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Talk Delivered by Mary Ennis at the Castaic Group Session

Sunday, January 21, 2001

MARY: Well, here we are! (Laughing) This is an unusual experience for me, because I've never really done this before without it being a prelude to the dead guy talking. So this is kind of weird! But I did choose a direction to go in; I think what I'm going to do is relate some of my experiences that I have had in the last few months, and tell you what I've come up with, and then maybe we can talk about it.

I have been in a relationship with someone for three years now, and a couple of months ago we separated. That experience was really difficult for me. I really, really value my relationship with this person. I love this person very much. I'm extremely close to this person, and I was really devastated when this happened.

The process that I went through in relation to that event was really interesting. I think it can relate to a lot of different situations, not just relationships. It's an easy example that probably everybody can relate to and understand.

When this first happened, my partner had an affair with someone else. I was just trashed, and I went in the usual direction that everybody goes in. Do not think for a minute that just because I do what I do that I'm immune to doing the same things that everybody else does, because I do. I went into the pissed-off angry thing, and blaming and feeling very hurt and being very accusing. At one point I went into real bitch/witch mode, and was ranting and raving, and "you don't even want to be around me, because I am hateful and evil right now, and all I want to do is kill you!" (Laughter)

I went from that into a worse place, in my thinking, which was going into the "bash self mode." I stayed in that mode for a good long time. In fact, I didn't think I was going to come out of that mode. I was digging my way to China and not giving myself ANY place to grab hold and pull myself up. I went in the direction of what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Why doesn't this person love me? Oh my god, how could this happen! And I cried for a month, and I'm sure nobody wanted to be around me during that whole month. It was pretty awful.

During that time, things were very, very strained between my partner and me. We didn't have a whole lot of contact, and we didn't talk very much. It was just a generally nasty situation. For part of that time, she was still at home. We live in a big three-story house in Vermont and have the first floor and half of the second floor; we occupy half of this house.

In the beginning when I first found out about this, mixed in with the "I hate you, this is awful!" and whatever, I was bouncing back and forth with, "Try to be accepting, Mary. It doesn't matter." (Laughter) Well, the accepting thing went right out the window, and I finally realized that that was NOT where I was, and why would I keep trying to push myself into being that when I wasn't that?

So, we decided to separate. But the way that we separated was a little different. We decided to separate our apartment by floors. I took the first floor, and she moved up to the second floor, but we were still in the same house.

I had talked to my friends, and nothing that they said was going in, nothing was helpful. It was just the most awful thing being there. When I was at the lowest, most awful, gross place that I could be in, I thought, "Well, maybe I should read some of the material, go over it, and maybe Elias will have something for me." And there was nothing. Great! (Laughter) This is just great! Here I am, almost six years into this, and I can't figure out what to DO with myself! I can't seem to relate to this material, and I don't know what I'm doing! Oh my god, I've got to do something!

So I tried to distract myself. That didn't work because I was with ME however I tried to distract myself! (Laughter) I tried not having any more contact with my partner. Well, that didn't work because she's present with me all the time anyway! I thought, "Well, maybe I should paint, and that will get me in another zone." But I knew that I really needed to somehow process through this, and painting puts me in another zone somewhere. I don't think when I paint.

I decided that the most efficient way for me - just me - to really spend some time with myself was to do something physical that didn't require any thinking and that would allow me to think.

Part of this also has something to do with my soft orientation. There's a lot of movement going on all the time; not necessarily thoughts inside of me, but there's a lot of stuff moving around all the time that creates a clutter. In order to give myself some sort of clarity when I need to, it's helpful for me to tune out some of it, or at least make it be quiet. A lot of times, making that subjective part quiet by concentrating on something objectively is helpful in not getting myself confused.

So I decided to make those little figures out of clay that probably most of you have seen over at Vicki's house. That required absolutely no thought on my part because I can do things like that with my hands, just be very visual, and I don't have to think about it.

While I was doing this project, I started to really think about some of the things that Elias has said, and I was thinking about them in a very different way. I started to think about him talking to all of you about how other people don't do things to you. Other people don't MAKE you feel what you feel. Emotion is not a reaction; it's a communication. You create everything in your reality, and everything that you face yourself with, every other person that you encounter, everything you do, is all your own perception.

And I started to think, what does all that mean? What IS my perception? What is it, a thing? If my emotions are a communication, what does THAT mean? What does it mean that other people don't do things to me, or that I don't feel things because of other people? Of course I feel things because of other people, because other people are doing things! How does that work?

I really, really started to think about it, and I started to ask myself different kinds of questions. I went in a direction at first of asking myself the same kinds of questions that we all ask all the time: what is the belief system that's influencing me right now? What am I dealing with? What issue am I hanging on to? I discovered that those kinds of questions are easy to answer, because for the most part, most of us at this point have become accustomed to asking those questions. They're very familiar, and they're easy to answer. I can immediately know I'm grappling with beliefs about relationships, about loyalty, about how people treat each other, about commitment, about monogamy, or this or that or whatever. That's easy! But then I thought, "SO?" (Laughter) "Where do I go with that? What do I DO with that? I've identified all those things and what does that mean?" It doesn't mean anything. It's flat; it's just nowhere.

