Thursday, January 9, 2003 (Private/Phone)

Participants: Mary (Michael), Joanne (Gildae) and Marj (Grady)

Elias arrives at 3:21 PM. (Arrival time is 19 seconds.)

ELIAS: Good afternoon!

MARJ: Good afternoon!

JOANNE: Hello! (Elias laughs)

MARJ: It’s so good to hear your voice again.

ELIAS: And how shall we proceed this afternoon?

JOANNE: Well, I sort of wanted to go back to a little bit about what we were talking about the last time, with the relationship that I’ve created with my husband and some of the things that I noticed.

I noticed that I make things really, really uncomfortable for myself to the point where I just think okay, I want a divorce, I want out. I tell him that and then it’s really amazing how the whole dynamic of our relationship changes when I’m in this mode that the relationship is over. I give myself a whole bunch of freedom to do whatever I want to do. I just feel completely different and he’s completely different. It’s like night and day. The whole thing does a 180 when I do this.

ELIAS: I am understanding.

JOANNE: Then I get all confused because this isn’t so bad; this is actually kind of nice! I’m doing what I want, he’s being a nice person, we’re getting along better — and then I slip back into the married mode. Since everything’s going all right, maybe we should try again, not get divorced, and I create the whole thing again, the building up of the uncomfortableness. It builds and builds until I’m like, “Ugh, I want a divorce! I can’t take it anymore!” I keep doing this. It’s even gotten to the point where it’s happening at the same time of year every year, and I can feel it building again.

It was really interesting this last time to really pay attention to how everything changed on a dime. It wasn’t that we actually got divorced; it was just the way I was thinking, something I was doing inside. I know I’m just trying to show myself how I’m creating this, but it also made me look at other relationships that I had in the past when I did the same thing. I made myself so uncomfortable until I left and I gave myself the freedom that I wanted.

I guess my question is, am I doing this and will I continue to do this until I just walk out the door? Or am I doing this to show myself my beliefs about what a married relationship is? Do you sort of understand what I’m saying?

ELIAS: I am quite understanding what you are expressing. As to your first question — shall you continue to generate this to the point that you dissolve your partnership — this is your choice and this is not a question that I may necessarily be answering for you, for this is dependent upon your choices and which direction you choose to move in and what information you offer to yourself.

Now; you are offering yourself more noticing, which is offering yourself much more information concerning what YOU create. In this, there are no coincidences and there are no accidents. You are correct, you generate this type of expression in similar time frameworks in association with seasons, which is also not a coincidence, for in other time frameworks throughout your year you offer yourself more distractions, which are associated with beliefs in relation to seasons.

This particular season that you engage now, that of winter, individuals incorporate a strong mass belief that this is the time of year in which movement is slower, you are confined more, you do not incorporate as much allowance for fun, and you feel more restricted, which is a matter of perception in association with mass beliefs. As you are aware, not all individuals express these mass beliefs. There are some individuals that allow themselves quite a different perception in this particular season. But many individuals express similar associations with beliefs, as do you. Therefore, this is an interplaying factor also.

But the most significant factor is your beliefs associated with different types of relationships, friendship versus partnership. Your beliefs express different associations with these different types of relationships, and you express different allowances and different expectations of yourself in association with different expressions of relationships.

Now; in the time frameworks in which you express to your partner that you wish to dissolve your partnership, you allow yourself to pay attention to you and to express more of your freedom. You do not concern yourself with his perception and you allow yourself to continue generating a friendship with this individual. In this, you do not express expectations of him and you do not express expectations of yourself. For if you are experiencing a friendship, you are standing upon equal ground, so to speak, and you are both concerning yourselves with yourselves and not each other. Therefore, you also allow yourself a freedom to be appreciating of the other individual, for you are appreciating yourself more and the appreciation of the other individual is a natural by-product.

