Session 201409101


“Work Relationships”
“Validation and Confidence”
“Thought Focus and Delegation”

Wednesday, September 10, 2014 (Private/In-Person)

Participants: Mary (Michael) and Lynda (Ruther)

ELIAS: Good morning!

LYNDA: (Singing) “There’ll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover…” (Elias chuckles) I’m here! I’m going to read you from me and Twink…**

ELIAS: Excellent.

LYNDA: …and that would be my efficient method of gathering everything from the last time we talked. I had moments, but here I am! (Elias laughs).

LYNDA: So, the guy before the last guy just wrote me and he apologized for not replying sooner and all that. We’ll see.

TWINK: “Congratulations.”

LYNDA: Thanks, he looks cute, but at this point I’m brain dead but still hopeful.

TWINK: “You are true to you.”

LYNDA: Okay, I have a session tomorrow morning at 8, and I’m thinking more work related constructs and my Keto eating plan should cover it as the main topics.

TWINK: “And a bit more information about the last room.”

LYNDA: If you say so.

TWINK: “Oh, I say so!”

LYNDA: (Laughs) Saying what I felt about the website at work scared me so there’s another construct to get my little teeth into.

TWINK: “And it’s all under the work/shrine construct, and you have taken a big step there, part of the last room.”

LYNDA: Oh, I’m so reading this to TBC! (I call Elias, “TBC” for The Big Cheese).

TWINK: “Oh, you so are!”

LYNDA: What I mean by all that is I think the Anon piece is possibly a big jewel out of the mentor shrine that I’m looking at and addressing to. I know you agree with me. We’ve talked about Anon1, we’ve talked about Anon2; we never talk about Anon, perfect Anon, who I can get so scared of. I trashed myself pretty bad about it. She went on vacation, and on Friday I felt like Cinderella, measuring and doing whatever she wanted and I was totally overwhelmed by it. Anyway, I walked her to the car, and she goes don’t worry about not having anything to do, you could maybe do this or maybe do that. And I’m like I worry about not having anything to do because they don’t think I’m valuable if I don’t have anything to do. There’s another piece of that construct.

So, I’m looking at it, and I’m realizing all these pieces and parts. But mostly, the day she left I had a pretty intense fear episode in the night, which is getting unusual these days. But when I woke up in the morning and had the weekend ahead of me, I just started to process through all of it, Elias, and untangled it, and the fear didn’t… I’m not afraid. I’m certainly not afraid now. But there’s pieces and parts to it I need help untangling and not trash myself in the process. Would you agree that I took a big bite out of that work construct in this last little season?

ELIAS: Yes.

LYNDA: And I’m correct about it’s her fear not my fear?

ELIAS: Yes.

LYNDA: And as a result, Anon1 and I have had a little bit of an easier time to connect while she’s gone, because Anon definitely affects Anon1’s anxiety as well as mine, as well as everybody’s in the office. So, Anon1 and I have had a little bit easier time – she’s still Anon1 and I’m still very aware of her stuff…

ELIAS: Excellent.

LYNDA: I am, but we’re also finding fun things. I don’t want to make her my enemy just because I’m aware of her shit.

ELIAS: Correct. But it is also important and significant that you not move in a direction of being unrealistic about her.

LYNDA: Anon1?

ELIAS: Yes.

LYNDA: It’s very interesting; she told me I had an eating disorder yesterday. I went, “Do I?” Anyway, it was fine. All right, so, I just wanted to ask if you have any information for me or if you have a good way to work with Anon going forward.

ELIAS: Before we move in that direction, let me express one comment to you that you can remember and refer to. When other individuals express an unsolicited judgment to you, you can dismiss it. For when other individuals express a judgment to you that is unsolicited, that is a direct expression of their own issues.

LYNDA: Amen! Thank you! That works well with both all the Anons.

ELIAS: And in that, how that plays into “What am I reflecting?” - that once again is a reflection, not a mirror. In that, in those situations, what you are reflecting is an opportunity to not assume and absorb what the other individual is expressing, to recognize it as their issue and to allow it to bounce off.

