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Friday, March 15, 2013 (Addendum to Religious Wave Open Session)

Participants: Mary (Michael) and Rodney (Zacharie)

RODNEY: This is Rodney. During the break, between the first and second half of the Religious Session, Mary said she had a perfect example of what Elias was talking about, after I explained to her the highlights of the first half, and she said, “I will share that with you, and you can make it available to whoever’s interested.”

After we recorded that sharing, I asked if we could make it an addendum to this session, and she agreed. So here is Mary’s experience, which really illustrates a lot of what Elias is talking about.

MARY: I’ll tell you what my experience has been this past however many months, since September, which is the reason that I said to you earlier that it feels like, without knowing it, I have been preparing for this wave to come, without even knowing it, because the whole thing was about what I was paying attention to and realizing that I was paying attention to all the wrong things.

So, and also, getting some insights into things that Elias has been saying for years and years and years, that I thought I kind of understood, but didn’t really understand it, didn’t really get it.

One of the things that he has talked about forever is about how you draw things to yourself. I don’t think I really ever understood what that means—what it means to draw something to yourself. I don’t think I got it. I think I get it now.

So in September, Donnalie lost her license. At the time, she was still living in New Hampshire, where we had the Group Session. So I made the choice to be, like, the designated driver, which meant taking her to work, picking Allison up from school. While they were in New Hampshire, I didn’t have to drive Allison to school in the morning because she could take the bus, but she couldn’t take the bus after school, so I would have to drive out there and pick her up from school and bring her home or bring her to her dad and go out there and pick up Donnalie and take her to work and whatever.

Now; from the very beginning, I didn’t have a problem with that choice. I was okay making that choice to be the designated driver. Very soon after that began, I started to have a problem with what I was defining as the fallout from that choice, not that I had a problem with the driving, but that I was having a problem with other things that were being affected because of the driving. The biggest thing was my schedule—my work schedule—that it was putting me in a position where I perceived that my time was really cut short; I didn’t have enough time to do as many sessions. It was really messing with my head a lot.

And as time went on, she moved here: back to Vermont. Okay, well, then she decided not to take Allison out of the school that she’s in because she said that she broke up with Brian; she moved. She thought it would be too much for Allison if she moved her into a new school too—that that would send her over the edge. I kind of agreed with that knowing Alli, and so I understood. So, once again, my choice to be driving was not an issue. But once she moved here to Vermont, now I’m driving her in the morning and picking her up in the afternoon. So now it’s really starting to interfere with my schedule and add on top of that: now it’s winter, because Donnalie moved in the beginning of December.

Well, winter, okay, we live in the northeast where it snows, and that means that the schools either have snow days, where the kids don’t go to school, which means that I’ve got her all day, or they have—which is more annoying—they have delays: they have a one-hour delay, or a two-hour delay, or a three-hour delay, which means you don’t bring them to school at 8:30 a.m., when they normally go, you bring them at 9:30 a.m., or 10:30 a.m., or 11:30 a.m., which really messes up my schedule.

So I’m, like, fighting with this like crazy—months and months. December comes. Donnalie’s supposed to, you know, she goes to the court; she thinks she’s going to get her license back. The judge denies it. January comes. She goes to the court; judge denies it. February comes. She goes to the court; judge denies it. So here I am, still doing all the driving, and it’s not just school; it’s I’ve got to drive Donnalie all over the place too. But I’m very focused on how this is affecting my work schedule, and in addition to my work schedule, I’m thinking it’s more affecting other things that, you know, there are other things I want to do—other projects—and things like that, and I don’t have time to do them and that I can only do one session a day.

In the middle of all of that, as most people are aware now, since last October, I took over the whole house...

RODNEY: This house?

MARY: This house. And so my bills went up, but my schedule went down. (Laughs) So my head is telling me, first of all, okay, my output of money is going up, but my income is going down; this is not good. So now, I’ve really got this in my head that I need to work more, and I’m in this position: I can’t. Then I really start making myself crazy and thinking about it like crazy, and it’s fascinating how much time thinking can take up when you’re doing nothing; you’re just thinking.

But, so I’m thinking about this like crazy. I finally get to a point where I decide, “Oh, I get up really early in the morning, so maybe I could put in some of my European clients at 6:00 a.m., and be done by 7:30 a.m., when I have to leave to go pick her up for school.” I’m like, okay, so maybe that’s a solution to my problem.

I started to implement that, but it didn’t make me feel like I found the answer. I mean, it took a little bit of pressure off, but not that much, and I was still irritated and frustrated. I can’t even tell you how frustrated I was. And this is something that I’m thinking about on a daily basis and fighting with every single day, which you can imagine the fallout from that—the ripples of that—is that, over time, my interaction with Donnalie, my daughter, is going downhill. It’s taking a south turn because she feels guilty; she’s watching me and feeling like this is all her fault, and I’m miserable, and in her perception, I’m angry. My granddaughter is none too happy either, so she’s clamming up and not talking to me. So that’s pleasant: where I’m having to drive her to school and back every day—which is a 20-minute trip—and it’s silence because she doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t blame her, but it’s like all of it is not good.

