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Mary's Talk at the October 2019 Group Session

Session 20191026

Mary’s Talk

“The Science Wave Sucks, But Interconnectivity Is Awesome”

Saturday, October 26, 2019 (Group/Hinsdale, New Hampshire)

Participants: Mary (Michael), Aaron (Todd), Ann (Vivette), Bonnie (Lyla), Denise (Azura), Harry (Sonj), John (Lonn), John (Rrussell), Karen (Turrell), Lynda (Ruther), Magdelena (Michella), Marij (Kammi), Mark (Liam), Melissa (Leah), René (Gerard), Saige (Seadae), Sandra (Atafah), Val (Atticus) and Veronica (Amadis)

MARY: I want to thank everybody for pooling energy as usual, because I really appreciate it and it’s very welcomed. Because I’m putting out a lot of energy with certain people that are really challenged right now and have been for a little while. And Sandra’s baby granddaughter, who is so beautiful and doing so wonderful—oh my god, she’s like a little miracle baby. She really is. So awesome, this baby that was almost dead, and she’s just thriving. That is so amazing. She is, really…that’s magic. If that isn’t magic, I don’t know what is. (Laughs) And there’s a couple of people in our group that – I’m not going to mention their names because I don’t want to be intrusive, but that are having some really challenging times right now.

[To Mary’s dog, Belle, who was eating carrots]: That one obviously was not good, huh? Okay. (Group laughter) She’s eating carrots like crazy, but she keeps spitting that one out. Okay. You don’t like that one? You want that one? No. Are you done? (Laughs)

But yeah, there are some people right now that this… I think this f’ing wave is kicking some people’s butts. (Laughs) And they’re having some really hard times—including me! (Laughs) I just want to say to all you people sitting here that were so rooting for this science wave to come (group laughter), you and you, all these people that so wanted the science wave to come, I hope you’re happy. (Group laughter) I hope you all are having the worst, most hardest time, because this particular wave SUCKS. It’s terrible. This thing is really bad. This is probably the worst one I’ve lived through yet. I don’t like it, and I knew I didn’t want this one to come. (Laughs) But here it is, and it sucks. (Laughs)

But the only thing I kind of did want to share is a little bit of an encouragement for anybody that is having a hard time, because I know a lot of people are having a hard time. A lot of people are having a harder time than me, actually. And I think one thing that I've realized recently… I’ve talked to a couple of people about it, but one thing that a lot of people don’t know about me, because I don’t share a whole lot about my past and my childhood, which my childhood pretty much sucked. It was comparable to when you read these things every once in a while, in magazines or in the news, about some person that got discovered by the police that was locked up and tortured and whatever for years—that was my life when I was a kid. Which is part of the reason that I started going to a counsellor last year, to get over the trauma of all of that. And I mean, I actually thought that was normal growing up, because I didn’t know any different.

But part of that was I was very sick as a kid. And I to this day don’t know whether that was actually natural or whether that was induced by my mother, but whatever it was, I was really sick as a kid. And so, doctors and nurses and hospitals became kind of like my saviors, and I developed a very strong association about these people, that they were really to be trusted, that they were really great, because I was in hospital a lot. By the time I was six I had already been in the hospital fifty-six times. We stopped counting at that point because it made my mother mad. My dad and I used to play a game and counted, and we stopped because my mother got really pissed off about it. And I think she was nervous that even back then, child services did get involved sometimes – not like they do now, but after fifty-six times in the hospital, that might be reason for them to question something. But they never did get involved.

So for me, the point was that for me, doctors and nurses and hospitals, as much as I didn’t LIKE them, they also were kind of like my saviors, because when I was with them I was out of my house. And my house was not a safe place to be. It was a very, very, very not safe place to be. It was a torture chamber. In fact, I just recently realized that I still—as much as I thought I had flooded back all the memories that I blocked out, when I had that flood of memories come back ten years ago—I still have a piece that I don’t remember which I’ve decided to leave alone because I think I have the gist of what my life was like. And anything that’s worse than I’ve already remembered, I don’t really want to remember. So, we’re just going to leave that part alone, and it’s okay that that’s blocked out.

But recently, in the last six months, as lots of you know—since I moved, actually—I’ve had a lot of things going on that we can’t figure out. I’ve been through I don’t know how many doctors now and tests and whatever, and they can’t figure out what’s going on. They have some ideas, but they don’t know why these things are happening, but my health has been pretty bad this last six months, which is discouraging.

And one of the big things that has come up with that is that I have become very disillusioned with doctors and nurses and hospitals, that they don’t really know everything and they aren’t the gods and the saviors that I always thought they were, and that they pretty much… not only do they not know everything, but a lot of them are just making educated guesses at what’s going on; they don’t know.

And for a lot of people that probably would be distressing, to come to that kind of a realization after having a different perception of that. For me, it was like turning my world upside down, because these people were gods to me for most of my life. And so, to get to a point where I am looking at them as not knowing what they’re doing and not being the all-knowing people that I always thought they were, that’s a hard realization to come to.

[To Belle: Do you want to get down? Okay.]