If another person doesn't DO anything to me, if another person doesn't make me feel what I'm feeling, then where does this come from inside of me? What is it that I'm doing? That is an interesting question, because I don't think I've ever really asked myself those kinds of questions, not genuinely and really looking into myself and trying to discover what actually is going on and realizing that all these floods of feelings that I was having - and that kept happening - weren't happening because I was reacting to something. They weren't happening because of any of my partner's choices. Something was happening inside of me, and I was trying to tell myself something about what I was actually doing - not necessarily about what I was thinking, but what I was DOING.

As I kept asking myself these different kinds of questions, I was very surprised that I started getting some real different answers. I started getting answers, period. I discovered that for me, personally - and I think for probably for most people - when I think about myself and creating my reality, I pretty much can give myself permission to create whatever I want as long as it's just me. As long as I'm the only one involved, there's no limit, and I can create ANYTHING I want to create.

Then again, when it comes to me and any other person in the world, I had this concept inside of me that there's a line between where I create some things and they create some things. Dependent upon what they choose to create, sometimes that tells me what I can and can't create.

I have heard Elias say for a very long time that other people's choices don't dictate your choices. I never really understood that, but I thought I did. On a surface level, I really thought I did. When somebody says something, you don't have to do it, or if somebody wants to do this over here, you don't have to agree. I wasn't letting other people dictate to ME what my choices were. I always make my own choices. And I discovered that that was a big "NOT!" In a relationship, if my partner chooses to be spending time and creating a relationship with someone else, without any thought involved I automatically tell myself, "Now I can't have what I want because this person chose something else, and that's making my choice for me. I can't make my own choices anymore."

That was a profound discovery for me, because that brought me to questioning how I really view creating my reality. Do I really create all of my reality? Do I let myself create all of my reality? Where are the places where I tell myself I can't? Where are the places that I tell myself I'm not allowed, I can't do this, or it's just impossible?

I thought about that a lot. I started to ask myself, why can't I have what I want? So I went back up to my little surface area and said, "Well, because you just can't, Mary. When somebody else is choosing something else, you can't have that because this person is not going there anymore. What is it you want?" And I wanted to have a relationship with this person. I wanted to continue to interact with this person the way that I have for the last three years. I want to love this person. I want this person to love me. I wanted things to continue in the type of relationship that I had.

So I decided to test out this perception stuff, this stuff about it's all about me, it's all about what I create, and it doesn't matter what other people create. I thought about it, and I wondered how much of my relationship with people is really just my perception? How much of my relationship with anybody is what I think of as an actual participation between the two of us? Even if we are participating, how much of THAT is my perception of it?

How many times have I gone out to dinner, come home and talked about the experience there with the waitress or whatever, and the person I'm talking to says, "That's not what happened!" (Laughter) "The waitress didn't do that. Where were you, on another planet?" And I say, "Excuse me, that IS what happened! Where were you?" Well, we were both in the same place, and we were both in the same experience, but we were both creating it our own selves through our own perceptions and in our own realities.

I can be sitting in a room with someone talking to them, the person physically gets up and walks out of the room, and my perception is that they're still listening to me. (Laughter) I've thought about THAT one, and think it must a cosmic joke with all the essences around. They look down at us and say, "Stupie down there! The person just walked out of the room, and they're not paying attention to you!" And I'll follow the person out of the room, completely believing that they have heard every word I've said and are totally paying attention. I might talk to them the next day, and they'll say, "Did we talk about that? Oh, I don't remember that at all." And what would have been my first clue - that the person walked out of the room? I don't go there. And a lot of us don't go there, because it is all about our own perception of things.

This is a tremendously powerful tool. It is a very powerful realization when you really genuinely start to understand that it IS all about me, I really am the center of the universe, and everything comes from me! It's all about me! Every single one of you here is one of my creations! (Laughing) And it's all about YOU, because every single one of us is the center of the universe. Everything in our universe we create. That was incredibly powerful, but it was still just a concept.

I thought maybe I should test this out. I could see that I was creating exactly what I believed. I was creating exactly what I expected. I was allowing someone else to dictate to me what my choices may or may not be. I was allowing somebody else to make my choices, and that told me that I can't have what I want, and I'm not getting what I want. I was creating exactly what I believed and exactly what I expected.

So I turned it around to see if I could do it another way. That's scary, because we really DO have a perception about other people, that we aren't really creating all of our reality because the other people are creating their reality. I decided I was going to test it out; I was going to experiment in real life. Not just in my head, not just in thoughts and concepts and bounce them around, but I was really going to test it out and see what happens.

My partner stopped in one evening after work just to check in and see how I was doing because I was so mopey. I'd usually just wave her off and say, "I'm crying, go away!" (Laughter) "You can't fix it. Part of me hates you anyway, so..." This was one of those evenings when she stopped in, expecting me to be crying again, and I wasn't. I walked up to her, and I said, "I'm going to tell you this because I need to hear myself say it out loud to solidify this inside of me, that I'm actually going to do it. I'm creating my own reality. I'm going to have what I want, and it doesn't matter what you do or what you choose, I'm doing it anyway." (Clapping and laughter) That's not so easy! She just kind of shook her head at me and said, "Whatever. You've really lost it now, haven't you? Okay, Mary, whatever." I said, "I just wanted to tell you that, so be prepared."