So I’m on the phone with one of my clients, and he says he’s had this epiphany, and he’d like to share it with me; so he does. Me, being as thick as I am sometimes—like a brick—he had to explain it to me like four times before I got it, but basically what he said was, “If you keep going in the same direction, you keep doing the same things, even if you don’t want to do that, or you don’t think you do, or you’re uncomfortable, or whatever, if you keep going in the same direction, and you keep doing the same things, there must be something important about what you’re doing, or you wouldn’t keep doing it.” And he said, “I’m not saying that there’s something that you want to do in there; I’m just saying there’s something important in there that you’re not seeing.”

Okay, I didn’t get it. He repeated it four times; I wasn’t getting it. All of the sudden, the light bulb went on, and I said, “Wait a minute. Wait a minute.” I said, “Let me recount my situation, and you can tell me if I’ve got it, because I think I do.” I said, “So I’ve been driving since September. I’ve been really frustrated and irritated this whole time.” I said, “And the reason that I’m so frustrated and irritated is because it’s next to impossible for me to do more than one session a day.” I said, “Now if I’m thinking about what you said, what the important piece is there is that you take out the driving piece because I’m not bothered by that choice.” I said, “Okay, so that leaves the work piece.” I go, “How fascinating.” I said, “I have been saying for a year-and-a-half that I want to get to a point where I’m only doing one session a day.” I said, “I never make that happen. I can’t seem to get to that position where I make that happen.” I said, “And how brilliant I pulled my daughter’s situation to me to use it to put myself in a position where I’m only doing one session a day, and I didn’t do it for just a couple of weeks, because then I’d go back to doing what I was doing before. I did it in a way that I pulled a situation to myself to use it that was going to be ongoing to give myself a chance to get used to it and also to see, to show myself, that I can make it just fine doing that.” I said, “And retard that I am, have been fighting it every single day.” I go, “I have been exactly putting myself in the place I want to be; that I’ve been saying for a year-and-a-half, this is what I want.”

RODNEY: This is exactly what Elias is talking about in the second session.

MARY: I’m like, exactly what I wanted to do, exactly the position that I wanted to be in, I put myself right there.

RODNEY: You were, in Elias’ terms, of what the second half was about, you were being eminently successful and not acknowledging it.

MARY: I didn’t even see it.

RODNEY: You didn’t even see it. Well, that’s part of it.

MARY: I didn’t even see it. RODNEY: That’s why you don’t know what to do.

MARY: I was fighting with it the whole time. In the retarded terms, I’m doing exactly what I want to do, and I’m telling myself, “No, I don’t want to do this. I want to go in the direction that I don’t want to do. I have to do what I don’t want to do because I have to keep doing more.” I’m like, “That is so stupid; I can’t even believe it.”

RODNEY: You know, it’s moments like this, where I’m beginning to see that there is less and less separation between you and Elias. (Mary laughs) I swear.

MARY: Well, that’s kinda good.

RODNEY: I know you don’t listen to the sessions.

MARY: No.

RODNEY: So how do you...

MARY: That is kinda good. (Laughs)

RODNEY: How do you do that? What you just said is an exact...

MARY: Yeah, but a month ago, I wouldn’t have been saying that.

RODNEY: Well...(Mary laughs) Well, all right, all right. You’re right...

MARY: A month ago, I was bitching (Rodney laughs) and complaining and whining a lot.

RODNEY: The example that you give...

MARY: Whining a lot.

RODNEY: The example that you just gave is almost verbatim, an exact same...

MARY: That’s why I wanted to share it with you, because it didn’t occur to me until last week when he announced this wave, and then he started giving little bits and pieces to people about what it was about, then it occurred to me, and that’s why I said, “I must have been preparing for this for the last six months,” because that’s exactly what I’ve been doing: paying attention to the wrong things. (Rodney laughs) And now, all of the sudden, the difference is incredible. In one day, it all changed. I couldn’t believe how fast everything changed.

RODNEY: Really?

MARY: Donnalie called me the day after and said she was really upset and said, “Oh, God, I went to the court this morning. I hate to make this phone call to you, Mom, but the judge denied it again, and I don’t know when I’m going to get my license back, and I’m so sorry, and I just can believe I have to tell you this, and da, da, da.” And I said, “It’s fine.” She was, like, “Mom, stop it, okay?” She was, like, “Please just...why don’t you just...can’t we get over this and just get it done with?” And I said, “What?” And she said, “Just get mad, okay? I know you’re angry; you’re in denial, and you refuse to go in this direction with me. Just scream at me, because I know it’s my fault, and you’re frustrated, and you’re angry.” And I said, “No, I’m not.” I said, “I am not angry at all.” I said, “Yes, I’ve been frustrated and even irritated for months.” I go, “None of it has been at you.” I said, “I’ve been frustrated and irritated at myself because I can’t figure this out, and I don’t know what I’m doing.” I said, “But I finally figured it out.” I said, “It finally makes sense,” I said, “and actually I’m not angry at you at all.” I said, “And none of this has anything to do with you; it has to do with me.” I said, “If there’s any piece of it that has to do with you, I should be thanking you right now,” I go, “because...because of all your choices that you think were bad choices, I ended up in the exact position that I want to be in,” I said, “so I should say thank you to you,” I said, “because I’m actually doing what I want to be doing.”

