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Gratitude and Revelations

Session 20171021
Mary’s Talk

“Gratitude and Revelations"

Saturday, October 21, 2017 (Group/Hinsdale, New Hampshire)

Participants: Mary (Michael), Aaron (Todd), Adam (Avril), Ann (Vivette), Bonnie (Lyla), Brigitt (Camile), Britt A., Daniil (Zynn), Debbie (Tamarra), Hernan (Hernan), Jason (Spensar), Jean (Lyla), Jim (Marion), John (Lon), John (Rrussell), Karen (Turell), Kathleen (Florencia), Kyla (Amie), Linda (Robert), Lisa T., Lynda (Ruther), Magdalena (Michella), Natasha (Nicole), Naomi (Kallile), Phil (Patre), Sandra (Atahfah), Val (Atticus) and Veronica (Amadis)

MARY: (Audio begins mid-sentence) to every one of you here today. I’ve had some amazing realizations the last couple of months, and it’s been challenging, very emotional, and I won’t say difficult because I don’t think that’s the right word. It’s been (sighs) enlightening since Polly died.

And I’ve had a lot of realizations that I directly attribute to her, because I seem to get these realizations whenever I’m thinking about her or feeling about her or crying about her. I have these amazing realizations that I thought about. I was walking in the woods. I’ve been walking on Wantastiquet, the mountain, every day until I got sick, but then I started back up again this past week. And it’s really cool.

I never was one of these people that was like in nature and stuff like that, and I’ve never been a hiker, and I’ve never really understood when people talk about going in the woods and it’s healing and stuff. (Group laughter) I was like, “Okay.” (Group laughter) And it never really had an appeal to me.

But I started walking with Donnalie in the woods, and it was really amazing to me. Walking up there on the mountain, it’s like time stops. There's no time, there's no obligation, there’s nothing to do, there’s nobody to talk to. There’s no phones, there’s no nothing. It’s just like time just stops, and you’re just there. And there’s nothing there but trees and water, and the trees don’t care if you scream or if you cry or whatever. They’re just there, and it’s very peaceful.

So I really have been enjoying doing that. And while I’m up there, you know I’m sure that all the hikers that go up on Wantastiquet are wondering. Everywhere you go, I’ve spelled Polly’s name out in little white rocks.

GROUP: Awww! (Chatter)

MARY: So, they’re probably all wondering who the hell Polly is (group laughter) and why her name is everywhere, but it’s just been something that has been kind of therapeutic for me. I mean, fifteen years is a long time to have a companion that has been with you every minute of every day, and been everywhere with you. Noticing the absence of her has been like an ongoing thing to readjust to and learn how to do things differently. You don’t think about it, but you learn to do things in a certain way with this being always there, and so when it isn’t there you have to learn how to do things a different way.

But I was walking on the mountain and I was thinking – and I’ve shared this with a couple of people that are here, but I’ll share it with the rest of you. I was thinking about what a dumb statement it is that people say: “Live every day as if it was your last day.” And I’m walking and I’m thinking about that and I’m like, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. That is the dumbest statement. Why would anybody say that?” And I thought about it, and I thought that’s not how I want to live. I want to live as if it’s everybody else’s last day.

When you think it’s everybody else’s last day, when you think it’s someone else’s last day, you act very different. Things that you think are important just fall away—they aren’t important any more. If somebody has an attitude, you just don’t care. You aren’t trying to do anything for them, you’re not trying to fix anything for them, you’re just being with them and thinking about how you want to be with them, that last day, and what you don’t want to wake up tomorrow and regret that you didn’t do or that you did in a way you weren’t real happy with.

And you know, when someone or something dies, we always immediately go into this scrutinization of every minute of that last day, and what you could have done better, or what you should have done or what you shouldn’t have done, or whatever. And I did a little bit of that. I didn’t get super caught up in it, because I think I was pretty consistent in pretty much adoring her every day (group laughter) and letting her know that. So, I didn’t have much of it, but I had a little bit. And I had moments where I was like, “Oh god! Why did I do that?” or “Why didn’t I do this?” and I thought we had more time.

