my life easier. One of the guys I work for, Randy, is also my landlord, and he’s the world’s worst landlord. If something breaks and I tell him, he will never fix it. What I started out doing was nagging him and getting angry all the time. I’d be walking around, having a conversation in my head, and I’ll say Randy’s this and Randy’s that. I finally stopped and said, “Wait a minute, that’s how Randy is. He’s not going to change.” So now if something breaks and needs replacing, I just do it and deduct it from my rent. That way I’m not nagging him, I’m not getting upset, and I’m not angry. It works so well! (Both laugh) That works with almost anybody, if you just accept them.
Like suppose you find an individual and no matter how accepting you may try to be, their preferences and your preferences just don’t work well together. Therefore, you may not want to have a lot of interaction with that individual.
ELIAS: Correct. But in recognizing these qualities of yourself and other individuals and recognizing your preferences and expressing an acceptance, you do offer yourself more choices, for you move your attention in different directions.
ANONY: I see that. It sure works well with Randy.
ELIAS: If you are generating expectations of other individuals, you are attempting to alter some aspect of their reality, which you may not do.
ANONY: And it’s frustrating because it doesn’t work!
ELIAS: Correct. But you also deny your own choices, for your attention is focused in a concentrated manner upon the other individual and therefore you do not allow yourself to view your own choices.
ANONY: Because you’re too busy trying to alter theirs, which you can’t do.
ANONY: I like Randy. When I was nagging him and getting pissed off about him not doing what I wanted him to do, I didn’t like him. Now I like him just fine!
I was working for him two days a week and Steve three days a week, which is kind of nice except I get up in the morning and try to remember where I’m supposed to be that day! (Elias laughs) But then Randy’s full-time secretary of long standing, Carol, died two weeks ago, and now he’s looking at me like I’m supposed to take over his law practice for him. Carol had a black belt in codependency; she did everything for him. The man doesn’t even know how much money he has in his checking account. I told him that I was not a codependent by any stretch of the imagination, so I’m not going to be like Carol.
ELIAS: Which is also significant, that you pay attention to your preferences.
ANONY: Right, not his but mine.
ANONY: I am working for him and within that context I will do his work, but I won’t go beyond that and be his mommy. (Both laugh) I don’t want to be his mommy! So actually I don’t know whether I even want to work for him full-time or not. I don’t know what’s happening.
The other guy, Steve — who I really prefer, although sometimes he’s a total jerk — is winding down his law practice because he built a gas station and he hates practicing law. One day he was in his office and he put his head down on his desk and said, “I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.” Then he looked up and said, “But I’m not willing to go to state prison to get out of it!” (Both laugh) I wouldn’t be working for him too much longer anyway, so I’d really like him to hire me to manage his gas station and say the hell with law!
ELIAS: And perhaps you shall create that.
ANONY: Maybe I shall. I think that’d be a lot more fun. (Elias laughs) Then I could still take computer classes. I’ve been taking them online, which is a great way to take classes because you don’t have to drag your body over there. (Elias laughs) I’ve been having some fun.
ELIAS: And allowing yourself to diversify, and therefore offering yourself the opportunity to genuinely experience that you do incorporate much more flexibility and much more choices than you realized previously, and that your movement is not so rigidly associated with moving in black and white directions, either/or.
ANONY: When I was at the Restitution Center, my friends and I used to laugh because you’d plan on doing something and then somehow we were always screwing up the paperwork so you didn’t get to do what you thought you were doing. So we would just say, “Okay, moving on to Plan B now!” We wouldn’t even miss a beat. We wouldn’t dwell on wanting to do Plan A; we’d just do Plan B. I really learned flexibility there, which was good.
The other thing is I don’t think I could ever really be afraid of anything again in my life after that experience. It was like Mr. Toad’s wild ride! (Elias laughs) It was; it really was. To me, it’s like I’ve walked through the valley of death and I walked out of it. I was okay and I was never harmed.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) Which also influences your perception in allowing yourself to trust yourself more.