Now; what becomes confusing is that in this allowance of yourself and the discontinuation of expressing expectations of yourself and the other individual, you generate pleasurable or comfortable experiences for you are appreciating yourself, you are appreciating the other individual, and you are offering yourself permission to be creating what you want and to express yourself in the manner that you want. As you experience that pleasure and comfort in the appreciation of friendship without the expectations, you begin to doubt your choice, and therefore you express to your partner that perhaps you shall attempt again to be engaging the relationship of partners. But this is all that is required in association with your beliefs — and his — to instantaneously change the relationship again.

JOANNE: And it is instantaneous!

ELIAS: I am aware!

JOANNE: Seeing that last time just totally blew my mind. It was going to bed furious and waking up friends.

ELIAS: Correct.

JOANNE: Everything was okay; divorce would be fine. There were no problems. Then we could laugh and talk and I could say what I wanted. The minute we were going to try it again and stay married, it was instantaneous — he comes first, the kids come first, I can’t do this, I can’t do that.

ELIAS: Correct, for you instantaneously alter your perception associated with the other beliefs and immediately move once again into these automatic responses and discounting of yourself and generating expectations in relation to yourself and to the other individual. You allow yourself to dissipate (those) rules in the friendship. But once you incorporate the idea of the partnership, the rules are once again expressed in force. It is, in a manner of speaking, figuratively, an action of erecting an immense wall immediately. (Pause)

Now; in this, as I have stated, it is your choice in association with information that you are offering to yourself what you shall create, whether you view in this present time framework that you may incorporate the ability and allow yourself to generate the friendship and continue to be interactive with this individual and continue to incorporate the perception of friendship and incorporate the same dwelling, or whether you associate in this present now that this may be satisfactory temporarily but that you are not quite in a position with yourself that you can continue that type of expression if you continue to be occupying the same dwelling as the other individual.

Let me caution you, my friend. Examine yourself carefully, for it does not serve you to force yourself to attempt to create a particular type of relationship that you may not necessarily be ready to incorporate yet. I am not expressing to you that you do not hold the ability to create this type of action; you do. But it matters not whether you incorporate an ability or not, but whether you REALIZE that you incorporate the ability.

You incorporate the ability to levitate, but you do not express that. This is not to say that you cannot generate that action, for you can. You do incorporate that ability, but you do not realize that you incorporate that ability objectively yet. Therefore, the reality remains that you will not create that action. In similar manner, in any expression within your focus, I may express to you repeatedly what abilities you incorporate, and it matters not if you do not realize your abilities. (Pause)

This is the significance of noticing, which you are doing, and paying attention to yourself and allowing yourself to evaluate what you may express in your freedom, IN COMFORT and without conflict or trauma, and what may be overwhelming.

JOANNE: Right. I guess I’m sort of getting to the point where I realize that the relationship that I have created was working out exactly the way I believe relationships work out — marital relationships, partnerships. Even the relationships that I had in the past kind of took the same path, and I would make myself uncomfortable and leave.

So then I was just sort of thinking that because of my beliefs maybe this is just my natural flow of energy, that after a period of time of being in a quote “relationship” something inside says okay, it’s time to move on, and I make myself really uncomfortable until I give myself permission to do that, to move on. I just was thinking that maybe I’m doing this, and I’m doing it over and over again. But now I’ve added “married”; I’m not just dating. I throw the married thing on top and I’m making it virtually impossible to give myself permission to just do what I want. But if my natural way of creating is staying with a person for a certain amount of time and then wanting to move on, if that’s just me and the way I create, then maybe I should just stop beating myself up and stop forcing myself to do what I’m doing and let it just happen.

ELIAS: I am understanding what you are expressing, but let me interject and express to you, you are partially correct and partially not. You are partially correct in your assessment of allowing yourself to create naturally and not fighting with yourself or discounting yourself or forcing your energy in a different manner.

Also I may express to you that you are generating an association with past experiences in absolutes, expressing to yourself, “This is a pattern that I recognize that I have incorporated; therefore, it is absolute. It is just me, and this is the manner in which I shall continue to naturally move.” No, that is incorrect. You have generated patterns, in similar manner to many other individuals, but they are not absolutes.