And I don’t want to be that way ever with anyone or anything. I don’t want to ask myself those questions. And I want to be the person that is like, “I’m so glad that I had that time and that I don’t regret anything about that time." And I’ve actually started doing that.

Actually, Lynda here will attest to she’s still looking for the pod under my house. (Group laughter) I’ve actually been really implementing that and really applying it, and it’s really changed my perception a lot. Where I’ve been listening to Elias talk for years about not making things important, I don’t think I really got that. I don’t think I really understood that until now. And I realized, “Oh, this is what he means.” We make so many things important that just aren’t important. It’s like somebody gets an attitude and you get an attitude back. Why? Who cares? Or somebody does something that you don’t like and you’re like “Grrr!” and you pull away from them. Why? So what?

I mean, people are the way they are. They do what they do because of whatever. I mean, there’s always a reason that they do something, and you don’t have to know what it is. I don’t have to know what it is. I just need to know that I’m being who I want to be with everybody, every moment, every day, and letting them know that I care about them, that I’m grateful that they are in my life—and I am very grateful. And this feeling doesn’t go away. It’s so weird. It’s just a constant, ongoing thing.

I also realized some nasty bugs in my onion-peeling layers up on the mountain, getting irritated about something and thinking about that and going, “Why? Why is this bothering me? What am I making important? Why is this irritating me?” or “What am I adding into my neutral?” which was really helpful. And I realized that – which is kind of yucky to say, but I’ll say it – that a lot of times in my life, I have—not knowingly, but I have reacted to things that other people do that I don’t like, and I remove myself. And underneath that removing is not thinking, but a kind of an association or a feeling of “they don’t deserve my presence.” Not that I don’t deserve something, but THAT person doesn’t deserve ME, because they’re doing something I don’t like or that irritates me or I don’t agree with, which was a pretty ugly bug. I didn’t like it. And I was like, “Ewww!” (Group laughter) I was like, “Well, that’s pretty nasty. Wow, aren’t you Little Miss Princess, that you think you’re too good for other people and they don’t deserve you? Wow, that’s pretty nasty.”

And that was a hard thing to look at, but I’m really grateful that I looked at that too, because I realize that’s so not what it’s all about. I’m just the same as everybody else, and when somebody does something I don’t like or that irritates me, then I need to figure out why I’m making that so important. Why does it matter? It’s like what do I have to prove? Or what did they have to prove to me? Nothing. They don’t have to be any way or be something special or spectacular to be worthy of my attention. I’m like, “Mm. I don’t really like that at all.”

And so I‘ve really been thinking about it and working on all of that. It’s really not as hard as I thought. Just being aware of it, it actually comes pretty easy. And actually I realized that the more I am not making all this stuff important and I’m just grateful that each person is there, there isn’t all that conflict because they feel that too.

I had moments, every single day with Polly, that I would pick her up and squeeze her, and I would look at her and I would say, “You’re so pretty! I love you so much.” I’m like, “Do you know how much I love you?” I have a picture of me kissing her and her licking me back that Rodney actually took. And that was not out of the norm, and I thought about that and I thought, "Why don’t we do this with people? They deserve it just as much." And I really feel that, and I really believe it.

And I just really wanted to take today and share with all of you how important you are, every single one of you. That you’re like a gift.

I also wanted to thank everyone. I had so many people send cards that at Christmas time I string all the cards up on beads in my foyer. Well, I got so many cards that I did the same thing with those cards. And I took them down a couple of weeks ago, and I sat down in the living room and I read them all over again. I put them all in a special heart-shaped tin. And it just really drove this thing home to me, how wonderful all of you are. You really, really are. The love and the caring that you’re so willing to share is really phenomenal. And it really, really made a big difference. So, I wanted to thank you all for that.

And please don’t be afraid to talk about her. (Group laughter) Because I know everybody wants to avoid the subject. Everybody comes into the house and everybody pretends they don’t see her little house (group laughter), which is kind of hard to not see, because I’ve made kind of a shrine of it. (Group laughter) It’s kind of ridiculous, it’s such a big shrine. And actually when everybody was there last night I wanted to show you, I got a picture that one of my people in Florida made a little painting of a little angel holding a little Polly dog, and it’s right behind her little house, and it’s really precious.