Since that day, I have had to practice every day, and I have had big slips here and there. But the interesting thing is that it really does work. I gave myself permission to have what I want, and I do. She's still living upstairs, but she might as well be downstairs, too, because we're always in the same space. We have a deeper friendship now than when we were quote/unquote "partners." She's still seeing this other person, which is fine because it doesn't have anything to do with me. It's not one of my choices. It's one of her choices, and it doesn't have anything to do with me because it's not in my reality! (Laughing) But SHE is in my reality and continues to be, and we continue to have the same type of relationship that we have had for the last three years, and it's great.

We have perks with it now because we don't have conflict. We don't fight with each other. We're not in competition with each other, and we are allowing each other to just choose what each of us wants to choose without holding onto the other person. I think that she is creating something very similar to what I am creating. For me, it's become much easier interacting with her because I'm no longer worried about what she's doing, and my attention is no longer on her.

It sounds kind of weird, because how can you keep your attention on you and interact with someone else? But you genuinely can, because it's not about the other person, it's about you! The other person IS you, because it's YOUR perception of the other person. When you stop concentrating on this projection that's out there and just pay attention to your own self and what you're doing, it becomes a whole lot easier, and there's a whole lot of freedom in that. Things just start to flow.

I have to tell you, I still have many moments where I'm watching the actual interaction that goes on between my partner and me. I catch myself saying, "Am I delusional? Is this really happening? Am I just making this up? Do I just THINK this is happening, or is it REALLY happening?" But it really IS happening. It's just so unfamiliar, because this isn't the way that we think. I mean, how many of you right here in this room with a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a friend or anybody really believe that you can have exactly what you want in that relationship, and it doesn't matter what the other person chooses? And you don't have to have an agreement - you don't.

And it works! It really does work. The problem is, we don't give ourselves permission to do that because we don't believe we can. We don't believe that we have that kind of power. Even if we let ourselves question whether we have that kind of power, it's a really scary thing: "Oh my god, you mean I really am that powerful? But I can't tell anybody that I'm THAT powerful because they'll lock me up, or they'll think I'm nuts!"

I'm not really clear yet on how this all works. I am very clear that it DOES work. I am very clear that as long as any of us are concentrating our attention on another person or on other things, they continue to be exactly what we expect, and we don't often get what we want.

This is something that is reflected in all kinds of things. It doesn't have to even be another person. It could be your car and getting all pissed off because your car breaks. "I didn't create that, the car created it. Now I have to go fix it, and I can't have what I want because I'm not giving myself permission to create that, and I really don't trust my own ability to create that. I can't just look at that car and say, 'Unbreak yourself! Pump that tire back up!' because I don't have that power. I don't have the ability to do that." But we really do - and we convince ourselves all the time that we don't.

It's hard to stay in that place of trusting that you're actually doing it, and that you ARE creating it, and that you're not delusional. It's hard even when you see it right in front of your face.

I had been watching my interaction and relationship with my partner turn, and I thought I would take this a step further and see how well I could manipulate my own reality. I decided I would create that she'd spend the night with me, and we'd be close with each other and intimate, or whatever. And it happened, and we did. We did spend the night together, and it was wonderful. We spent all day together, and it was wonderful. It was really a beautiful experience. But the next day I was moping and down in the dumps, and I asked myself, "Why am I doing this?" I instantly realized it was because I didn't really believe that I was doing this! I was still trying to get something that I thought I didn't have. But I DID have it, and there it was right in front of my face, and I still didn't believe it!

I thought, "God, I am just really BAD!" If I could materialize an apple in my hand, I'd say, "Oh well, it's not a real apple. Let me do it again and make sure I did that right! Maybe I just THINK it's an apple in my hand, or maybe it's got the wrong molecular structure and will poison me if I eat it or something."

It doesn't even matter what we create, we're so steeped in our automatic responses with our beliefs, and we are so in denial of our own choices and our own ability to materialize those choices, that even when we do it we don't believe we're doing it, and we question it, and we keep thinking we have to go get it out there. "It's not here, with me. I still have to get it."

CATHY: Can we ask questions yet?

MARY: Yes! I would really like that!

CATHY: So, everything that you said makes sense to me. But what would happen if you also had the belief in monogamy, and you were having this whole scenario happen? How does that work?

MARY: I'm starting to discover that I have lots of beliefs going on at the same time that may not be in harmony with each other. They may be actually opposite of each other, but I choose one as dominant over another. As I'm allowing myself to change my perception of things by concentrating on what I'm creating, those conflicting or opposite beliefs move into a position of not being so conflicting anymore.

I do have a pretty strong belief in monogamy. But in concentrating only on me and my choices, it doesn't matter if my partner is not choosing monogamy because all I'm concerned with is what I'm choosing and what I'm doing, and I am creating that. I'm creating the monogamy. I may be interacting with friends or going out to a party or having fun or whatever, but I am very focused on just this one person, and that's the direction that I go in. It doesn't matter anymore to me what she's choosing or whether she's going to be monogamous or not, because her choice doesn't really have anything to do with me. It's my choice that creates my perception, and that's what's the most affecting thing.

As long as I continue to pay attention to what I'm choosing, a lot of the things that other people do are not so affecting of me anymore, because I'm starting to realize that it's not about that. Why should I be upset or why should I feel hurt if the other person is choosing to not be monogamous? That's not MY choice. They're not doing it to me. They're not even involving me in their choice to not be monogamous.