LYNDA: I think I did that pretty good yesterday, don’t you think?

ELIAS: I would agree.

LYNDA: We don’t really have to waste too much time on Aonn, because I think I get the nuts and bolts, but I would like to get a little help in … It is a big piece for me in affectingness.

ELIAS: And what is your concern?

LYNDA: My concern is that I’m afraid I’m being too yes and no: saying yes when I mean no, and no when I mean yes.

ELIAS: In what capacity?

LYNDA: I feel like she can trigger the feeling that she has lot of control over me in my job, and my very livelihood. I think I look to her too much for validation and to feel good about what I’m doing at my work place, rather than really trusting my ability and my co-coaching with her.

ELIAS: And I would very much agree.

LYNDA: I also feel like I want to continue to be a support because I like to do that. I do admire her creativity, but I just don’t want to come under it. Does that make sense?

ELIAS: Yes.

LYNDA: I want to realistically continue to be there for a little while longer. I know I’m not going to be there forever, but I don’t want to bite my own foot off because I’m in a moment of thinking I don’t have enough to do and no one appreciates me. I need to get through those really hard times at work where I’m so insanely paralyzed with not knowing what to do next and thinking I’m going to get fired, which I’m not, and the shame of that is not so great. But I’m just saying, I’m aware of it and I have been able to move through it. I don’t know if there’s an efficient way to do it, but I’m doing the best I can.

ELIAS: First of all, remember what we talked about a time framework ago, when we were discussing you and what you do at your job and the other individuals coming to you and questioning you and how to address to that situation in relation to what you do.

Now; in conjunction with that, it is a matter of evaluating for yourself your job and what you do and what your tasks are at your job and what you like to do at your job in addition to what you are required to do. In that, you are expressing that a part of your anxiety or your fear is that you do not know what to do…

LYNDA: Or that I don’t have enough to do.

ELIAS: …or that you do not incorporate enough activities to fill your time, which is not necessarily correct. For you are only thinking about specific tasks, and if you finish those tasks, then you are left with time and are concerned with how to fill your time. But what I express to you is evaluate what you are required to do, what are the tasks that you are required to do, but also what do you like to do at your job, and in that, allowing yourself to relax and express yourself naturally. Be you. If you have completed all of your tasks that are required, what other activities do you like to do, what do you enjoy doing in that environment? Not engaging conversation with Anon1 or any of the other individuals that you incorporate difficulties with, but there are other actions that you enjoy doing that are in that environment. Perhaps evaluating different products or viewing different designs or different colors or different types of products. Even if you do not present them to Anon, it is a fun action for you, and it is related to your job.

LYNDA: Yeah, looking at the Pantone colors for Spring 2015, that was fun, and not feeling like I have to tell Anon hey look, I’m doing what you told me to do.

ELIAS: Precisely. And if she is not present, the other individuals need not be privy to what you are doing. You do not answer to them.

LYNDA: That’s a big piece. That’s part of my frustration - that I think everybody’s looking at me, wondering what I’m doing at my desk.

ELIAS: It matters not, for they are not your supervisors and you are not answerable to them. Therefore, whatever you are doing is what you are doing, and it is not their concern. I would also express that it is important for you to practice developing your confidence with yourself. I agree with you: you look to Anon for your confidence.

Now; let me express to you, you, in like manner to every other individual, you look for validation in relation to whatever you do, regardless of what it is. And validation is a considerable part of building confidence and building trust, for the more you validate, the more you recognize you can trust a particular expression or direction.

LYNDA: Within myself?

ELIAS: Yes. But in relation to other individuals, validation from other individuals is reinforcing, and it is, in your terms, good and beneficial as an aside – not to derive your confidence from that validation. The validation that you receive from other individuals in relation to whatever you do or however you express is an acknowledgment of what you are already expressing.

LYNDA: It’s a by-product.