ANONY: Oh, yes! I got myself through that one and had some fun along the way!
I’m still in touch with some of the women that I met there. As a matter of fact, a couple of them live in L.A. I may just go back and visit them. (Elias laughs)
I think our time’s almost up. One last question. We talked about Steve and I sharing a focus in Mongolia when we were both soldiers. I know we have other focuses.
ANONY: I think we’ve probably been married in at least one focus?
ANONY: And maybe he’s been my father?
ANONY: Speaking of fathers, my stepfather... Oh, we already talked about him in another session and other focuses that I may have shared with my stepfather.
ELIAS: I may express to you, with this individual that you are inquiring of, you do share many focuses.
ANONY: Which one, my stepfather or Steve?
ELIAS: The latter.
ANONY: I figured I did. We’ve been kicking around together twenty years in this focus! (Laughs and Elias chuckles) In some ways we’re very alike, and in some ways we’re very different. He doesn’t believe in you. (Laughs)
ELIAS: Which is a choice. Ha ha ha!
ANONY: Of course! He’s totally anti-religion, any kind of organized beliefs. He’s one of those “you live, you die and it’s all over” types — “we crawled out of the mud.” He keeps saying, “I was trained as a scientist.” Okay, Steve! (Both laugh) But I do enjoy him a lot of the time. Sometimes he’s a jerk and I tell him so! (Both laugh) I’m not afraid of him.
ELIAS: I may express my validation to you that you have incorporated many focuses with this individual in many different capacities, in intimate relationships of many different types, and even intimate relationships as adversaries.
ANONY: That’s not surprising. He’s a pretty wild man. As a matter of fact, that’s what people call him — the Wild Man. He’s very, very different. He’s very, very, very bright. There is a belief system that geniuses are also crazy (Elias laughs), and I think he’s very close to genius, if not genius, and he’s also crazy! (Both laugh)
He had a day a couple of weeks ago where he drove to Humboldt County for a court appearance at 8:30. It’s a four-hour drive. He drove up there in the morning, drove back, stopped by his gas station, bit into a piece of beef jerky, broke three teeth, got in his car, drove to Redding because his brother’s a dentist — that’s another four-hour drive — and drove back. The man was on the road for 16 hours in one day! He got blood all over the file that he had. The cover of the file has blood from when he broke his teeth. The guy is nuts! (Both laugh)
ELIAS: Or perhaps somewhat unorthodox.
ANONY: Very unorthodox. Extremely. When I was doing my website on Oscar, Steve became very entranced with Oscar, too — ah ha, a connection there! (Both laugh) He became very entranced. He loved the little witticisms. I have a whole page on famous sayings, and he just loved them; he thought they were hilarious. I was talking to him yesterday — he knew I was going to talk to you today — and I said something about Oscar Wilde and he said, “I liked Oscar because he was an individual. He was unconventional. I love unconventional people!” (Elias laughs)
Where was Steve in connection with Oscar Wilde? Was he the Duke, the Lord — what the heck was his name? — the one who insisted on the prosecution?
ELIAS: No. This individual incorporates a focus as the maternal grandmother.
ANONY: Oh, cool! No wonder he liked Oscar. (Both laugh)
I think our time’s just about up. Is there anything else that I should know?
ELIAS: I may express to you an acknowledgment and the suggestion that you continue in the manner that you already are.
ANONY: Thank you. I think that’s just what I’m going to do.
ELIAS: Allow yourself to continue in your playfulness, my friend.
ANONY: Thank you, I will.
ELIAS: Ha ha! One suggestion, merely — to be appreciating of yourself somewhat more so, which shall generate more of your own acceptance of yourself.
ANONY: I will do that. Thank you very much.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) You are quite welcome. I shall continue to be expressing my energy with you in encouragement, in supportiveness and in playfulness. Ha ha ha! I shall anticipate our next meeting, my friend. To you as always, in great affection, au revoir.
ANONY: Au revoir.
Elias departs at 11:39 AM.
©2006 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved
Copyright 2003 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.