Anyway, that was really difficult, and I think that that was – I don’t know how many of you know, but in the last five, six weeks I’ve had four major allergic reactions—three to medications and one to a food, to the point where I was actually going into anaphylaxis, that it was that bad. And I joked around about it a lot, that the doctor’s trying to kill me (laughs) by giving me these medications that I’m allergic to. But then, putting aside the joking, I started to realize, "Oh great, I’m trying to kill me," that I’m fighting against these people so hard and I’m reacting to them so bad that I’m making myself have these allergic reactions that are really actually bordering on life threatening, which is pretty bad. Actually, I was talking to somebody in the house, and for the next six months they can’t give me any new medications, and I can’t eat anything that I don’t absolutely know I’m not allergic to. Because if I have another allergic reaction, because my body is so on alert now, if I have another allergic reaction it will happen so fast that I probably won’t be able to make it to the doctor in time. So, I’m on a six-month watch to not go near anything that I can possibly be allergic to. Which makes sense, because I’m on destructo mode lately.

But I realized that that was what was going on, and actually it was very interesting. Maybe some of you have probably listened to or read Jason’s last session, and before he did his session he and I were talking. And I was kind of going in a very similar direction as he was, and we were comparing notes, which was kind of cool, that we were kind of realizing some of the same things at the same time. And for me, that was really great, because it made me go in a direction of looking at all of these people as just being people, and not being angry at them and not going in a direction of being reactive to them, but rather to just look at them and observe them and look at those differences and kind of try to just be neutral about them, and try to just look at them as being other people, that this is just their job like anybody else has a job, and that I can talk to them and that, just like anybody else, if we have a common direction we can work together to find something or to find some answers. Which is a very different way of interacting with them for me—probably not for lots of people, but for me it’s a big change.

And it’s been an interesting kind of evolution this last six months. I’ve really done some serious damage to this body, and I’ve really beat it up pretty bad, and I didn’t even realize that I was doing that. And I think that that’s also something that I realized, that people can be beating themselves up and they don’t even know they’re doing it. You just don’t even realize that you’re doing that, because you just think things happen to you. You don’t REALLY think, “Oh, I’m doing that to myself,” but after four times of allergic reactions it was kind of obvious. I mean, when the doctor at the urgent care was like, “You AGAIN?” (Laughs). I’m like, “Yeah, sorry.” (Group laughter) Yeah, nobody should be on a first-name basis with the guy at the urgent care. That’s just wrong. (Laughs)

But I have to say that I have maintained since last year—you know, I told all of you last year how grateful I was to all of you. (Mary tears up) This is something that keeps happening too, where I’m almost going to cry. It just happens. I don’t know why. But last year, you know, around my surgery I felt such an overwhelming gratitude to everybody for all the energy and all the help and how much love they just poured out; it was amazing. And that has not left me. And through all of these difficulties, I remember that a lot. I know I’m not always as communicative with everybody, especially in this last six months it’s just been really hard. But I really want you to know that that piece has not left me, and I really feel it a lot. And I just think…

GROUP: We love you, too. We do love you, too! We love you, Mary. Yes.

MARY: I just wanted you to know that and to say thank you. So, things are rough, and they’re hopefully going to get better soon. I do have a new doctor who does seem to be listening and does seem to be kind of on the ball, and so I’m optimistic about that and I do feel like I can work with her and trust her. So, I think things will probably start to go in a better direction. They're not great yet. (Laughs) I feel like I still have a pretty rough road ahead of me for a little while, but at least it’s starting to go in a better direction.

It’s rough, too, because I don’t have the stamina, the energy that I used to. I’m probably running about on half steam these days as I used to, and that bothers me a lot. I don’t like it. I’m not used to it, and I don’t really like it. But who knows? Who knows? Maybe the dead guy would say this is my way of slowing down and not pushing myself so hard.

I have realized in this last six months that…That piece that I said to you guys in the spring session about fixing things, I have realized that that extends far beyond just my daughter, that I do it with everybody. Every single one of you. Anybody that does sessions, I’m always… well, not now. I’m really thinking about it and trying not to be, but I have been for the last twenty-five years in super fix-it mode. And that’s why I always feel very obligated with sessions, because I have to fix you. (Laugh) And that’s how I can do it, is by letting you talk to the dead guy so then HE will fix you, and that means that I helped to do that, and that’s my job.

And I’m just now realizing that that’s not my job and that I don’t need to do that. Which actually is giving me also a very different perception, because it’s changing things from "I have to do this" to "I want to do this," which is really different. It feels really different to not have that pressure but to actually want to do something. It’s making me feel like I do with my quilts. I don’t have to make those for anybody; I do it because I love to do it and I want to do it and it’s fun for me. And that’s what this is turning into, is that I’m not doing this because I am obligated to do it and because I should or I have to, but because I want to, and because I love all you guys.

GROUP: Aw. That’s mutual.

MARY: (Laughs) So, that’s my sharing for today. (Laughs) (Group singing, laughing and chatter)

Well, I think I might be on the very tip of the iceberg of experiencing that interconnectedness. I really don’t know what it is all the way. I don’t even think I know what it is just a little bit, but I think maybe the very, very tip of the iceberg I might have a little tiny grasp on it. (Laughs) Just a little bit. (Laughs) But if I do have a little tiny scratch of it, I think I’m really looking forward to what the experience is when I really get it, because that'll probably be pretty awesome. It'll probably be pretty cool. (Laughs)

(Mary’s talk ends after 23 minutes)