In my perception, if I'm creating monogamy while I'm with that person, I AM creating a monogamous relationship! I'm not with that person when the person is with someone else. It doesn't need to affect me, and it's not affecting me, anyway. It's only my own perception of it that is affecting me. The other person isn't making choices for me. They're not creating anything in my reality, anyway.

LOU: It allows a great freedom for yourself.

MARY: It really genuinely does. It opens up a whole new world because it eliminates a tremendous amount of conflict where other people are concerned. That doesn't mean that I don't continue to love and care about other people and interact with them. It certainly doesn't mean that 24/7 I am thinking, "I'm really not talking to you, I'm talking to me, or I'm talking to my own projection of you." I don't think that! I look at each person, and I'm talking to that person. Each person is individual in my association and in my perception, still.

But at the same time, in some bizarre strange way, I've also become aware that even though I still hold this belief that each one of you are NOT me, each one of you are all your own people, there's another thing there now where I have a real awareness that it doesn't matter that you're each your own people, because I'm creating whatever I want to create, and it will go the way I want it to go. And it will, and it does. It's fascinating.

MALE: It will go the way I want it to go for me, too.

MARY: I would hope so! (Laughter) I think giving yourself permission to do it is a big one.

NORM: So you don't feel the hurt anymore, the jealousy? I mean, that's just not part of it, because why should it bother...

MARY: Exactly. That isn't any part of it. I can see that those feelings were a genuine communication. I felt those things because there were messages inside of me screaming, "I can't do what I want! I can't have what I want! I can't create what I want!" When we ignore that, when we create that kind of an association inside of ourselves, we DO get really sad and angry and unhappy because we're going against our own self, and that creates that kind of a communication.

Another thing that this experience has initiated for me, which will probably be very obvious, is it's allowing me to actually create a real relationship with me, which is fascinating! It is more consuming than any kind of a relationship that I could have with any other person on the entire planet. I am discovering that there are lots of aspects of me that I just didn't even know were there!

It's an interesting thing, creating a relationship with yourself, because you become aware of your own presence. I had an experience recently of standing in my own living room and being very aware of my own presence all around me. I have one finished painting and three new paintings that I started that are sitting around on the floor in my living room, and every time I walk into my living room lately, I have this overwhelming awareness of the presence of ME in that room. I can feel the presence of my energy in my paintings. I've had that experience in museums, and I may be standing in front of a Cezanne or a Picasso or a Van Gogh and I feel this tremendous presence of energy in the paint of some of these paintings because they're so powerful.

I can feel that in my own paintings, which is a bizarre kind of experience to be aware of, to feel your own presence in a room and know that it's all you there. It's a fascinating thing. It's like you just want to reach out in the air and say, "Hi, nice to meet ya, Mary! I'm so glad you're here! I'm here too!" (Laughter)

It's a fascinating, fascinating thing. I became aware of all kinds of things that I do. I'm listening to communications with myself that I didn't even know I had, that I didn't even know I do. It's opening up a whole new world. It's like I see myself in everything, and it's really an incredible experience. (Softly) I wish I could just give this to every person here!

SHARON: You kind of are! (Laughter)

MARY: I wish I could pull a piece off and just give it to you for a minute so you could experience this, 'cause it's really cool!

Each one of us is faced with situations on almost a daily basis, whether it's a big thing or a little thing, we're telling ourselves we can't do something for one reason or another. When you can be aware of that, you can also stop in that moment and realize, "Oh my god, I have a choice here. I CAN. I can choose to tell myself 'I can,' and there's nothing stopping me." And that's a HUGE deal. But remember, it takes practice! It does take a lot of practice. (Laughing)

MALE: And patience.

MARY: What does Elias say about patience? That it's not waiting. It's allowance and doing. So what do you guys think?

MALE2: Sounds like you've taken a big step in not being a victim.

MARY: HUGE! All of us go in that victim mode more than we think.

MALE2: The song from "The Wiz" says something like, "Oz never gave nothing to the Tin Man that he didn't already have," or Mary or we all ... same thing. We all have it; it's the same process you use. It's excellent.

MARY: We just don't know we have it.

RODNEY: Kind of like "what ifs." I'm sure you went through that.

MARY: Oh, yes.

RODNEY: And also, "that's a thought process, that's not my awareness." MY awareness says, "Mary really did that, this experience, and I could create that also." But my thought process is saying, "Yes, but what if, what if?" What if your partner said, "I'm moving out. I'm going to Philadelphia"?

MARY: But she didn't.

RODNEY: Yes, that's what I'm saying, but she didn't. So, I see myself groping with allowing...

MARY: But she DID in the beginning. When I was telling myself I couldn't have what I want, she WAS going in that direction.

RODNEY: Right, okay.

MARY: She was contemplating moving out of the house. She was seeing this other person much more. She was NOT responsive to me.

RODNEY: So you created this within the set of probabilities where this was an actual do-able reality. There was a probability...

MARY: No, I created the probability in the moment.

RODNEY: You created the probability.

MARY: Yes. I made a choice, and I actualized that choice. And the point is, there is no way...

RODNEY: (Laughing) And I'll say the same thing to you that I'd say to Elias: that's a BIG one, Mary!

MARY: And there are no "what ifs," because it is happening. She is there, and she is responding, and she is going in the direction that I want her to go in. Which is also interesting, because MY direction is changing. As I continue to create this relationship with me, some of the things that I thought were really important to me are not that important anymore. They're changing.