ELIAS: Yes. Therefore, in that, it is important to focus upon building your confidence with yourself and not looking to another individual to provide that confidence for you. For in that, it is hollow, and what is meant by that is it is a never-ending tube…

LYNDA: It’s like liposuction; it’s never enough! (Sorry, Joan). I get it. You’re talking about my life!

ELIAS: That tube of hollowness, for the outside validation that provides you with confidence, figuratively speaking, it is the same as the other individual extending to you an expression of confidence, placing it in that tube, and it falls through. And you are correct, it is never enough. You are continuously seeking that validation.

LYNDA: You’re right! “How am I doing with it?” This is what we’re talking about; this is my life. This is a shrine; this is for a lot of us. I’m just saying I think I’m moving in the direction…

ELIAS: Yes! And you are aware of it, and that is very significant.

LYNDA: In that moment when you said that point, I actually wanted to try to explain to you that for me, it’s almost peeled away from me. I’m here and it’s there, the discounting, the fear, the beholdingness.

ELIAS: Yes, and I am acknowledging of you in that, and that is the reason that I expressed it is important for you to practice. Not that you are not doing it…

LYNDA: No, but to continue. You’re validating what I’ve been viewing. It’s interesting, because it hits hard and it’s painful, but then it’s not. I’m not afraid of the fear, and I don’t exacerbate it as much. It’s not about Anon – eh, it’s a little about Anon, but whatever. That’s a very unusual situation there at the office.

ELIAS: Let me also clarify a point with you. For you express this frequently, and many, many other individuals do also, in which you generate an automatic response and express it is not about the other individual, but in part it is. You do not exist in this reality alone. Yes, you are creating all of your reality, but other individuals are participating with you, and they are creating reality also, and you intersect.

In that, just as with the other situation with Anon and her statement to you, that is her issue. Therefore, it is about her. In relation to interactions that you engage with other individuals, there are aspects that are about them. That does not lessen that you are creating your reality in every aspect of it, but there is participation from the other individuals, and in that, they are influencing just as you are influencing of them. In that, it is important not to move in the extreme of incorporating this information to heap onto yourself all responsibility. You are responsible for you only – ONLY.

LYNDA: Okay, can I say something about Anon?

ELIAS: Yes.

LYNDA: I really love her. I have a lot of affection for her.

ELIAS: And this is the reason that this is a complex situation.

LYNDA: I do have affection for the other Anons, actually, but not like I do with Anon. I have personal preferences, and Anon meets a lot of them and I guess this might sound shallow, but her image and my image, I have a similar taste in her image and I think she makes really creative choices. I think she’s a natural leader in the midst of a lot of stuff going on but I’m learning be careful when she’s talking about Anon1, because it’s going to change tomorrow. Did all that make sense?

ELIAS: Yes.

LYNDA: All I’m saying is now that I know that, this is sort of a recent knowing for me, because Anon’s done this for years. It’s just maybe her thought-focused thing versus… I don’t know what it is, but I’m very leery about leaning into these conversations with Anon now. I just listen.

ELIAS: Remember, echoing is not beneficial. It is dangerous.

LYNDA: Yeah, and then she’ll turn on me, so I need to… Have I done too much damage? I don’t think so.

ELIAS: No.

LYNDA: I think I’m okay; I think I’m on it. But you’re right, echoing is dangerous. I have felt that.

ELIAS: It is not beneficial for you to echo, and it is not beneficial for other individuals to echo you. Echoing is a dangerous direction to engage.

LYNDA: There’s a lot of echoing at in my work place. It’s a crazy dynamic there, don’t you think?

ELIAS: Yes. What is important is for you to pay attention to you and not to lose yourself in other individual’s actions and also to not seek your confidence from other individuals.

Let me express to you that there is a commonality with many – not all – thought-focused individuals. They incorporate a tendency to be somewhat literal. They also incorporate a tendency to not necessarily be controlling – although at times they could be, but anyone could be – but in this capacity, it is not necessarily controlling. It is somewhat of a by-product of the thought-focused individual…

LYNDA: Could it be political too, or is it just thought-focused?