They are choices and they are motivated in familiarity, for you generate a belief that you must be justifying that type of movement. If you are experiencing a lack of your own freedom in your expressions and you are wishing to express yourself differently, and you are wishing to express your desires and there is an involvement of another individual, you must justify that action. Therefore, you generate conflict and uncomfortableness to offer yourself that justification to dissolve the relationship. But it is not necessarily the relationship that is stifling.

JOANNE: It’s just me creating it, doing it.

ELIAS: Correct.

JOANNE: So even if I left the relationship, I wouldn’t necessarily stop stifling myself.

ELIAS: One moment — I am aware that my response to other individuals may have been affirmative, but in relation to YOU individually I may express “not necessarily.” For in dissolving the partnership, you may offer yourself more freedom and you may also continue in your friendship and generate a different expression, which does not fit your pattern.

Now; I am not advocating dissolving your partnership — it matters not in either direction. What is significant is what you offer to yourself in your choices. I am not expressing to you a direction to continue or discontinue. I am merely offering you information concerning your choices and the motivation of your choices.

In this, in the strength of your beliefs and your automatic responses in relation to the relationship of a partnership or a marriage, so to speak, it is not impossible for you to be changing your perception and engaging different beliefs associated with friendship — but in this present now it is also unlikely. Whereas, in not expressing the partnership, as you already have evidenced to yourself, you immediately allow yourself your freedom, and you immediately turn your attention to you and discontinue concerning yourself with the relationship itself as an entity and with the other individual.

MARJ: In other words, Elias, if she stays in the now and pays attention to what she wants and gives herself the freedom to have what she wants, these things will just fall into place?

ELIAS: Correct. But I am also expressing the recognition of the strength of the beliefs that are being expressed presently. Therefore, this generates tremendous challenge. It is not impossible, but I am recognizing of the challenge which is involved in this type of action.

In this, my friend Gildae, allow yourself not to judge yourself but merely to recognize that whatever direction you move within it is merely a choice, and one choice is not better or worse than another choice. Some choices may incorporate more of a challenge in some expressions than other choices, but this does not make them worse.

JOANNE: I guess I have seen how strong this particular belief is.

ELIAS: Correct.

JOANNE: It’s kind of like I just want it to go away. (Laughs) So I guess I’m looking for a way around it.

ELIAS: Let me also express to you that you are generating a tremendous potential in this present now in relation to your choices of interrupting this familiar pattern, for you have created a foundation in the relationship that you express with this other individual and that also incorporates a strength. It may change, but the potential that you are expressing now is not to be moving in some of the residual familiar experiences associated with this pattern that you have established. In this, if you choose to be dissolving your partnership, the potential that you express presently — which is quite strong — is to continue in your friendship, which merely, in a manner of speaking, changes your partnership — which is not an action that you have incorporated previously.

JOANNE: So with what I’m doing now, I’m creating the potential to stay friends?

ELIAS: Correct.

JOANNE: And before, I wasn’t?

ELIAS: Correct, in an intimate friendship. For you have allowed yourselves both to be knowing of each others’ energy quite well, have you not?

JOANNE: You know, it’s really funny, you’re talking and every now and then I can’t hear you. (Both laugh) Mom’s sitting here nodding her head and I’m like, “I’m not hearing anything! What am I blocking out?” (Laughs)

ELIAS: You shall, when you are ready. (Pause)

JOANNE: All right. I’m going to stop there with this because evidently I’m not ready to hear something.

ELIAS: Very well.

JOANNE: You had said something last time about automatic responses. I have noticed with my children lately — I’m having a really hard time with them, too — that what it feels like to me is whenever they talk to me it’s because they want something. They want me to do something for them or they want me to take them somewhere or get them something or do something. After you had said something about automatic responses, the other day one of them asked me to take them somewhere and the feelings that I had were unbelievable. I was so mad and so upset. This rage just came from out of nowhere, and I had to turn around and walk away from them.

At that point I noticed that that’s pretty much my reaction whenever they ask me for something, only I wasn’t paying attention to the feelings so much as automatically saying either yes or no or I’ll think about it, or just saying something to get them to stop for a minute. But I never really paid attention to that feeling inside, and I was so mad.