RON: You told me an interesting thing that she said to you recently, about you being the kind of person that she always wanted you to be.

MARY: Yes! That was an interesting thing, too. My partner and I have a lot of talks now and share a lot of things that we think about, a lot of feelings, a lot of things. I had asked her what her perception of things were. You know, I'm testing it out still! But I was confident enough in my creations that I was willing to go there, even if she was going to slam me with something completely different.

But she did say to me that in our relationship now I'm much more open with her, I'm much more up front with her, and I am much more the way that she has always wanted me to be, but I was holding back before. I was holding back because I was so concentrated in my attention on HER, I wasn't paying attention to me. As long as I kept concentrating on her, I was totally in this mode of paying attention to all of her behaviors and trying to adjust myself to her behaviors.

One of those behaviors is that when my partner gets really frustrated or angry the first place she goes is, "I'm leaving!" This became a huge threat that was always looming over my head. As long as I was concentrating on her, I was always trying to adjust myself around her so that she wouldn't leave.

I told her the threat wasn't there anymore; she already did it, she left. I said, "But you're still here, so I don't have to worry about the threat anymore. I can just be what I am, and I can just express myself as who I am, and it doesn't matter. What are you going to do, leave? You already did that."

LOU: You're not living in a state of fear.

MARY: Exactly! And I'm allowing myself to be me.

She told me she recognized that in me in some areas, that she could see that part of me in some things. She told me, "I can see that in you with your business, with all of this stuff around these sessions. You make your own choices, and you go in a direction. You don't care. You don't allow other people to deny you what you want to do. You do that pretty strongly in that area. You do it with your art. You go in the direction that you want to go in. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks or says." She said, "But now you do it with me, and this is what I've always wanted you to be, and now you are."

So, it's kind of a two-fold thing. It's not only that I'm creating what I want, but by creating what I want and paying attention to myself, she's also getting what she wants. Which is kind of weird, but it's working! (Laughter)

LOU: And eventually you may decide you may not want to be with her.

MARY: That's a possibility too! That is a possibility.

LOU: You may not want to be part of that.

MARY: We talked about it maybe a week and a half, two weeks ago, and she said, "You know, I was playing this game with myself at work, and I closed my eyes and tried to project myself into being 80 years old and where would I be? I saw myself being this little old lady, and you being a little old lady there with me (laughter), and still going around in circles and doing the same things that we do, with me bossing you around, and you telling me to shut up." (Laughter) Then she said, "Then I closed my eyes and I tried to see myself in the future with this other person, and I got nothing. It was just blank." I told her that I have a very similar perception. Whatever direction it goes in, I kind of have a sense that we will always be connected. It doesn't necessarily mean that we may be partners, but we will always be connected.

CATHY: And the whole process that you went through, discovering you, how much do you attribute this whole experience that you created for yourself to being in the now?

MARY: Oh, I think that's a HUGE element of it.

CATHY: Like pretty much all of it?

MARY: It's in there in all of it. Because as soon as I get out of the now, it's real easy to go in directions of doubting what I'm doing. It's real easy to open up all those familiar doors of questioning whether I'm actually doing this or not, and going back into that place of "I'm only creating half my reality. The other person's creating the other half," ... and the "what ifs." The "what ifs" can really kill you.

LOU: "What ifs" of the past and the future! (Laughing)

MARY: Oh yeah, they can really grab you hard. Those are dangerous places to go. There is a lot of it that requires being present and in the now. Also, that is being in the now with ME.

I've had times when she's left and gone over to this other person's house and spent the night over there, and I can easily go into being in the now, but NOT in me, but being in the now over there with her. What the heck! What's up with that? Then I'm not paying attention to what I'm choosing, and I forget, and I get myself into convoluted spaces. That doesn't genuinely have anything to do with me, because it isn't what I'm creating.

VICKI: So, you had an experience like that, and it's very affecting of how you view yourself and your reality, and it blows you away. I've had the same, or similar, experiences. I've even had experiences that I could translate very similarly to what you're talking about here. One thing that you mentioned a little earlier was that this does apply to all elements, like your car. It applies to all elements of your reality.

Where I find difficulty sometimes - and I don't know about the rest of you, and I don't know if you've thought about it in this now - is translating that experience. You have an experience, and you get in that experience that it's a matter of perception, and that if you do keep your attention on yourself and you really trust your ability to create what you want, you actually not only can, but you do.

MARY: Right.

VICKI: But even though I've had that experience, it doesn't necessarily translate to all other areas of your life.

MARY: No, it doesn't! I think that's part of this whole business that we really don't believe that we do have this ability. It's kind of like materializing the apple in your hand. I sit there and question and say, "Oh gee, did I do that?" Or, "Oh yeah, I did do that, but I can't do it again." (Laughter)

VICKI: I think sometimes even when we accomplish in the manner that you've been talking about here today, we might acknowledge ourselves in that moment for that accomplishment, but it's so easy to slip back into "something else was involved."

FEMALE: Even if you haven't been able to start your car for two years, and you're thinking about this, and you say, "Well, today I'm going to start my car," and you go out and put the key in and it turns over, and the damn thing starts! And you go, "Wow!"

MARY: Yup! I know exactly what you're saying. That's why I am coming to understand that it takes a tremendous amount of practice. It does take a LOT of attention in the moment, and it's really hard because it's something that is VERY easy to slip right back out of. I find myself doing it every day.