ELIAS: It does spill into the other somewhat, but more so thought-focused individuals. They incorporate a tendency to be specific in instruction.

Now; when I express that, a thought-focused individual would be very likely to incorporate detailed notes and instruction for an individual that is assuming their role for a time. Therefore, in the situation of a vacation or any other action in which that individual will not be present and they are delegating the duties or the tasks that they generally themselves would be expressing, thought-focused individuals are not as adept at delegating. Therefore, how that translates – for they are not as comfortable in delegating actions – how that translates is they become very detailed in instructions.

Now; what I would express to you and to any other individual that would be receiving of that is to not be so serious, to accept the detailed instruction, to recognize that this generally is a natural direction of these individuals. It is not meant, it is not intended to be discounting of you or any other individual. The thought-focused individual is not considering that. They are merely expressing in a natural manner for themselves, for it is difficult for them to delegate. Therefore, their action is to project onto another individual – now hear what I am expressing – the instructions, but whomever they give the instructions to, they are also expressing a trust to. If they give you the instructions, if they choose you to delegate to, they trust you, and the reason they are giving you the detailed instructions, being a thought-focused individual, what they are doing is giving you instructions in how to be them.

LYNDA: Wow, that’s what Anon was doing, then. Another re-definition I need to work through. Okay.

ELIAS: They do incorporate awareness that you are not them and that you are different. Therefore, their detailed instructions are instructions in how to be them, and they are trusting you with that. They are giving you their role. Therefore, what I would express to you is rather than becoming distressed or anxious or irritated…

LYNDA: Or fearful.

ELIAS: …or fearful, recognize that although they are trusting you and instructing you to be them, they also know that you are not them. Therefore, in that, that is what they know, that is a natural action for them, and in that, you can accept that, you can receive that, and be you.

LYNDA: Thank you. That helps me, because I really love her. That’s great. I go right into, “OMG THIS IS A SHRINE.” I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s all a shrine, the whole fucking thing is a shrine, and I’m not doing it. (Elias laughs)

So, really quick, my sister Susie, I told her I was going to talk to you today. Susie was going to go to Greece. We were all excited for her then Susie changed her mind while the plane was delayed on the ground at LAX. She got off the plane and said, “I can’t do this.” She called me hysterical, crying, after telling me good-bye by text earlier that evening and says, “I’m humiliated, I’m mortified, and I’m really relieved.” I said, “I get the humiliation and I get whole thing, Susie.” And she couldn’t stop crying. I said, “It’s good to cry; keep crying. You’re crying because your job is changing and you really did not want to go to Greece. I’m going to talk to Elias tomorrow, and I kind of know what he’s going to say, but do you mind if I talk to Elias?” She says (Lynda imitates a sobbng Susie and Elias laughs) “No, I don’t mind.” I said, “I’m just going to make it short, Susie, but I’m pretty sure he’s going to validate what I’m telling you. Cry and trust yourself.” She says, “I’m so ashamed I gave in to such fear.” I said, “No, you should be proud that you listened to yourself.”

ELIAS: And also remember, what is bravery? Bravery is the willingness to act in the midst of fear. I would express that that was brave.

LYNDA: You know what? Me and my family are brave bitches! (Laughs)

ELIAS: I agree!

LYNDA: Thank you! (Elias laughs loudly) Woohoo!

When I put my session about what you said last time about I had one more room and I’m actually proud of me that I let it go, frankly. That’s bravery in the midst…

ELIAS: Yes!

LYNDA: So, Keto. I’ve been moving in the direction of low carb for a long time, and I found this book, Keto Clarity. You know me and my books. I feel really good. It’s very low carb, and I eat very good fat, and I finally am able to eat not as much protein and get it down to around 70 grams a day, which is maybe a little bit too much but still okay for me, considering. I’ve been wanting to assimilate what you told me about needing to eat more because I’m old – hate that part – but anyway, it feels right to incorporate like a tablespoon of good butter if I feel my energy go down and then have a little meal if I feel like it. I like getting up in the morning and having my little mix of turmeric and gelatin powder, which is really seeming to work in my joints well and a little bit of butter, and butter in my coffee. It kind of gives me a lift, and I’m not hungry.