The only thing that I could think of in relation to that was I have really strong beliefs about wanting things and that you shouldn’t want things, if that makes any sense.

ELIAS: This is partially correct, and this is a strong association that you generate in relation to your beliefs. It is also influenced by your desire to not be incorporating the demands of other individuals. You have denied your choices for an extended time framework, and you are expressing quite loud communications to yourself in relation to acknowledging yourself and offering yourself your freedom and allowing yourself to direct you and not succumbing to the demands and the dictates of other individuals. Therefore, in any moment that any other individual requests some action from you that you be engaging, you trigger that immediate association with your own communications in not allowing other individuals to dictate to you.

JOANNE: I heard that one loud and clear. It was just that I couldn’t believe the depth. Then I thought about the fire and the explosions, and I thought, “Oh, yeah — this could make me explode!”

ELIAS: Quite! I am quite understanding. Let me express to you also, my friend, these signals and these communications merely grow louder and louder and louder. For your attention is directed now in a manner in which you are acknowledging your desire to be paying attention to you and to be expressing your freedom. Therefore, each time you deny yourself, you express a louder communication to yourself identifying that.

JOANNE: It is getting louder. It feels like it’s getting harder and harder to control myself. Before, if somebody wanted something and I believed it was something I should do, I could pretty much get myself to do it right away. But now it’s so hard to do just the everyday things that I always did without that feeling of the explosion thing, the rage.

ELIAS: I am understanding.

JOANNE: I get so angry and try to keep a lid on it and do the things I believe I have to do.

ELIAS: And the more that you generate that type of action, the stronger the signals become.

JOANNE: I guess I’m asking for permission here. (Elias laughs) When I feel that and I really don’t want to do whatever it is that someone’s asking me to do, is it okay to say, “I don’t want to do that — I’m not doing it”?

ELIAS: Yes! If you may not offer yourself your own permission, accept mine, for I offer it freely to you.

JOANNE: (Quietly) Thank you. That’s a toughie. It sort of goes together with the weight that I’ve gained over the last 15 years, since I got married. Is that a reflection or a projection of me pushing down these feelings of denying myself the things that I want?

ELIAS: Yes, and discounting yourself and therefore projecting an image of yourself that reflects how you associate with yourself and devaluing yourself, for it is an image that you do not like.

JOANNE: I had sort of thought about diet and exercise, and I hate that because that immediately falls into an “I have to” category and I want to turn away from that. But then I started to think about appreciating myself and of a method to begin appreciating myself. Although it feels like I “have to” with exercise, if I begin doing that and try to keep my attention on doing this — even though I don’t like it, I’m doing it — to begin appreciating myself, to show myself in an objective manner that I appreciate me, my body, who I am. I don’t know if I’m expressing this...

ELIAS: I am understanding. I shall offer you a suggestion that shall incorporate both without effort and without the perception of work.

Allow yourself to incorporate a walk, a time framework in which you may be experiencing aloneness with yourself, a time framework in which you may appreciate yourself. You may observe your environment. You may be incorporating a walk through town and viewing your shops. You may incorporate a walk through your countryside and appreciate the landscape. Appreciate your time with you, allowing yourself to express yourself in whatever manner you choose, but incorporating the movement of walking.

JOANNE: Whenever I thought about anything that has to do with me, like getting my hair done or clothes shopping, I always come up with this automatic response of I don’t feel like it, I’m too tired. I realized that to begin appreciating myself and feeling my own sense of self—worth I was going to have to force myself to do that, otherwise I would just keep saying I’m too tired to do it.

ELIAS: Not necessarily. You may not necessarily incorporate any particular destination or any particular outcome or any particular action that you view as an outward expression of appreciation of yourself, but merely an incorporation of time with your own presence.

JOANNE: Okay, I think I see a glimmer of the difference between them.