But I read all those cards and I was like, “This is really amazing.” I mean, this isn’t even just emails from people—these are physical cards that somebody had to write on and send in the mail to me. And it was so overwhelmingly beautiful that I kept them all, and I probably will keep them all forever. And I’m not usually a keep-forever type of person, especially with cards. I’m like, “Okay, these are gone now, time’s up.” It’s kind of like your kids with things on the fridge, “All right, that’s been up there for a month, get rid of it.” But I probably will keep these because it was just so special.

And I think that everyone notices that she’s not here, and I want you all to know that I feel her, and I know that she really loved all you guys. She really did. I mean, she was just so willing to be with everyone and share with everyone, find a lap, and find someone who didn’t feel good and go sit with them and go be with them. And she was like the best, and really special. I don’t think we will ever find another one that will be like her. Eventually I will find another one, but no one will ever be like her.

But I think that this is a special session to share with all of you. And I’m really grateful for all of the support that you all have given me and are still giving me. So thank you.

GROUP: You’re welcome. (Applause) Thank you.

[This was the end of the main talk, but more conversation followed]

MARY: I thought I was going to turn into a puddle, but… (Group laughter and chatter while the hankies came out)

JIM: Hey, Mary? I have a ton of pictures taken over the years of sessions and all, and Linda and I reviewed them. She’s always in your arms!

MARY: I know.

JIM: No matter who it was that caught her, she’s in your arms all the time. (Group chatter)

MARY: Yeah. That’s pretty cool.

Some of you probably don’t know this, but when she was a puppy, when I got her—well, not when I first got her, but when she was a puppy and she was probably about three pounds and I was doing sessions—I would be doing phone sessions, and I used this huge camera that used to have actual videotapes that went in it, and I’d have it set up in the living room and I’d be doing a session. I’d only get like two minutes into the session, and the camera would start walking across the floor (group laughter) and then it would go bang! (Group laughter)

She would pull the cord until it fell over. She absolutely didn’t want me to be doing the session. Which you all know, because you’ve seen her. She knew the difference between me and Elias.

GROUP: Yeah.

MARY: And she didn’t like him in the beginning. She was like, “This will make you stop.” And she would take off with the camera. When that didn’t work, then she started biting the phone cords in half. (Group laughter) She would disconnect the phone. She would bite the phone cord in half. We actually took a picture of her with the phone cord in her mouth. And I went through more phone cords for a few months, I couldn’t believe it. I was constantly going out and buying new phone cords from Radio Shack because she was constantly biting them in half.

One of my clients in California finally called me and said, “Okay. You know what? This is ridiculous.” She was like, “I’m having this woman call you. She’s a pet psychic. (Group laughter) She’s going to call you, and she’s going to tell you what the problem is, why this dog keeps biting the phone cords.” I was like, “Oh, god.”

The woman did call me, and it was actually kind of funny, because the woman was like—my client didn’t tell her anything, so she didn’t know if it was a cat, a dog, a horse, whatever, she didn’t know what it was. So she called and she said, “Well, I’m getting this image. It’s so strange. (Group laughter) I’m getting this image of a Yeti.” She was like, “A big white Yeti.” I was like, “Well, her energy might be that big, but actually she’s pretty little.” (Group laughter) And she was like, “Well; anyway, she isn't comfortable with this other energy. There’s another energy in your house. She’s not comfortable with that because she thinks that’s an intruder. Do you go away when this (inaudible)?” (Group laughter) I was like, “Well, kind of!” (Group laughter) And she said, “Well, you need to have a talk with her, because she thinks that the intruder is coming and you won’t come back.” And I was like, “Oh!”

So me, afterwards, I’m sitting on the couch talking to the dog, and I’m actually saying, “You’re not understanding a word I’m saying, are you? I sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher. (Group laughter) All you hear is, ‘Wah wah wah wah wah.’” I’m like, “All right, but I’m going to say this to you anyway.” I go, “Please stop killing the phone. Elias just comes, but he goes away, and I will always be back and be here.” And it was really weird—she stopped biting the phone cord.

GROUP: Wow.