VICKI: It's automatic.

MARY: It is automatic.

VICKI: As far as that, even if you get it in the moment, it's automatic to put it off to something else. You know, something else was involved, not just me and my perception.

MARY: It's very easy to accomplish something and KNOW that you're creating that in one direction and acknowledge yourself and hold in that in paying attention to yourself, and in another area you're totally not there. That belief that we really don't have the ability to REALLY create every single piece of our own reality goes across the board: "Okay, well maybe I'll let myself know this over here, but I couldn't do it over there."

I have had lots of experiences where creating something physical is pretty easy, and I trust that I can manifest something that I want in a physical sense. I want a car, I get a car. I want anything, a new phone, a new computer, and there it is. That kind of a thing, creating physical things, is kind of easy for me, and I allow myself to trust that I can DO that a lot of times - not all the time, but a lot of times.

Whereas in interaction with people, it's like, "Oh no, I can't do that, because those are people. They are creating there, and so I'm not." And so I can't do what I want to do when it comes to people.

Somebody else may have no problem with their perception as far as other people go, and they get what they want all the time when it comes to other people. But heck if they can create a sandwich when they want it! They can't create something physical. Somebody else may not think that they can create a relationship with themselves, or whatever.

The doubt is probably straight across the board in everything that we create and everything that we encounter in all of our reality, and we just choose certain things to test out to see if we CAN actually do it or if we ARE actually doing it, but we don't even venture into that area in some things.

RODNEY: I think I would be really hesitating if I validated, or continued to validate, those places where I am successful. I could imagine myself being in a place where you did what you did, but then as time went on I would not ... see, you're validating what you did and you're stating it in front of a large group. That really anchors it in your experience.

MARY: Yes.

RODNEY: I just had this experience of major anger over computer systems and all kinds of things, and since that time, I've opened up to acceptance to a lot of elements of my workplace. And quietly, almost without my noticing it happening, things are shifting. All right, the computer engineer came in and did some major things with my computer; certain problems have disappeared. I have a tendency not to validate myself for having created that because I...

MARY: Exactly, just like what Vicki said, because something outside did it.

RODNEY: Right, and if I were to really pay attention to what's going on and to really validate, to take credit ... see, the thing happens. It happens, and some of the solutions are so trivial that, god, I could have done it myself. I don't take credit because the engineer came in...

MARY: Right, so you didn't do it.

RODNEY: ...and he did it, so I wind up not taking credit for it. If I were to catch myself doing that, I could say, "Wait a minute, that's not an element over which I have no creativity. All right, I created that." So to take credit for what is being created in my reality is that I HAVE created that, I chose to create that. It would further me, build my confidence.

MARY: It does, it reinforces you and it validates you. In doing a lot of that stuff, it also creates another movement in your perception to motivate you to challenge yourself to do it more.

This week I'm going to be spending some time with my oldest daughter. I am aware that for the last couple of days I've been very apprehensive about this and thinking, "Oh god, I don't really know if I want to do this or not, but I'm going to." I'm also starting to remind myself now, "Well, it will be fine because you'll create that to go the way you want it to go. Everything will be fine, and you'll have a lovely time, and there won't be any outbursts, and there won't be craziness because you're not going to create that."

LYNDA: Can I add something to this child story, really quick? This morning I woke up, and I ... speaking of car difficulties, I've had like Mach-10 Shift car difficulties in the last week, is what I'm calling them. I lost a car, three cars didn't work out, I just got a car but the transmission needs to be replaced, and it's fine. (Laughter)

I am really on another layer accepting, not personal responsibility ... of course responsibility, but not in a negative way. I am actually stepping a little bit to the right and observing - it's something you triggered in me - not WHY I created it, but WHAT am I creating, and what do I want? So the first thing I really wanted to do was calm down this morning. Literally, calm down! Because I visited here last night but I have really very little memory of it! I'm SO distracted!

So anyway, I woke up this morning, and I decided to call my dad who I have not talked to in eight months because I have kind of a difficult ... my whole life I've been in and out of creating a difficult situation with my dad. So this morning I woke up, and I said, "Welp, I have to ask my dad for some money, and I'm going to call him up. I know his first wave of response is going to be INTENSE guilt, and I'm not going to let him do that, and I'm going to just call him up and say, 'Pop, I'm coming over. I need some money. I can pay you back, I just need up-front money right now, and it's not a problem.'"

I drove over there ... oh, first of all, I got a car to come here because my second goal was to get back here today, and the people living in the back house gave me the keys to their car. I created that last night on the way to bed! (Laughter) So, I'm at my dad's house, I'm really very nervous because, you know, nobody can get you like your dad, or your mom or your kid or whatever. My dad is like ... he should have been a rabbi. He should have never been a father. He's like this sort of ... anyway, he's just my dad. So I walk in, I'm full-bore calm, but expecting my father to lecture me on ... I'm going to be fifty-two in February, and he's lecturing me. He doesn't care, I'm twelve! So I walk in, he goes, "Darling!" and he hugs me. I go, "Daddy!" and I hug him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a baby picture of me I've never seen before, but I knew it was me. I asked where he got the pictures. Yesterday my aunt sent baby pictures she'd found in her drawer of just me. There were like five baby pictures of me that I'd never seen. Of course, this is so personal, what do you care? Why would you care about this? But for me, I had just had a conversation with Elias about being an infant and choking on formula, and my parents had to rush me to the hospital. I've heard this story my whole life. As I'm reading Seth and Elias these last few years, I've always wanted to especially ask Elias, was this a probable probability where I died? I just recently asked Elias why I did that, and he said, "Because you set a pattern for your entire life that you were going to be your own person." So that really meant a lot to me, because it took it out of the realm of ... it was like ... (Laughter)