ELIAS: Incorporating walking and paying attention to yourself and allowing yourself to move in whatever direction you choose expresses no preconceived destination and no intentional action that you must be forcing your energy to accomplish to express your appreciation of yourself — which in actuality you do not accomplish, for it is a false accomplishment anyway. For you may be incorporating your salon, engaging a new style for your hair, and momentarily it may seem pleasurable, but it is not a genuine appreciation of yourself. It is an attempt to be expressing some outward manifestation that SHOULD be appreciative of yourself, but the underlying is not.

Whereas, if you are not offering yourself any preconceived destination or action of accomplishment and merely allowing yourself to walk and be present with yourself, you offer yourself the freedom to move in whichever direction you choose. You may incorporate one direction and in the midst of that direction choose to alter it, and this is acceptable also. It is a matter of freedom and allowing yourself to appreciate the time framework in which you are incorporating a presence with you. (Pause)

JOANNE: It feels really sad to say, but I have no idea how to do that — but I’ll figure it out. (Both laugh)

ELIAS: Merely point yourself in a direction and move your feet! (Laughs)

JOANNE: It’s funny. I’m not even the kind of person that could just get in the car and go for a ride. I have to go somewhere and have a destination.

ELIAS: I am understanding.

JOANNE: I guess I have to learn how to just do it without a destination or a goal, just what I feel like.

ELIAS: Experiment — you may be incorporating fun. There is a generation of great pleasure in simple movements. (25-second pause)

MARJ: Why does it keep breaking up, Elias? We lose your voice.

ELIAS: This is associated with the energy that Gildae is projecting. I may assure you that your interaction is being incorporated with your recording quite clearly.

JOANNE: I’m still doing this, right?

ELIAS: Yes.

JOANNE: That’s what I kind of figured! (Elias laughs)

MARJ: She wants your answers but she doesn’t want to listen! (Laughing)

ELIAS: Let me express to you once again, there are no accidents. You are allowing yourself to be engaging conversation with myself, for you are responding objectively to a genuine desire that you incorporate now; but you also are experiencing challenge, and in that challenge your expression of timing is not insignificant. For you are generating two actions simultaneously — an acknowledgment of your desire but also a recognition that within this timing you are not expressing quite the readiness to be experiencing exposure, which is quite understandable.

JOANNE: What am I so afraid of? (Slight pause) Oh, a long silence on that one! (Laughs)

MARJ: Everything, right? (Laughs)

ELIAS: There is more than one expression that may be interplaying in that response! (All laugh) Mainly, the unfamiliarity of your own power and your own freedom. But also in the expression of your freedom, you also express vulnerability and exposure, and these expressions are quite frightening at times.

JOANNE: I know I have that fear of exposure.

ELIAS: As do many individuals.

JOANNE: Is that sort of like I hold you at a distance?

ELIAS: At times, yes.

JOANNE: I kind of thought so. I know initially I was really afraid of all the feelings that I had. I just didn’t have any clue what to do with them.

ELIAS: Your desire is great, but your apprehension of being exposed is strong also.

JOANNE: Is there any potential for that changing?

ELIAS: Yes, for you are generating movement in that direction now. Were you not, you would not be engaging this conversation this afternoon.

JOANNE: Something else I had noticed — a lot of times I think I’ve just had enough of being here. I just feel like I’m ready to move on, to just get out of here, this physical dimension or whatever. I noticed whenever I start thinking like that, Jim walks around talking about dying. I know once before we had talked about the fact that he had a probability for disengaging. Now I’m wondering if the reflection that I hear him saying, it’s just because I’m thinking it and I’m projecting that.

ELIAS: Correct.

JOANNE: That’s what that is?

ELIAS: Yes.

JOANNE: Before, I used to immediately go to this oh-my-god-he’s-gonna-disengage thing because of the way he was talking. But now when I hear him saying that, it’s really just a reflection of what I’m thinking and projecting.

ELIAS: Correct, and you engage many similar expressions.

JOANNE: This is Jim and I?

ELIAS: Yes. You generate that feeling, so to speak, in time frameworks in which you are overwhelming yourself with frustration and not viewing your choices, and he generates a very similar expression.