MARY: Donnalie swears, which she did a little experiment and showed Allison. She was like, “Polly is the only dog that I’ve ever known that actually understands full sentences and understands English and knows what you're saying.” And Allison, my granddaughter, said, “She does not!” And Donnalie was upstairs in the bathroom and she said, “Oh yeah?” And Polly was on her bed. And Donnalie said, “Polly, get up. Go over to my pillow. Stop it and go over to my pillow.” And Allison was watching her, and Polly got up and went to the pillow (group laughter) and laid down on Donnalie’s pillow. And she was like, “Told ya. (Group laughter) This dog understands. She knows what you’re saying.” I swear to God I think she did know everything you were saying all the time.

But I don’t know. Through the midst of a lot of sorrow and a lot of heartbreak there has come a lot of really amazing, wonderful revelations. And I’m super grateful for that. And I’m super grateful for all of you.

GROUP: And we’re grateful for you, too, Mary. (Chatter) Thank you for sharing.

MARY: You’re very welcome. And just as a little side note: so when I croak, I’m kind of expecting a big turnout. (Group laughter) Whether I’m dead or not and I don’t know it, according to my daughter, I don’t care. I want a big turnout. (Group laughter and chatter) Like Stanley’s procession of motorcycles.

LYNDA: Did you see that? Oh my god!

MARY: Let me tell you.

LYNDA: With his wife walking down the center?

MARY: There was a man that lived in our town. He owned a motorcycle shop in our town, and his name was Stanley. And everybody knew him. My daughter worked with his daughter for years. I mean, the motorcycle shop is this little hole in the wall—

LYNDA: But it’s nationwide. Motorcycle enthusiasts know about it.

MARY: It’s this tiny little place on Flat Street, of all places. It’s like you wouldn’t even know it’s there. Well, he died about a week and a half ago.

LYNDA: In a motorcycle accident.

GROUP: Wow.

MARY: Yeah. A truck ran them over.

GROUP: Oh.

MARY: His wife survived, and he died. And they did a thing last Saturday. There were 700 motorcycles—700. That’s not counting cars and the rest of the people. There were 700 motorcycles that did this procession from Flat Street up around Main Street and then down Western out through town and out to Guilford, where they had this big gathering thing. It wasn’t a funeral—they called it a celebration of life. And they all went.

And my daughter went. She was so overwhelmed when she got there, because it looked like a rock concert. She was like, “There were so many people I couldn’t even get out of the car.” She was like, “It was too overwhelming.” So she just took pictures of it and brought it home to me, because I was working. It was amazing. It was so inspiring! I mean, it was really loud.

LYNDA: But it brought the town together in a huge way.

MARY: But it was so inspiring that all of these—this was just a regular person. This was not a rock star. This wasn’t a movie star, this wasn’t a politician—it was just a regular guy. And THAT MANY PEOPLE came to send him off. It was just so inspiring that one person could touch that many people and that that was such a big deal. I just thought that was beautiful. It was really amazing.

MALE: You want us to top that? Really! (Group laughter and chatter)

MARY: Hell yes! (Group chatter) I have more than 700 clients. (Laughs)

LYNDA: If anybody asks, you heard it here. (Group laughter and chatter)

ANN: It will probably take us about 30-40 years to organize that, so….maybe 50 years. (Group agrees)

MARY: Yeah, so I guess it won’t happen. So I guess I’m out of luck.

ANN: It's up to you to hang on. (Mary laughs, group chatter) No pressure.

MARY: Oh! So I gotta stay around for…

GROUP: Yes. (Group chatter)

MARY: Wow! Oh, my god, you guys are tough cookies.

GROUP: Sorry—not.

MARY: Demands, well! (Laughs)

All right you guys, I guess it’s time to get this show on the road, now that I can’t breathe. I’m all stuffed up now. Oh well.

GROUP: You ever (inaudible) Elias cry? (Group laughter)

LYNDA: Or blow his nose. (Group chatter)

FEMALE: Thanks, Michael. (Group laughter)

MARY: Yeah. Okay, well, at least we didn’t put him in a sheet. (Group laughter and chatter) At least we didn’t dress him up like a ghost: “Remove this frock!” (Group laughter)

Stupid old ghost! (Group laughter)

All right, everybody. I’ll see you all on the flip side. Talk to you later.

(Mary’s talk ends after 33 minutes)

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