RODNEY: Now did she...did she get it?

MARY: She did.

RODNEY: Wow! That’s great! (Laughs)

MARY: She did, and I said, “So you can stop trying to make me mad at you, and you can stop feeling guilty.” (Rodney laughs) I said, “We can just move on now,” I said, “because I’m not mad at you...”

RODNEY: Wow.

MARY: “...and there’s no reason for you to feel guilty,” I go, “and,” I said, “and I realize that, you know, everything isn’t gonna change overnight.” I said, “It’s gonna take me a while,” I said, “and since I didn’t use the time since September till now to get used to this, because I’ve been too busy fighting with it, I will use the time from now until June (Laughs) to get used to it.” I said, “And I’m sure that, you know, it’s not just gonna be, from this minute on, I’m only gonna do just one session a day.” I go, “It’s not going to work that way; it’s an adjustment period.” I said, “But now I know what direction I’m going in.” I said, “And I know what it’s about,” I go, “and I can stop fighting with it,” I said, “and actually I feel pretty good about it.” I go, “Actually, beyond feeling good about it, I think it’s pretty brilliant how it all worked together, and I didn’t even know it.” I’m like, “it all...” I said, “It’s amazing to me how powerful our own intentions are...”

RODNEY: Wow.

MARY: “...and that we make them happen even when we aren’t paying attention to it. Even if we don’t see it, we’re still making it happen.” I’m like, “That is brilliant to me.”

RODNEY: And what is fascinating me is the Session I just heard (Mary laughs), and what you’re telling me, what you’re sharing: the fact that, when we’re frustrated—which is another word for “problem”—when we’re focusing on the frustration, we’re focusing on the problem, and we’re thinking about the problem.

MARY: Right.

RODNEY: This holds us to the problem.

MARY: Yep.

RODNEY: It holds us there, and until we stop and ask ourselves, “How is this benefiting me?” that’s a crucial question.

MARY: Oh, I think so.

RODNEY: How is my action benefiting me? And you got to that...

MARY: Or where is that important piece? What is the important piece in here?

RODNEY: Well, that’s another way of saying, “How are you benefiting?”

MARY: Yeah.

RODNEY: And you got there through a conversation with one of your clients.

MARY: Yep.

RODNEY: And that is so verbatim—the illustration that he gave here.

MARY: It was...it was genuinely amazing to me, and my energy changed in one day, and my perception of the whole situation changed in one day, which was fascinating, because for all those months, I kept saying, “I have no time. I have no time. I have no time. I can’t do anything I want to do because I have no time to do anything.” (Rodney laughs) And I had no time. And when all of this...when I realized what was actually going on, all of the sudden, I got all of this time. It’s like, “Oh, I can take the kid to school.” I come home; I do a session. I have all this time in between that I can do other things. Then I go pick her up and keep her until her dad comes and gets her, and it’s fine. And I’ve got all this time now. I’m like...And somebody asked me the other day, you know, “What do you mean you’re spending all this time thinking and doing nothing?” I said, “Okay, it’s not literally doing nothing, but it’s...but, basically, it is doing nothing.” I said, “How I was using up time,” I said, “thinking? I would come home from picking...or taking Allison to school; I would probably do a session. After that session, have lunch, plop myself down on the couch and start crocheting and thinking, thinking about how to fix this problem of not having enough time, (Rodney laughs) thinking about how to put other sessions in, thinking about when can I work on the projects that I’ve got that I want to work on. I’m sitting here not doing those projects (Rodney laughs), just thinking about them.”

RODNEY: I get it. It get it.

MARY: I’m like, “I could sit here for two hours and crochet and think about how I really want to build those shelves in the basement, and, God, I have no time to build those shelves in the basement. When am I going to figure out...what day can I do that on that I don’t have this or that going on? When can I squeeze that in? I’m using up all this time that I could have been downstairs in the basement building those shelves.” No, I was sitting here thinking about building the shelves (Rodney laughs) and not doing it. I’m like, “That’s how you eat up time not doing and thinking about not doing, and,” I said, “it eats up time like crazy.” I said, “Now all of the sudden, I’m not thinking about anything. I got all this time. I’m, like, repotting all of my orchids. I’m, like, building this shelf for Donnalie. I’m doing this. I’m doing that. I’m, like, I’ve got plenty of time, and whatever strikes me in that day, that’s what I do. I’m, like, and I’m not thinking about anything. I’m, like, it just doesn’t matter.”

RODNEY: This is a fascinating story. (Mary laughs) It really is, and it belongs with this session.

MARY: Cool.

RODNEY: Okay? (Mary laughs) So if...if you’re agreeable...

MARY: Sure.

RODNEY: I’ll post the two together.

MARY: Okay.

RODNEY: All right?

MARY: Yeah.

RODNEY: And you’ve got...it will get transcribed together.

MARY: Yeah.

RODNEY: Okay.

MARY: Signing off now.

Copyright 2013 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.