So I look at this little baby Ruther picture of this kid, six months old, with this look on her face like "I'm tough!" This little, not-that-cute-baby, but it was me. I grew up to be gorgeous, but trust me ... all this to say, I had this emotional - I'm emotionally focused, hello! - I had this really tender connection with my infant pictures and my pop, and it was a really cool flow, and here I am. The shadow of the past is always with us unless we choose to notice it and decide it's not going to be. That's what I decided to do on my way up here, and I'm here! With the money! (Laughter and applause)

So, I'm supporting what you're saying, my friend, because I'm telling you, I woke up this morning and started with, "what do I want" not "why am I doing this," and "what do other people think of me for being a flip-out?" No, no, no, no. What do I really want to do this morning? I really wanted to come back here and say good-bye to everybody - especially you, Paul/Ben. I just wanted to reconnect with people and say good-bye. I wanted to do that, so I did it.

MARY: I think it's really interesting that you started to ask yourself different questions. The automatic go-there is "why am I doing this?" or "why did I do this?" That's such an automatic question, yet you don't get an answer. Or you get an answer that you already know, and it doesn't give you any information. You're just stuck with it. It's been a very powerful thing for me to start asking myself some different questions.

It's like with the computer. You type in a website and it goes right to the website. If you type in a word and you push search, it brings up all kinds of other things for you to look at and explore. When you ask yourself different questions, you push your search button, because it is a different question and you have to look for a different answer. It's not all automatic. We don't give ourselves very much information at all in automatic things.

VICKI: So, with what you've experienced with this and what you've been talking about today, have you consciously translated that or transferred that to another situation, like in the last month? Has something else come up, and you knew, "Okay, now I have this information, I've had this experience, so maybe I can disengage the automatic response and move into this other area?"

MARY: Yes! But not on a big scale. I mean, I'm doing that kind of thing pretty much on a daily basis with little things. I am continuing to experiment with it and test it out. This is just like one big example that's easy to see and easy to explain to people, and they can understand, too. I'm paying attention to the other little things while I'm doing them.

VICKI: I was just curious if you'd thought about it in those terms.

MARY: Yes, I have, which has been a very interesting thing. I've caught myself going into doubt mode about money, like we all do here and there! I don't do it real often, but every once in a while that may come up, and I caught myself going there. I noticed that as long as I was in that mode for a few days, I was not generating anything.

And this is not subjective stuff going on! This is all very objective: think about it, do it intentionally, remind yourself, and actually create movement. It's not familiar, so it's not automatic, and it's not that easy, either. I have to keep reminding myself. I have to intentionally do it; but I can see the movement and how it's working.

I said to you, "What the hell is up with this? Here I go again! Nothing! I haven't generated a session in over a week - what's the matter with me?" You even told me, "Yup, and as soon as you say that you're going to get flooded." I got off the phone with you, and sure as shit! (Laughter) As soon as I realized that that was what I was doing, and decided nope, this is not what I'm going to do, I'm going in this direction and I'm going to create this, within the next two days I did get flooded. I did.

It's all about my perception and what I'm choosing, or what I'm telling myself I can't choose, and what I don't choose. When I go into doubting myself or putting my attention out there on something else, on a thing, on a situation, on a circumstance, on another person, anything ... it doesn't matter what it is. I mean, you can be anticipating something coming up in the future.

I could be holding my attention on my medical insurance bill instead of on what I'm doing. Come to find out, I just ran myself in circles with that, and they don't even need it yet! I ran myself right into a corkscrew in the ground on that one, just thinking, "Oh god, oh god, oh god! They're going to cut my insurance off, and I'm going to have these medical bills and surgery and whatever!" I made myself insane with it all. Why? Because I'm telling myself I can't create what I want to create and what I perceive that I need - and I don't even need it! (Laughing) Every time I go to the doctor, this horrendous condition that I started out with seems to get LESS horrendous and LESS serious and further away from surgery and hospitals. So whatever!

LYNDA: Yeah team! That's the idea, baby! (Applause and hooting) It's not that anybody needs to lend you energy, because you do create ONLY your reality, but I'm helping! (Laughter)

MARY: It's really powerful stuff!

MALE: Mary, do you think you would have made that quantum leap if that event wouldn't have happened? I mean, you were ready for it, obviously. But it's almost like the universe did that, or at least created that event so that...

MARY: I don't think the universe created that. I think I created that.

MALE: Well, I mean it was created because you were ready for it, because you needed that growth.

MARY: Interestingly enough, I'm also aware now that this is part of how I operate, and that I did create this whole scenario. Because every time I go away, every time I go on one of these trips to another state or another country, some crisis happens at home, and each time the new crisis or the new event is bigger than the last one. The last one was pretty big, so I couldn't imagine what would be able to top that, but an affair is a big topper! That would really be a BIG topper! That did top the one before. I was pretty amazed: "Wow! That's like so amazing man! I can just get this going bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger!"