ELIAS: Butter is excellent!

LYNDA: (Laughs) You would say that! Isn’t good butter great?

ELIAS: Yes.

LYNDA: And even ghee. I like ghee, too. Remember when you said eat two grapes, and I thought to myself, “I CAN’T EAT GRAPES! THEY ARE TOO HIGH CARB!” But the idea of eating a small thing every couple of house is good idea, huh?

ELIAS: Yes.

LYNDA: So, here’s my next question. There’s this program, a 21-day program. You eat three meals a day the first week – I did that; I’m really not hungry now – so I can go down to two meals a day but eat fat in between.

ELIAS: Ah! Excellent!

LYNDA: I created a way to do it, huh?

ELIAS: Excellent!

LYNDA: As long as I’m eating a little bit of fat, like a tablespoon of butter every couple of hours or three at the most, then I can have a nice meal at night, ultimately, and combine my not fasting…

ELIAS: Which is precisely what I was expressing to you. It is not a matter of quantity. In this, this is a very common misunderstanding that most individuals express. I am not expressing to individuals to be eating a meal every two hours. It is not a matter of quantity. That is the reason that I used two grapes as an example. That is a very small amount to consume.

LYNDA: So, this guy who wrote Keto Clarity has kind of a good idea. He weighed 400 pounds – he’s not 400 pounds anymore. Don’t you think my body is responding to it? Could you look inside my body, Mr. X-Ray Man?

ELIAS: Yes!

LYNDA: It feels like I’m losing some fat; I’m more alert. I don’t think I’m hallucinating that. I feel better.

ELIAS: Excellent.

LYNDA: I may go down to eating little bits of fat all day and a nice meal for dinner, which is my favorite, and one drink at night doesn’t seem to be bothering me. Are we in agreement there? Or am I in denial?

ELIAS: Yes.

LYNDA: That’s good. One last thing – I’m thinking of getting a machine called a Max Trainer, which is a tread climber/elliptical machine and has upper body action as well. I really want to know that I’m moving in the right direction with it. I want to have consistent exercise especially through the winter and I’m not an outdoor girl so it seems the most efficient. You can do very fast intervals for short periods of time and then release it and go slower. Is it something somebody my age could do?

ELIAS: Yes.

LYNDA: Okay, cool. Better than the plain tread climber machine they offer. Right?

ELIAS: Yes.

LYNDA: Thank you, Ruther. (Elias chuckles) Okay, one last thing. I’m standing in the kitchen and this energy wafts into my head, and I go oh, there’s my partner looking for me. And I thought nah, it’s probably Jasper. Go away, you’re not born yet. What was that in my kitchen? I thought, “I’m looking and looking for my partner, and he’s looking and looking for me, too, and he just found my energy.” Is that right? (Elias chuckles) No shit? You wouldn’t lie to me, right? Never! So there’s hope.

ELIAS: Yes. Encouragement

LYNDA: Encouragement from him. I’ll have teeth and won’t need a walker by the time we meet, right? (Elias laughs).

LYNDA: Okay, I love you. I’ll be back! Can’t get rid of me, just like a bad penny.

ELIAS: Or a good penny.

LYNDA: A shiny new penny. Okay.

ELIAS: I express tremendous affection and lovingness to you, my dear friend.

LYNDA: Thanks! Ditto!

ELIAS: As always, and tremendous encouragement in what you are accomplishing. Well done. Continue on and derive your confidence from within you. Till our next meeting, in glorious lovingness to you, au revoir.

LYNDA: Au revoir.

Elias departs after 47 minutes.

** Twink is a fictional unconditionally loving and cool character created by Lynda.