JOANNE: I had a dream. I don’t even remember at this point what the dream was about, I just remember the name Mac, M-A-C, and maybe an S. I was wondering who that was. It seemed very important at the time. I haven’t been able to figure anything out other than maybe it was another aspect or it was a name I gave to myself in the dream.

ELIAS: A future focus, which if you are so choosing you may be engaging that focus and offering yourself some supportiveness in your present direction.

JOANNE: Does he have red hair and green eyes?

ELIAS: Yes.

JOANNE: I had this one dream and suddenly this person was in front of me and said, “You don’t recognize me when you’re awake,” which immediately made me stop and think in the middle of the dream, now wait a minute, I think I’m asleep, I’m not awake. (Elias laughs) Was it just to show me that I wasn’t paying attention in the dream? I don’t know what that was.

ELIAS: It is the same individual! (Laughs)

JOANNE: Oh, it was Macs! “You don’t know me when you’re awake!” (Elias laughs) So I recognize him when I’m asleep, when I’m not aware?

ELIAS: You are aware; you are merely not engaging your waking state.

JOANNE: It just sort of ended the whole dream right at that point, like what do you mean I don’t know you when I’m awake? I’m asleep! (Elias laughs)

I have a lot of dreams, or I had a lot of dreams, where people were asking me who I was or they were asking me if I knew who I was, and sometimes I ask them if they know who I am. In one particular dream someone kept asking me “who are you now?” and I said, “Grace.” They were like no, that was something else. Who are you now? And I just kept laughing and saying, “Grace!” No other name came to me. I thought it was funny that they kept asking me who I was and I kept saying Grace.

ELIAS: This is not associated with another focus. This is associated with this focus and imagery that you present to yourself in association with your camouflage of yourself and continuing to question yourself as to who you genuinely are now. For you have efficiently camouflaged yourself for an extended time framework in relation to what you believe you are supposed to be rather than who you actually are.

JOANNE: So I believe I’m supposed to be Grace but I’m really not?

ELIAS: This is merely another name to emphasize imagery to yourself to emphasize the imagery of camouflage, that you project yourself to be an individual that you are not. (Pause)

MARJ: That’s that same exposure and vulnerability thing?

ELIAS: There is an association with that also. It is also associated with expectations of what you should be.

JOANNE: Am I ever going to figure this out?

ELIAS: Yes! (Chuckles)

JOANNE: Lately I’ve been saying don’t worry about it. If you don’t get it here, you’ll figure it out somewhere else.

ELIAS: (Laughs) You are offering yourself much information. Allow yourself to assimilate.

JOANNE: Is there anything else you can think of that might sort of help me do that?

ELIAS: Continue paying attention to you, my friend, and acknowledge yourself and perhaps attempt to be incorporating these walks. You may surprise yourself.

JOANNE: Even though I have this fear of exposure where you’re concerned, would you still sort of hang around anyway?

ELIAS: As I do always! (Laughs) It matters not. I continue to express my energy to you whether you express an openness or not. Therefore, it is always available to you.

JOANNE: Thank you.

MARJ: If you send her that beautiful blue blanket of love right now, would she accept and feel that, or would she shut herself off from it, Elias?

ELIAS: It is a choice. It is offered freely and is being expressed presently in complete acceptance and appreciation.

JOANNE: Thank you.

ELIAS: You are very welcome, my friend.

JOANNE: I really appreciate that. I know I do miss feeling your energy around and stuff. I just hope I’ll get to the point where I won’t be so afraid.

ELIAS: And so you shall. I shall be anticipating our next meeting and our objective interaction in physical proximity.

MARJ: Oh, wonderful!

JOANNE: Will you have a green beer with us?

ELIAS: (Laughs) I accept the invitation!

MARJ: Wonderful! Thank you, Elias.

ELIAS: You are quite welcome. I continue to offer my supportiveness. Remember, incorporate playfulness; you may amaze yourself. To you both in tremendous affection and friendship, au revoir.

MARJ: Au revoir, Elias.

JOANNE: Bye—bye.

Elias departs at 4:28 PM.

©2005 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved

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Copyright 2003 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.