I don't think any of that was an accident, now that I look at it in hindsight. This has been a steady-on movement, going in my little direction, moving me into this position, and this position is moving me into other positions. It is really like what Elias says: it isn't getting to a goal. It really is all about the process.

MALE: Well, what did Clinton say yesterday, something like life isn't a destination, it's a process - something on that order. That's what it is! I find myself focused on very similar things, and I'm coming to the same conclusion that you've come to but in a slower way - not quite as dramatic!

MARY: Well, I would be doing that drama thing, wouldn't I? (Laughter) That's another part of me that I've introduced myself to, because in my perception I don't create drama! Hello! (Laughter) I've introduced myself to THAT Mary: "Oh yes, you do. You do it really good! You do the drama thing really big and really good, and that's just what you do, and it's okay!"

Those are other things that go along with developing a relationship with yourself, finding out all those things about your own self, that you really do those things. Everybody around you tells you that you do these things, and you're saying, "I do not! What are you talking about?" But then you introduce yourself to yourself and say, "That's okay. That IS what I do, and it's okay. Just because somebody else does it different doesn't mean the way I do it is not okay. It works. It gets my attention. I'm not that other person, and maybe if I do it this way I will be paying attention to myself." And I am.

There's a lot of negative connotations or associations with a many things, like drama: "Oh no, bad, bad, bad!" or complicating things: "Oh, bad, bad, bad!" Some people DO complicate things. It excites them. That's how they figure things out. It's not necessarily bad, bad, bad, you know?

MALE: The rest of your life will be so much better because of attitude and perception.

MARY: Well, believe me, it's not a goal. I have not reached the finish line. This is something that I am aware of every day because it's a process.

NORM: So where do you think it will lead? I mean, do you feel that you can have an emotional love for yourself as much as you can for a partner?

MARY: You know, I DO! I am really discovering that, and it's fascinating. It really is.

NORM: I mean, you idealize your love with your partner, and now can you do that with yourself?

MARY: I believe that you really can. I can't even describe to you what an overwhelming feeling it is to me to stand in front of my paintings and feel my presence in them, and know that my presence is there in the room. It's like, "God, I love this! I love you SO MUCH!" (Laughter) "You are just such a bitching person! I love you!"

NORM: Hug yourself! Wrap your arms around you!

MARY: And I mean it in the same way that I mean it when I say it to my partner, or hug her or something. I genuinely feel that towards her. But genuinely I'm starting to feel that towards me, and it's so cool! It is so great to feel that way and to be able to express that. It's wonderful.

Of course, there other times where I'm like, "You're such a stupid! What's your problem - you're so stupid!"

NORM: And you're going to find that your acceptance of yourself, the love of yourself, is going to change and allow you to accept your belief systems, too, right?

MARY: I believe so.

NORM: Because external events aren't nearly as important anymore.

MARY: You're right. They are losing their bite.

NORM: It's an experience, but "it's not going to bother me."

MARY: A lot of things are really losing their bite. It's a fascinating ride.

MALE: Elias is staying out of it, right?

MARY: This is not about Elias at all. This is about Mary! (Laughter)

MALE: He's not making any comments, in other words.

MARY: What is he gonna comment on? I'm sure not asking him about it! (Laughter) I don't care about his comments! I'm too busy paying attention to what I'm doing, and having a blast doing it!

MALE: Self-discovery.

MARY: It really is, and it's great. It's so much fun.

RODNEY: Something else, you're standing in front of your paintings, feeling the presence of your energy in there ... I've just spent the last week or two destroying some really powerful shrines. I personally ripped up 23 years of dream journals. I trashed them, and I trashed a few objects. It just came to me when you were describing going into your living room, and so I projected myself into my living room, and there is me there. I can see that, especially now that I spent the last two weeks cleaning it up and beautifying it, making it mine.

But these shrines are like the polar opposite of something that you've created. You stand in front of your painting, and you see you there, and it fills you with a sense of yourself. Whereas, there are shrines in my place that when I look at them, they have a tendency to do the opposite. They take me to a place outside of myself, which creates the opposite effect. That kind of illuminates the idea of shrines a little bit more for me, and motivates me to part with them. (Laughing)

MARY: Well, that's cool. (Laughs) It's amazing what you become aware of inside of yourself when you start looking. For most people the scariest part is just to even start. They're so afraid they're going to see something dark and ugly in there, or very unacceptable.

For me it didn't turn out that way at all. It didn't turn out to be awful and "why am I doing this?" It turned out to be a real opportunity to give myself permission to make choices, and that was a really liberating thing. It wasn't massive judgment on myself, like "you're really screwed up, you're letting other people make choices for you, this is really bad, bad, bad, Mary!" I didn't go there. As soon as I realized I had choices, that meant that I COULD do other things!

Now I get to allow myself to do other things instead of continuing to tell myself that I can't. I didn't even know that I was telling myself "I can't" until I started asking myself some different questions. It's pretty cool. I hope all of you do this! (Laughs)

PAUL T: Mary, I want to take this opportunity to thank you personally for coming here and sharing yourself and your experiences with us, because it definitely means a lot to me to know you.

MARY: Thank you.

PAUL T: And it's meant very much to me to be part of this whole weekend, meeting all of you people (applause and cheering), and Mary has let me understand that I did create this. What a wonderful thing! It's been a lot of fun, and thank you all.

GROUP: Thank YOU! (Applause)

?2002 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved